After I wrote my (third!!!) letter to A today, I felt so sick from a headache that I went to bed for a little nap. I fell asleep pretty quick and when I woke up I remembered very detailed what I had dreamed of. I wrote it down to not forget it. We were Wedneysday, the day we'd have our second class for this solo project. I was in the studio first and put the letter I wrote to him on the stero. I went sitting in the corner again till he came in. He saw the letter, opened and read it. He thanked me for being open and honest and than said we were going to do things a bit different. He said we should first work on my fears and insecurities and afterwards go on with the initial technical piece. So we'd first had a breakdown to be able to rebuild again after it. I had no idea what to expect because I didn't knew he was going to change the subject.
We did a bit of a warm-up but than it all started to happen. He told me he'd be my base and partner in this dance and that we should started to work on my trust. I got blindfolded and had to trust him in whatever he was going to do. I just had to be and let myself be exposed to my fear. He told me he would move me and touch me for as long he thought it would be neccesary. I felt like I was dying. So I stood there in the middle of the studio floor. Blindfold, crying being scared to death. A. didn't mind and pushed through the fear. All my muscles were cramped in the beginning, trying to resist his moves, move on my own and defend myself. But the longer I stood there, the more I felt a relieve! I could breathe again and my muscles didn't feel so tight anymore. Somehow this was HORRIBLE but it worked! This was my first teeny tiny little mousy step into trust. He took of my blindfold and we started making a choreography with touching and partnerring.
I kinda woke up after that or stopped dreaming, so I can't remember what happened or what would've happened. But I realized that Exposure might be not such a bad therapy. After my dream I was even a bit pissed that this didn't happen in real life 'cause I FELT the pain! But you know what was great? He decided to change the subject of this class without me noticing. So I didn't had weeks or days to suffer away 'cause the fear for the fear would take me over.
You know, I have this crazy thing with touches. I LOVE touches but I'm afraid of it too. When somebody I trust touches me I feel worthy and loved and vulnerable. Like a hand on your shoulder or back, or a real tight hug, someone who plays gentle with your hair... THAT truly makes me feel as I do belong. That was the very same thing in this dream: I was blindfold and had no idea where A was going to touch me or when and for how long, that made me crazy and scared. But I got used to it, didn't mind the fear anymore and everything changed.
So, after having this dream I realized for myself that I want to do something with a man. You know, I'm sick and tired of finding a boyfriend, so that doens't matter anymore. I'm just going to try to find a man who wants to do this with me. Ahum. Guess it'll be quite a difficult surch too 'cause I have no idea who'd ever want to do so. And also; I want a man who takes this serious! Not just a random guy who want's to 'touch'. Well, I can't really explain, but it's worth giving it a try!
I had a date with this captain. It made me realise I don't want to settle for anything less than a REAL MAN!
'I want no ordinary lover. I want a fucking storm. I want sleepless nights and endless conversations at 4 am. I want passion, I want madnes. I want someone who's able to make my whole body shiver from a distance and also pull me close to make sense of all my bones.'
So, once again, I will never - ever settle for anything less than a real men. And after today, I even close the hunt. It's over. This captain was 'the last' one I had to see. But I'm fine. Through all the loneliness and missed touches and hugs, I'm quite happy.
The ones who knew about my dance-project with A. asked me after class how it went. To be honest; I could NOT answer. It took me some time to let it all in... I had a bad night from Tuesday to Wednesday. I was exhausted when I woke up, but gathered myself together and went to school. The first two hours were destracting enough; we had to make an overvieuw of different surgery's. But then we had a class about dysfunction in sexuality. We've had more classes about that theme so I thought I'd be fine, but than our teacher gave us a little groupwork: we had to do a little play while explaining sexual dysfunctions. I texted an 'I can't do this' message to R. who was sitting next to me and knew about the situation. He looked at me, laughed and said we'd be fine. I realised he didn't link my rape and fears with this class. So I ran out the class, crying, alone and completely messed up.
I got the permission to leave school. The secretary went to the class and explained my absence by saying I felt unwell. I thought no one would've believed that. I thought, as almost-nurses-in-mental-healtcare, they'd link the class and it's topic and my behavior. But they didn't. (It was weird to come back to class the day after. They were all asking if I felt better, so I kept up the lie. Though it made me feel bad on the inside, I just hoped someone saw through it all.) I ran out of school crying and drove to my mother's home. I finished my schedules where we worked on earlier in class to destract myself again. 'Cause the fear was in me again and taking me over again. So I tried to function as best as I could.
