Damn everything.

As I'm trying to sort things out with my son and his attitude towards me and all the risks it brings to me, my dear brother dropped some afwull things on me, leaving me totally baffled.

A totally 'what the fuck??!!' moment.

I went to the birthday party of his son, my nephew, who turned 1 last thursday and had his B-day party oct 31st.
All nice and pleasant and joyfull to see the family again.

But then my brother asked me to go outside with him. Off course he was already stoned out of his ass and drunk as hell. But that's when the guy starts to talk.
Gosh, how I regret going outside with him to smoke a cig.

To start, he said it was unfair of me for having a rant in the summer about him and his mate taking my son on a day out, while both of them drinking large amounts of beer and smoking pot all day long.
I said I expect someone to be sober when they take along someone else's child. He said that was unfair, because I know he smokes pot for years by now.
Well, no, I expect someone to drive sober; I don't care how much you smoke, but someone has to be sober when you take my son out!
Anyways, he also argued that his mate wasn't drunk anymore by the time they left. Sure, they started drinking beer in the morning and up till noon they drank half a liters of beer. But he stopped drinking at noon and drove home at about 5pm, so no way he was still drunk.. C'mon brother, really? And on top of that, both of them kept on smoking pot as much as I smoke cigs (and that's a lot, so in my opinion, you're quite out if you drink and smoke that much!).

Anyhow, I think he got that no one gets to drive with my child when they're not sober. I hope.

Then he started to rant about the past.
Oh my god, the past.
I remember I was going to make a blog post (well, several), about 'my story'.
But I did not think to be confronted with the past in this way.

He started off with how I was molested at 8yrs old (he was 5 and he's the one that went to call my dad, because something was totally wrong).
And then he said, everything went wrong from that point.

Sure, my parents got divorced and a lot of shit happened.

I guess the lies of the past are still stuck in his head. He should really have a talk with my mom one day, because I got to hear the 'you were the reason they split up because you're a whore' again.
Gosh, really? Thanks brother!

On top of that, he said he's waiting for the day I come forward to admit that most of the 'mistakes made' are on my behalf.
I was wrong.

For fuck's sake. Yeah, I didn't already hate myself.
But really, did I make a stepbrother have sex with my sister? Did I make the other stepbrother so hatefull and conspire with his mother against me? To even make me kill myself?
Did I seduce my elder stepbrother? He pushed me!
I guess he never heard the full story, not on my behalf, not on my sister's behalf.
Just what my stepmother told him, I guess.

He also said it was so wrong of me to run away from 'home' on newyear's eve, right after getting presents, and that it made it look like I just wanted the gifts and then, ungratefully, walk off with them.
Sure, I got a present, one that said (and came with that message): you're a whore, we hate you.
That kinda pushed me to run away, on new year's eve, for sure.
Because, you know, that's what everyone wants to hear on any day for that matter: here whore, we hate you, go fuck yourself, we'll do everything we can to embarrass you towards everyone who'd like to hear and see what a bitch you are.
So uplifting, right?

On top of that, he said, for sure, I was invited for lunch every other sunday at my dad's place and everyone is acting (yes, acting!) as if it's all okay, but in reality, they are pretending and don't really like me and wonder if I will stay this nice (I've always been me, but hey...) and they're waiting for the day I come forward (for what??? ).
In reality, they don't want me there and just pretend.
That's something that's not exactly surprising.
Kind of the reasons I ran away all those years ago and gave up trying to begin with, because I always stumbled upon this, again and again. If you hate me, let me go, leave me out of your lives! I don't mind.
I'd rather be with people that actually care, or be left alone.

He said that was just the beginning of everything he needed to get off his chest, when it comes down to the subject of 'me'.
I texted him two days later that I wanted to meet up with him again and hear what else he's got to say.
But he said there wasn't anything he needed to get off his chest again.
Hmmm...
Guess I'll be in for a surprise next time there's a family gathering.
I'll have to remember to bring along a huge amount of xanax, for sure stay away from the alcohol and remember to not bring my child when my brother's about to get drink, because it wouldn't be safe for me to drive my child home in those conditions.

