I woke up early this morning with tired aching eyes. I felt lost because I felt dumped somehow. I wrote wrote wrote about 6 other pages in my notebook. I left to work and payed extra attention not to forget my phone.
I worked, was friendly as always to our costumers. I faked a smile every time I happily said 'Goodmorning! How can I help you?!'
Every now and then I checked my phone to see if there was a new message, but nothing came in. By the time it was 11.27 am my phone was making the noise of a text message comming in. I wasn't excited, because I taught I would have been someone, you know, not HIM. My boss said: It'll be him! Look at your phone!
She was right, it was him. This was what he wrote me: 'Hi! I couldn't text you yesterday because I had the brilliant idea to change my mobile subscription. :/ No worries! :)
I answered: Hi Y! glad to hear that! :) Beeing unreachable sucks indead. :/ Did you get some rest after your busy first week at your office? Happy Sunday! :)
And guess what. Ever since I've hit sent I didn't hear a message comming in. I feel lost again. I found a playlist on Youtube with sad violin music. It still doesn' to the thing, but it beats the silence a little. Maybe it was just too perfect to be true...
It hurts me so much because it was the first time I have ever felt so good on a date with a man. And not just a man. Y is as I wrote super handsome, clever, tender, gentle, ... He was everything I've ever wanted to see and have in a man. Yet it looks like the best thing I have never had, in fact. It also hurts because I have the feeling that I will never, ever find someone like him again.
So, this was my part 3 from a story that started so lovely with such a lovely man. It seems to end a bit more tragic for me. Don't tell me I'll find another one like him soon, or to get over it or to whatever what. I am a pisces, a very emotional one. So I'll need some time to cope with this. I also have the feeling that part 3 is the last part too though I hope so much I can write you and myself a happy ending in many many following parts in which we see each other again, go out, have walks, go to the circus and on holidays, ...
As you've read before I went to bed happy as a puppy. So guess how I woke up. TRUE! Happy as a puppy. That only happened at 3 AM. I felt like I almost didn't slept at all but I was wide awake. I shared long cuddles with my dog R. who was still tired. :D So I've let him sleep some more and started to write in my notebook. I wrote about my date with Y. Normally in the morning I only write about 2 pages, this time I wrote 5 pages. I was completely overwhelmed by his charms.
When morning finally came I decided to get out of bed. That was 'bout 6.30 am. I got downstairs with my dog and made myself a cup of coffee. I enjoyed the taste a little bit better than usual. I knew it was too early to text him or receive a text from him. So I started to clean my house in a happy mood! Have to admit that my house has never been this clean before and I have never enjoyed doing it so much. In fact I wasn't able to stop thinking about how our date was!
By the time it was 10 am I had everything done I decided to get showered and pay my mom a visit whilst she was working. I arrived just before noon and she didn't had her lunchbreak yet, so we were able to lunch together. She told me how beautiful I was with the curls still in my hair. So listened while I kept on talking about Y. I just couldn't stop saying: 'WHAT A MAN!'. :D My mom was so happy for me and said I deserve one like him.
But in between it was allready 1pm and I didn't heard something from him. I took my phone and looked the number up of a friend. I wrote her that I've never before was so addicted to my phone and I still didn't got anything from him. She answered not to worry. She also wrote that he maybe wanted to sleep a little longer after a busy week. He'll answer, she wrote. I thanked her and drove home.
3.52 pm, message to the friend: I'm going insane!! :( 4.01 pm, message from the friend: Don't despair! He'll be busy with something. It took him a long time yesterday too, to answer. It'll come. You'll see. 4.02 pm, message to the friend: *sigh* thank you. I hope it so so so much.
I got home and tried to sudy for school but my mind wandered every single time to Y again. I tried to find some musice to soothe my aching heart. But I couldn't find anything! Not pianomusic, not Tracy Chapman with the promise, not Stay with me from Twilight, not Sweet Goodbyes from Krezip did the thing. These songs are part from my normal 'cry a little and move on-pack'. But it didn't felt right. I was nervous, anxious, wondered about what could have happened, ... Minutes looked like hours, but eventually evening came.
