Today is the last day of school for this year. That also means the very last day I'll be sitting next to him. Last day I get to talk to him and sink into his beautiful green eyes. I'll miss him!
We had an excursion with school. Because R and I had to come back to the same place we said we'ld go together. So, I went to pick him up. He was silent in the car. Busy on his phone. I was jealous to whomever he was texting. I want to talk with him so badly, but once again, I don't want to destroy his allready broken relationship. But it's hard to keep it all in. Yet we were sitting the whole day next to each other, so close, we're still so far.
But I'm not. I've busted myself yesterday - AGAIN. It always happens without me even noticing. It's always after I spoke the words that I actual feel like a liar. Yet I don't know how to say I'm not okay. It always happens so fast. You say hello to the ones you met and when they ask how I'm doing I answer with a great big smile on my face: 'I'm fine, thank you!'. It happens every single time.
Even when I had my appointment at the physiotherapist. I thought to maybe talk to him about the nightmares and anxiety and so on. So I came in, he asked 'How are you?' and there my face with the smile popped up and said 'I'm fine, thank you!'. I was so mad at myself. Because sometimes I don't feel okay at all. I just wish I could find a way to express that. To make it visible for others.
Stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have that shit. I always hoped to be able to say; 'I have had that, but it's gone now.' It comes in waves. It's been a very long way from where I come. I couldn't sleep at night because of nightmares, during the day I had flashbacks, I freaked out if someone touched my arm or shoulder, I only wore baggy clothes to be not sexy at all, I've been biting myself till I had giant bruises, I even wanted to end my life. That quite a sum up.
But after all, I'm happy with all the progress I've made in between! I sleep at night, am okay with touches, trust others again, dress up like a lady and do sexy things like burlesque. So you know, that made me feel like I had everything in control. It made me feel so powerfull because I had the feeling that I had conquered the PTSD.
Yet, today, I'm wide awake in bed. Afraid to close my eyes and fall asleep. I had to go to the gynaecologist earlier this week. I never knew this would be SUCH a trigger for me. I came back crying and lost from the hospital. Ever since, the PTSD is controlling me instead of the other way around. I cry for nothing, I'm terrified all the time, I've had so horrible nightmares and flashbacks last nights that right now, I don't even dare to close my eyes anymore because I'm afraid for what will come.
Come on, you know the feeling. The feeling that someone hugs you SO tight you could barely breath. A hug so tight that you just couldn't fell down because someone had you. So tight that this cold frozen heart of yours started to melt. So tight that you could set yourself on fire again. So tight that all of your broken, shattered pieces came back together and you finally felt whole again. A hug so tight you realised again for what you're doing it. So tight that you finally felt loved and humble and worthy and amazing again.
A hug so tight for as long you need it to believe all of the above. Because a hug is powerful and can actually do so.
To be honest: I need a hug. I need that kind of hug because I don't feel ME anymore. I feel like I'm shattered into thousand pieces. I don't feel loved, though I know I am. I need a hug SO tight I can't barely breath. A hug SO tight to know someone got me. So tight.
A little longer than two years ago I was talking with a female friend about R, a common male friend. We both agreed that he was a warm, positive and good man, but we also both concluded we'ld never be able to fall in love with him. In fact, that was even out of the question, because he had a girlfriend and they were happy together!
Yet I sit here today, mad in love with him. It took me quite some time to be able to admit that I actually fell for him because I can still hear myself saying that I could never fall in love with him. Looks like I did. :/ I'm very confused. First of all because I had to admit it to myself and second: he's still together with his girlfriend.
It hurts, because during the time we've spent together, it's not that I got to know him better, I got this remembrance of him like we've known each other before. I would love to talk to him about it. If he doesn't love me, that's fine, I even completely understand that! But hearing him say that out loud, would help me so much to get over it and move on. And yet, sometimes, his eyes, the way he looks at me, his smile, the way he knows me better than I sometimes do, ... It makes me wander sometimes if he'ld possibly 'remember' me too... I wander, because I can not open up to him about it. I would never take the risk to put his current relationship on doubts because of me. Because his happiness is after all the only thing that matters. He makes such a lovely friend too.
But still, everytime we're togheter and every time I think of him and also every single time I miss him, I wander...
When I was in London on a holiday last time, I bought a book. It has a gorgeous blue cover with silver linings on it. I loved it instantly. It's a story, some kind of a fairytale. I didn't bought it the first time I saw it, but I was so mezmerised it kept on popping up in my mind. So the other day I walked on in, in every single book store and I bought this beautiful book.
