I used to think - MY WHOLE LIFE!!! - if I'l please ALL the people they would love me in return. Funny enough it took me 26 years, 1 month and 1 day to realize I should only please myself. 'Cause when I please me, I love me. And when I love myself SO much, the love in and around me will be so plentiful it'll atract the right kind of people.
So from on, I'm pleasing no one else except myself, for love! <3
In de lagere school en uiteraard in het
middelbaar ook, moet je tijdens de turnlessen zo nu en dan handenstanden
en rad en meer van die dingen doen. Net als het verhaal van de
achterwaartse koprol was dit bij mij altijd een ramp. Ik was altijd
diegene die als 'helper' fungeerde. Je weet wel; benen vasthouden,
anderen aanmoedigen, ophouden, ... Dat had twee redenen. De eerste reden
was dat ik op die manier zelf zo lang mogelijk ontkwam aan het zelf te
moeten uitvoeren omdat reden twee was dat ik telkens uitgelachen werd.
Hoe meer men met me lachte hoe meer schrik ik had om het te doen.
Uiteindelijk MOEST ik het wel altijd doen voor 'punten'. Dat resulteerde
dan uiteraard in een meer dan mislukte poging waarbij de rest van de
klas het opnieuw kon uitproesten, ik alweer gebuisd was MAAR VOORAL; NOG
MEER SCHRIK had voor de volgende keer.
Nu, enige tijd geleden
besloot ik werk te maken van mijn handenstand. Ik wil het kunnen,
zelfstandig, zonder hulp van muren of stoelen, overal! Zo gezegd, zo
gedaan. Ik maakte een bord op Pinterest waar ik prentjes verzamelde om
als beginner een handenstand te kunnen uitvoeren. Het ziet er zo
makkelijk uit, de basisoefeningen met een stoel of een muur. Maar elke
keer overwint te angst dat ik opnieuw op mijn hoofd ga vallen. Dus het
voorlopig alleen doen zit er niet echt in. Omdat ik wel wil doorbijten
nam ik contact op met circusscholen. Geen van allen kon ingaan op mijn
vraag voor een paar privélessen tot ik over mijn schrik over ben om te
kunnen deelnemen aan acrolessen in groep. (Want ik droom er ZO hard van
om eens de Voltigeur ipv de Porteur te zijn! <3) Uiteindelijk kwam ik
via een vormingsplatform terecht bij een kleinere circusschool waar ik
nog nooit van hoorde. Wie niet waagt, niet wint, dacht ik, dus stuurde
ik opnieuw een mailtje.
Al heel snel kreeg ik enthousiast
antwoord om te vragen hoe ik het precies zag dat er zeker mogelijkheden
waren! Ik was door het dolle heen en vertelde waar ik wou aan werken en
hoeveel angst ik er voor heb. Ik kreeg heel begripvolle antwoorden terug
en vroeg dan uiteindelijk naar hoeveel de man vraagt per uur. Hij zei
dat hij niet vaak privélessen geeft en of het ok was dat hij even zou
nadenken over een prijs zodat het voor mij niet te duur zou worden ook
zodat ik misschien vaker les kon nemen als ik het fijn vond.
En
vanochtend kreeg ik ineens een bericht van hem! Ik was DOLENTHOUSIAST en
openende het meteen. Terwijl ik het las voelde ik me bleker worden en
ietsje wankeler op mijn benen staan. Ik ging zitten en merkte dan pas de
bezorgde blikken van enkele klasgenoten op. Dit is wat hij schreef: (hij= een man begin in de 30, getrouwd) "Hoi Knapperd, kon jij morgen al of niet? Betreft verloning, moet dat officieel zijn? (misschien kunnen we creatief zijn ?) :)"
Ik
was ZOOOOOO blij dat ik iemand gevonden had die me op mijn tempo over
mijn angst heen wou helpen en me zou begeleiden tot ik had wat ik wou;
zelfstandig een handenstand kunnen uitvoeren zonder welke hulp dan ook.
