Het gaat niet goed met mijn been. De pijn zit voornamelijk in mijn Hamstrings, maar ik voel de pijn na Bootcamp ongeveer de hele dag terwijl ik het eerder enkel voelde tijdens en/of vlak na een looptraining. Tweede afspraak bij mijn fysiotherapeut voor dit kwaaltje. De afspraak van de patiënt die er voor mij was was wat uitgelopen en na mijn behandeling moest mijn therapeut onmiddellijk door. Hoe tevreden ik ook ben met m'n therapeut, op dagen als deze kan ik hem verwensen. Meestal is hij zo begripvol en alles wat ik wil van een therapeut, maar heel soms is hij kort, afstandelijk en begrijp ik er geen snars van.
We hadden het over het al dan niet teveel sporten. Ik zei dat ik ongeveer 5 keer in de week probeer te lopen en daarnaast m'n danslessen, bootcamp, ... Hij zei dat het misschien inderdaad wat veel was en ik kreeg het advies om voorlopig telkens na een loopdag een recuperatiedag in te lassen. Ik was al geïrriteerd dat hij dat zei, maar kon er wel inkomen dat dat de genezing en herstel van m'n hamstrings zou bevorderen. Toen vroeg hij me waarom ik liep; uit plezier of omdat ik me verplicht voel. Ik zei dat het een beetje van beide was. Toen vroeg hij: 'Om te vermageren'. Beschaamd gaf ik toe van wel. En toen begon hij te preken (het zal wel niet als preken bedoeld geweest zijn, maar voor mij kwam het zo over!) dat ik moest opletten voor suikerdipjes. Want als je loopt gedurende langere tijd verbruikt je metabolisme veel en heb je nadien een suikerdipje. Dat is het moment waarop veel mensen naar zoetigheden grijpen.
En weet je wat?! Ik WEET DAT WEL! Ik ben me daar van bewust. Ik ben me ZEER GOED BEWUST van wat ik eet en hoeveel ik eet. En hoe ik inderdaad ook die suikerdip voel als ik terug kom van een training, maar hoe ik dat compenseer met kruidenthee en noten of een proteïnenshake om m'n herstel te bevorderen? Maar me storten op suiker? Nope! Ik was (en ben nog steeds) zeer geïrriteerd dat hij me ervan verdenkt dat ik dit doe. Het is niet fijn. Ik weet wel dat het misschien niet logisch overkomt dat ik wel 5 keer in de week loop en krachttraining doe, maar ik DOE HET WEL! Zoveel vooroordelen. Zulke dingen maken me echt gek! :( En verdrietig.
22 uur. Vlak voor ik zou gaan douchen en slapen stapte ik naar de keuken. Ik bleef staan aan de voorraadkast. Na enige aarzeling opende ik de kast en trok er de bak met koekjes uit. Er lagen suikerwafels, suikerwafels met chocolade, appelkoekjes en zebrakoekjes. Ik duwde het bakje terug in de kast. Ik zou niet zondigen. Ik trok het bakje er terug uit. Onder de appelkoekjes lag nog één frangipanneke. Ik had er ZO een zin in. Ik nam het koekje in mijn handen en duwde het bakje terug. Ik bedacht voor mezelf dat ik m'n Google Fit doelen allemaal bereikt had en de bootcamp had uitgelopen, de hele dag op m'n eten gelet dus mocht ik van mezelf het frangipanneke eten. Ik sloot de kast, keek naar het koekje in m'n handen en verplaatste m'n vingers over de plastic verpakking, klaar om ze open te scheuren.
Kwaad trok ik de kast terug open en gooide ik het frangipanneke terug in de bak. Met dezelfde kwaadheid bonkte ik de trap op naar boven en ging ik onder de douche staan. Toen ik in bed ging liggen was ik blij dat ik het frangipanneke niet had opgegeten maar voelde me ook zo verdrietig omdat dit de strijd is die ik elke dag voer. Sporten, sporten, sporten, overdenken wat ik beter wel en niet zou eten, me zoveel ontzeggen, en nog steeds niet het uiterlijke lichaam hebben dat ik zou willen.