Not that I already felt bad or anything.
Just throw some shit on top, why not?
I guess some demons of the past will just never let me go.

Some nightmares never end!

In all of my darkness, a little bit of happiness too.

After years and years of searching, I finally found the person who's behind the song 'Cut'.
Never thought I'd ever find anything about it!
I gave up a few years ago.

Just a little while ago, I've put that song online.
And then I stumbled upon a 'double' and thought, let's read the comments.
And in those comments, people asked where to get the album (there's an album with this song on!!) and someone said to search for Jez Ball on facebook.

That's exactly what I did off course.
He accepted the friendship request, happy dance.
And I gathered some courage and spoke to him.

First he thought I was referring to his new band, Winter's Thrall.

When I said I actually meant the song 'Cut', he seemed a bit surprised (yes, some people actually love this song haha).
Some day in my life, I will own a cd with this song on!!!
Couldn't be more happier!

I had a very nice chat with this person too.
Such a lovely person, who seems to have been through a lot of crap in life as well.

And I love how he translates that into music my soul seems to dig very well.

Good things do happen too!
Thank you Jez.

And, the song 'Cut' is perfect the way it is. I can't believe you'd want to change it. Don't! It's exactly right the way it is, at least, for me.
I don't care about chorus and bridges and so on. This song screams what I want to say, it says exactly what my soul feels like right now.
I thank you very much for creating this masterpiece.

A certain woman keeps on talking to me and I haven't got a clue if I can trust her or not.
So often I have told her I don't want anything to do with the spiritual things she's in, because that's one of the things that got to me, making me feel as miserable as I am right now.

But she keeps on talking to me, even though I removed her from my friend's list.

I know she has been lying to me before, I know she has been bad-mouthing me.

I don't know why I keep talking to her.
I have met her in real life and she seemed like such a sweet woman, soft, warm-hearted. So it was indeed hard to believe she'd be involved in all the gossip that has been spread around facebook land about me.
I know she was involved, because I created a fake account, to overlook things, so I know.

Recently she broke up with her partner as well, around the same time as my relationship stranded.

For some reason, she seemed to think that I'd be the ideal person to talk to about her broken heart.
And I listened. I tried to make her feel better.
Didn't get involved in the 'he said - she said' things, none of my bussiness and I could care less why they broke up to begin with.

Recently she told me that she loved me, as a friend, I may hope off course!
Why would she do such a thing?
She invited me over, if I ever needed company.
Well, she already invited me over when she told me about her breake-up, so two women could cry their hearts out over a broken relationship, but honestly, I'm not in for that.
Sure, a good cry over something like that, can be relief and getting things of your heart, can be relieving as well.
But I didn't want to do that with her.

I'm just not sure if I can trust her.
Yet, I want to give it a chance.
Probably another very stupid move of me.
Because it gets to me.
Everything she says, gets to me.

And I wonder about the motives.
What drives people to do things like this?

But I could ask myself the same question. What drives me to stay in touch with her?

Probably I want to be proven wrong that some people are just plain evil and have no feelings whatsoever.
There must be some good in every person.
I met this person in Real Life and she felt very loving.
I guess I'm letting that cloud my judgement.

It all feels very contradictive.
A part of me wants her out of my life, the other part says: c'mon, she's nice and she needs you, don't be a bitch, be a friend, lend her the shoulder she needs to cry on, you've got too much free time anyway, give it to people who need someone else.

Time will tell if this will ruin me or if I made the right decision and give some of my time and energy to a person in need.

Today I'm going to visit my mom.
My brother will be there too.

I will have to pretend again, that everything is just fine.
That I don't mind being left out.
That I don't miss anyone.
That I'm not worried about my mom.

I will have to pretend everything's fine at home as well.
Because there's no way I can explain what's really going on.

My mom wouldn't believe me anyway, if I told her how my son is acting towards me.

I guess a mom is supposed to love her child unconditionally anyway.
No matter how much your child hurts you and tells everyone what a bitch you are, you still have to love'm, right?
I cannot say out loud that my love turns out to be conditional.

