I used to think - MY WHOLE LIFE!!! - if I'l please ALL the people they would love me in return. Funny enough it took me 26 years, 1 month and 1 day to realize I should only please myself. 'Cause when I please me, I love me. And when I love myself SO much, the love in and around me will be so plentiful it'll atract the right kind of people.
So from on, I'm pleasing no one else except myself, for love! <3
After I wrote my (third!!!) letter to A today, I felt so sick from a headache that I went to bed for a little nap. I fell asleep pretty quick and when I woke up I remembered very detailed what I had dreamed of. I wrote it down to not forget it. We were Wedneysday, the day we'd have our second class for this solo project. I was in the studio first and put the letter I wrote to him on the stero. I went sitting in the corner again till he came in. He saw the letter, opened and read it. He thanked me for being open and honest and than said we were going to do things a bit different. He said we should first work on my fears and insecurities and afterwards go on with the initial technical piece. So we'd first had a breakdown to be able to rebuild again after it. I had no idea what to expect because I didn't knew he was going to change the subject.
We did a bit of a warm-up but than it all started to happen. He told me he'd be my base and partner in this dance and that we should started to work on my trust. I got blindfolded and had to trust him in whatever he was going to do. I just had to be and let myself be exposed to my fear. He told me he would move me and touch me for as long he thought it would be neccesary. I felt like I was dying. So I stood there in the middle of the studio floor. Blindfold, crying being scared to death. A. didn't mind and pushed through the fear. All my muscles were cramped in the beginning, trying to resist his moves, move on my own and defend myself. But the longer I stood there, the more I felt a relieve! I could breathe again and my muscles didn't feel so tight anymore. Somehow this was HORRIBLE but it worked! This was my first teeny tiny little mousy step into trust. He took of my blindfold and we started making a choreography with touching and partnerring.
I kinda woke up after that or stopped dreaming, so I can't remember what happened or what would've happened. But I realized that Exposure might be not such a bad therapy. After my dream I was even a bit pissed that this didn't happen in real life 'cause I FELT the pain! But you know what was great? He decided to change the subject of this class without me noticing. So I didn't had weeks or days to suffer away 'cause the fear for the fear would take me over.
You know, I have this crazy thing with touches. I LOVE touches but I'm afraid of it too. When somebody I trust touches me I feel worthy and loved and vulnerable. Like a hand on your shoulder or back, or a real tight hug, someone who plays gentle with your hair... THAT truly makes me feel as I do belong. That was the very same thing in this dream: I was blindfold and had no idea where A was going to touch me or when and for how long, that made me crazy and scared. But I got used to it, didn't mind the fear anymore and everything changed.
So, after having this dream I realized for myself that I want to do something with a man. You know, I'm sick and tired of finding a boyfriend, so that doens't matter anymore. I'm just going to try to find a man who wants to do this with me. Ahum. Guess it'll be quite a difficult surch too 'cause I have no idea who'd ever want to do so. And also; I want a man who takes this serious! Not just a random guy who want's to 'touch'. Well, I can't really explain, but it's worth giving it a try!
I had a date with this captain. It made me realise I don't want to settle for anything less than a REAL MAN!
'I want no ordinary lover. I want a fucking storm. I want sleepless nights and endless conversations at 4 am. I want passion, I want madnes. I want someone who's able to make my whole body shiver from a distance and also pull me close to make sense of all my bones.'
So, once again, I will never - ever settle for anything less than a real men. And after today, I even close the hunt. It's over. This captain was 'the last' one I had to see. But I'm fine. Through all the loneliness and missed touches and hugs, I'm quite happy.
I felt loved. And worthy. And vulnerable. I was. And I was finally able to take deep, relaxing breaths again. The fear slowly left my body. The water was warm and surrounding. The touches were soft yet she held me up in the water. There was a small distance but still she was close enough to never make me feel lonely.
I felt loved. Worthy. Vulnerable. Carried. I didn't had to think about how I had to exist, nor how to breath. I WAS. I was enough and I felt vulnerable. It's amazing what watsu and healing dance does to me! <3
I need loads of sleep in order to stay fit. 8 hours a night is perfect, but also long. Some nights I can only get about 6 hours which is way too short if I can't fall asleep right away. So I started to find out how to sleep the better way! :D It's quite funny in fact. There are so many tips and things written on how you should fall asleep fastest and best. So here's the prescription that seems to work best for me:
-A good bed (seems uhm, logical :P) -Do calm things before you go to sleep -Drink camomille tea or hot milk with honey -Use a small pillow -Wear no clothes except for sleeping socks to keep your feet warm -Don't overthink and let go (hardest one!)
You know, I feel a bit guilty that I go naked to my bed, but actually I love it! It's cold in the beginning, but ever since I'm using this list, I sleep WAY better! And when my hands lay down on my belly, skin to skin, I sometimes wonder and have to admit that this body is beautiful. :)
Gisteren was de denkbeeldige druppel. Ik had P nog steeds niet gehoord en had het intussen welletjes gevonden. Zo zei ik het tegen iedereen, terwijl ik vanbinnen nog steeds vurig hoopte op een berichtje van hem. Vanmorgen werd ik opnieuw wakker met het idee dat hij vannacht misschien had gestuurd, maar mijn gsm ontkende dat als mijn alarm af ging.