That's my one big question today. A friend had a photoshoot today. It meant the world to her. 'Cause she'd lost about 20 kg's last few months and after the break-up with her boyfriend she finally starts to feel better again. She got herself a lingerie shoot to celebrate her life. Awesome idea. She came to me in the morning to help her get ready, to polish her nails, ... Than we drove to the hairdresser. I sat there waiting on her for about 1,5 hours. Than we drove to the photographer. We were a bit to early so waited for about 20 minutes in the car. We headed to the first location somewhere into the woods. It was cold. My muscles sore from my Viking Run yesterday, but I held up all the things. Helped her changing and posing, ... It was great to see how comfortable and at ease she felt again -after a LONG (!!) time - in her own skin again!! She felt more and more comfortable during hair and make-up. Again; gorgeous to see. We had the opportunity to work with a very good photographer too, so that made a huge difference too.
But than I got mad. I had to help her climb in trees, go up and down again to give other shoes or bra's or whatever and the only I could think was: 'WHY?'.
Why is there NO ONE around when I'm doing such things? Why do I have to do all these things by myself, from deciding what to wear, to getting it, to close my own zipper? Why do I have to carry ALL MY weight TOGETHER with someone else's? Why is it so obvious that everybody can rely on me? Why is there NO ONE around to massage or tape my sore muscles? Why do other people act like this is completely normal? Why do I have to keep up with myself ALL THE TIME? Why? Why?
Oh God, please. I just can't understand today. I know I seem so strong sometimes. But at heart I have to face as many fears as EVERYBODY else has to. People say that things are easy for me. But that's not. I even wonder why they think that too.
The ones who knew about my dance-project with A. asked me after class how it went. To be honest; I could NOT answer. It took me some time to let it all in... I had a bad night from Tuesday to Wednesday. I was exhausted when I woke up, but gathered myself together and went to school. The first two hours were destracting enough; we had to make an overvieuw of different surgery's. But then we had a class about dysfunction in sexuality. We've had more classes about that theme so I thought I'd be fine, but than our teacher gave us a little groupwork: we had to do a little play while explaining sexual dysfunctions. I texted an 'I can't do this' message to R. who was sitting next to me and knew about the situation. He looked at me, laughed and said we'd be fine. I realised he didn't link my rape and fears with this class. So I ran out the class, crying, alone and completely messed up.
I got the permission to leave school. The secretary went to the class and explained my absence by saying I felt unwell. I thought no one would've believed that. I thought, as almost-nurses-in-mental-healtcare, they'd link the class and it's topic and my behavior. But they didn't. (It was weird to come back to class the day after. They were all asking if I felt better, so I kept up the lie. Though it made me feel bad on the inside, I just hoped someone saw through it all.) I ran out of school crying and drove to my mother's home. I finished my schedules where we worked on earlier in class to destract myself again. 'Cause the fear was in me again and taking me over again. So I tried to function as best as I could.
I remember that I've left her house and got into my car to drive to Ghent. And the next thing I remember was arriving there. I can't remember HOW or WHAT I felt. Guess I'd shut down my feelings. I went into the studio-complex and still didn't hear A. when I checked my phone before I went in the studio. I sat down on the studio floor is a safe corner and started to write. I was convinced that A wouldn't show up. So I promised myself to wait 15 minutes, write that time and than close the door and leave the studio. 2 am passed and A wasn't there. I wrote some more and by the time I wanted to finish and leave he came in. I was shocked. I felt so busted. I secretly hoped that he'd forgot about it. But he didn't. We were chatting a bit - I was bloody nervous. He said he had an unpleasant feeling earlier that day at school when he had to attend a movement class. He didn't wanted to do it, but his teacher encouraged him and he did it anyway. He said that he felt so much better after that class and that it made up his mind once again that dance is for him te nicest thing in the world. He made me smile somehow. You know, A is such a rare but gorgeous person. He's so pure and real. He is so passionate about the things he does. It's an honor to get some of his precious time.
