It's so unreal. The way it makes me feel. They arrested me. All those lies all this time. I can't help it I was born this way. It's in my blood. It's just another excuse. Our family is crazy and so out of this world. I never wanted to live. I never really thought of it as a happy thing. You should be happy to be alive they say. I've seen things in my life that can't be unseen. I'm productive when I'm depressed only because I've got to do what I've got to do. All this mess is messing with my head. I'm not alright when I put on my smile. It's just another mask I produced. Can't you see that? I'm done. I know I have a few good people in my family but I just can't seem to handle that right now. I'll be happy when this ends.

It's so unreal. Will it ever end? No more police ringing the door? No more do this, do that? No more you're guilty just say it. The damage has been done. I guess my bridges burned down. I've held on to them but I've got to let them go. I can't do this anymore. The last weeks broke me. I'm broken. Are you happy? You clearly want me to go. I'm the problem. I just tried. I've tried my best to give you a good home. I don't want you to know what I've been trough. I don't want you to see it everyday. I don't want it to happen to you. So much hell in my head. It defeats me. Is there something good inside of me?

And then you realise, the only good thing inside of me is when I breath. Just a pure breath. Sometimes a bit smelly but I don't care anymore. I'm already dead inside. I never figured all the light inside of me could be so easily gone. It's done within a second. Is this what you wanted? No more contact? I feel so unreal for months now. I hope this changes through time. Will you still be my little brother? I like you. I just want to see you grow up. Not as their production but your own. You'll find yourself but for now I've got to find myself. The me that's been buried for eight years now. The me that wants to be buried has to find the light again. This depression is way worse than my first one. I lost it all back than. Now I lose what I love the most. My brother. Just never kill my hope. Hope for it to become okay again.