I remember that I've left her house and got into my car to drive to Ghent. And the next thing I remember was arriving there. I can't remember HOW or WHAT I felt. Guess I'd shut down my feelings. I went into the studio-complex and still didn't hear A. when I checked my phone before I went in the studio. I sat down on the studio floor is a safe corner and started to write. I was convinced that A wouldn't show up. So I promised myself to wait 15 minutes, write that time and than close the door and leave the studio. 2 am passed and A wasn't there. I wrote some more and by the time I wanted to finish and leave he came in. I was shocked. I felt so busted. I secretly hoped that he'd forgot about it. But he didn't. We were chatting a bit - I was bloody nervous. He said he had an unpleasant feeling earlier that day at school when he had to attend a movement class. He didn't wanted to do it, but his teacher encouraged him and he did it anyway. He said that he felt so much better after that class and that it made up his mind once again that dance is for him te nicest thing in the world. He made me smile somehow. You know, A is such a rare but gorgeous person. He's so pure and real. He is so passionate about the things he does. It's an honor to get some of his precious time.
So, he started his explanation that we were going to have a good warm up, do some technique and than start working on the choreo. He also added: 'have fun!'. That moment I realised we weren't going to 'work' with my fears and insecurities. It took me some time to let it o but from the moment I could, I DID enjoy it. I had fun! The level was high though. He made me do a lot of hardcore ballet technique. Beside him I felt goofy though I liked doing it and pushing myself too. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror so I looked at his legs and try to feel how high mine were. I've missed ballet all along. It was hard, but I didn't gave in (guess that's where the muscle soreness is coming from! :O ). I was surprised (read: shocked) when he showed me pieces of the choreography. I noticed it had a super technical high level. I mean, he's been doing this for his entire life! And I'm just.. well, you know! I tried to do everything he asked and I felt fun. I had fun doing this piece. I kinda worked my ass off! In the end I recorded it, just to be able to remember it for next week. When I came home, I didn't dare to look at it. I just mailed it to A. After a while, I did took a sneak peak. The first thing I noticed was that we were synchrone most of the time!
Well, I also realised that this wasn't the plan. And I still have ALL my fears and insecurities I wanted to dance out, IN me. So than I was thinking I should shift the idea a bit and maybe keep working on this piece to proove (myself) that you don't have to be superskinny or a model to dance modern/ballet/contemporary, to show that I CAN do this. But it also made me think and question what I should do with the fears that are still there. I wrote 2 letters to A before. I handed none of them to him. Off course he CAN'T know what's going on if I don't say anything. But I just can't. And than I found these words from dancer and writer Ish: 'De woorden die je niet durft uit te spreken zijn meestal de belangrijkste.' And I felt busted and caught, once again...
I felt loved. And worthy. And vulnerable. I was. And I was finally able to take deep, relaxing breaths again. The fear slowly left my body. The water was warm and surrounding. The touches were soft yet she held me up in the water. There was a small distance but still she was close enough to never make me feel lonely.
I felt loved. Worthy. Vulnerable. Carried. I didn't had to think about how I had to exist, nor how to breath. I WAS. I was enough and I felt vulnerable. It's amazing what watsu and healing dance does to me! <3
It's hard. I have no idea how to be anymore. I had such a horrible night, I'm exhausted. I don't know how to eat, how to write, how to breathe, how to be.
It's kinda hard to explain but it IS just how I feel at the moment. And to be honest, last few weeks. But the last week has been the worst of all! My heart goes crazy, breathing hurts, I can't speak by times 'cause my throat is completely blocked. Yes, by fear. Well, if you've never been SO afraid, I can't explain it. But for me it feels as it's the only thing in the world. My world. It's completely overwhelming.
Now, where this fear is coming from. I asked a choreographer a few months ago if he wanted to work on a solo project with me. (I want to dance out ALL of the violence which is done against me) I was glad he said yes. (It took me about 1000 tries to finally hit 'SEND' 'cause I was too afraid for his answer, thinking he would reject it, but he didn't.) We've set dates and I told him that I wanted to pay him advance because otherwise I might not show up or find excuses. And yet, last week, my courage sank into my shoes and I opened a message to him. I was thinking on what I could write to say I wouldn't have go to class. The most easy thing was to write that I have 4 bruised ribs. And you know, that not even a lie but as soon as I realized what I wrote him before I didn't even send this anymore. I felt busted by myself!! So, tomorrow is my first class and I'm stuck. I have no idea which way to go. I still didn't decide which music I should use! The madness! I have a list of about 10 songs and I just can't decide which one I'll use 'cause I'm even too afraid that I'll choose the 'wrong' piece of music. Maybe I'll list the names of the song just to bring clarity in my brain. Hope I can choose one. I still need to buy it and even let my teacher know. (I'm terrified to text him!!) I mean my class is like in less than 24 hours!!