So, he started his explanation that we were going to have a good warm up, do some technique and than start working on the choreo. He also added: 'have fun!'. That moment I realised we weren't going to 'work' with my fears and insecurities. It took me some time to let it o but from the moment I could, I DID enjoy it. I had fun! The level was high though. He made me do a lot of hardcore ballet technique. Beside him I felt goofy though I liked doing it and pushing myself too. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror so I looked at his legs and try to feel how high mine were. I've missed ballet all along. It was hard, but I didn't gave in (guess that's where the muscle soreness is coming from! :O ). I was surprised (read: shocked) when he showed me pieces of the choreography. I noticed it had a super technical high level. I mean, he's been doing this for his entire life! And I'm just.. well, you know! I tried to do everything he asked and I felt fun. I had fun doing this piece. I kinda worked my ass off! In the end I recorded it, just to be able to remember it for next week. When I came home, I didn't dare to look at it. I just mailed it to A. After a while, I did took a sneak peak. The first thing I noticed was that we were synchrone most of the time!
Well, I also realised that this wasn't the plan. And I still have ALL my fears and insecurities I wanted to dance out, IN me. So than I was thinking I should shift the idea a bit and maybe keep working on this piece to proove (myself) that you don't have to be superskinny or a model to dance modern/ballet/contemporary, to show that I CAN do this. But it also made me think and question what I should do with the fears that are still there. I wrote 2 letters to A before. I handed none of them to him. Off course he CAN'T know what's going on if I don't say anything. But I just can't. And than I found these words from dancer and writer Ish: 'De woorden die je niet durft uit te spreken zijn meestal de belangrijkste.' And I felt busted and caught, once again...
It's hard. I have no idea how to be anymore. I had such a horrible night, I'm exhausted. I don't know how to eat, how to write, how to breathe, how to be.
It's kinda hard to explain but it IS just how I feel at the moment. And to be honest, last few weeks. But the last week has been the worst of all! My heart goes crazy, breathing hurts, I can't speak by times 'cause my throat is completely blocked. Yes, by fear. Well, if you've never been SO afraid, I can't explain it. But for me it feels as it's the only thing in the world. My world. It's completely overwhelming.
Now, where this fear is coming from. I asked a choreographer a few months ago if he wanted to work on a solo project with me. (I want to dance out ALL of the violence which is done against me) I was glad he said yes. (It took me about 1000 tries to finally hit 'SEND' 'cause I was too afraid for his answer, thinking he would reject it, but he didn't.) We've set dates and I told him that I wanted to pay him advance because otherwise I might not show up or find excuses. And yet, last week, my courage sank into my shoes and I opened a message to him. I was thinking on what I could write to say I wouldn't have go to class. The most easy thing was to write that I have 4 bruised ribs. And you know, that not even a lie but as soon as I realized what I wrote him before I didn't even send this anymore. I felt busted by myself!! So, tomorrow is my first class and I'm stuck. I have no idea which way to go. I still didn't decide which music I should use! The madness! I have a list of about 10 songs and I just can't decide which one I'll use 'cause I'm even too afraid that I'll choose the 'wrong' piece of music. Maybe I'll list the names of the song just to bring clarity in my brain. Hope I can choose one. I still need to buy it and even let my teacher know. (I'm terrified to text him!!) I mean my class is like in less than 24 hours!!
Options: - This is what it feels like - Eva Blom - Wake me up - Madilyn Bailey - Use somebody - Laura Janssen - Nirvana (acoustic version) - Sam Smith - Let it go - James Bay - Love in the dark - Adele - Things you've never done - Passenger
I knew that I would get cold feet so I thought I prepared myself good enough. I wrote him a letter with *everything* in it, just to not have to say something. 'Cause when the fear takes over, le me is collapsing and I can't bring out words anymore.. And I allready told him about this letter and of course I told him that I wouldn't give it to him if he didn't knew about it. Why am I doing this to myself? I'm cheeting on myself in every single way! I'm mad!!
So I wrote him what I want: I want to dance my heart out. The darkness and it's dark voices that have settled in me, will always be a part of who I am. But this time I wnt to be stronger. I want to be able to translate the pain I've been hinding and running away from into a universal language without having to explain it. This is the last time I'll be going though all of this pain again in order to be able to let it out. I want to be able to use this in de future, whenever I feel this darkness rising, I'll dance it out. Because from now on I will always be more than the girl I used to be or who I ever was.
