Today is the last day of school for this year. That also means the very last day I'll be sitting next to him. Last day I get to talk to him and sink into his beautiful green eyes. I'll miss him!
We had an excursion with school. Because R and I had to come back to the same place we said we'ld go together. So, I went to pick him up. He was silent in the car. Busy on his phone. I was jealous to whomever he was texting. I want to talk with him so badly, but once again, I don't want to destroy his allready broken relationship. But it's hard to keep it all in. Yet we were sitting the whole day next to each other, so close, we're still so far.
But I'm not. I've busted myself yesterday - AGAIN. It always happens without me even noticing. It's always after I spoke the words that I actual feel like a liar. Yet I don't know how to say I'm not okay. It always happens so fast. You say hello to the ones you met and when they ask how I'm doing I answer with a great big smile on my face: 'I'm fine, thank you!'. It happens every single time.
Even when I had my appointment at the physiotherapist. I thought to maybe talk to him about the nightmares and anxiety and so on. So I came in, he asked 'How are you?' and there my face with the smile popped up and said 'I'm fine, thank you!'. I was so mad at myself. Because sometimes I don't feel okay at all. I just wish I could find a way to express that. To make it visible for others.
Stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have that shit. I always hoped to be able to say; 'I have had that, but it's gone now.' It comes in waves. It's been a very long way from where I come. I couldn't sleep at night because of nightmares, during the day I had flashbacks, I freaked out if someone touched my arm or shoulder, I only wore baggy clothes to be not sexy at all, I've been biting myself till I had giant bruises, I even wanted to end my life. That quite a sum up.
But after all, I'm happy with all the progress I've made in between! I sleep at night, am okay with touches, trust others again, dress up like a lady and do sexy things like burlesque. So you know, that made me feel like I had everything in control. It made me feel so powerfull because I had the feeling that I had conquered the PTSD.
Yet, today, I'm wide awake in bed. Afraid to close my eyes and fall asleep. I had to go to the gynaecologist earlier this week. I never knew this would be SUCH a trigger for me. I came back crying and lost from the hospital. Ever since, the PTSD is controlling me instead of the other way around. I cry for nothing, I'm terrified all the time, I've had so horrible nightmares and flashbacks last nights that right now, I don't even dare to close my eyes anymore because I'm afraid for what will come.
Come on, you know the feeling. The feeling that someone hugs you SO tight you could barely breath. A hug so tight that you just couldn't fell down because someone had you. So tight that this cold frozen heart of yours started to melt. So tight that you could set yourself on fire again. So tight that all of your broken, shattered pieces came back together and you finally felt whole again. A hug so tight you realised again for what you're doing it. So tight that you finally felt loved and humble and worthy and amazing again.
A hug so tight for as long you need it to believe all of the above. Because a hug is powerful and can actually do so.
To be honest: I need a hug. I need that kind of hug because I don't feel ME anymore. I feel like I'm shattered into thousand pieces. I don't feel loved, though I know I am. I need a hug SO tight I can't barely breath. A hug SO tight to know someone got me. So tight.
A little longer than two years ago I was talking with a female friend about R, a common male friend. We both agreed that he was a warm, positive and good man, but we also both concluded we'ld never be able to fall in love with him. In fact, that was even out of the question, because he had a girlfriend and they were happy together!
Yet I sit here today, mad in love with him. It took me quite some time to be able to admit that I actually fell for him because I can still hear myself saying that I could never fall in love with him. Looks like I did. :/ I'm very confused. First of all because I had to admit it to myself and second: he's still together with his girlfriend.
It hurts, because during the time we've spent together, it's not that I got to know him better, I got this remembrance of him like we've known each other before. I would love to talk to him about it. If he doesn't love me, that's fine, I even completely understand that! But hearing him say that out loud, would help me so much to get over it and move on. And yet, sometimes, his eyes, the way he looks at me, his smile, the way he knows me better than I sometimes do, ... It makes me wander sometimes if he'ld possibly 'remember' me too... I wander, because I can not open up to him about it. I would never take the risk to put his current relationship on doubts because of me. Because his happiness is after all the only thing that matters. He makes such a lovely friend too.
But still, everytime we're togheter and every time I think of him and also every single time I miss him, I wander...
When I was in London on a holiday last time, I bought a book. It has a gorgeous blue cover with silver linings on it. I loved it instantly. It's a story, some kind of a fairytale. I didn't bought it the first time I saw it, but I was so mezmerised it kept on popping up in my mind. So the other day I walked on in, in every single book store and I bought this beautiful book.
When I came home I felt bad about it, because I have 'no one' to read it too. When I realized I could've been reading this to my baby-daughter I lost, I bursted out in tears. I would have loved reading it to her. I wanted to read it to myself in my bed earlier this week, but I didn't had the courage.
This afternoon, together with my lovely dog R. We crawled up close in his basket. He rested his head on my legs when I opened the book 'The fox and the star'. I've been reading the whole book while I imagined my daughter crawling onto my lap too. Just the three of us.
R. listened very carefully and I was happy to be finally able to read it without crying that much.
Guess that's my equivalent of reading bedtime stories. I miss her! <3
'I don't know how it is you are so familiar to me- or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before- in another time, a different place- some other existence.'
When I wanted to go to the toilet this morning and pulled down my pyjama's, I wasn't fast enough to sit down. Before I sat down they're was a huge blood clot falling on the floor. I hurried to sit down and felt chills down my spine. This means I'm having me period again, and just as the last time it promises to be heavy.
I'm so afraid that I will loose so much blood again till I collapse or feel so weak. 18 more days before I have my appointment at the gynecologist. It's scary to not know where this period is taking me...
It's a very thin line between just enough and too much. Yesterday I crossed the line. I gave too much from myself to someone who actually didn't deserve it that much. So in fact: I have let taken out all my energy and what is left of me today is nothing more than a tired, emotional and sick little girl.
I almost haven't slept last night; I had nightmares about yesterday. I was wide awake, overthinking. This morning I woke up with dark circles under my eyes, very white skin and a slight headache. I felt so tired. I walked into the bathroom and was shocked from seeing that face in the mirror. It's a face I haven't seen in years. Because that face has always been the one that shows up when I do not take enough care of myself. So while looking at myself in the mirror I felt guilty because I suddenly understood how far I had crossed that line.
Thought I could fix it with concealer, but didn't do that much. Arrived at school, had to speak in front of the class, bursted out in tears.
I got a real bad headache, nausea, dizzyness, ... I had it all... Because I've had crossed that line. I'm mad at myself. I couldn't even study today for my evaluation tomorrow because I had to catch up with sleep this afternoon.
And you know what, I'm even madder (that's probably not the right word) at myself for I'll be the one picking her up tomorrow morning, risking to be late for that specefic evaluation.
And all I could fish for right now was someone to pamper me with a hug and touching my hair. That would've been great. But I've crossed the line. I did all of this to someone yesterdag while forgetting myself. I will now not forget about that.
