It's kinda hard to explain but it IS just how I feel at the moment. And to be honest, last few weeks. But the last week has been the worst of all! My heart goes crazy, breathing hurts, I can't speak by times 'cause my throat is completely blocked. Yes, by fear. Well, if you've never been SO afraid, I can't explain it. But for me it feels as it's the only thing in the world. My world. It's completely overwhelming.
Now, where this fear is coming from. I asked a choreographer a few months ago if he wanted to work on a solo project with me. (I want to dance out ALL of the violence which is done against me) I was glad he said yes. (It took me about 1000 tries to finally hit 'SEND' 'cause I was too afraid for his answer, thinking he would reject it, but he didn't.) We've set dates and I told him that I wanted to pay him advance because otherwise I might not show up or find excuses. And yet, last week, my courage sank into my shoes and I opened a message to him. I was thinking on what I could write to say I wouldn't have go to class. The most easy thing was to write that I have 4 bruised ribs. And you know, that not even a lie but as soon as I realized what I wrote him before I didn't even send this anymore. I felt busted by myself!! So, tomorrow is my first class and I'm stuck. I have no idea which way to go. I still didn't decide which music I should use! The madness! I have a list of about 10 songs and I just can't decide which one I'll use 'cause I'm even too afraid that I'll choose the 'wrong' piece of music. Maybe I'll list the names of the song just to bring clarity in my brain. Hope I can choose one. I still need to buy it and even let my teacher know. (I'm terrified to text him!!) I mean my class is like in less than 24 hours!!
Options: - This is what it feels like - Eva Blom - Wake me up - Madilyn Bailey - Use somebody - Laura Janssen - Nirvana (acoustic version) - Sam Smith - Let it go - James Bay - Love in the dark - Adele - Things you've never done - Passenger
I knew that I would get cold feet so I thought I prepared myself good enough. I wrote him a letter with *everything* in it, just to not have to say something. 'Cause when the fear takes over, le me is collapsing and I can't bring out words anymore.. And I allready told him about this letter and of course I told him that I wouldn't give it to him if he didn't knew about it. Why am I doing this to myself? I'm cheeting on myself in every single way! I'm mad!!
So I wrote him what I want: I want to dance my heart out. The darkness and it's dark voices that have settled in me, will always be a part of who I am. But this time I wnt to be stronger. I want to be able to translate the pain I've been hinding and running away from into a universal language without having to explain it. This is the last time I'll be going though all of this pain again in order to be able to let it out. I want to be able to use this in de future, whenever I feel this darkness rising, I'll dance it out. Because from now on I will always be more than the girl I used to be or who I ever was.
And I wrote why I want this: For my whole life I believed I was nothing, no one, ugly, unable, ... I was all the darkness. I've been fighting all along, sometimes I'm still fighting :( I survived ALL the things. I even survived myself at my worst. But that doesn't mean it didn't had an impact on me. I know that these pieces of darkness will always be a part of me, but i don't want to BE the darkness anymore. I want to be able to step out of it, into the light. Nothing or no one from the past should still be able to control me an/or my life. I want to proove myself that fear can't hold me back (anymore), that I can do anything regardless of what happened before, weight, looks, ... I know I'll have to go through the pain to heal it, but that doesn't mean I'm not afraid to do so. 'Cause to be honest; it scares the crap out of me. Ever since the day I decided to finally do this.
And than I wrote down everything that scares me about this: - I fear the fear - I'm scared that my fear will paralyze me - I'm scared that you might think the weight of this is too heavy and stop this before it's finished - I'm scared that you will see me as a victim and no longer as the person I became, the woman I am today - I'm scared that you will treat me as a victim - I'm scared that I won't do it good enough - I'm scared of my own darkness and having to face it - I'm scared to fall back into panick attacks, nightmares, ... - I'm scared to not have 'the right' music - I'm scared that I won't be good enough - I'm scared of seeing myself struggling
All of this followed by 2 pages with all the violence that had and some of them still have the biggest impact on me/my life. Also, while I was listing these fears here, I just realised there are tho more! -I'm scared TO DEATH to give this letter to him and even face him. He looks like a picture perfect and he dances soft and smooth and when I'm trying something.. Well it looks goofy and clumpsy! -I'm scared I will be so scared that I will cut off my feelings and dissociate. That I will just do whatever he says, without FEELING anything because I'm too afraid. And I'm afraid that he won't recognize that in me.