And I wrote why I want this: For my whole life I believed I was nothing, no one, ugly, unable, ... I was all the darkness. I've been fighting all along, sometimes I'm still fighting :( I survived ALL the things. I even survived myself at my worst. But that doesn't mean it didn't had an impact on me. I know that these pieces of darkness will always be a part of me, but i don't want to BE the darkness anymore. I want to be able to step out of it, into the light. Nothing or no one from the past should still be able to control me an/or my life. I want to proove myself that fear can't hold me back (anymore), that I can do anything regardless of what happened before, weight, looks, ... I know I'll have to go through the pain to heal it, but that doesn't mean I'm not afraid to do so. 'Cause to be honest; it scares the crap out of me. Ever since the day I decided to finally do this.
And than I wrote down everything that scares me about this: - I fear the fear - I'm scared that my fear will paralyze me - I'm scared that you might think the weight of this is too heavy and stop this before it's finished - I'm scared that you will see me as a victim and no longer as the person I became, the woman I am today - I'm scared that you will treat me as a victim - I'm scared that I won't do it good enough - I'm scared of my own darkness and having to face it - I'm scared to fall back into panick attacks, nightmares, ... - I'm scared to not have 'the right' music - I'm scared that I won't be good enough - I'm scared of seeing myself struggling
All of this followed by 2 pages with all the violence that had and some of them still have the biggest impact on me/my life. Also, while I was listing these fears here, I just realised there are tho more! -I'm scared TO DEATH to give this letter to him and even face him. He looks like a picture perfect and he dances soft and smooth and when I'm trying something.. Well it looks goofy and clumpsy! -I'm scared I will be so scared that I will cut off my feelings and dissociate. That I will just do whatever he says, without FEELING anything because I'm too afraid. And I'm afraid that he won't recognize that in me.
I do have trouble breathing and I have to swallow ALL the tears. I'm so insecure and I honestly don't know what to do. I have to pick a piece of music but the fear is so real and big and surrounding that I can't decide! How can you have a danceclass without a piece of music?! I don't know how to face him!! This fear makes me feel so ashamed. This is the reason why I have to write all of this down. I just can't face anyone. My teacher is still young. And I'm afraid that this is too heavy for him, that he'll quit. But I also do know, no matter how terrified I feel and am, no matter how lost and broken I feel, that I'll have to go through. I've been readings so many articles about fear and how to function with it. This morning I've read something beautiful! The writer said that you CAN face your fears if you have a friend or coach near you that create a safe environment to let you be. She wrote the importance that they make you feel worhty and vulnerable again. But THAT again is a problem. 'Cause we don't know each other that good I guess.
Well, I think this storm of fear will rage on all night and tomorrow. I will now only try to manage my tears and fears and breaths. I still don't know about the music. :( I just can't explain how difficult this is for me... I'm so sorry.
But I'm not. I've busted myself yesterday - AGAIN. It always happens without me even noticing. It's always after I spoke the words that I actual feel like a liar. Yet I don't know how to say I'm not okay. It always happens so fast. You say hello to the ones you met and when they ask how I'm doing I answer with a great big smile on my face: 'I'm fine, thank you!'. It happens every single time.
Even when I had my appointment at the physiotherapist. I thought to maybe talk to him about the nightmares and anxiety and so on. So I came in, he asked 'How are you?' and there my face with the smile popped up and said 'I'm fine, thank you!'. I was so mad at myself. Because sometimes I don't feel okay at all. I just wish I could find a way to express that. To make it visible for others.
Stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have that shit. I always hoped to be able to say; 'I have had that, but it's gone now.' It comes in waves. It's been a very long way from where I come. I couldn't sleep at night because of nightmares, during the day I had flashbacks, I freaked out if someone touched my arm or shoulder, I only wore baggy clothes to be not sexy at all, I've been biting myself till I had giant bruises, I even wanted to end my life. That quite a sum up.
But after all, I'm happy with all the progress I've made in between! I sleep at night, am okay with touches, trust others again, dress up like a lady and do sexy things like burlesque. So you know, that made me feel like I had everything in control. It made me feel so powerfull because I had the feeling that I had conquered the PTSD.