Het was een drukke dag vandaag. Lopen, jurk passen, berichtjes sturen, reflecteren en werken! Lang werken in de bakkerij. Toen ik thuiskwam maakte ik mezelf overheerlijke vegetarische risotto. Halfweg het recept wou ik kijken of mijn moeder me nog niet had gebeld en zei dat er een berichtje was aangekomen. Ik open mijn inbox en verslik me haast in mijn eigen speeksel als ik zie dat het van P is.
'Hey srry dat ik NT antwrde. Ma heb problemen gehad met sim kaart. Alvast goede feesten voor u en uzmw familie gewest voor 2016.'
Ik was in eerste instantie gelukkig dat hij blijkbaar toch nog eens aan mij dacht en me effectief een bericht stuurde hoewel ik helemaal geen idee heb wat ik hier moet op antwoorden.
Gisteren zag ik een collega van de dienst waar ik P leerde kennen. Blijkbaar hebben ze hem niet gespaard. Na de fuif en het verschijnen van de bijhorende foto's bleven ze hem bestoken met 'Hebben jullie gekust?', 'Heb je haar nog gehoord?', ... Ik kan me voorstellen dat dat voor iemand die wat verlegen aangelegd is geen cadeau is.
En nu? Nu ga ik mijn zelfgemaakte moelleux eten en hopen dat er in het smeltende hart van chocolade een antwoord schuilt. Iets wat ik P kan sturen.
For the first time in forever I'm having a second date! A second date!!! With P. The one I met in the hospital. I didn't heard him a lot last week because he clearly doesn't have a tight connection with his mobile, but tonight we'll meet at a bar after his work. I'm so glad!! :)
A little longer than two years ago I was talking with a female friend about R, a common male friend. We both agreed that he was a warm, positive and good man, but we also both concluded we'ld never be able to fall in love with him. In fact, that was even out of the question, because he had a girlfriend and they were happy together!
Yet I sit here today, mad in love with him. It took me quite some time to be able to admit that I actually fell for him because I can still hear myself saying that I could never fall in love with him. Looks like I did. :/ I'm very confused. First of all because I had to admit it to myself and second: he's still together with his girlfriend.
It hurts, because during the time we've spent together, it's not that I got to know him better, I got this remembrance of him like we've known each other before. I would love to talk to him about it. If he doesn't love me, that's fine, I even completely understand that! But hearing him say that out loud, would help me so much to get over it and move on. And yet, sometimes, his eyes, the way he looks at me, his smile, the way he knows me better than I sometimes do, ... It makes me wander sometimes if he'ld possibly 'remember' me too... I wander, because I can not open up to him about it. I would never take the risk to put his current relationship on doubts because of me. Because his happiness is after all the only thing that matters. He makes such a lovely friend too.
But still, everytime we're togheter and every time I think of him and also every single time I miss him, I wander...
'I don't know how it is you are so familiar to me- or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before- in another time, a different place- some other existence.'
Met nee zeggen heb ik al zowat mijn hele leven moeite. Hoewel ik er steeds beter begin in te worden en mezelf eindelijk wel eens op de eerste plaats durf te plaatsen. Het is een proces van groeien en eigenlijk doet me dat beseffen dat de mensen rondom mij me hierin positief ondersteunen. Dat is fijn.
Begin deze maand nam een danseres met dansschool die een show organiseert volgende week contact met me op voor een performance luchtacrobatiek. Een week later werden het twee performances in duo, of dat kon vroeg ze. Ik contacteerde mijn lieve luchtacropartner en ook zij zag het helemaal zitten. Ik vroeg bij de organisator regelmatig naar timing, veiligheid van de ophangpunten, verloop, muziek, ... Er werd telkens heel enthousiast gereageerd maar nooit verkreeg ik de gevraagde informatie.
Afgelopen vrijdag raapte ik al mijn moed bij elkaar om haar te sturen dat ik de performances niet kon laten doorgaan. Als we nu nog 2 stukken in elkaar moesten steken waarvan we nog steeds geen muziek hadden, laat staan veiligheidsvoorschriften, dat we het beter konden verplaatsen naar een latere show. Pas op zaterdagochtend kreeg ik voor het eerst antwoord van haar. DRINGEND. Ik moest dringend mijn facebook checken, want ze had me daar gestuurd. Op mijn email was intussen de muziek aangekomen. Ze schreef dat ze begreep dat ik de performance niet zou doen, maar dat ik toch diezelfde dag bij haar in het theater nog langs mocht gaan om de technische bespreking te doen. Ik schreef dat ik de performance niet zou doen. Ik kreeg antwoorden terug waarin ze schreef dat zij en de crew nu in de shit zitten, dat ze niet weten hoe ze het moeten oplossen, dat het jammer is dat ik 1 week voor datum het optreden annuleer.
Elke keer na zo'n bericht deed ik een beetje afstand om terug op adem te komen omdat ik me letterlijk schuldig voel. Ik ben diegene die haar show om zeep hebt, door mij zit zij, haar hele crew en al haar dansers met een gigantisch probleem, want de tijd dat onze nummers zouden duren konden zij zich omkleden.