En nu? Nu ben ik ongelooflijk verbouwereerd. Ik blijf het moeilijk
vinden om te geloven dat het echt is. Ik weet niet wat ik moet
antwoorden. Wil hij seks bedoelen met dat creatief zijn? iets anders? Ik
weet het niet. Het maakt me radeloos en doet me opnieuw een beetje
vertrouwen in mannen verliezen... :(
After I wrote my (third!!!) letter to A today, I felt so sick from a headache that I went to bed for a little nap. I fell asleep pretty quick and when I woke up I remembered very detailed what I had dreamed of. I wrote it down to not forget it. We were Wedneysday, the day we'd have our second class for this solo project. I was in the studio first and put the letter I wrote to him on the stero. I went sitting in the corner again till he came in. He saw the letter, opened and read it. He thanked me for being open and honest and than said we were going to do things a bit different. He said we should first work on my fears and insecurities and afterwards go on with the initial technical piece. So we'd first had a breakdown to be able to rebuild again after it. I had no idea what to expect because I didn't knew he was going to change the subject.
We did a bit of a warm-up but than it all started to happen. He told me he'd be my base and partner in this dance and that we should started to work on my trust. I got blindfolded and had to trust him in whatever he was going to do. I just had to be and let myself be exposed to my fear. He told me he would move me and touch me for as long he thought it would be neccesary. I felt like I was dying. So I stood there in the middle of the studio floor. Blindfold, crying being scared to death. A. didn't mind and pushed through the fear. All my muscles were cramped in the beginning, trying to resist his moves, move on my own and defend myself. But the longer I stood there, the more I felt a relieve! I could breathe again and my muscles didn't feel so tight anymore. Somehow this was HORRIBLE but it worked! This was my first teeny tiny little mousy step into trust. He took of my blindfold and we started making a choreography with touching and partnerring.
I kinda woke up after that or stopped dreaming, so I can't remember what happened or what would've happened. But I realized that Exposure might be not such a bad therapy. After my dream I was even a bit pissed that this didn't happen in real life 'cause I FELT the pain! But you know what was great? He decided to change the subject of this class without me noticing. So I didn't had weeks or days to suffer away 'cause the fear for the fear would take me over.
You know, I have this crazy thing with touches. I LOVE touches but I'm afraid of it too. When somebody I trust touches me I feel worthy and loved and vulnerable. Like a hand on your shoulder or back, or a real tight hug, someone who plays gentle with your hair... THAT truly makes me feel as I do belong. That was the very same thing in this dream: I was blindfold and had no idea where A was going to touch me or when and for how long, that made me crazy and scared. But I got used to it, didn't mind the fear anymore and everything changed.
So, after having this dream I realized for myself that I want to do something with a man. You know, I'm sick and tired of finding a boyfriend, so that doens't matter anymore. I'm just going to try to find a man who wants to do this with me. Ahum. Guess it'll be quite a difficult surch too 'cause I have no idea who'd ever want to do so. And also; I want a man who takes this serious! Not just a random guy who want's to 'touch'. Well, I can't really explain, but it's worth giving it a try!
I had a date with this captain. It made me realise I don't want to settle for anything less than a REAL MAN!
'I want no ordinary lover. I want a fucking storm. I want sleepless nights and endless conversations at 4 am. I want passion, I want madnes. I want someone who's able to make my whole body shiver from a distance and also pull me close to make sense of all my bones.'
So, once again, I will never - ever settle for anything less than a real men. And after today, I even close the hunt. It's over. This captain was 'the last' one I had to see. But I'm fine. Through all the loneliness and missed touches and hugs, I'm quite happy.
The ones who knew about my dance-project with A. asked me after class how it went. To be honest; I could NOT answer. It took me some time to let it all in... I had a bad night from Tuesday to Wednesday. I was exhausted when I woke up, but gathered myself together and went to school. The first two hours were destracting enough; we had to make an overvieuw of different surgery's. But then we had a class about dysfunction in sexuality. We've had more classes about that theme so I thought I'd be fine, but than our teacher gave us a little groupwork: we had to do a little play while explaining sexual dysfunctions. I texted an 'I can't do this' message to R. who was sitting next to me and knew about the situation. He looked at me, laughed and said we'd be fine. I realised he didn't link my rape and fears with this class. So I ran out the class, crying, alone and completely messed up.
I got the permission to leave school. The secretary went to the class and explained my absence by saying I felt unwell. I thought no one would've believed that. I thought, as almost-nurses-in-mental-healtcare, they'd link the class and it's topic and my behavior. But they didn't. (It was weird to come back to class the day after. They were all asking if I felt better, so I kept up the lie. Though it made me feel bad on the inside, I just hoped someone saw through it all.) I ran out of school crying and drove to my mother's home. I finished my schedules where we worked on earlier in class to destract myself again. 'Cause the fear was in me again and taking me over again. So I tried to function as best as I could.