Yet, today, I'm wide awake in bed. Afraid to close my eyes and fall asleep. I had to go to the gynaecologist earlier this week. I never knew this would be SUCH a trigger for me. I came back crying and lost from the hospital. Ever since, the PTSD is controlling me instead of the other way around. I cry for nothing, I'm terrified all the time, I've had so horrible nightmares and flashbacks last nights that right now, I don't even dare to close my eyes anymore because I'm afraid for what will come.
Come on, you know the feeling. The feeling that someone hugs you SO tight you could barely breath. A hug so tight that you just couldn't fell down because someone had you. So tight that this cold frozen heart of yours started to melt. So tight that you could set yourself on fire again. So tight that all of your broken, shattered pieces came back together and you finally felt whole again. A hug so tight you realised again for what you're doing it. So tight that you finally felt loved and humble and worthy and amazing again.
A hug so tight for as long you need it to believe all of the above. Because a hug is powerful and can actually do so.
To be honest: I need a hug. I need that kind of hug because I don't feel ME anymore. I feel like I'm shattered into thousand pieces. I don't feel loved, though I know I am. I need a hug SO tight I can't barely breath. A hug SO tight to know someone got me. So tight.
When I wanted to go to the toilet this morning and pulled down my pyjama's, I wasn't fast enough to sit down. Before I sat down they're was a huge blood clot falling on the floor. I hurried to sit down and felt chills down my spine. This means I'm having me period again, and just as the last time it promises to be heavy.
I'm so afraid that I will loose so much blood again till I collapse or feel so weak. 18 more days before I have my appointment at the gynecologist. It's scary to not know where this period is taking me...
It's a very thin line between just enough and too much. Yesterday I crossed the line. I gave too much from myself to someone who actually didn't deserve it that much. So in fact: I have let taken out all my energy and what is left of me today is nothing more than a tired, emotional and sick little girl.
I almost haven't slept last night; I had nightmares about yesterday. I was wide awake, overthinking. This morning I woke up with dark circles under my eyes, very white skin and a slight headache. I felt so tired. I walked into the bathroom and was shocked from seeing that face in the mirror. It's a face I haven't seen in years. Because that face has always been the one that shows up when I do not take enough care of myself. So while looking at myself in the mirror I felt guilty because I suddenly understood how far I had crossed that line.
Thought I could fix it with concealer, but didn't do that much. Arrived at school, had to speak in front of the class, bursted out in tears.
I got a real bad headache, nausea, dizzyness, ... I had it all... Because I've had crossed that line. I'm mad at myself. I couldn't even study today for my evaluation tomorrow because I had to catch up with sleep this afternoon.
And you know what, I'm even madder (that's probably not the right word) at myself for I'll be the one picking her up tomorrow morning, risking to be late for that specefic evaluation.
And all I could fish for right now was someone to pamper me with a hug and touching my hair. That would've been great. But I've crossed the line. I did all of this to someone yesterdag while forgetting myself. I will now not forget about that.
I'm quite in class... Everything that's happing is too overwhelming somehow. It makes me very still. And even aching! I FEEL pain. Like the mental pain is coming out in physical pain. Call me weird or wathever you like, I feel it that way.
One teacher asked about what was going on. I said that I'd probably lost all my fairy dust that keeps me flying.
She said she'ld leave me alone and wouldn't ask me a lot of thing when I answered that that would be awesome. She went back to her chair, looked at me and said: 'I miss you'.
All I could think by myself was... It's okay. Today is okay to be not okay.
Liefste Janneke Maan Hemelhoog zie ik je staan Een fonkelend nieuwe ster aan je zij Met haar aanwezigheid ben je vast heel blij Het doet me pijn Hier beneden, zonder haar te zijn Zij die ik zo heb bemind Met haar geknuffel altijd welgezind.
Liefste Janneke Maan Ik weet, ik kan er van op aan Na alles wat ze heeft gegeven Verdient ze naast jou een tweede leven Sluit ze in koude nachten in je armen Om haar hartje te verwarmen.