I do have trouble breathing and I have to swallow ALL the tears. I'm so insecure and I honestly don't know what to do. I have to pick a piece of music but the fear is so real and big and surrounding that I can't decide! How can you have a danceclass without a piece of music?! I don't know how to face him!! This fear makes me feel so ashamed. This is the reason why I have to write all of this down. I just can't face anyone. My teacher is still young. And I'm afraid that this is too heavy for him, that he'll quit. But I also do know, no matter how terrified I feel and am, no matter how lost and broken I feel, that I'll have to go through. I've been readings so many articles about fear and how to function with it. This morning I've read something beautiful! The writer said that you CAN face your fears if you have a friend or coach near you that create a safe environment to let you be. She wrote the importance that they make you feel worhty and vulnerable again. But THAT again is a problem. 'Cause we don't know each other that good I guess.
Well, I think this storm of fear will rage on all night and tomorrow. I will now only try to manage my tears and fears and breaths. I still don't know about the music. :( I just can't explain how difficult this is for me... I'm so sorry.
I need loads of sleep in order to stay fit. 8 hours a night is perfect, but also long. Some nights I can only get about 6 hours which is way too short if I can't fall asleep right away. So I started to find out how to sleep the better way! :D It's quite funny in fact. There are so many tips and things written on how you should fall asleep fastest and best. So here's the prescription that seems to work best for me:
-A good bed (seems uhm, logical :P) -Do calm things before you go to sleep -Drink camomille tea or hot milk with honey -Use a small pillow -Wear no clothes except for sleeping socks to keep your feet warm -Don't overthink and let go (hardest one!)
You know, I feel a bit guilty that I go naked to my bed, but actually I love it! It's cold in the beginning, but ever since I'm using this list, I sleep WAY better! And when my hands lay down on my belly, skin to skin, I sometimes wonder and have to admit that this body is beautiful. :)
Gisteren was de denkbeeldige druppel. Ik had P nog steeds niet gehoord en had het intussen welletjes gevonden. Zo zei ik het tegen iedereen, terwijl ik vanbinnen nog steeds vurig hoopte op een berichtje van hem. Vanmorgen werd ik opnieuw wakker met het idee dat hij vannacht misschien had gestuurd, maar mijn gsm ontkende dat als mijn alarm af ging.
Het was een drukke dag vandaag. Lopen, jurk passen, berichtjes sturen, reflecteren en werken! Lang werken in de bakkerij. Toen ik thuiskwam maakte ik mezelf overheerlijke vegetarische risotto. Halfweg het recept wou ik kijken of mijn moeder me nog niet had gebeld en zei dat er een berichtje was aangekomen. Ik open mijn inbox en verslik me haast in mijn eigen speeksel als ik zie dat het van P is.
'Hey srry dat ik NT antwrde. Ma heb problemen gehad met sim kaart. Alvast goede feesten voor u en uzmw familie gewest voor 2016.'
Ik was in eerste instantie gelukkig dat hij blijkbaar toch nog eens aan mij dacht en me effectief een bericht stuurde hoewel ik helemaal geen idee heb wat ik hier moet op antwoorden.
Gisteren zag ik een collega van de dienst waar ik P leerde kennen. Blijkbaar hebben ze hem niet gespaard. Na de fuif en het verschijnen van de bijhorende foto's bleven ze hem bestoken met 'Hebben jullie gekust?', 'Heb je haar nog gehoord?', ... Ik kan me voorstellen dat dat voor iemand die wat verlegen aangelegd is geen cadeau is.
En nu? Nu ga ik mijn zelfgemaakte moelleux eten en hopen dat er in het smeltende hart van chocolade een antwoord schuilt. Iets wat ik P kan sturen.
Zondagochtend besloot ik voet bij stuk te houden en P. niet als eerste te sturen. Hij had een laatdienst, ik vermoed met een wat pushende vrouwelijke collega die hem aanspoorde me een bericht te sturen, want ineens kreeg ik dit:
P - 19.57: Hey cava? Hoe staat het met de stageopdracht? L - 19.57: Dag P! Ze is AF! Eindelijk. :) Ik was het kotsbeu. Nu weer tijd voor leuke dingen. Hoe gaat het met jou? P - 20.23: CV met mij, gisteren was m'n pijp uit hoor. Nu veel drukker als gisteren op het werk, nog niet stil gezeten. L - 20.24: Oh, amai, het kan snel veranderen he. Gelukkig is het je laatste voorlopig! :) P - 21.20: Idd. Zitten juist neer, nu nog papier werk en het zit erop voor vandaag. L - 21.21: Veel succes ermee. Ik duim voor je dat het vlot gaat. :) p - 23.18: Net vertrokken, nog een spoedopname gehad en zo is alles uitgelopen.
