After I wrote my (third!!!) letter to A today, I felt so sick from a headache that I went to bed for a little nap. I fell asleep pretty quick and when I woke up I remembered very detailed what I had dreamed of. I wrote it down to not forget it. We were Wedneysday, the day we'd have our second class for this solo project. I was in the studio first and put the letter I wrote to him on the stero. I went sitting in the corner again till he came in. He saw the letter, opened and read it. He thanked me for being open and honest and than said we were going to do things a bit different. He said we should first work on my fears and insecurities and afterwards go on with the initial technical piece. So we'd first had a breakdown to be able to rebuild again after it. I had no idea what to expect because I didn't knew he was going to change the subject.
We did a bit of a warm-up but than it all started to happen. He told me he'd be my base and partner in this dance and that we should started to work on my trust. I got blindfolded and had to trust him in whatever he was going to do. I just had to be and let myself be exposed to my fear. He told me he would move me and touch me for as long he thought it would be neccesary. I felt like I was dying. So I stood there in the middle of the studio floor. Blindfold, crying being scared to death. A. didn't mind and pushed through the fear. All my muscles were cramped in the beginning, trying to resist his moves, move on my own and defend myself. But the longer I stood there, the more I felt a relieve! I could breathe again and my muscles didn't feel so tight anymore. Somehow this was HORRIBLE but it worked! This was my first teeny tiny little mousy step into trust. He took of my blindfold and we started making a choreography with touching and partnerring.
I kinda woke up after that or stopped dreaming, so I can't remember what happened or what would've happened. But I realized that Exposure might be not such a bad therapy. After my dream I was even a bit pissed that this didn't happen in real life 'cause I FELT the pain! But you know what was great? He decided to change the subject of this class without me noticing. So I didn't had weeks or days to suffer away 'cause the fear for the fear would take me over.
You know, I have this crazy thing with touches. I LOVE touches but I'm afraid of it too. When somebody I trust touches me I feel worthy and loved and vulnerable. Like a hand on your shoulder or back, or a real tight hug, someone who plays gentle with your hair... THAT truly makes me feel as I do belong. That was the very same thing in this dream: I was blindfold and had no idea where A was going to touch me or when and for how long, that made me crazy and scared. But I got used to it, didn't mind the fear anymore and everything changed.
So, after having this dream I realized for myself that I want to do something with a man. You know, I'm sick and tired of finding a boyfriend, so that doens't matter anymore. I'm just going to try to find a man who wants to do this with me. Ahum. Guess it'll be quite a difficult surch too 'cause I have no idea who'd ever want to do so. And also; I want a man who takes this serious! Not just a random guy who want's to 'touch'. Well, I can't really explain, but it's worth giving it a try!
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