My mom already thinks very low of me and wants to be proven wrong that I'm a big mistake, a huge failure. My mom wishes I can proof I can do one thing right.
But hey, I can't.
I messed this motherhood thingy totally up. Seems like I was born to fuck it all up.

Wish I could play pretend as well as my child can.
He's an asshole (sorry, he really is) when he's alone with me. But the moment we enter a room with other people, he's a sweet angel.
He behaves extremely well, is very nice to me, polite to everyone else and seems like a very normal child who's extremely happy and loves his mom to death.
And then we leave and I can feel his mood change.

God, he sucks the life out of me.

But I must pretend everything is alright.
My mom's battle is bigger then mine.
My brother cannot be dissapointed again in me either.
I need them to believe everything is alright, because my child needs them and if I mess it up right now, my child could be the victim of that.
I have to play pretend just a little bit longer, untill everything is sorted out and my being doesn't matter anymore and won't influence the well-being of my child any longer.

I will take a bath, find nice clothing, cry before going out and then put on my happy face.
I can do this.

It's obvious that this month, yet again, like ever year, I don't feel well. At all!

I've got a big part in this, off course. I live my own life. No one else is master of my life, but me.

Every year, in october, I feel very bad and every time it comes lurking around the corner, I think, I can get this shit this time. This year, I'm going to be alright!
I'm even going to celebrate my birthday, I'm going to have fun and be pleased with me. Actually celebrate me being born, my own life.
And every year, the closer it comes, the more down I get.

Looking back on FB posts, I can see that it starts to peek at my brother's birthday. Never noticed that before, but with these 'memories to look back unto' thing, I can see that every year, on his birthday, I play this same song. The Crawl, from Placebo. And that's exactly how I feel, except, at this time of the year, I don't get to breathe. I don't want to breathe.

I made matters worse. Yes, that was possible.
I broke with my ex (obviously, otherwise it wouldn't be an ex, right).
But...
With everthing that went down and feeling so extremly worthless, I had a lot of trouble sleeping and I couldn't take more pills then I was already doing. So I thought, instead of freaking out, let's have a drink in the evening.
A glass of wine (or a couple) won't hurt, right? If I take care of my one lasting kidney by drinking enough water and taking care of my bladder, things will be just fine.

My ex went shopping with us on wednesday. Quite an accomplishment on it's own. He never did this the past year! (why not? Then we were together and I needed him, but he wouldn't come along, ever).
He's dependant on me for his groceries and apparantly he wants to make an extra effort and not let me do all the shopping on myself, since it's for him and not me.
Very nice, but I missed it when we were actually a couple, one of the many things that lead to us breaking up...

Anyhow.
I bought me some wine.
We went to the cashier to pay and low and behold, he wanted to pay my groceries!
Why? I don't know.
There was no discussion possible, and because I'm already shy in public, I can do without a drama, so fine, he got to pay my groceries, thus my wine too.
Since I'm polite, I said he could come over and drink from the wine he paid for.
So that I wouldn't have to drink alone and he could enjoy a drink as well.

What could possibly go wrong, right?

Well, I could get drunk!
Since I'm not exactly a big drinker (usually just a few times a year a single glass), I don't need much. After my second glass of wine with cherries, I was quite a bit tipsy, to say the least.
We had a good time, had a good laugh and somehow, it even felt comfortable. But what doesn't feel comfortable when one is drunk?

Oh well, you can guess what happened next. Every day comes to an end and my days usually end in my bed, best place to sleep.
And he ended there too.

After that, he seems to think we're a couple again..

I don't really think he ever believed we'd really breake up. For sure, we've been down this road before and ended up back together again.
But this is so over.
There's really no future for us.
It's only going well when we're not together, that's not the kind of relationship I want to be in.
I don't feel so lonely when I'm on my own, knowing I'm not in a relationship and not being denied by someone, not being ignored, not being unwanted and so on.

But he thinks we're a couple again.

And with my birthday coming up, he's more nice then ever before.
Every other day he comes over, just to sit with me.
I don't even have to ask for a hug. He just gives me one, holds me close.
He knows I'm struggling right now.