Ik was al een poos in slaap gevallen en las z'n laatste berichtje pas maandagochtend. Ik antwoordde om 10.41 met 'Goedemorgen P, hopelijk maak ik je niet wakker. Het was nogal laat precies gisteren?! :/ maar je heb je enkele dagen vrijaf, toch? :) Geniet van je dag.
En intussen zijn we dinsdag laatavond en heb ik hem nog steeds niet gehoord. Ik begrijp het niet, helemaal niet. Ik weet niet eens meer wat ik moet doen; wel of niet sturen?! Ik had gehoopt dat hij nu eens wat initiatief zou nemen, maar blijkbaar is zelfs dat teveel gevraagd. Mensen zeggen we dat hij vast tussen de koeien in de stal zit. Maar moet ik het daar dan echt mee doen? Hem NOG een bericht sturen behoort ook niet echt tot mijn opties vind ik. Mijn broer adviseerde me dat er nog vis zit in de vijver. En ondanks het feit dat ik weet dat ik een man wil die ook wat initiatief neemt en hem op z'n minst eens laat horen, deed het pijn. Pijn omdat ik begreep uit m'n broer zijn woorden dat ik P moet loslaten. 'Alweer één!', dacht ik bij mezelf. Ik heb zo gehuild en B en was zo gelukkig toen P ook interesse in mij leekt te hebben en nu moet ik hem ook weer loslaten?! Het was zo ontzettend lang geleden dat ik me nog zo goed bij iemand heb gevoeld. Zo rustig als we konden babbelen kon ik volledig vrij, mezelf zijn. Ik blijf erbij dat ik bij hem het gevoel had adem te krijgen. Ergens dacht/denk ik dat hij weinig ervaring heeft met relaties, maar eigenlijk voel ik me nu vooral radeloos. Misschien had ik teveel gehoopt dat hij 'The one' zou zijn.
Ik keek naar Once Upon A Time zag (toevallig?!) de afleving waarin Charming Snow White vond door de ring. Ik voelde een traan over mijn wangen rollen terwijl ik naar mijn replica van de ring keek om mijn middelvinger. Ik weet wat gegraveerd staat aan de binnenkant maar deed de ring toch af om het opnieuw te lezen.
'I believe - True Love'
Ik slikte de tranen en het bijhorende verdriet door terwijl ik nog een laatste keer onverhoopt op mijn gsm keek of P intussen zou gestuurd hebben. Ik bleef staren naar het scherm net zolang tot het wachtlichtje uitging en besloot in bed te gaan liggen.
P had me gestuurd dat hij me nog iets zou laten weten, maar dat bericht kwam pas gisteravond om 22.01, vlak na zijn shift dus. De conversatie ging als volgt:
P: Ga mij gaan omkleden, net gedaan L: Tot straks! P: Ok, spreken we binnen af? L: Ja, dat is goed. :)
Hoewel ik me ongemakkelijk voelde, want ik ga niet zo graag naar cafés en zeker niet naar diegenen die ik niet ken of waar ik zelf nog niet ben geweest. Als ik binnenkwam hoorde ik veel lawaai en was het druk. Er waren heel veel mensen! De kerstversiering had plaatsgemaakt voor Star Wars spullen en de muziek stond luid. Achteraan was nog een bartafeltje vrij. Ik stuurde nog wat berichtjes met mijn broer tot hij ineens voor me stond. Hij zag er opnieuw goed uit. Hij had een hemdje aan met een V-hals truitje erboven. Ik had voor mijn zwarte spy-dress gekeken, die is niet TE chique, mijn haar was gewoon los.
Ik vroeg of het druk was geweest op de afdeling, maar hij zei dat het wel meeviel omdat er maar 9 patiënten liggen. We hebben gepraat. De hele avond lang. Over verpleegkunde, patiënten, stages, jobs en stageopdrachten. Ik vroeg hem naar de boerderij en hoe hij dat doet. Zijn oudste broer zou de boerderij uiteindelijk overnemen, maar nu doen ze het nog samen. De oudste broer zorgt voor het vee, P zorgt voor de machines en al het werk dat daarmee moet gebeuren en de jongste broer voert de herstellingswerken uit. Hij zorgt hij samen met zijn broer afwisselende shifts heeft op het werk om de boerderij te kunnen blijven runnen. We hadden het over reizen omdat hij voor het eerst in zijn leven een vliegreis zal maken; een groepsreis met jongeren op zoek naar het noorderlicht. Hij wil graag naar Schotland, ik ook.
Hij vroeg waar ik wilde werken. 'I only don't know' - dacht ik bij mezelf. Hij vroeg me naar het dansen en de luchtacrobatiek. Hoeveel keer ik ongeveer optreed. Wat ik precies doe.