When I came home I felt bad about it, because I have 'no one' to read it too. When I realized I could've been reading this to my baby-daughter I lost, I bursted out in tears. I would have loved reading it to her. I wanted to read it to myself in my bed earlier this week, but I didn't had the courage.
This afternoon, together with my lovely dog R. We crawled up close in his basket. He rested his head on my legs when I opened the book 'The fox and the star'. I've been reading the whole book while I imagined my daughter crawling onto my lap too. Just the three of us.
R. listened very carefully and I was happy to be finally able to read it without crying that much.
Guess that's my equivalent of reading bedtime stories. I miss her! <3
'I don't know how it is you are so familiar to me- or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before- in another time, a different place- some other existence.'
When I wanted to go to the toilet this morning and pulled down my pyjama's, I wasn't fast enough to sit down. Before I sat down they're was a huge blood clot falling on the floor. I hurried to sit down and felt chills down my spine. This means I'm having me period again, and just as the last time it promises to be heavy.
I'm so afraid that I will loose so much blood again till I collapse or feel so weak. 18 more days before I have my appointment at the gynecologist. It's scary to not know where this period is taking me...
It's a very thin line between just enough and too much. Yesterday I crossed the line. I gave too much from myself to someone who actually didn't deserve it that much. So in fact: I have let taken out all my energy and what is left of me today is nothing more than a tired, emotional and sick little girl.
I almost haven't slept last night; I had nightmares about yesterday. I was wide awake, overthinking. This morning I woke up with dark circles under my eyes, very white skin and a slight headache. I felt so tired. I walked into the bathroom and was shocked from seeing that face in the mirror. It's a face I haven't seen in years. Because that face has always been the one that shows up when I do not take enough care of myself. So while looking at myself in the mirror I felt guilty because I suddenly understood how far I had crossed that line.
Thought I could fix it with concealer, but didn't do that much. Arrived at school, had to speak in front of the class, bursted out in tears.
I got a real bad headache, nausea, dizzyness, ... I had it all... Because I've had crossed that line. I'm mad at myself. I couldn't even study today for my evaluation tomorrow because I had to catch up with sleep this afternoon.
And you know what, I'm even madder (that's probably not the right word) at myself for I'll be the one picking her up tomorrow morning, risking to be late for that specefic evaluation.
And all I could fish for right now was someone to pamper me with a hug and touching my hair. That would've been great. But I've crossed the line. I did all of this to someone yesterdag while forgetting myself. I will now not forget about that.
Met nee zeggen heb ik al zowat mijn hele leven moeite. Hoewel ik er steeds beter begin in te worden en mezelf eindelijk wel eens op de eerste plaats durf te plaatsen. Het is een proces van groeien en eigenlijk doet me dat beseffen dat de mensen rondom mij me hierin positief ondersteunen. Dat is fijn.
Begin deze maand nam een danseres met dansschool die een show organiseert volgende week contact met me op voor een performance luchtacrobatiek. Een week later werden het twee performances in duo, of dat kon vroeg ze. Ik contacteerde mijn lieve luchtacropartner en ook zij zag het helemaal zitten. Ik vroeg bij de organisator regelmatig naar timing, veiligheid van de ophangpunten, verloop, muziek, ... Er werd telkens heel enthousiast gereageerd maar nooit verkreeg ik de gevraagde informatie.
Afgelopen vrijdag raapte ik al mijn moed bij elkaar om haar te sturen dat ik de performances niet kon laten doorgaan. Als we nu nog 2 stukken in elkaar moesten steken waarvan we nog steeds geen muziek hadden, laat staan veiligheidsvoorschriften, dat we het beter konden verplaatsen naar een latere show. Pas op zaterdagochtend kreeg ik voor het eerst antwoord van haar. DRINGEND. Ik moest dringend mijn facebook checken, want ze had me daar gestuurd. Op mijn email was intussen de muziek aangekomen. Ze schreef dat ze begreep dat ik de performance niet zou doen, maar dat ik toch diezelfde dag bij haar in het theater nog langs mocht gaan om de technische bespreking te doen. Ik schreef dat ik de performance niet zou doen. Ik kreeg antwoorden terug waarin ze schreef dat zij en de crew nu in de shit zitten, dat ze niet weten hoe ze het moeten oplossen, dat het jammer is dat ik 1 week voor datum het optreden annuleer.
Elke keer na zo'n bericht deed ik een beetje afstand om terug op adem te komen omdat ik me letterlijk schuldig voel. Ik ben diegene die haar show om zeep hebt, door mij zit zij, haar hele crew en al haar dansers met een gigantisch probleem, want de tijd dat onze nummers zouden duren konden zij zich omkleden.