Vandaag kreeg ik weer zo'n berichten. Zo inspelend op mijn moraal dat ik alleen maar kon huilen om wat 'ik hen aandeed'. In mijn hoofd had in na haar laatste sms toegegeven aan haar en haar emotionele chantage. Mijn broer zag me en reageerde fel. Hij zou haar opbellen, maar dat wou ik niet. Omdat ze me dan precies heeft waar ze wil; in een hoekje, klein en bang. Dus haalde ik opnieuw diep adem en verstuurde haar het bericht dat ik het niet doe. En nu heb ik het hoofdstuk voor mezelf afgesloten.
Ik heb al vaker shows georganiseerd en heb nog nooit iemand later dan een week voor datum zulke cruciale info gegeven. Ja, ze heeft een grote naam, de halve stad zo ongeveer ligt aan haar voeten en ze doet ook nog aan politiek. Ik hoop vooral dat ze het probleem niet verschuift en aan de hele wereld laat weten dat IK de beuzak ben.
Langs de andere kant zal ik trots zijn op mezelf dat ik eindelijk voet bij stuk heb gehouden. Maar het is toch wat emotionele chantage. Mijn hart gaat uit naar alle mensen die op deze manier gevangen zijn in een relatie!
At my internship there's a nurse and she's having a Cirque Du Soleil's Varekai mug! There are arty letters on it saying 'Fall in love' I asked if she saw the show and she said yes. I know there's a tripple trapeze act in the show, I saw it many times on Youtube. Though I was checking the site very regular, I've never found a show nearby. Until now!
Shazaam! Yesterday was Amaluna, in Brussels. In the end, I decided to take my brother with me. He wanted to drive and made great company! We both loved the show! When I was buying the music CD from Varekai, I saw a flyer! Varekai is coming to Belgium, Antwerp, in March 2016. But there'll be only 8 shows. As a Cirque Member I got entrance to the presale and I just bought my tickets. 2 pieces of course, because I think I might have found the one by then...
Some things will never changes, like me, hoping high! :)
One of my Facebookfriends, a photographer posted pictures in an album named 'Viking Run'. I saw people running and climbing completely covered in mud! Winsome to look at!! I asked my friend Google all out about 'Viking Run' and found out there's this organisation called 'Strong Viking Run'. Few runs a year in defferent themes as water, hills, mud and brother edition. All of these runs are in 7, 13 or 19 km. They all have challenging obstacles in them where you sure as hell will need some hardcore muscles! Survival run at it's best. Just how I love it. I decided to train harder and do this. Because I believe I can do so. I am and will be strong enough! The next mud edition is in Ghent, April 23, 2016. I'll be soaked and covered with mud too but I'm SOOOOO thrilled to get started!! Tomorrow night I'll buy my lightning ticket for my first 7 km survival run. Just because I CAN!!
We're busy with cardiology at school. It's super interesting to finally be able to understand different rhythms and the different parts of the heart pumpin'. We got to make ECG's from each other. So, one after another we pulled out our T-shirts to lay down on the bed. We were all fine, it was fun! So much more respectfull than in a hospital, unfortunetly. I laughed my ass off while 2 of my collegues were looking for and caunting my ribs. Everything was set up and ready. The teacher pushed the 'start' button and my ECK came rolling out. A paper with my heartbeats on it. Completely regular, with a perfect P-QRS-T complex, yet so unique, my own heartbeats...
At the first day of school I helped to hand out everyone their books. I got the last pack of books and today in class, it turned out it was a complete different version, so I couldn't really follow and take notes as I should.
On my way to the secretary I saw two of my favourite teachers. They just arrived at school and I gave them my most glorious and warm welcome as I always do. They smiled and walked on. 'I like to call her my sunflower.' said one teacher to the other. 'She always looks so pretty and bright with her eyes smiling and warm... Yeah, she's my sunflower.' 'Yes, that's true', said the other teacher while I heard their voices fading away into the teachers room.
I woke up at 5 am this morning. I wanted to turn around and sleep some more, but I decided to get up. I did the superman (read: superwoman) pose for 5 minutes and went to the bathroom. My running clothes have their own space all together, 'cause that makes it easy when I want to leave fast for a run. 2 minutes later I closed the front door of my house after me and faced the darkness of what is called 'night'.
Placing one foot in front of the other, over and over again, for about 6 kilometres! I was mad, even furious, I admit it. It made me ran fast and longer. Faster and longer than I normally can. It took about half of the run to empty my head and still my mind. I ran in total darkness and felt small but strong at the same time for doing this.
You know, the road doesn't ask silly questions. It's just there to steady me. No matter how dark it is, how fast or slow I go. Even if my body decided to fall, I know it's there, the road. So I ran on even when I saw nothing anymore and the trees felt like shadows of cruel monsters. I ran on.
Because when the train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. What this means in my life is that I trust in God and that I'll give love one more try, always one more try.
PS: Yesterday, late night, I did found the song! It did what it had to do! <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBzcOUOY5YY