We hadden het over het kalf dat is gestorven toen hij net het geniale plan had om me een berichtje te sturen. Dat bericht heb ik nooit gekregen. Het kalf was een verlies voor de boerderij. Ze hebben twee honden op de boerderij: Duitse herders, lange haren. I love those!! Eigenlijk één hond op de boerderij en één hond privé. Het teefje is nogal dominant en kan het niet zo goed vinden met de reu, dus komen ze nooit samen. De honden komen nooit binnen; P is hyperallergisch aan ze. Hij had het ook dat hij drie jaar in zijn opleiding de enige man was tussen vrouwen en dat hij op de afdeling ook lang de enige man was. 'Al die vrouwen'. Dat doet me me soms afvragen of hij nu wel of geen vriendin wil.
Ik vind het leuk om naar hem te luisteren. Zijn ogen twinkelen als hij praat over de dingen die hij het liefst doet. Langs de andere kant is hij de rust zelve. Ik denk niet dat P ooit op te jagen is. Soms vraag ik me ook af of er wel genoeg pit in zit voor mij. Hij had snel genoeg door dat ik een vrij sterk karakter heb, maar of hij mans genoeg is om daar goed te kunnen mee omgaan weet ik niet.
Dus nu... weet ik het even niet. Het was een leuke avond. Ik was pas thuis om 2 uur, dat had ik niet meteen verwacht. Maar de 'Et après' blijft in mijn hoofd spoken. Ik weet niet wat er nu moet... Ik vind hem leuk, maar ik weet niet hoe het verder moet nu. Ik denk dat ik hem geen bericht ga sturen. Ik vraag me oprecht af hoeveel dagen het gaat duren vooraleer hij me stuurt, of er aan denkt om me te sturen.
For the first time in forever I'm having a second date! A second date!!! With P. The one I met in the hospital. I didn't heard him a lot last week because he clearly doesn't have a tight connection with his mobile, but tonight we'll meet at a bar after his work. I'm so glad!! :)
I'm running a new internship in a non-psychiatric environment. No other students from my class or that I know, no friendly nurses who let me work together, ask how I'm doing, ... When I went to the toilet, from the moment I locked the door and stood there in that tiny room I realized how lonely and alone I felt.
Today is the last day of school for this year. That also means the very last day I'll be sitting next to him. Last day I get to talk to him and sink into his beautiful green eyes. I'll miss him!
We had an excursion with school. Because R and I had to come back to the same place we said we'ld go together. So, I went to pick him up. He was silent in the car. Busy on his phone. I was jealous to whomever he was texting. I want to talk with him so badly, but once again, I don't want to destroy his allready broken relationship. But it's hard to keep it all in. Yet we were sitting the whole day next to each other, so close, we're still so far.
But I'm not. I've busted myself yesterday - AGAIN. It always happens without me even noticing. It's always after I spoke the words that I actual feel like a liar. Yet I don't know how to say I'm not okay. It always happens so fast. You say hello to the ones you met and when they ask how I'm doing I answer with a great big smile on my face: 'I'm fine, thank you!'. It happens every single time.
Even when I had my appointment at the physiotherapist. I thought to maybe talk to him about the nightmares and anxiety and so on. So I came in, he asked 'How are you?' and there my face with the smile popped up and said 'I'm fine, thank you!'. I was so mad at myself. Because sometimes I don't feel okay at all. I just wish I could find a way to express that. To make it visible for others.
Stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have that shit. I always hoped to be able to say; 'I have had that, but it's gone now.' It comes in waves. It's been a very long way from where I come. I couldn't sleep at night because of nightmares, during the day I had flashbacks, I freaked out if someone touched my arm or shoulder, I only wore baggy clothes to be not sexy at all, I've been biting myself till I had giant bruises, I even wanted to end my life. That quite a sum up.
But after all, I'm happy with all the progress I've made in between! I sleep at night, am okay with touches, trust others again, dress up like a lady and do sexy things like burlesque. So you know, that made me feel like I had everything in control. It made me feel so powerfull because I had the feeling that I had conquered the PTSD.
Yet, today, I'm wide awake in bed. Afraid to close my eyes and fall asleep. I had to go to the gynaecologist earlier this week. I never knew this would be SUCH a trigger for me. I came back crying and lost from the hospital. Ever since, the PTSD is controlling me instead of the other way around. I cry for nothing, I'm terrified all the time, I've had so horrible nightmares and flashbacks last nights that right now, I don't even dare to close my eyes anymore because I'm afraid for what will come.
