Ik ben Annita
Ik ben een vrouw en woon in Nieuwpoort (Belgiƫ) en mijn beroep is Schrijfster.
Ik ben geboren op 16/09/1995 en ben nu dus 29 jaar jong.
Mijn hobby's zijn: Gamen en schrijven.
Don't take anything too seriously.
Neem niet alles te serieus.
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Het hart van Annita
De gevoelens die in mijn hart spelen
16-11-2020
When will it end?
Never have I thought about the end of my book as much as I do right now. I don't want to end it this way. I want these dark thoughts to go away. It's just a waste of my time but I'm done struggling with the demons you gave me. I'm listening to them more and more each day. When will it end? That's the question I'm asking myself each day.
You did know what you were doing when you said I sexually assaulted you. You knew it would break me fully. I'm the person who gets raped every time she dates someone. If it wasn't rape, I sexually assaulted you. If it wasn't that well I won't have a 'normal' relationship. My traumas always have some kind of influence. I'm so done. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm asking for it. When will it end?
All these bad thoughts I'm having is making me insane. I don't see the beauty of life anymore. I'm trying to find the enjoyment back but it's so hard. I need to trust in love and life in general again. It's hard though with these demons he gave me. I'm not good enough. I'm gonna get hurt again. I'm gonna get raped again. What does it matter anymore. I've been through it all. Therapy, bad thoughts, getting raped over and over again. I'm so done with it all. When will it end?
I know when it will end. It will end when I finally get over all of this. When I finally know that it's not me but them. When I finally meet someone who's worth my time and won't hurt me. Right now I don't even trust people at all. I don't even trust myself with these demons surrounding me. It will end eventually. I have to learn to live with that but it will end eventually.
It feels unreal. It feels like I'm dead. Death has crawled upon me once again. I saw it. I know he's got to take someone. Will it finally be him? Will it be me? Will I finally take enough pills? Do I really want them to find me like that? Does a bond between two people have to break? Just so one person can be happy? I'm done thinking this way. I'm done with all the police. I'm done living this life. I'm not a saint but this bond we share is so damn precious to me.
It's so unreal. The way it makes me feel. They arrested me. All those lies all this time. I can't help it I was born this way. It's in my blood. It's just another excuse. Our family is crazy and so out of this world. I never wanted to live. I never really thought of it as a happy thing. You should be happy to be alive they say. I've seen things in my life that can't be unseen. I'm productive when I'm depressed only because I've got to do what I've got to do. All this mess is messing with my head. I'm not alright when I put on my smile. It's just another mask I produced. Can't you see that? I'm done. I know I have a few good people in my family but I just can't seem to handle that right now. I'll be happy when this ends.
It's so unreal. Will it ever end? No more police ringing the door? No more do this, do that? No more you're guilty just say it. The damage has been done. I guess my bridges burned down. I've held on to them but I've got to let them go. I can't do this anymore. The last weeks broke me. I'm broken. Are you happy? You clearly want me to go. I'm the problem. I just tried. I've tried my best to give you a good home. I don't want you to know what I've been trough. I don't want you to see it everyday. I don't want it to happen to you. So much hell in my head. It defeats me. Is there something good inside of me?
And then you realise, the only good thing inside of me is when I breath. Just a pure breath. Sometimes a bit smelly but I don't care anymore. I'm already dead inside. I never figured all the light inside of me could be so easily gone. It's done within a second. Is this what you wanted? No more contact? I feel so unreal for months now. I hope this changes through time. Will you still be my little brother? I like you. I just want to see you grow up. Not as their production but your own. You'll find yourself but for now I've got to find myself. The me that's been buried for eight years now. The me that wants to be buried has to find the light again. This depression is way worse than my first one. I lost it all back than. Now I lose what I love the most. My brother. Just never kill my hope. Hope for it to become okay again.
Bye to the stars that fade away. Bye to the light that shined in our heart. Our fire burned out. We're gone just like a night. Everything that happened can't be undone. I've made many mistakes in my life. Should I go to church for that? It won't make you appear next to me. It won't make it all better. Should I pray, should I make you stay? I tried that last one. Couldn't make it happen. Is it too late?
Is it too late for us to just try? Boy you got me at hello, my feelings never faded. Five years are gone. Two years are trough. Do you really want that to happen? You want to be friends but you blocked me on Facebook. You're a liar and I've always know that. I just thought it might change over time. Well it didn't. I still love you though. Your eyes, your smile... I loved everything about you. I love everything about us. Tell me, is it really over?
It's definetly over. You don't deserve me. Not now, not tomorrow, never! You played me like a baseball. Four months have you been lying straight to my face. What does it all mean now? Why did you do that? Why did I let you do that? How could you? You used me like a toy. You think I have a lot of boys inside me but hun that's not even true. I made two mistakes. Two big mistakes. A guy and a girl. I'm sorry for everything. I always was. But right now I'm broken. I'm torn inside. You knew I was raped. I hope you know that's true. I love you and only you.