He tries to cheer me up.
And that's a very nice thing off course, after all that happened, he shouldn't have to do so.
He's not 'my person' anymore, he shouldn't be.
But somehow, he gets me to talk to him, gets me to admit how far down I've fallen thus far and he tries to cheer me up.
He tells me things about me I needed to hear before I got to this point!

And you know what I hate most?
That he tells me he'd actually be miserable the day I'd be gone for good.
Because I know he's not lying.
Of all the people on this planet, I know he's the only one that would actually really miss me.
He's the only one that knows everything about me, the good and the bad, even the totally messed-up and still wants to be around me.
I know he loves me. No denying that.
He puts up with so much shit from me and he still hasn't killed me, that must be love, right?

Doesn't really help right now that he is trying to make me feel good.
He's one of the reasons I feel bad!

Couldn't he have been turned on by me when we were still a couple, so I wouldn't feel unwanted and less of a woman?
Couldn't he have cheered on my ambitions when we were together, so I knew that everything I was doing, wasn't in vain? Does he have to say NOW that I should pick up everything I like and make something out of it?
When I did when we were together, he was aggrivated, annoyed, wouldn't wanted to be with me, didn't seem to apreciate it and certainly didn't wanted to get involved (I could have done with some help with the math, putting things online, me and computers don't get along and he's an expert with those things, he's quite a smart guy, high IQ thing and such).
But no, whenever I was trying to achieve something, he left me.
He withdrew himself, from us, from me.
Wouldn't want to talk to me, about anything.
Certainly not about himself, or us, or anything, just life, not even a joke, nothing, nada.
Because he didn't want to bother me with that, it wasn't any of my concerns, was his reply to everything.
I wasn't allowed to help out with anything, wasn't allowed to know anything and in return, he didn't want to know anything of me and certainly didn't want to hugg me or hold me close when I was feeling bad, about anything.

And now, he's here...

Why?

Am I not fucked up enough already?

I do feel like a deck of cards, being played.
And I don't know how to deal with this.

I think he's preparing something for my birthday as well.
Shit.
Why?

He never wanted to do anything special before, why now?
He never cared for things like birthdays, holidays, valentine's days and so on.
And it usually ended up in pure misery.

Now he wants to come over on my birthday and I'm like: NO, I just want to dissapear and wish upon a star I can make this go away... Make me go away.
Why come over and celebrate a mistake, a failure? Something you've never wanted and tried your best to get rid of? Something you're ashamed of?

Guess I'll never know what drives some people.
I can't even get myself figured out, what makes me think I can get other people figured out?

I don't have words to describe how I feel lately.
It's easy for others to comment on it and tell me to just a grip on life again.

Life has knocked me down, that's for sure.
I feel like a complete failure, a waste of life.

Some people, not a lot of them, want me to get out of it again and be the positive and happy me I used to be a couple of months ago.
I don't know why though, I haven't exactly been of much value to anyone and have been rather selfish, self-absorbed.
I've hurt people and been hurt.

Some people have totally drained me. Some situations totally got to me.

It's not something recent, just because the breake-up or my mom with a tumor.
It's slowly been creeping up to me.

This summer I took care of a little kitten, with much pleasure off course, I love to nurse any creature that needs help.
But my child, who wanted a kitten so badly, was mad about it every step of the way. Because the kitten was so young, it needed to be bottle fed every few hours and needed a lot of care.
So my child was mad at me, because I've spent a lot of time trying to get this kitten to grow up to become a healthy cat. Took me some effort, but she grew up, is a few months old now and doing fine.
But my child is still angry with me.
Instead of happy we've got the cat he wanted so badly, he's angry with me. Off course!

I've had some issues with his psychologist too and tried to work it out. In the end, she's there for him and not me, so my opinion on her, doesn't really matter. Okay, I've hurt her feelings when I threatened to take legal actions if she didn't stick to secrecy she's supposed to, but that's my right as a parent, even my plight, because I have to protect my child.
I know I've hurt her feelings by doing so, but c'mon, it's a child's well-being at stake.
Off course I speak up and tell her I'll get a lawyer involved if she ever does that again.
For a moment I felt bad for her, she was almost in tears.
But then I thought, we've been through enough shit and if you don't stick to what you're supposed to do and act in the best intrest of the child, I do have to take legal actions! And I can't go and feel sorry for her, when I'm supposed to protect my child.