7.38 pm, message to the friend: Still nothing... 7.55 pm, message from the friend: Oh, that's strange, didn't expected that. What are you going to do? 7.59 pm, message to the friend: I don't know! :( I wanted to text him but have no idea what to write. Don't want to be hopeless in his eyes too. 8.06pm, message from the friend: Yes, I also wouldn't send something. On the other side you can make your text sound like you're worried because you didn't hear him anymore. Maybe he'll answer that. 8.08 pm, message to the friend: Something like this? Hi Y! I hope you got home well yesterday night. Happy weekend! 8.11 pm, message from the friend: Yes! And also write that you find it a bit strange that you didn't hear him anymore. 8.13 pm, message to the friend: Doesn't that sound too pushy? Should I give him the chance to say that he didn't liked me? Hi Y! I've found it a little strange that I didn't hear you anymore. I hope you got home well yesterday night. Happy weekend! 8.15 pm, message to the friend: Hi Y! I've found it a little strange that I didn't hear you anymore, but I also don't want to be pushy. I hope you got home well yesterday night. Happy weekend! 8.17 pm, message from the friend: Yes, that's fine, you can't do more. But in the end if he had a good or bad feeling about the date, he could have let you known something. 8.19 pm, message to the friend: Yes, true! It's okay if I'm not what he's looking for but he could have said that instead of that we'ld be hearing and texting each other. 8.19 pm, message to the friend: I've hit 'sent'. 8.22 pm, message from the friend: You'll see if he answers. I hope so! 8.23 pm, message to the friend: If he gets in touch with me, I'll let you know. Thanks again!!!
So, this message was sent to him but I got more nervous than before! I didn't even gave my phone the chance to go in stand-by mode. I kept on looking while my heart was aching. At 9 pm I went to bed! Though I was completely exhausted I couldn't find some sleep. I kept on looking to my phone and my heart skipped a beat every time there was an alarm from Facebook or Viber or Whatsapp or whatever. But I didn't got anything. I bursted out into tears. I felt so lost. I really had such a good feeling about our date and him... I opened Youtube to find another song for my heart but couldn't find the right track. I didn't really slept. You know, that feeling between beeing awake and actual sleeping. That was it. The whole night!My eyes burned from beeing so tired!
I woke up early because I had to go to work. I thought again on Fridaynight, our date. Yeah, this was the best thing I have (n)ever had.
So... As many of you are wondering how my date was with Mr. Y., you'll find the full report right here! I will write it in different parts/episodes. I actually wanted to write it in 3 parts, but I'm not sure anymore I'll be able to capture it in only 3, so we'll see where we end. For now... Part 1.
When I came home from school on FridayI had a terrible headache so I went to bed and slept for 3 hours. After that I started to curl my hair which took about one hour and a half. While the curls where cooling down I went to bed again, headache still wasn't gone! I've put the alarm at 6 pm, which gave me 1 hour to get ready to leave for my date. I woke up and went to the bathroom. My hair looked absolutely adorable with these curls, I was happy with the result. I did some bobby pins and hairspray in it to keep everything into place. I did my make-up which was only concealer, a fine eyeliner and some mascara. Put on my dress and killer heels (I didn't want to look like Tumbalina!). And I was ready to go at 6.57 pm. I left the house and drove to R.
On my way I stopped to text him that if he would be early and he wanted to go in, the reservation was on my name. Almost immediatly I got a message back from him: 'Allright ;) but some, humble young men still wait for the woman to arrive. ;) See you in a minute.' Though I sat down in my car I felt my legs shaking a bit. So he truly is a gentleman, was what I thought. I went to the bank in a hurry and finally parked my car on the big square. Got another text from him: 'The high blue car is mine, though he's dirty in between from the appreciate farmers, but still... :/' I looked around but couldn't see a blue car. When I started walking I noticed a very high blue car. It was a Citroen, a car just a bit smaller than mine. Though I actually expected a more fancy car from him I texted 'A Citroen?' and got answered right away 'Nope, Subaru.' While I was reading this message I looked down my left side and saw another blue car, sure this was it. A fancy blue sportscar. Well, fancy... you know, I don't like it that much, but it totally fitted his personality. He got out of his car and we kissed each other.
I apologized for thinking he was driving the Citroen but said that his car was a little lower and I didn't see that between the other cars. He was tall, handsome, looked good, smelled good, was galant and genlte. He leaded the way, held the door open for me, gave me the seat, I was allready blown away. Seriously. Everything became SO very clear to me! This was the kind of man I'm looking for, I only didn't realize there were still young men like him alive. I felt so glorious. The girl at the restaurant was very friendly as usal and gave us the menu. Y. was doubting his choice and asked me if I knew that one plate was good? I answered that a friend of mine always took it and finds it delightful. So he chose that. He asked if I wanted to drink wine. When I answered that I don't drink alcohol at all he was clearly surprised. I told him that he shouldn't look at me and drink wine if he wanted to. And he said: 'No not at all! I'm strive to drink no alcohol, I will follow you! Shall we share a bottle of sparkling water instead?' I agreed. We ordered and then we started talking. I actually wanted to listen more than I should've been talking, but he started with 'So, you dance?!'. I told him about it and asked him out about his work after that. It was SUCH a pleasure to listen to him! His voice was so soft and strong at the same time! We talked about holidays, life, everyday stuff, circus, cirque du soleil ... we never had an akward silent moment. And I think I can say that we both talked and listened equal.