I remember that I've left her house and got into my car to drive to Ghent. And the next thing I remember was arriving there. I can't remember HOW or WHAT I felt. Guess I'd shut down my feelings. I went into the studio-complex and still didn't hear A. when I checked my phone before I went in the studio. I sat down on the studio floor is a safe corner and started to write. I was convinced that A wouldn't show up. So I promised myself to wait 15 minutes, write that time and than close the door and leave the studio. 2 am passed and A wasn't there. I wrote some more and by the time I wanted to finish and leave he came in. I was shocked. I felt so busted. I secretly hoped that he'd forgot about it. But he didn't. We were chatting a bit - I was bloody nervous. He said he had an unpleasant feeling earlier that day at school when he had to attend a movement class. He didn't wanted to do it, but his teacher encouraged him and he did it anyway. He said that he felt so much better after that class and that it made up his mind once again that dance is for him te nicest thing in the world. He made me smile somehow. You know, A is such a rare but gorgeous person. He's so pure and real. He is so passionate about the things he does. It's an honor to get some of his precious time.
So, he started his explanation that we were going to have a good warm up, do some technique and than start working on the choreo. He also added: 'have fun!'. That moment I realised we weren't going to 'work' with my fears and insecurities. It took me some time to let it o but from the moment I could, I DID enjoy it. I had fun! The level was high though. He made me do a lot of hardcore ballet technique. Beside him I felt goofy though I liked doing it and pushing myself too. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror so I looked at his legs and try to feel how high mine were. I've missed ballet all along. It was hard, but I didn't gave in (guess that's where the muscle soreness is coming from! :O ). I was surprised (read: shocked) when he showed me pieces of the choreography. I noticed it had a super technical high level. I mean, he's been doing this for his entire life! And I'm just.. well, you know! I tried to do everything he asked and I felt fun. I had fun doing this piece. I kinda worked my ass off! In the end I recorded it, just to be able to remember it for next week. When I came home, I didn't dare to look at it. I just mailed it to A. After a while, I did took a sneak peak. The first thing I noticed was that we were synchrone most of the time!
Well, I also realised that this wasn't the plan. And I still have ALL my fears and insecurities I wanted to dance out, IN me. So than I was thinking I should shift the idea a bit and maybe keep working on this piece to proove (myself) that you don't have to be superskinny or a model to dance modern/ballet/contemporary, to show that I CAN do this. But it also made me think and question what I should do with the fears that are still there. I wrote 2 letters to A before. I handed none of them to him. Off course he CAN'T know what's going on if I don't say anything. But I just can't. And than I found these words from dancer and writer Ish: 'De woorden die je niet durft uit te spreken zijn meestal de belangrijkste.' And I felt busted and caught, once again...
I felt loved. And worthy. And vulnerable. I was. And I was finally able to take deep, relaxing breaths again. The fear slowly left my body. The water was warm and surrounding. The touches were soft yet she held me up in the water. There was a small distance but still she was close enough to never make me feel lonely.
I felt loved. Worthy. Vulnerable. Carried. I didn't had to think about how I had to exist, nor how to breath. I WAS. I was enough and I felt vulnerable. It's amazing what watsu and healing dance does to me! <3
It's hard. I have no idea how to be anymore. I had such a horrible night, I'm exhausted. I don't know how to eat, how to write, how to breathe, how to be.
It's kinda hard to explain but it IS just how I feel at the moment. And to be honest, last few weeks. But the last week has been the worst of all! My heart goes crazy, breathing hurts, I can't speak by times 'cause my throat is completely blocked. Yes, by fear. Well, if you've never been SO afraid, I can't explain it. But for me it feels as it's the only thing in the world. My world. It's completely overwhelming.