Vandaag kreeg ik weer zo'n berichten. Zo inspelend op mijn moraal dat ik alleen maar kon huilen om wat 'ik hen aandeed'. In mijn hoofd had in na haar laatste sms toegegeven aan haar en haar emotionele chantage. Mijn broer zag me en reageerde fel. Hij zou haar opbellen, maar dat wou ik niet. Omdat ze me dan precies heeft waar ze wil; in een hoekje, klein en bang. Dus haalde ik opnieuw diep adem en verstuurde haar het bericht dat ik het niet doe. En nu heb ik het hoofdstuk voor mezelf afgesloten.
Ik heb al vaker shows georganiseerd en heb nog nooit iemand later dan een week voor datum zulke cruciale info gegeven. Ja, ze heeft een grote naam, de halve stad zo ongeveer ligt aan haar voeten en ze doet ook nog aan politiek. Ik hoop vooral dat ze het probleem niet verschuift en aan de hele wereld laat weten dat IK de beuzak ben.
Langs de andere kant zal ik trots zijn op mezelf dat ik eindelijk voet bij stuk heb gehouden. Maar het is toch wat emotionele chantage. Mijn hart gaat uit naar alle mensen die op deze manier gevangen zijn in een relatie!
I'm quite in class... Everything that's happing is too overwhelming somehow. It makes me very still. And even aching! I FEEL pain. Like the mental pain is coming out in physical pain. Call me weird or wathever you like, I feel it that way.
One teacher asked about what was going on. I said that I'd probably lost all my fairy dust that keeps me flying.
She said she'ld leave me alone and wouldn't ask me a lot of thing when I answered that that would be awesome. She went back to her chair, looked at me and said: 'I miss you'.
All I could think by myself was... It's okay. Today is okay to be not okay.
At my internship there's a nurse and she's having a Cirque Du Soleil's Varekai mug! There are arty letters on it saying 'Fall in love' I asked if she saw the show and she said yes. I know there's a tripple trapeze act in the show, I saw it many times on Youtube. Though I was checking the site very regular, I've never found a show nearby. Until now!
Shazaam! Yesterday was Amaluna, in Brussels. In the end, I decided to take my brother with me. He wanted to drive and made great company! We both loved the show! When I was buying the music CD from Varekai, I saw a flyer! Varekai is coming to Belgium, Antwerp, in March 2016. But there'll be only 8 shows. As a Cirque Member I got entrance to the presale and I just bought my tickets. 2 pieces of course, because I think I might have found the one by then...
Some things will never changes, like me, hoping high! :)
Liefste Janneke Maan Hemelhoog zie ik je staan Een fonkelend nieuwe ster aan je zij Met haar aanwezigheid ben je vast heel blij Het doet me pijn Hier beneden, zonder haar te zijn Zij die ik zo heb bemind Met haar geknuffel altijd welgezind.
Liefste Janneke Maan Ik weet, ik kan er van op aan Na alles wat ze heeft gegeven Verdient ze naast jou een tweede leven Sluit ze in koude nachten in je armen Om haar hartje te verwarmen.
Liefste Janneke Maan Vanuit het raam, zie ik je staan Ik huil nog even en denk 'Dit is het leven'
Een fonkelende ster aan je zij Voor mij zo ver weg, voor jou zo dichtbij
A little girl just trying to keep with ALL the things. Yesterday, I went to bed at 8pm, this morning my alarm waked me up at 7 am. That means I slept for 11 hours. That's quite the shizzle, if you're asking me! I wanted to jump out off bed, but whilst I was busy doing that, I've allready hit the floor. I was dizzy, another day, again! It's awfull to know that normally you're so filled with energy and now there's notting left. It all cost me so much. Getting out of bed needs patience and extra care, let alone getting through the day. I feel dizzy, see black dots and starts everywhere, feel cold shivers and alone. I feel alone. But that does not mean I'm not pulling myself back up on the straps of my bra to continue. It's almost weekend.
At this time, normally I'ld be standing in a huge dance studio teaching belly dance to some nice ladies. But mother nature changed that plan. I have canceled my class, although I didn't wanted too, I didn't felt good enough to teach a proper class. Also, before you continue reading; this might be the weirdest post you have ever read. I'm able to switch languages and talk about uhm... ALL the things at the same time. It might be a mess, which it maybe allready is, but I don't mind, because it's this gorgeous mess of chaos in my head too and I want to spit it out! So here I go.