The food was delicious, but because I still felt a little sick I didn't ate that much. I was also too busy with looking and listening to him. Time passed away and I was sure that this was the best date I have ever had! We we're joking, smiling, laughing, talked about more serious stuff. He asked the bill and refused to let me pay a part. He asked if I ate the mints that we're given. He gave me his too. You can have it. We also got a little chocolate. He opened his and threw away the paper, while I was reading the 'Did you knew' on the inside. He didn't knew and opened his paper again after I told that.
When we walked out the restaurant he again held the door for me. We walked side by side while we we're still talking and we walked to his car. He asked where my car was. I answered mine was a bit further in the row and very polite he asked if it was okay he'ld walk me there. 'That would be lovely' I answered. I was impressed! How many guys still do that? This is the FIRST one in my life who ever asked that to me! He saw my glasses and the golden medaille from dreambootcamp in my car. I said that I also do competitions with bellydance. He was impressed. I was flattered. We gave each other a kiss and he said to me that we'ld be texting and hearing each other again soon.
I got in my car and freaked out a little. I screamed and found a smile far, far behind my ears. When I got back home I took my phone and wrote him this: 'Many thanks for this very pleasant night! Safe travels. x' I got answer right away (which means he drives and texts at the same time :/ ). 'You're most welcome. You too! Could not happend on my own! x'. I answered once again with 'Yes, that's true :)' and went to bed.
I was happy like a puppy and couldn't sleep. I was wide awake and though it was night I've checked my phone every waking hour.
This was the best date I have ever had! That was the only think I could think. The best that I have ever had!
I sing. In class, in the shower, in my car. In fact I sing almost everywhere at any time. Unless I'm sad. Today I had for the first time ever a serious anxiety attack. I hitted on me and got me. I was clearly overstressed, my heart pumped like crazy, the adrenaline rushed through my veins but still didn't make me able to think clear, I had trouble breathing and cried.
I could no longer sing. On those moments I wish there was someone's who knows the songs in my heart and could sing them to me for I can not remind the lyrics. Or even just whispering would be fine too! But there was no singing or whispering.
Oh, what I would do to cry and bury my face into the chest of a loving, caring man who would soothe me to sleep and say I'll be okay. That the only thing I need to do right now is breath slowly and let go of the sorrow while I can be sure I won't fall because he's holding me tight and won't let me go before he knows I'll be fine again. Before he knows I've found the words again to start singing the songs in my heart.
Tonight I go early to bed. Trying to breath slowly and ease my rushing heart a bit. And I'll stare at the empty side of the bed... Wondering about what he would say to me when he would lay there. <3
I had a fabulous summer! I'm serious. The best ever I guess. Though it was also quite emotional in every kind of way you could imagine. Here's the thing: for the first time EVER I went on a holiday, all by myself. It took me a lot of courage to finally book my ticket, to pack my bag, to get onto the train and even more, to get out of it when it eventually arrived in London. I felt so little, but also brave, because I did this and I did it all by myself.
Beeing in London was amazing, I can not even describe in words how fantastic it was! Despite what I thought I haven't felt a moment alone. Uncomfortable? Yes! But I figured it all out. I went to flying trapeze classes organised by Gorilla Circus in Regent's Park. I flew! I had the time of my life. And yet I can still say it over and over again and keep on writing pages about how great everything was, coming back to Belgium was something different.
When I arrived in Brussels I saw that the men were not wearing nice suits but jeans instead. Oh man, how I adore men in suits... Back home I had to start doing the laundry, cleaning, ... No more 'breathing time'. I just had to rush from one thing to another and I only felt (and still feel) miserable. After a few days going on like that I decided I would not be able to keep up with that without loosing myself completely. But, but, but. I have no idea where to start nor what to do. I don't even know anymore what I want in life? Maybe even who I am? It's confusing.
After bursting out into tears on every possible moment I let go by now. Sometimes it's okay to be not okay. I'm planning a new trip to London to soothe my heart. I have awesome photoshoot-projects coming up, I ordered pictures from my Princess photoshoot erlier this summer, I'm no longer waiting on the barman to text me to go out and have dinner, I'm planning my first real burlesque class, ... And between all of that the only thing I HAVE TO DO is breathing. One breath, than another. Everything else will follow on it's time. Because this is not the end of me. :')