Now, where this fear is coming from. I asked a choreographer a few months ago if he wanted to work on a solo project with me. (I want to dance out ALL of the violence which is done against me) I was glad he said yes. (It took me about 1000 tries to finally hit 'SEND' 'cause I was too afraid for his answer, thinking he would reject it, but he didn't.) We've set dates and I told him that I wanted to pay him advance because otherwise I might not show up or find excuses. And yet, last week, my courage sank into my shoes and I opened a message to him. I was thinking on what I could write to say I wouldn't have go to class. The most easy thing was to write that I have 4 bruised ribs. And you know, that not even a lie but as soon as I realized what I wrote him before I didn't even send this anymore. I felt busted by myself!! So, tomorrow is my first class and I'm stuck. I have no idea which way to go. I still didn't decide which music I should use! The madness! I have a list of about 10 songs and I just can't decide which one I'll use 'cause I'm even too afraid that I'll choose the 'wrong' piece of music. Maybe I'll list the names of the song just to bring clarity in my brain. Hope I can choose one. I still need to buy it and even let my teacher know. (I'm terrified to text him!!) I mean my class is like in less than 24 hours!!
Options: - This is what it feels like - Eva Blom - Wake me up - Madilyn Bailey - Use somebody - Laura Janssen - Nirvana (acoustic version) - Sam Smith - Let it go - James Bay - Love in the dark - Adele - Things you've never done - Passenger
I knew that I would get cold feet so I thought I prepared myself good enough. I wrote him a letter with *everything* in it, just to not have to say something. 'Cause when the fear takes over, le me is collapsing and I can't bring out words anymore.. And I allready told him about this letter and of course I told him that I wouldn't give it to him if he didn't knew about it. Why am I doing this to myself? I'm cheeting on myself in every single way! I'm mad!!
So I wrote him what I want: I want to dance my heart out. The darkness and it's dark voices that have settled in me, will always be a part of who I am. But this time I wnt to be stronger. I want to be able to translate the pain I've been hinding and running away from into a universal language without having to explain it. This is the last time I'll be going though all of this pain again in order to be able to let it out. I want to be able to use this in de future, whenever I feel this darkness rising, I'll dance it out. Because from now on I will always be more than the girl I used to be or who I ever was.
And I wrote why I want this: For my whole life I believed I was nothing, no one, ugly, unable, ... I was all the darkness. I've been fighting all along, sometimes I'm still fighting :( I survived ALL the things. I even survived myself at my worst. But that doesn't mean it didn't had an impact on me. I know that these pieces of darkness will always be a part of me, but i don't want to BE the darkness anymore. I want to be able to step out of it, into the light. Nothing or no one from the past should still be able to control me an/or my life. I want to proove myself that fear can't hold me back (anymore), that I can do anything regardless of what happened before, weight, looks, ... I know I'll have to go through the pain to heal it, but that doesn't mean I'm not afraid to do so. 'Cause to be honest; it scares the crap out of me. Ever since the day I decided to finally do this.
And than I wrote down everything that scares me about this: - I fear the fear - I'm scared that my fear will paralyze me - I'm scared that you might think the weight of this is too heavy and stop this before it's finished - I'm scared that you will see me as a victim and no longer as the person I became, the woman I am today - I'm scared that you will treat me as a victim - I'm scared that I won't do it good enough - I'm scared of my own darkness and having to face it - I'm scared to fall back into panick attacks, nightmares, ... - I'm scared to not have 'the right' music - I'm scared that I won't be good enough - I'm scared of seeing myself struggling
All of this followed by 2 pages with all the violence that had and some of them still have the biggest impact on me/my life. Also, while I was listing these fears here, I just realised there are tho more! -I'm scared TO DEATH to give this letter to him and even face him. He looks like a picture perfect and he dances soft and smooth and when I'm trying something.. Well it looks goofy and clumpsy! -I'm scared I will be so scared that I will cut off my feelings and dissociate. That I will just do whatever he says, without FEELING anything because I'm too afraid. And I'm afraid that he won't recognize that in me.
I do have trouble breathing and I have to swallow ALL the tears. I'm so insecure and I honestly don't know what to do. I have to pick a piece of music but the fear is so real and big and surrounding that I can't decide! How can you have a danceclass without a piece of music?! I don't know how to face him!! This fear makes me feel so ashamed. This is the reason why I have to write all of this down. I just can't face anyone. My teacher is still young. And I'm afraid that this is too heavy for him, that he'll quit. But I also do know, no matter how terrified I feel and am, no matter how lost and broken I feel, that I'll have to go through. I've been readings so many articles about fear and how to function with it. This morning I've read something beautiful! The writer said that you CAN face your fears if you have a friend or coach near you that create a safe environment to let you be. She wrote the importance that they make you feel worhty and vulnerable again. But THAT again is a problem. 'Cause we don't know each other that good I guess.