If you want to shout at me, do it. If you want to hate me, do it. I never played with you like you did with me. I love you. Boy you make me crazy in love. You always did. But what's five years? I have feelings for you for five years. They don't just go away and you know that. Just hold me in your arms. I want to change this thing. We gotta make this through. This can't be happening. Not us.
After two weeks I know it's best to let you go. Let the thoughts go. I gotta move on. With you or without you, I don't even care at this point. You've done enough to let me go. I'm done feeling stupid. Just done having feelings for you while there might be someone deserving my love. I wish I could rewind everything and change the past but we might never be meant to be. It sucks to have two years gone to waste. No, I won't go back to my rapist ex-boyfriend. I'm trough with that. People make mistakes but should you punish them so hard so they wouldn't even be able to sleep properly? Altough I think I kinda deserve everything, the only thing I want is you. Just us
I wish you talked to me about it. I wouldn't have all these questions in my head if you just talked. I loved you. Just the way you were. Your girlfriend changed everything. Love is making you blind. I hate how you've changed. You changed forever. Our friendship is over apparently. Can't think about anything else. I can't feel anything but broken. Broken by what you did. You left me like a choice. I loved you. Actually still do.
I loved so many things about you. Now you broke everything between us. Everything I ever loved is gone. Gone because you are blinded by her. I wish I could just be happy about it. Wish I could do my work just like I would normally do. Apparently I can't. Just because of you and your love for her. It's strange how you ended this. One call or message would be so fantastic. Had to find out the hard way. At the end we had a great time while we were friends before you were together. Never forget who put you two together just like I'll never forget that mistake. I regret every single minute of it.
Your promises while you were single are all lies to my right now. You always said you are so truthfull. Well I guess not. You said no one would come between us. If you had a girl and she would do that, there would be a break-up. I guess you meant us. I miss you. I miss the way we talked before you met her. Can't forget the way we were. Can't forget what you asked me on wednesday. Can't forget what you said. It'd be ridiculous that we would end because of that. You were planning this all along. You were a great friend. Past tense because it's in the past. Don't know if you'll come back. Honestly I don't think you'll ever come back. You have her so your world is complete. Don't come crying to me when you break-up. You did it again now. Just worse than previously. I even wonder why I fell in love with you. These feelings will haunt me for the rest of my life. These questions will never go away.
I stand in a corner. Just watching life pass by. All those people I can't trust. I don't want to make friends anymore. I lose them all. I want what's best for you can't you see? I loved you more as a friend. You'll never know that. I'm broken by your decision. Can't eat, can't study. The only thing I do, is thinking about you. I know I should stop doing that. I have to stand tall but it's hard. You threw nine years away. That's not nothing. But it's your decision, I have to accept that. Even though it's hard.
I'm sorry for everything I've ever done. I don't even think you know what I did in my life. I was a monster. Even worse than a demon. Yet I'm still here kickin' it. Alive and well. How come? Well they never told the authoroties. Untill now that is.
A couple of days ago it happened. The thing I feared the most trough all those years. My mom started talking about it. About the most horrible thing I've ever done. I thought that after all these years, it would be out of everyones mind. It's been more than ten years. Why did she even bring this topic up? I didn't have a clue. Untill a few hours later. Me and my brother had a huge fight. He's only thirteen years old but sometimes he can be a pain in the ass. My parents made him change schools while I didn't may. I had a horrible childhood. Especially my teenage years that is. Most of it because I didn't change schools. Also because of them. I got bullied. I lost my family. Had several deppresions and don't get me started on the suicide attempts. I screwed up big time this time. He hit me, I've hit him back. Straight in the face.
I didn't mean to get it this far. Yet it happened. But I know it's all because of them. For years they wanted me out of the house and now it's happening. All because of this. They just used him for it. He told me stuff, they told me also afterwards. The exact same sentences. I never wanted anything like this but it happened. The strangest part is that they've hit me multiple times in the past for no reason at all but I've never went to higher ground. They did that after the fight. Why? Just to get me out. They are sick in the mind. It makes me so sick typing all of this but it's true. I know it is. I just never thought it would happen like this. I'm getting my life on the rails. Going back to school to study something I want to make my profession in. Now they are breaking me. They are even trying to make it under ground. They want a life behind bars for me. Why me and not the people who gave my grandma those anti-depressive pills? They really should be behind bars.
But hey, that's just my family. It's not like I'm going to kill myself for this or anything. I mean I would but I couldn't. I made a promise to my cat (Tiger). I want to hold onto that promise I've made that peticular day. I'm truly sorry for everything I've ever done to anybody I've hurt. I know I've hurt my brother when I had my worst depression. It was also the first one. It just shouldn't have happened. I'm sorry.