Now I don't trust her anymore, obviously. But my child still does and they get along and in the end, that's what matters. I just don't tell her too much personal information. She doesn't need to know much about me. Her opinion of me doesn't matter anyway.
She needs to help my child, not me.

My child's trust in her is damaged, because I told him about how she spoke about something she promised not to tell anyone, a subject my child was very much ashamed of.
Okay, I shouldn't have told him, I guess, if I was supposed to let him go and see this psychologist.
But, as I can feel it right now, it seems like he does trust her enough to tell her what he feels.
I don't think he's afraid to talk to her about his home situation at this moment either.

Lately, my child seems to do everything to scream to the outside world what a bitch I am and how bad I treat him.
He makes it look like there's nothing to eat in the house, that I don't care for him, that he doesn't have proper clothing and isn't loved at home and would be better off somewhere else and he's just in pure misery, even gets to be treated badly by me.
He makes me look like an abusive mom.

Turns out, he learned about childrens rights in school and knew exactly what would make it look as if he's in a situation he needs to be saved of....
Right, stab in the heart, I can tell you!

Over and over he keeps on asking me if he can please go and stay somewhere else.

What am I supposed to do then? Deny him that?

It turns out to be a big mistake that I fought to get him back home.
I had to choose to put him in fostercare, because my life was in danger and I needed surgery and recovery. I was a danger to myself too and who knows, I could have been a danger to him.
So, I've put him in fostercare, because that was the right thing to do.

And I medically took care of myself, with the help of my exBF.
I turned out fine, well, not fine, better. And fought to get him home again, because I so badly wanted to be a mom again.

But there was this huge distance between him and me, because his fostermom was everything he ever wished for, everything I never was and never will be.
He also had a blast the weekends he stayed at my mom's house.
And hated being with me.

Now he wants to go back to that and sends out so much mixed messages.
He started lying again to several people about me, making me look extremely bad. Just like he did when he was in fostercare.
Seems like my child can lie quite a bit!
And act too...

His words seem empty now. He can say he loves me, but his actions tell me he hates living here, dislikes me in so many different ways and is so angry at me, he won't forgive me and I don't even know for what.

So yeah, on top of everything else that has happened just this year and the memory of the rest of my life, it's draining me of all energy and positivity.
I wish I couln't feel anymore sometimes, I mean, the emotions that overflow me when it comes down to everything happening in life. My worries, sorrows, my overwhelming thoughts etc.

I don't wanna be me.

I should be happy with everything I've got. But I'm not the kind of person that's happy with thing's I've got, if I've got no one to share it with.
I'm not the kind of person that is filled with self-love and can make herself proud and happy.
I need to get fuelled by being needed, wanted, someone who wants my love and attention, my care, my being etc.
I can only love myself, if I'm of any value to someone else.
And that doesn't seem to be the case.

People turn me down, turn me away, don't want me around, tell me they do not wish I put any time, energy, money, gifts, whatever in them.
If it comes from me, they rather not have it.

That makes me hate myself.
I'm not wanted or needed.

People are more happy when I'm not around.

Meaningless is my life.
I understand why people leave, why people don't want me around.

I don't really have anything to offer. And I'm disabled and always have something on my mind, troubling me.
Not that I go around and try to put all these things on others, but apparantly they notice and don't want to bother me with more or want me to put these worries on them.
I can understand them.

When I'm going through shit, I don't need others to put more shit on my plate either.

But sometimes I just wished my life could be meaningfull, that I could offer something to someone.
Other then worries and misery off course.

But I can't seem to be able to do so.
I'm nothing but a burden to those I care about and it only makes me hate myself more then I possibly did before.

