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| The adventure of girl finding a man! |
| And everything that happens in between. |
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| 17-09-2015 |
 Mother Nature |
At this time, normally I'ld be standing in a huge dance studio teaching belly dance to some nice ladies. But mother nature changed that plan. I have canceled my class, although I didn't wanted too, I didn't felt good enough to teach a proper class. Also, before you continue reading; this might be the weirdest post you have ever read. I'm able to switch languages and talk about uhm... ALL the things at the same time. It might be a mess, which it maybe allready is, but I don't mind, because it's this gorgeous mess of chaos in my head too and I want to spit it out! So here I go.
This week has had a huge impact on me so far. It started on Sunday. While I was preparing dinner I saw all these black spots appear and collapsed. I went to bed early and I thought that 'ld be it. On Monday I felt it again on my way home after school. Went to bed, went to phsyiotherapist where I collapsed again. More collapsing on Tuesday and Wednesday and today, Thursday. Mother Nature is not my closest friend anymore at this time.
I've never been 'regular'. So my period appears when Mother Nature wants it too and how she wants it to. Mostly there are a few months in between. But when she arrives it's real business! Pain, hurts and major bleedings! Normally I'm able to catch up with it. I feel not as strong as usual but I manage to eat the good things to keep me strong. This time is worse! I can not tell the times that I have felt so bad! It awfull! I feel so weak I can not even do ONE pull up! I can not run 'cause I have no energy, and when Mother Nature decides to drop my blood pressure, this girl is going down. I've almost had it by now!
Today was a good day! I was happy this morning. I didn't felt like superwoman, but I was okay. When I go from sitting to standing I have to watch myself, but I managed! It was in the last classes it all went wrong again. It was quite warm in the class and not too much oxygen. I had some trouble breathing and every now and then I felt my heart loud and clear pumping in my chest. It was about one hour and a half more to go before this schoolday was over. The teacher played a little movie about something from the heart. I could not focus. At all. My hands started to shake and cramp, I had the feeling my lungs didn't get enough oxygen and my heart was unstoppable chasing in my rib cage. I tried to ease myself and come back to normal breathing, but my blood pression was dropping. I had to steady my head as I felt myself sinking down. The next thing I heard was noise. Noise from moving banks and chairs as I felt someone wrapping his arms around me to lay me down on the floor. I was anxious and had no more control on my breaths. I heard my teacher's voice and the voice of B, a male collegue who is also a first aider and works for an anbumlance. Both of them were very calm, that helped. I needed that for I was a mess and I needed something to soothe me. Idon't know in wich thing happend before the other. But Blayed me down on the floor, the teacher keept on talking to me. I felt pain in my hands, I was shaking and freezing! They asked me to breath slowly and open my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw EVERYBODY looking at me like I was strange animal in the zoo. B asked them to leave! Thank God he did that! I sat in between B's legs but was still dizzy. They layed me down on a matrass and gave me a blanket. I bursted out in tears...
J stayed with me and took my blood pressure, we laughed away the tears... It hurts, you know! It really hurts to feel that you're loosing control over your own body. Especially when it's happening again! So many times in just one week...
Every period I have also reminds me strong to 'Vlinder'. The little girl I've loved so much and still do, but also the one I lost too soon. No one knows how much I really miss her, many don't even know she has even been part of my life. I do miss her. The missing comes in waves, and this week I'm drowning! Guess that's also the reason why it helps me so much when I hear soothing, calm voices and feel gentle touches when I collapse. You know that since I've collapsed the first time on Sunday I just wanted to be hugged?! Such a hug that is real strong, with one arm around your shoulders and the other one holding your head and going through your hair. The kind of hug where you're sure that someone is there for you, someone to say you'll be okay and everything will be fine. When I collapsed on Wednesday afternoon here at home, I woke up on the floor and when I opened my eyes, I saw my dog. He was concerned. We cuddled, but he couldn't hug me.
The teachers (another one came in too) said that I shouldn't drive. B agreed and said he would bring me home with my car 'cause his sister could pick him up near my house. We walked to our cars. As he opened his car I thought he forgot he'ld take me home and when I wanted to go to my place in the car, he smiled and reached out his hand to give hime my keys. Well, I have to admit that today he was my rock! Big time. On our way home he told me how it went in class because we have different memories of it. Of course; he saw it all happen, I felt it all. We laughed. He asked me to PLEASE warn him the next time if I don't feel okay.
That's the hardest part for me. Admitting that I'm not okay. It's really hard. So that's the reason why I don't say it. Because I always think I'll be able to manage it on my own, no control I have to give away. But by now, we know what happens then.
I'm still feeling dizzy and weak. My head hurts me. It took me a lot to write all of this just because I don't see everything clear. And I still don't have the feeling that my mind is emptied, it helped a bit! I'm tired too... I guess I will sleep very well.
When I came home and told my brother I felt dizzy again he answered quite strict: 'You should see a doctor'. I thought by myself that I don't really need a doctor, while I had actually hoped I could've got my hug from him. I just need to become friends again with mother nature. She has won this time, BIG TIME! I do not even want to compete anymore.
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