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| The adventure of girl finding a man! |
| And everything that happens in between. |
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| 15-04-2016 |
 Dance Class |
The ones who knew about my dance-project with A. asked me after class how it went. To be honest; I could NOT answer. It took me some time to let it all in... I had a bad night from Tuesday to Wednesday. I was exhausted when I woke up, but gathered myself together and went to school. The first two hours were destracting enough; we had to make an overvieuw of different surgery's. But then we had a class about dysfunction in sexuality. We've had more classes about that theme so I thought I'd be fine, but than our teacher gave us a little groupwork: we had to do a little play while explaining sexual dysfunctions. I texted an 'I can't do this' message to R. who was sitting next to me and knew about the situation. He looked at me, laughed and said we'd be fine. I realised he didn't link my rape and fears with this class. So I ran out the class, crying, alone and completely messed up.
I got the permission to leave school. The secretary went to the class and explained my absence by saying I felt unwell. I thought no one would've believed that. I thought, as almost-nurses-in-mental-healtcare, they'd link the class and it's topic and my behavior. But they didn't. (It was weird to come back to class the day after. They were all asking if I felt better, so I kept up the lie. Though it made me feel bad on the inside, I just hoped someone saw through it all.) I ran out of school crying and drove to my mother's home. I finished my schedules where we worked on earlier in class to destract myself again. 'Cause the fear was in me again and taking me over again. So I tried to function as best as I could.
I remember that I've left her house and got into my car to drive to Ghent. And the next thing I remember was arriving there. I can't remember HOW or WHAT I felt. Guess I'd shut down my feelings. I went into the studio-complex and still didn't hear A. when I checked my phone before I went in the studio. I sat down on the studio floor is a safe corner and started to write. I was convinced that A wouldn't show up. So I promised myself to wait 15 minutes, write that time and than close the door and leave the studio. 2 am passed and A wasn't there. I wrote some more and by the time I wanted to finish and leave he came in. I was shocked. I felt so busted. I secretly hoped that he'd forgot about it. But he didn't. We were chatting a bit - I was bloody nervous. He said he had an unpleasant feeling earlier that day at school when he had to attend a movement class. He didn't wanted to do it, but his teacher encouraged him and he did it anyway. He said that he felt so much better after that class and that it made up his mind once again that dance is for him te nicest thing in the world. He made me smile somehow. You know, A is such a rare but gorgeous person. He's so pure and real. He is so passionate about the things he does. It's an honor to get some of his precious time.
So, he started his explanation that we were going to have a good warm up, do some technique and than start working on the choreo. He also added: 'have fun!'. That moment I realised we weren't going to 'work' with my fears and insecurities. It took me some time to let it o but from the moment I could, I DID enjoy it. I had fun! The level was high though. He made me do a lot of hardcore ballet technique. Beside him I felt goofy though I liked doing it and pushing myself too. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror so I looked at his legs and try to feel how high mine were. I've missed ballet all along. It was hard, but I didn't gave in (guess that's where the muscle soreness is coming from! :O ). I was surprised (read: shocked) when he showed me pieces of the choreography. I noticed it had a super technical high level. I mean, he's been doing this for his entire life! And I'm just.. well, you know! I tried to do everything he asked and I felt fun. I had fun doing this piece. I kinda worked my ass off! In the end I recorded it, just to be able to remember it for next week. When I came home, I didn't dare to look at it. I just mailed it to A. After a while, I did took a sneak peak. The first thing I noticed was that we were synchrone most of the time!
Well, I also realised that this wasn't the plan. And I still have ALL my fears and insecurities I wanted to dance out, IN me. So than I was thinking I should shift the idea a bit and maybe keep working on this piece to proove (myself) that you don't have to be superskinny or a model to dance modern/ballet/contemporary, to show that I CAN do this. But it also made me think and question what I should do with the fears that are still there. I wrote 2 letters to A before. I handed none of them to him. Off course he CAN'T know what's going on if I don't say anything. But I just can't. And than I found these words from dancer and writer Ish: 'De woorden die je niet durft uit te spreken zijn meestal de belangrijkste.' And I felt busted and caught, once again...
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