Options: - This is what it feels like - Eva Blom - Wake me up - Madilyn Bailey - Use somebody - Laura Janssen - Nirvana (acoustic version) - Sam Smith - Let it go - James Bay - Love in the dark - Adele - Things you've never done - Passenger
I knew that I would get cold feet so I thought I prepared myself good enough. I wrote him a letter with *everything* in it, just to not have to say something. 'Cause when the fear takes over, le me is collapsing and I can't bring out words anymore.. And I allready told him about this letter and of course I told him that I wouldn't give it to him if he didn't knew about it. Why am I doing this to myself? I'm cheeting on myself in every single way! I'm mad!!
So I wrote him what I want: I want to dance my heart out. The darkness and it's dark voices that have settled in me, will always be a part of who I am. But this time I wnt to be stronger. I want to be able to translate the pain I've been hinding and running away from into a universal language without having to explain it. This is the last time I'll be going though all of this pain again in order to be able to let it out. I want to be able to use this in de future, whenever I feel this darkness rising, I'll dance it out. Because from now on I will always be more than the girl I used to be or who I ever was.
And I wrote why I want this: For my whole life I believed I was nothing, no one, ugly, unable, ... I was all the darkness. I've been fighting all along, sometimes I'm still fighting :( I survived ALL the things. I even survived myself at my worst. But that doesn't mean it didn't had an impact on me. I know that these pieces of darkness will always be a part of me, but i don't want to BE the darkness anymore. I want to be able to step out of it, into the light. Nothing or no one from the past should still be able to control me an/or my life. I want to proove myself that fear can't hold me back (anymore), that I can do anything regardless of what happened before, weight, looks, ... I know I'll have to go through the pain to heal it, but that doesn't mean I'm not afraid to do so. 'Cause to be honest; it scares the crap out of me. Ever since the day I decided to finally do this.
And than I wrote down everything that scares me about this: - I fear the fear - I'm scared that my fear will paralyze me - I'm scared that you might think the weight of this is too heavy and stop this before it's finished - I'm scared that you will see me as a victim and no longer as the person I became, the woman I am today - I'm scared that you will treat me as a victim - I'm scared that I won't do it good enough - I'm scared of my own darkness and having to face it - I'm scared to fall back into panick attacks, nightmares, ... - I'm scared to not have 'the right' music - I'm scared that I won't be good enough - I'm scared of seeing myself struggling
All of this followed by 2 pages with all the violence that had and some of them still have the biggest impact on me/my life. Also, while I was listing these fears here, I just realised there are tho more! -I'm scared TO DEATH to give this letter to him and even face him. He looks like a picture perfect and he dances soft and smooth and when I'm trying something.. Well it looks goofy and clumpsy! -I'm scared I will be so scared that I will cut off my feelings and dissociate. That I will just do whatever he says, without FEELING anything because I'm too afraid. And I'm afraid that he won't recognize that in me.
I do have trouble breathing and I have to swallow ALL the tears. I'm so insecure and I honestly don't know what to do. I have to pick a piece of music but the fear is so real and big and surrounding that I can't decide! How can you have a danceclass without a piece of music?! I don't know how to face him!! This fear makes me feel so ashamed. This is the reason why I have to write all of this down. I just can't face anyone. My teacher is still young. And I'm afraid that this is too heavy for him, that he'll quit. But I also do know, no matter how terrified I feel and am, no matter how lost and broken I feel, that I'll have to go through. I've been readings so many articles about fear and how to function with it. This morning I've read something beautiful! The writer said that you CAN face your fears if you have a friend or coach near you that create a safe environment to let you be. She wrote the importance that they make you feel worhty and vulnerable again. But THAT again is a problem. 'Cause we don't know each other that good I guess.
Well, I think this storm of fear will rage on all night and tomorrow. I will now only try to manage my tears and fears and breaths. I still don't know about the music. :( I just can't explain how difficult this is for me... I'm so sorry.