Well, I think this storm of fear will rage on all night and tomorrow. I will now only try to manage my tears and fears and breaths. I still don't know about the music. :( I just can't explain how difficult this is for me... I'm so sorry.
I need loads of sleep in order to stay fit. 8 hours a night is perfect, but also long. Some nights I can only get about 6 hours which is way too short if I can't fall asleep right away. So I started to find out how to sleep the better way! :D It's quite funny in fact. There are so many tips and things written on how you should fall asleep fastest and best. So here's the prescription that seems to work best for me:
-A good bed (seems uhm, logical :P) -Do calm things before you go to sleep -Drink camomille tea or hot milk with honey -Use a small pillow -Wear no clothes except for sleeping socks to keep your feet warm -Don't overthink and let go (hardest one!)
You know, I feel a bit guilty that I go naked to my bed, but actually I love it! It's cold in the beginning, but ever since I'm using this list, I sleep WAY better! And when my hands lay down on my belly, skin to skin, I sometimes wonder and have to admit that this body is beautiful. :)
Gisteren was de denkbeeldige druppel. Ik had P nog steeds niet gehoord en had het intussen welletjes gevonden. Zo zei ik het tegen iedereen, terwijl ik vanbinnen nog steeds vurig hoopte op een berichtje van hem. Vanmorgen werd ik opnieuw wakker met het idee dat hij vannacht misschien had gestuurd, maar mijn gsm ontkende dat als mijn alarm af ging.
Het was een drukke dag vandaag. Lopen, jurk passen, berichtjes sturen, reflecteren en werken! Lang werken in de bakkerij. Toen ik thuiskwam maakte ik mezelf overheerlijke vegetarische risotto. Halfweg het recept wou ik kijken of mijn moeder me nog niet had gebeld en zei dat er een berichtje was aangekomen. Ik open mijn inbox en verslik me haast in mijn eigen speeksel als ik zie dat het van P is.
'Hey srry dat ik NT antwrde. Ma heb problemen gehad met sim kaart. Alvast goede feesten voor u en uzmw familie gewest voor 2016.'
Ik was in eerste instantie gelukkig dat hij blijkbaar toch nog eens aan mij dacht en me effectief een bericht stuurde hoewel ik helemaal geen idee heb wat ik hier moet op antwoorden.
Gisteren zag ik een collega van de dienst waar ik P leerde kennen. Blijkbaar hebben ze hem niet gespaard. Na de fuif en het verschijnen van de bijhorende foto's bleven ze hem bestoken met 'Hebben jullie gekust?', 'Heb je haar nog gehoord?', ... Ik kan me voorstellen dat dat voor iemand die wat verlegen aangelegd is geen cadeau is.
En nu? Nu ga ik mijn zelfgemaakte moelleux eten en hopen dat er in het smeltende hart van chocolade een antwoord schuilt. Iets wat ik P kan sturen.
Zondagochtend besloot ik voet bij stuk te houden en P. niet als eerste te sturen. Hij had een laatdienst, ik vermoed met een wat pushende vrouwelijke collega die hem aanspoorde me een bericht te sturen, want ineens kreeg ik dit:
P - 19.57: Hey cava? Hoe staat het met de stageopdracht? L - 19.57: Dag P! Ze is AF! Eindelijk. :) Ik was het kotsbeu. Nu weer tijd voor leuke dingen. Hoe gaat het met jou? P - 20.23: CV met mij, gisteren was m'n pijp uit hoor. Nu veel drukker als gisteren op het werk, nog niet stil gezeten. L - 20.24: Oh, amai, het kan snel veranderen he. Gelukkig is het je laatste voorlopig! :) P - 21.20: Idd. Zitten juist neer, nu nog papier werk en het zit erop voor vandaag. L - 21.21: Veel succes ermee. Ik duim voor je dat het vlot gaat. :) p - 23.18: Net vertrokken, nog een spoedopname gehad en zo is alles uitgelopen.
Ik was al een poos in slaap gevallen en las z'n laatste berichtje pas maandagochtend. Ik antwoordde om 10.41 met 'Goedemorgen P, hopelijk maak ik je niet wakker. Het was nogal laat precies gisteren?! :/ maar je heb je enkele dagen vrijaf, toch? :) Geniet van je dag.