Liefste Janneke Maan Vanuit het raam, zie ik je staan Ik huil nog even en denk 'Dit is het leven'
Een fonkelende ster aan je zij Voor mij zo ver weg, voor jou zo dichtbij
A little girl just trying to keep with ALL the things. Yesterday, I went to bed at 8pm, this morning my alarm waked me up at 7 am. That means I slept for 11 hours. That's quite the shizzle, if you're asking me! I wanted to jump out off bed, but whilst I was busy doing that, I've allready hit the floor. I was dizzy, another day, again! It's awfull to know that normally you're so filled with energy and now there's notting left. It all cost me so much. Getting out of bed needs patience and extra care, let alone getting through the day. I feel dizzy, see black dots and starts everywhere, feel cold shivers and alone. I feel alone. But that does not mean I'm not pulling myself back up on the straps of my bra to continue. It's almost weekend.
At this time, normally I'ld be standing in a huge dance studio teaching belly dance to some nice ladies. But mother nature changed that plan. I have canceled my class, although I didn't wanted too, I didn't felt good enough to teach a proper class. Also, before you continue reading; this might be the weirdest post you have ever read. I'm able to switch languages and talk about uhm... ALL the things at the same time. It might be a mess, which it maybe allready is, but I don't mind, because it's this gorgeous mess of chaos in my head too and I want to spit it out! So here I go.
This week has had a huge impact on me so far. It started on Sunday. While I was preparing dinner I saw all these black spots appear and collapsed. I went to bed early and I thought that 'ld be it. On Monday I felt it again on my way home after school. Went to bed, went to phsyiotherapist where I collapsed again. More collapsing on Tuesday and Wednesday and today, Thursday. Mother Nature is not my closest friend anymore at this time.
I've never been 'regular'. So my period appears when Mother Nature wants it too and how she wants it to. Mostly there are a few months in between. But when she arrives it's real business! Pain, hurts and major bleedings! Normally I'm able to catch up with it. I feel not as strong as usual but I manage to eat the good things to keep me strong. This time is worse! I can not tell the times that I have felt so bad! It awfull! I feel so weak I can not even do ONE pull up! I can not run 'cause I have no energy, and when Mother Nature decides to drop my blood pressure, this girl is going down. I've almost had it by now!
Today was a good day! I was happy this morning. I didn't felt like superwoman, but I was okay. When I go from sitting to standing I have to watch myself, but I managed! It was in the last classes it all went wrong again. It was quite warm in the class and not too much oxygen. I had some trouble breathing and every now and then I felt my heart loud and clear pumping in my chest. It was about one hour and a half more to go before this schoolday was over. The teacher played a little movie about something from the heart. I could not focus. At all. My hands started to shake and cramp, I had the feeling my lungs didn't get enough oxygen and my heart was unstoppable chasing in my rib cage. I tried to ease myself and come back to normal breathing, but my blood pression was dropping. I had to steady my head as I felt myself sinking down. The next thing I heard was noise. Noise from moving banks and chairs as I felt someone wrapping his arms around me to lay me down on the floor. I was anxious and had no more control on my breaths. I heard my teacher's voice and the voice of B, a male collegue who is also a first aider and works for an anbumlance. Both of them were very calm, that helped. I needed that for I was a mess and I needed something to soothe me. Idon't know in wich thing happend before the other. But Blayed me down on the floor, the teacher keept on talking to me. I felt pain in my hands, I was shaking and freezing! They asked me to breath slowly and open my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw EVERYBODY looking at me like I was strange animal in the zoo. B asked them to leave! Thank God he did that! I sat in between B's legs but was still dizzy. They layed me down on a matrass and gave me a blanket. I bursted out in tears...
J stayed with me and took my blood pressure, we laughed away the tears... It hurts, you know! It really hurts to feel that you're loosing control over your own body. Especially when it's happening again! So many times in just one week...
Every period I have also reminds me strong to 'Vlinder'. The little girl I've loved so much and still do, but also the one I lost too soon. No one knows how much I really miss her, many don't even know she has even been part of my life. I do miss her. The missing comes in waves, and this week I'm drowning! Guess that's also the reason why it helps me so much when I hear soothing, calm voices and feel gentle touches when I collapse. You know that since I've collapsed the first time on Sunday I just wanted to be hugged?! Such a hug that is real strong, with one arm around your shoulders and the other one holding your head and going through your hair. The kind of hug where you're sure that someone is there for you, someone to say you'll be okay and everything will be fine. When I collapsed on Wednesday afternoon here at home, I woke up on the floor and when I opened my eyes, I saw my dog. He was concerned. We cuddled, but he couldn't hug me.
