I'm chatting with one of my friends. She asks how I'm doing and what I'm up to. I tell her about my Amaluna tickets from Cirque Du SOleil. I also told her that many people I know are suggesting I should ask them out. But the ugly truth is that when I bought these tickets, I bought two. I was saying to myself: By that time you will allready have a boyfriend. I imagined Amaluna as a perfect night out. Handsome fella came over to my place with a fancy car to pick me up, have a gorgeous night out together, guy brings me back home.
None of that is about to happen. My friend tells me to look for an escort. Just a handsome guy who knows what it's like to look after a girl and have a pleasant night out with. Though I had the feeling that I failed in life I went to my friend Google and saw my fingers typing male escort. Well, they're expensive. And not 'round my age, it would have been nice to find a good looking younger man. While shutting my computer down I thought about what I could do with all that money if I was an escort.
We're busy with cardiology at school. It's super interesting to finally be able to understand different rhythms and the different parts of the heart pumpin'. We got to make ECG's from each other. So, one after another we pulled out our T-shirts to lay down on the bed. We were all fine, it was fun! So much more respectfull than in a hospital, unfortunetly. I laughed my ass off while 2 of my collegues were looking for and caunting my ribs. Everything was set up and ready. The teacher pushed the 'start' button and my ECK came rolling out. A paper with my heartbeats on it. Completely regular, with a perfect P-QRS-T complex, yet so unique, my own heartbeats...
It's decided! I'm going to do a nude photoshoot. * HYPERVENTILATING*RUNNING CIRCLES*SCREAMING*FREAKING OUT* Okay, once again: I'm going to do A NUDE PHOTOSHOOT. From now on I'll try to breath normal and stop screaming. But I'm SO EXCITED. I mean, so excited. This is one of the things I really wanted to do for a long time, but I never took the step, because of... yes! Fear! It still scares the crap out of me but this time I'll push through.
In the end, I have to learn there's nothing wrong with nudity, or nude photography. If it's done by an artist, I'm not talking about cheap nude photos. I'm vulnerable and that's want I want to show myself in these photos. Though it will be quite a big lesson this time. Sometimes (most of the time) I'm ashamed to be naked and I'm completely uncomfortable with beeing sexy. Let alone pose sexy on a set.
So, here's my plan. I made two Pinterest Boards to show my photographer. So he'll have an idea of what kind of style I like. I've made a nude board and a boudoir board. The nude board is completely nude, but all classy! The boudoir board is way more sexy in some kind of way! Intentionally, I thought to use the lingerie/boudoir shoot if I should get cold feet and don't dare to go all naked. But at this point I'm not sure anymore, because the boudoir will ask a lot more sexy acting and doing.
Anyway, I'll bring EVERYTHING - sorry, everything - to the studio and let me be guided by the very professional photographer who said he did really like my style.
My make-up will be very basic, my hair just brushed and the rest will be naked truth. And you know what? I just can't wait to see myself through the eyes and camera of someone else.
At the first day of school I helped to hand out everyone their books. I got the last pack of books and today in class, it turned out it was a complete different version, so I couldn't really follow and take notes as I should.
On my way to the secretary I saw two of my favourite teachers. They just arrived at school and I gave them my most glorious and warm welcome as I always do. They smiled and walked on. 'I like to call her my sunflower.' said one teacher to the other. 'She always looks so pretty and bright with her eyes smiling and warm... Yeah, she's my sunflower.' 'Yes, that's true', said the other teacher while I heard their voices fading away into the teachers room.
Words are important to me. I always strive to use the right words and words that sound both positive and magical. I always get chills down my spine when somebody speaks to me with the right words too, or words that I really love!
If you want to wish someone good luck there are twee sayings. 'Best of luck' and 'All the best'. I've heard that you should use the first one if you're saying it to someone younger than you and the second one to someone older than you.
Y. is one year older as I am. Today he had an important day in court. This morning I've texted him 'Best of luck', because he doesn't deserve the right 'All the best'. Could have meant anything. Best of luck in court, in his office, in his life, on his travels, on his search for the right partner in his life, ... Few minutes later he answered: 'Thx :D'.
You're an ass Y, an ass! That was rude and you know it.
Anyway. Now I'll be switching on my television to watch the news. I'm pretty sure this handsome loyer will appear in a pretty suit and his smooth face. That'll be the last time I see him. After that he don't deserve my time or energy anymore.
I woke up at 5 am this morning. I wanted to turn around and sleep some more, but I decided to get up. I did the superman (read: superwoman) pose for 5 minutes and went to the bathroom. My running clothes have their own space all together, 'cause that makes it easy when I want to leave fast for a run. 2 minutes later I closed the front door of my house after me and faced the darkness of what is called 'night'.
Placing one foot in front of the other, over and over again, for about 6 kilometres! I was mad, even furious, I admit it. It made me ran fast and longer. Faster and longer than I normally can. It took about half of the run to empty my head and still my mind. I ran in total darkness and felt small but strong at the same time for doing this.
You know, the road doesn't ask silly questions. It's just there to steady me. No matter how dark it is, how fast or slow I go. Even if my body decided to fall, I know it's there, the road. So I ran on even when I saw nothing anymore and the trees felt like shadows of cruel monsters. I ran on.
Because when the train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. What this means in my life is that I trust in God and that I'll give love one more try, always one more try.
PS: Yesterday, late night, I did found the song! It did what it had to do! <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBzcOUOY5YY