I'm not okay. My heart has been broken into pieces. My mind is breaking down. I can't do this anymore. You are living your life and I'm living mine. We are growing further away from each other everyday. Frankly I don't really care. I can't care anymore.
It's my own fault that I'm still feeling these feelings. I should've end our relationship a while ago. You wanted to go into the army and I've always known that. I just don't want this life. I don't hear anything from you. I can't call you. Yesterday I've only gotten one text from you. It just said that your test was okay after all and that you would call me. And there I was, waiting. Crying myself to sleep because It happened again. At 5 am I got a new text from you. It just said that you can't text me all the time. Not a single word about how you are at the moment. Or even what is happening there.
I've made up my mind. I love you but I also love my heart and my mind. I hate that you can break my heart so easily. I don't need this. I don't even want this. I don't think this is just a temporary thing. It happened a lot when you were here. Frankly if you don't care, I won't care either. I'll make my beating heart a stone. I know what I've gotta do. I just don't want to but I also don't want this anymore. You were okay for as long as it lasted. I never were okay. Now I'm sinking like a ship. Diving into that dark place again.
I've loved you but I'm gonna let you go. I can't do this anymore. I can't be with you anymore. Sorry it's over. I've cried enough. My heart has suffered more than enough. I'm so done with you. If you passed, I would've broken up with you. But this sentence has changed. I don't even care if you pass or not. You lost me big time now. Just because of lack of communication. Just because I'm sick of your lies. I'm sick of this life.
It hurts so much. It hurts to let you go. It hurts now that she went to heaven. Her fight came with an end. But I didn't want her to go so soon. Though it was clear she had to go. It was the best for her. No more physical pain and no more feeling bad about anything you could do once. I know that I'm not your daughter but I would've been your daughter-in-law. I'd love to be that. Though you'll see it from the sky. I'll always be your daughter-in-law like you'll always be my second mom.
Days go by and seconds go on but I don't care because you aren't here. Maybe you are but I don't know. Last week we've lost an angel in disguise. A true angel on the inside. Well if you knew her, you could tell. Tell her everything you want. 'Cause she'd be there for you no matter what. I wanted to say something but didn't know how. I really really love your son. Stuff happened between us but he will always have that special place in my heart. He might never be mine again but I'll always care about him. I'll always love him no matter what. The heart wants what it wants I guess. I want to be there for him now. I want to hold him and hug him untill he's sleeping. I want him to know what I'm feeling for him even though that destroys a lot. He's the one who truly understands me and my autism but doesn't get mad. Or even destroys me. I feel great when I'm with him. It's like the world dissapears.
I wanted to tell you this for quite some time now. You've got two sons who'll make you proud. Because you deserve that and I believe in them. They'll do great stuff in the future. If you were here, we would bet on it. I miss you. I will never get why heaven wanted this angel back. You were a great angel here on earth. But now you are a guide for your boys. In good and in bad times. I remember I called you when my cat died of cancer, you knew I was depressed. You knew and you helped me. Even though we weren't together anymore. You were awesome. You were one of a kind. You were a true angel in disguise.
I just lost him. My friend. My lover. My everything. I'll always love his smile. He has those dimples in his cheeks when he laughs. I love them. I love him. I'm sorry for not being the one for him. He doesn't love me anymore and sadly enough, I'm kinda okay with it. Although I love him, I'm okay with it. It's so weird. But the weirdest thing of all is that no matter what he says or does, I'll always love him. I've always loved him since the day we met.
It was a crazy day back then. I just started blogging and writing stuff about my life. My relationship was at its ending. He showed up and I couldn't believe how amazing he was. He was so hot in that jacket. His hair. Just everything. When I saw him back this year. After all that time, my feelings were the same towards him. He grew up so nice. I love his tight hugs. I love him but I lost him.
I lost my favourite person on this planet. I'm not going to see him ever again. Maybe these are last texts from him. I don't know. I'm so scared for what's comming. He let's me go so easily but I can't. I remember what we had. Our precious memories. They mean a lot to me. They always will. Now they will just haunt me forever. This is a sad goodbye. A goodbye I don't want. I don't want to lose him again. I love him way to much for this. Yes, it's killing me but I have to let him go. So this is my sad goodbye to you. I'll always love you and I promise I'll never forget you.
I wanna be his favorite melody. His favorite lyric. Right now I'm probably his favorite girl on this planet. And he's the only guy that I can see and hear. When I'm with him the whole world is on mute. It stops turning around and around. The time doesn't matter when I'm with him. Gotta look on the clock but don't have any. I don't want any 'cause I can't even read them correctly. That might be just me or something else. I don't know what but my brother can't read it either.