This week has had a huge impact on me so far. It started on Sunday. While I was preparing dinner I saw all these black spots appear and collapsed. I went to bed early and I thought that 'ld be it. On Monday I felt it again on my way home after school. Went to bed, went to phsyiotherapist where I collapsed again. More collapsing on Tuesday and Wednesday and today, Thursday. Mother Nature is not my closest friend anymore at this time.
I've never been 'regular'. So my period appears when Mother Nature wants it too and how she wants it to. Mostly there are a few months in between. But when she arrives it's real business! Pain, hurts and major bleedings! Normally I'm able to catch up with it. I feel not as strong as usual but I manage to eat the good things to keep me strong. This time is worse! I can not tell the times that I have felt so bad! It awfull! I feel so weak I can not even do ONE pull up! I can not run 'cause I have no energy, and when Mother Nature decides to drop my blood pressure, this girl is going down. I've almost had it by now!
Today was a good day! I was happy this morning. I didn't felt like superwoman, but I was okay. When I go from sitting to standing I have to watch myself, but I managed! It was in the last classes it all went wrong again. It was quite warm in the class and not too much oxygen. I had some trouble breathing and every now and then I felt my heart loud and clear pumping in my chest. It was about one hour and a half more to go before this schoolday was over. The teacher played a little movie about something from the heart. I could not focus. At all. My hands started to shake and cramp, I had the feeling my lungs didn't get enough oxygen and my heart was unstoppable chasing in my rib cage. I tried to ease myself and come back to normal breathing, but my blood pression was dropping. I had to steady my head as I felt myself sinking down. The next thing I heard was noise. Noise from moving banks and chairs as I felt someone wrapping his arms around me to lay me down on the floor. I was anxious and had no more control on my breaths. I heard my teacher's voice and the voice of B, a male collegue who is also a first aider and works for an anbumlance. Both of them were very calm, that helped. I needed that for I was a mess and I needed something to soothe me. Idon't know in wich thing happend before the other. But Blayed me down on the floor, the teacher keept on talking to me. I felt pain in my hands, I was shaking and freezing! They asked me to breath slowly and open my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw EVERYBODY looking at me like I was strange animal in the zoo. B asked them to leave! Thank God he did that! I sat in between B's legs but was still dizzy. They layed me down on a matrass and gave me a blanket. I bursted out in tears...
J stayed with me and took my blood pressure, we laughed away the tears... It hurts, you know! It really hurts to feel that you're loosing control over your own body. Especially when it's happening again! So many times in just one week...
Every period I have also reminds me strong to 'Vlinder'. The little girl I've loved so much and still do, but also the one I lost too soon. No one knows how much I really miss her, many don't even know she has even been part of my life. I do miss her. The missing comes in waves, and this week I'm drowning! Guess that's also the reason why it helps me so much when I hear soothing, calm voices and feel gentle touches when I collapse. You know that since I've collapsed the first time on Sunday I just wanted to be hugged?! Such a hug that is real strong, with one arm around your shoulders and the other one holding your head and going through your hair. The kind of hug where you're sure that someone is there for you, someone to say you'll be okay and everything will be fine. When I collapsed on Wednesday afternoon here at home, I woke up on the floor and when I opened my eyes, I saw my dog. He was concerned. We cuddled, but he couldn't hug me.
The teachers (another one came in too) said that I shouldn't drive. B agreed and said he would bring me home with my car 'cause his sister could pick him up near my house. We walked to our cars. As he opened his car I thought he forgot he'ld take me home and when I wanted to go to my place in the car, he smiled and reached out his hand to give hime my keys. Well, I have to admit that today he was my rock! Big time. On our way home he told me how it went in class because we have different memories of it. Of course; he saw it all happen, I felt it all. We laughed. He asked me to PLEASE warn him the next time if I don't feel okay.
That's the hardest part for me. Admitting that I'm not okay. It's really hard. So that's the reason why I don't say it. Because I always think I'll be able to manage it on my own, no control I have to give away. But by now, we know what happens then.
I'm still feeling dizzy and weak. My head hurts me. It took me a lot to write all of this just because I don't see everything clear. And I still don't have the feeling that my mind is emptied, it helped a bit! I'm tired too... I guess I will sleep very well.
When I came home and told my brother I felt dizzy again he answered quite strict: 'You should see a doctor'. I thought by myself that I don't really need a doctor, while I had actually hoped I could've got my hug from him. I just need to become friends again with mother nature. She has won this time, BIG TIME! I do not even want to compete anymore.