Come on, you know the feeling. The feeling that someone hugs you SO tight you could barely breath. A hug so tight that you just couldn't fell down because someone had you. So tight that this cold frozen heart of yours started to melt. So tight that you could set yourself on fire again. So tight that all of your broken, shattered pieces came back together and you finally felt whole again. A hug so tight you realised again for what you're doing it. So tight that you finally felt loved and humble and worthy and amazing again.
A hug so tight for as long you need it to believe all of the above. Because a hug is powerful and can actually do so.
To be honest: I need a hug. I need that kind of hug because I don't feel ME anymore. I feel like I'm shattered into thousand pieces. I don't feel loved, though I know I am. I need a hug SO tight I can't barely breath. A hug SO tight to know someone got me. So tight.
A little longer than two years ago I was talking with a female friend about R, a common male friend. We both agreed that he was a warm, positive and good man, but we also both concluded we'ld never be able to fall in love with him. In fact, that was even out of the question, because he had a girlfriend and they were happy together!
Yet I sit here today, mad in love with him. It took me quite some time to be able to admit that I actually fell for him because I can still hear myself saying that I could never fall in love with him. Looks like I did. :/ I'm very confused. First of all because I had to admit it to myself and second: he's still together with his girlfriend.
It hurts, because during the time we've spent together, it's not that I got to know him better, I got this remembrance of him like we've known each other before. I would love to talk to him about it. If he doesn't love me, that's fine, I even completely understand that! But hearing him say that out loud, would help me so much to get over it and move on. And yet, sometimes, his eyes, the way he looks at me, his smile, the way he knows me better than I sometimes do, ... It makes me wander sometimes if he'ld possibly 'remember' me too... I wander, because I can not open up to him about it. I would never take the risk to put his current relationship on doubts because of me. Because his happiness is after all the only thing that matters. He makes such a lovely friend too.
But still, everytime we're togheter and every time I think of him and also every single time I miss him, I wander...
When I was in London on a holiday last time, I bought a book. It has a gorgeous blue cover with silver linings on it. I loved it instantly. It's a story, some kind of a fairytale. I didn't bought it the first time I saw it, but I was so mezmerised it kept on popping up in my mind. So the other day I walked on in, in every single book store and I bought this beautiful book.
When I came home I felt bad about it, because I have 'no one' to read it too. When I realized I could've been reading this to my baby-daughter I lost, I bursted out in tears. I would have loved reading it to her. I wanted to read it to myself in my bed earlier this week, but I didn't had the courage.
This afternoon, together with my lovely dog R. We crawled up close in his basket. He rested his head on my legs when I opened the book 'The fox and the star'. I've been reading the whole book while I imagined my daughter crawling onto my lap too. Just the three of us.
R. listened very carefully and I was happy to be finally able to read it without crying that much.
Guess that's my equivalent of reading bedtime stories. I miss her! <3
'I don't know how it is you are so familiar to me- or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before- in another time, a different place- some other existence.'
When I wanted to go to the toilet this morning and pulled down my pyjama's, I wasn't fast enough to sit down. Before I sat down they're was a huge blood clot falling on the floor. I hurried to sit down and felt chills down my spine. This means I'm having me period again, and just as the last time it promises to be heavy.
I'm so afraid that I will loose so much blood again till I collapse or feel so weak. 18 more days before I have my appointment at the gynecologist. It's scary to not know where this period is taking me...
It's a very thin line between just enough and too much. Yesterday I crossed the line. I gave too much from myself to someone who actually didn't deserve it that much. So in fact: I have let taken out all my energy and what is left of me today is nothing more than a tired, emotional and sick little girl.
I almost haven't slept last night; I had nightmares about yesterday. I was wide awake, overthinking. This morning I woke up with dark circles under my eyes, very white skin and a slight headache. I felt so tired. I walked into the bathroom and was shocked from seeing that face in the mirror. It's a face I haven't seen in years. Because that face has always been the one that shows up when I do not take enough care of myself. So while looking at myself in the mirror I felt guilty because I suddenly understood how far I had crossed that line.
Thought I could fix it with concealer, but didn't do that much. Arrived at school, had to speak in front of the class, bursted out in tears.
I got a real bad headache, nausea, dizzyness, ... I had it all... Because I've had crossed that line. I'm mad at myself. I couldn't even study today for my evaluation tomorrow because I had to catch up with sleep this afternoon.
And you know what, I'm even madder (that's probably not the right word) at myself for I'll be the one picking her up tomorrow morning, risking to be late for that specefic evaluation.
And all I could fish for right now was someone to pamper me with a hug and touching my hair. That would've been great. But I've crossed the line. I did all of this to someone yesterdag while forgetting myself. I will now not forget about that.