I'm the girl who's always too late. But that's going to change. This year I was already two times too late. Last year was more than ten or something. I was already expelled for one day. Okay this year it were two days but it wasn't even my fault or anything. I just overslept for one time. Sometimes I think my school sucks. Now I know that it isn't just a thought. It's the truth. Just like me and him.
I was bare and reeling. I showed myself in the most true way. Then his brother came in and made me feel a little bit more insecure. Making me feel unreal. Just naked. After that I felt awesome. Just laying with my boyfriend. Still bare but better. He made me feel like I was better than any other girl. Okay I'm his first but still. He's my first too but in a different way. He's the first one that doesn't hurt me after a month or more. He's the first that makes any other boy unattractive. But not my idol of course. In fact he's one of 'em. If he was a band member, I would be his biggest fan. Just like I am right now.
With him I even forget some things about my ex. Even the most important stuff. The reason behind the love and so on. Couldn't explain it back then but now I can. He was a total loser. Maybe I felt bad for him. After all that time, I fell in love with him. I've hated myself for that but it's not my fault. My heart's still repairing from the damage of that previous mistake.
I don't wanna fall in love with the wrong one again. So I chose my mind to be my guide. My heart will follow it along with my mind. In the end my heart will not feel damaged at all. Just like right now. The wounds are stitched. He was the needle and the love he gave me was the string. It was all I needed. It's just more much more to me.I really love this guy. I never experienced any kind of love like this before.
I guess my heart wins at the end but my mind took a huge role too. I think it's good to listen to your mind for some time. If it bumps up at that time it's probably for a reason. Listen to it and don't deny it. I never knew that I would be with another. I always thought that he was the right. But he's not. I shouldn't have to fight for a spot. But I did. That was so messed up. My heart was messed up. He was always playing with it. Are we lovers or are we just sinners? He didn't know it back then and now his heart is messed up. His soul is feeling strange without mine. We were always together. Back then the time was there. It said that I will find my one and only. The one who won't hurt me. That was actually a dream of three or four years ago. It came true. Now I'm in love with my dream guy. That's so insane but I love this relationships insanity. I love him forever.
Just thinking about how awesome he is. I'm just thinking about how perfect we are together. Everything we did so far is what I've missed for so long. I'm glad that I can look at him with those flirty eyes of mine. Looking so in love. Being so in love with him. It's like all those things I've never expected to happen, are happening.
Right here, right now we are probably thinking the same thing. Just like we always do. I love that we're thinking the same stuff at the same time. It's like I've finally met my soulmate. But he's better. I don't have to call him my soulmate 'cause he's my boyfriend. I just hope it'll stay that way forever. I hope it will never fade away just like the lights at night.
So many questions in my head but he's worth having me and I think I'm worth having him. After all I've been trough. This is what I've always wanted. And now it's not just there, it's right here. Got a problem? He'll be there and if he has one, I'll be there for him too. I'll always be there for him. 'Cause I love him. I'll always will. My feelings are much deeper than ever before. I hope he'll hold me close to his body and that he'll never let go.
"The new" was weird in the beginning but now the only thing I feel about it, is excitement. All the stuff I like about boys is what I have right now. I'm not letting him go. 'Cause this is perfection. Our love is pure and undefined. Just like an undefined flying object. Flying above the sky but nobody knows what it seems like. I've never felt this way before. The only feeling that I've experienced the most was pain. Pain everywhere. In my life and every relationship. But not this one. This isn't a fantasy. This is the real thing. Someone loves me for who I am and that's a feeling I will cherish for a lifetime. Hopefully a life with him in it. 'Cause otherwise it'll be just a waste. A waste of having these true feelings for one time. I'm so in love with him.
Some people are strange. Some people are thieves and some people aren't. I got robbed today. Someone stole my bike seat. I was so pissed because of that. Then we went to a bicycle shop but it was closed. I finally got home and then I saw that I was like a lobster. But it wasn't the worst thing after all.
My boyfriend kinda broke up with me. I don't even now if we're dating or not. I love this guy so much, that it's hurting me. I had sex with him for like three days or something. We were friends. We aren't exactly friends. It's more like we're just having a break. Just because of his mother and because he must study.
At the end of the day he says that he saw someone with my bike seat on his bike. It was ripped apart. He saw the gang. I hate gangs. They were black people. Honestly I don't got anything against them but seriously stay away of my stuff. Especially my bike. I love my bike so much. He didn't even do anything because he was at the subway. I would get of it and just start a fight. No matter how many people that there are. They just got to stay of my stuff.
Tomorrow will be a long day. Got to go to a bicycle shop and after it I hope I'm having a bike. I need it. I don't want to walk this long lonely road. I want to ride it. People should respect each other and their stuff. Can't do that? Sorry buddy but you'll go to jail.