En intussen zijn we dinsdag laatavond en heb ik hem nog steeds niet gehoord. Ik begrijp het niet, helemaal niet. Ik weet niet eens meer wat ik moet doen; wel of niet sturen?! Ik had gehoopt dat hij nu eens wat initiatief zou nemen, maar blijkbaar is zelfs dat teveel gevraagd. Mensen zeggen we dat hij vast tussen de koeien in de stal zit. Maar moet ik het daar dan echt mee doen? Hem NOG een bericht sturen behoort ook niet echt tot mijn opties vind ik. Mijn broer adviseerde me dat er nog vis zit in de vijver. En ondanks het feit dat ik weet dat ik een man wil die ook wat initiatief neemt en hem op z'n minst eens laat horen, deed het pijn. Pijn omdat ik begreep uit m'n broer zijn woorden dat ik P moet loslaten. 'Alweer één!', dacht ik bij mezelf. Ik heb zo gehuild en B en was zo gelukkig toen P ook interesse in mij leekt te hebben en nu moet ik hem ook weer loslaten?! Het was zo ontzettend lang geleden dat ik me nog zo goed bij iemand heb gevoeld. Zo rustig als we konden babbelen kon ik volledig vrij, mezelf zijn. Ik blijf erbij dat ik bij hem het gevoel had adem te krijgen. Ergens dacht/denk ik dat hij weinig ervaring heeft met relaties, maar eigenlijk voel ik me nu vooral radeloos. Misschien had ik teveel gehoopt dat hij 'The one' zou zijn.
Ik keek naar Once Upon A Time zag (toevallig?!) de afleving waarin Charming Snow White vond door de ring. Ik voelde een traan over mijn wangen rollen terwijl ik naar mijn replica van de ring keek om mijn middelvinger. Ik weet wat gegraveerd staat aan de binnenkant maar deed de ring toch af om het opnieuw te lezen.
'I believe - True Love'
Ik slikte de tranen en het bijhorende verdriet door terwijl ik nog een laatste keer onverhoopt op mijn gsm keek of P intussen zou gestuurd hebben. Ik bleef staren naar het scherm net zolang tot het wachtlichtje uitging en besloot in bed te gaan liggen.
P had me gestuurd dat hij me nog iets zou laten weten, maar dat bericht kwam pas gisteravond om 22.01, vlak na zijn shift dus. De conversatie ging als volgt:
P: Ga mij gaan omkleden, net gedaan L: Tot straks! P: Ok, spreken we binnen af? L: Ja, dat is goed. :)
Hoewel ik me ongemakkelijk voelde, want ik ga niet zo graag naar cafés en zeker niet naar diegenen die ik niet ken of waar ik zelf nog niet ben geweest. Als ik binnenkwam hoorde ik veel lawaai en was het druk. Er waren heel veel mensen! De kerstversiering had plaatsgemaakt voor Star Wars spullen en de muziek stond luid. Achteraan was nog een bartafeltje vrij. Ik stuurde nog wat berichtjes met mijn broer tot hij ineens voor me stond. Hij zag er opnieuw goed uit. Hij had een hemdje aan met een V-hals truitje erboven. Ik had voor mijn zwarte spy-dress gekeken, die is niet TE chique, mijn haar was gewoon los.
Ik vroeg of het druk was geweest op de afdeling, maar hij zei dat het wel meeviel omdat er maar 9 patiënten liggen. We hebben gepraat. De hele avond lang. Over verpleegkunde, patiënten, stages, jobs en stageopdrachten. Ik vroeg hem naar de boerderij en hoe hij dat doet. Zijn oudste broer zou de boerderij uiteindelijk overnemen, maar nu doen ze het nog samen. De oudste broer zorgt voor het vee, P zorgt voor de machines en al het werk dat daarmee moet gebeuren en de jongste broer voert de herstellingswerken uit. Hij zorgt hij samen met zijn broer afwisselende shifts heeft op het werk om de boerderij te kunnen blijven runnen. We hadden het over reizen omdat hij voor het eerst in zijn leven een vliegreis zal maken; een groepsreis met jongeren op zoek naar het noorderlicht. Hij wil graag naar Schotland, ik ook.
Hij vroeg waar ik wilde werken. 'I only don't know' - dacht ik bij mezelf. Hij vroeg me naar het dansen en de luchtacrobatiek. Hoeveel keer ik ongeveer optreed. Wat ik precies doe.
