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| The adventure of girl finding a man! |
| And everything that happens in between. |
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| 12-04-2016 |
 SCARED TO DEATH |
It's kinda hard to explain but it IS just how I feel at the moment. And to be honest, last few weeks. But the last week has been the worst of all! My heart goes crazy, breathing hurts, I can't speak by times 'cause my throat is completely blocked. Yes, by fear. Well, if you've never been SO afraid, I can't explain it. But for me it feels as it's the only thing in the world. My world. It's completely overwhelming.
Now, where this fear is coming from. I asked a choreographer a few months ago if he wanted to work on a solo project with me. (I want to dance out ALL of the violence which is done against me) I was glad he said yes. (It took me about 1000 tries to finally hit 'SEND' 'cause I was too afraid for his answer, thinking he would reject it, but he didn't.) We've set dates and I told him that I wanted to pay him advance because otherwise I might not show up or find excuses. And yet, last week, my courage sank into my shoes and I opened a message to him. I was thinking on what I could write to say I wouldn't have go to class. The most easy thing was to write that I have 4 bruised ribs. And you know, that not even a lie but as soon as I realized what I wrote him before I didn't even send this anymore. I felt busted by myself!! So, tomorrow is my first class and I'm stuck. I have no idea which way to go. I still didn't decide which music I should use! The madness! I have a list of about 10 songs and I just can't decide which one I'll use 'cause I'm even too afraid that I'll choose the 'wrong' piece of music. Maybe I'll list the names of the song just to bring clarity in my brain. Hope I can choose one. I still need to buy it and even let my teacher know. (I'm terrified to text him!!) I mean my class is like in less than 24 hours!!
Options:
- This is what it feels like - Eva Blom
- Wake me up - Madilyn Bailey
- Use somebody - Laura Janssen
- Nirvana (acoustic version) - Sam Smith
- Let it go - James Bay
- Love in the dark - Adele
- Things you've never done - Passenger
I knew that I would get cold feet so I thought I prepared myself good enough. I wrote him a letter with *everything* in it, just to not have to say something. 'Cause when the fear takes over, le me is collapsing and I can't bring out words anymore.. And I allready told him about this letter and of course I told him that I wouldn't give it to him if he didn't knew about it. Why am I doing this to myself? I'm cheeting on myself in every single way! I'm mad!!
So I wrote him what I want:
I want to dance my heart out. The darkness and it's dark voices that have settled in me, will always be a part of who I am. But this time I wnt to be stronger. I want to be able to translate the pain I've been hinding and running away from into a universal language without having to explain it. This is the last time I'll be going though all of this pain again in order to be able to let it out. I want to be able to use this in de future, whenever I feel this darkness rising, I'll dance it out. Because from now on I will always be more than the girl I used to be or who I ever was.
And I wrote why I want this:
For my whole life I believed I was nothing, no one, ugly, unable, ... I was all the darkness. I've been fighting all along, sometimes I'm still fighting :( I survived ALL the things. I even survived myself at my worst. But that doesn't mean it didn't had an impact on me. I know that these pieces of darkness will always be a part of me, but i don't want to BE the darkness anymore. I want to be able to step out of it, into the light. Nothing or no one from the past should still be able to control me an/or my life. I want to proove myself that fear can't hold me back (anymore), that I can do anything regardless of what happened before, weight, looks, ... I know I'll have to go through the pain to heal it, but that doesn't mean I'm not afraid to do so. 'Cause to be honest; it scares the crap out of me. Ever since the day I decided to finally do this.
And than I wrote down everything that scares me about this:
- I fear the fear
- I'm scared that my fear will paralyze me
- I'm scared that you might think the weight of this is too heavy and stop this before it's finished
- I'm scared that you will see me as a victim and no longer as the person I became, the woman I am today
- I'm scared that you will treat me as a victim
- I'm scared that I won't do it good enough
- I'm scared of my own darkness and having to face it
- I'm scared to fall back into panick attacks, nightmares, ...
- I'm scared to not have 'the right' music
- I'm scared that I won't be good enough
- I'm scared of seeing myself struggling
All of this followed by 2 pages with all the violence that had and some of them still have the biggest impact on me/my life. Also, while I was listing these fears here, I just realised there are tho more!
-I'm scared TO DEATH to give this letter to him and even face him. He looks like a picture perfect and he dances soft and smooth and when I'm trying something.. Well it looks goofy and clumpsy!
-I'm scared I will be so scared that I will cut off my feelings and dissociate. That I will just do whatever he says, without FEELING anything because I'm too afraid. And I'm afraid that he won't recognize that in me.
I do have trouble breathing and I have to swallow ALL the tears. I'm so insecure and I honestly don't know what to do. I have to pick a piece of music but the fear is so real and big and surrounding that I can't decide! How can you have a danceclass without a piece of music?! I don't know how to face him!! This fear makes me feel so ashamed. This is the reason why I have to write all of this down. I just can't face anyone. My teacher is still young. And I'm afraid that this is too heavy for him, that he'll quit. But I also do know, no matter how terrified I feel and am, no matter how lost and broken I feel, that I'll have to go through. I've been readings so many articles about fear and how to function with it. This morning I've read something beautiful! The writer said that you CAN face your fears if you have a friend or coach near you that create a safe environment to let you be. She wrote the importance that they make you feel worhty and vulnerable again. But THAT again is a problem. 'Cause we don't know each other that good I guess.
Well, I think this storm of fear will rage on all night and tomorrow. I will now only try to manage my tears and fears and breaths. I still don't know about the music. :( I just can't explain how difficult this is for me... I'm so sorry.
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