The teachers (another one came in too) said that I shouldn't drive. B agreed and said he would bring me home with my car 'cause his sister could pick him up near my house. We walked to our cars. As he opened his car I thought he forgot he'ld take me home and when I wanted to go to my place in the car, he smiled and reached out his hand to give hime my keys. Well, I have to admit that today he was my rock! Big time. On our way home he told me how it went in class because we have different memories of it. Of course; he saw it all happen, I felt it all. We laughed. He asked me to PLEASE warn him the next time if I don't feel okay.
That's the hardest part for me. Admitting that I'm not okay. It's really hard. So that's the reason why I don't say it. Because I always think I'll be able to manage it on my own, no control I have to give away. But by now, we know what happens then.
I'm still feeling dizzy and weak. My head hurts me. It took me a lot to write all of this just because I don't see everything clear. And I still don't have the feeling that my mind is emptied, it helped a bit! I'm tired too... I guess I will sleep very well.
When I came home and told my brother I felt dizzy again he answered quite strict: 'You should see a doctor'. I thought by myself that I don't really need a doctor, while I had actually hoped I could've got my hug from him. I just need to become friends again with mother nature. She has won this time, BIG TIME! I do not even want to compete anymore.
So, talking about an impressive day, yesterday was quite impressive on me! It still gives me chills down my spine when I think of it. In fact, it was a good day. Boring classes, but we laughed a lot! Yes, it had been a good day. We all walked together to our cars and said goodbye to one another. I got into my car, started the engine and gave it a go. After a few metres, things went completely wrong! I started to feel dizzy, uncomfortable and weird! I somehow didn't feel my body anymore, yet very strong at the same time. I saw black spots everywhere and had this strange feeling in my hands and feet. I was terrified!!
I opened my car window to let some fresh air in. I felt better, for about the one full second. I had no idea what to do and was so afraid I'ld collapse. I don't know how precisely, but I got home. I couldn't walk straight anymore. I stumbled upstairs and ended on my bed. Walls and ceiling were dancing around me. Seriously, that feeling sucks so hard, big time!
Normally I had an appointment with my physiotherapist, but I couldn't drive like how I felt. I wanted to him but my phone was downstairs in my handbag. I felt so miserable I could cry. Went downstairs, took my phone and stumbled all the way back to the bathroom. When I saw my face in the mirror, I bursted out in tears. I called my far away friend, she couldn't help off course, but I was glad to hear her friendly, caring voice!. I felt dizzy and shaking but managed to shower. Mu brother suggested he'ld bring me to my physiotherapist.
I sat in the waiting room, resting my head against the wall. I sat there for about 10 minutes, then it was my turn. When I stood up, I saw everything changing into black again. I walked to his office whit the therapist walking behind me. He asked 'What happend this time?' while smiling? I turned around and said: 'I don't feel okay'. He answered 'I can see that.' and just managed to give me some support before I completely collapsed. He layed me down on his table with my feet and legs a little higher. I was nervous and anxious, guess he saw it on my face. But he was so professional and friendly that I was happy my brother drove me there.
He asked me to realx my shoulders, but I couldn't. So he gently pushed my shoulders down and said: 'You'll be okay now, you're safe and in very good hands. No worries for I'll take care of you now.' That really eased the panic inside of me. He asked me questions about what I've had for lunch and dinner, if I drink enough and sleep enough. No judging. Yesterday, he really was my rock. He managed to be perfectly what I needed when I collapsed and was very scared. I had this cold shivers all over my body so he turned up the heater and gave me a blanket.
We smiled when he said out loud he almost couldn't imagine this was happening to me again. He did this special massage trick in my neck to raise my blood pressure. He've spent more time than he normally does, but by the time I walked out, I didn't feel so dizzy anymore. My brother drove me back home and again, I went straight to bed, for I was tired. Exhausted!