We hadden het over het kalf dat is gestorven toen hij net het geniale plan had om me een berichtje te sturen. Dat bericht heb ik nooit gekregen. Het kalf was een verlies voor de boerderij. Ze hebben twee honden op de boerderij: Duitse herders, lange haren. I love those!! Eigenlijk één hond op de boerderij en één hond privé. Het teefje is nogal dominant en kan het niet zo goed vinden met de reu, dus komen ze nooit samen. De honden komen nooit binnen; P is hyperallergisch aan ze. Hij had het ook dat hij drie jaar in zijn opleiding de enige man was tussen vrouwen en dat hij op de afdeling ook lang de enige man was. 'Al die vrouwen'. Dat doet me me soms afvragen of hij nu wel of geen vriendin wil.
Ik vind het leuk om naar hem te luisteren. Zijn ogen twinkelen als hij praat over de dingen die hij het liefst doet. Langs de andere kant is hij de rust zelve. Ik denk niet dat P ooit op te jagen is. Soms vraag ik me ook af of er wel genoeg pit in zit voor mij. Hij had snel genoeg door dat ik een vrij sterk karakter heb, maar of hij mans genoeg is om daar goed te kunnen mee omgaan weet ik niet.
Dus nu... weet ik het even niet. Het was een leuke avond. Ik was pas thuis om 2 uur, dat had ik niet meteen verwacht. Maar de 'Et après' blijft in mijn hoofd spoken. Ik weet niet wat er nu moet... Ik vind hem leuk, maar ik weet niet hoe het verder moet nu. Ik denk dat ik hem geen bericht ga sturen. Ik vraag me oprecht af hoeveel dagen het gaat duren vooraleer hij me stuurt, of er aan denkt om me te sturen.
For the first time in forever I'm having a second date! A second date!!! With P. The one I met in the hospital. I didn't heard him a lot last week because he clearly doesn't have a tight connection with his mobile, but tonight we'll meet at a bar after his work. I'm so glad!! :)
I'm running a new internship in a non-psychiatric environment. No other students from my class or that I know, no friendly nurses who let me work together, ask how I'm doing, ... When I went to the toilet, from the moment I locked the door and stood there in that tiny room I realized how lonely and alone I felt.
Today is the last day of school for this year. That also means the very last day I'll be sitting next to him. Last day I get to talk to him and sink into his beautiful green eyes. I'll miss him!
We had an excursion with school. Because R and I had to come back to the same place we said we'ld go together. So, I went to pick him up. He was silent in the car. Busy on his phone. I was jealous to whomever he was texting. I want to talk with him so badly, but once again, I don't want to destroy his allready broken relationship. But it's hard to keep it all in. Yet we were sitting the whole day next to each other, so close, we're still so far.
But I'm not. I've busted myself yesterday - AGAIN. It always happens without me even noticing. It's always after I spoke the words that I actual feel like a liar. Yet I don't know how to say I'm not okay. It always happens so fast. You say hello to the ones you met and when they ask how I'm doing I answer with a great big smile on my face: 'I'm fine, thank you!'. It happens every single time.
Even when I had my appointment at the physiotherapist. I thought to maybe talk to him about the nightmares and anxiety and so on. So I came in, he asked 'How are you?' and there my face with the smile popped up and said 'I'm fine, thank you!'. I was so mad at myself. Because sometimes I don't feel okay at all. I just wish I could find a way to express that. To make it visible for others.
Stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have that shit. I always hoped to be able to say; 'I have had that, but it's gone now.' It comes in waves. It's been a very long way from where I come. I couldn't sleep at night because of nightmares, during the day I had flashbacks, I freaked out if someone touched my arm or shoulder, I only wore baggy clothes to be not sexy at all, I've been biting myself till I had giant bruises, I even wanted to end my life. That quite a sum up.
But after all, I'm happy with all the progress I've made in between! I sleep at night, am okay with touches, trust others again, dress up like a lady and do sexy things like burlesque. So you know, that made me feel like I had everything in control. It made me feel so powerfull because I had the feeling that I had conquered the PTSD.
Yet, today, I'm wide awake in bed. Afraid to close my eyes and fall asleep. I had to go to the gynaecologist earlier this week. I never knew this would be SUCH a trigger for me. I came back crying and lost from the hospital. Ever since, the PTSD is controlling me instead of the other way around. I cry for nothing, I'm terrified all the time, I've had so horrible nightmares and flashbacks last nights that right now, I don't even dare to close my eyes anymore because I'm afraid for what will come.