Now I can't even be a part of my own mother's life. She doesn't want that.
I can understand that.
She just got diagnosed with a bad tumor. Tests will clear up whatever tumor it is, if it's treatable etc.
Off course she doesn't want me around for that.
I make her feel bad, afwull and I guess that's even an understatement.
She doesn't want me to free my schedule to spend time with her. Why would she?
She's got loving family members, a good partner, his family is there for her too and they are very cheerfull, well-dressed, good looking, a step higher on the social ladder then I could possibly ever be (I don't have a job and I'm disabled, so there's nothing I've got to offer and I don't look well either and I don't wear make up, fancy clothing etc).
I know my mom is also embarressed because I've got saggy boobs, due to weight loss after childbirth and dark times with no money to buy food. On top of that, due to grinding my teeth, they are extremely afwull looking. It's a disgrace and she doesn't want to be seen with me.
It's not a support at all for her when I'm around.

She says I make her feel as if she's already gone, just because I want to spend time with her.
Her partner recently got admitted to the hospital, emergency, because of a serious bowel infection.
I thought it was normal to go and pay a visit and spend some time with my mom too, since he got admitted to the hospital the same day as she went to the hospital to have a bioptie of her tumor.
Moral support, try to put her mind off of these things, make her smile, small things.
But I did bad.
Now she doesn't want me to come to the hospital anymore, she doesn't want me to visit her at home, doesn't want me to join her when she needs to go in for further examinations (because she's got other and better family members then can be of better support).

I already felt bad about myself, but this kinda kicks in very hard.

At this moment, I don't think she'd want me near if she'd be dying. And I can't even blame her.
Haven't been a good daughter, ever. What made me think I could ever be a good daughter, someone who'd lift her spirit up instead of take her down?
Why would I think anything I do would be considered just a nice thing?
She always thinks I've got a double agenda and she finds my presense offensive and unnessecary.

All the birthdays and mother's days should have given me a clue.
She never wanted me present on any of these days and was always much happier when my sister and / or brother came by, even when the children of her new partner came to visit and celebrate this days.
She always cancelled on the days I wanted to come over and I do wanted to come over, she arranged it so that nobody else would see me.

Why would it be any different now?
Why would I think I wouldn't be a disgrace anymore and actually could lend some moral support? Why would I think she'd want me to be around?

Gosh, I feel so stupid!
Thinking anything I do would matter to anyone.

My soul is broken and I thought I could heal it, by doing something meaningfull for someone else.
Because in the end, all my heart and soul really needs and wants, is to make someone else happy. I don't care much for myself, because I don't have any reason to think highly of myself.

But I guess in the end, people would rather die alone then have me nearby.

Got the hint now, I guess, I hope.

I just hope all of this will be over soon.
I just want to dissapear, no longer be a burden to anyone.
I don't want this shit anymore.

Got the message, I ruin lives, I breake hearts, I darken souls, I make people miserable and my presence is not needed, ever, for anyone.

Feel rather stupid now.

I just long for an eternal sleep now. Knowing that will leave the world a better place and soothe the hearts and souls of the people I really care about.

On monday I started writing the so maniest letter to someone I know for a long time.
But I broke off contact, because my ex-partner wanted to.
I understand why, off course.
I was crazy in love with this person.
And if I wanted my relationship to succeed, I couldn't be in contact with someone who had a big place in my heart and I cared for very much.
I wouldn't agree either if my partner would be in contact with someone he loved, romantically that is..
So I broke off contact with him, in order to fullfill the wish of my partner back then.

I don't remember if I ever said goodbye, or explained why.
I'm not even sure in what year I broke off all contact.

It's ridiculous it has cost me a lot of trouble to do so too.
It should be easy if you're in a comitted relationship, right? But it wasn't.
And I never forgot about him either.
Never stopped loving the person he was and never forgot what he meant to me.
He did help me through a lot of dark periods in my life.
He's a gentle and positive soul, an enlighting person.

I guess he thinks I never thought of him anymore the past few years.
There's no reason for him to think otherwise.
I wrote a lot of letters, but I've never send them to him.
Just wrote them and threw 'm out again.

And now he's back in my life.
When I contacted him again, my relationship was balancing between surviving or ending.
I'm too ashamed to tell him we're seperated now.
I don't want him to think it's because of him.
Things were bad between us long before I contacted him again.
And I'm not desilusional, I don't expect a new romance to happen any time soon.

I just started to write a lot of things down, things I wanted to say.
Not that I think it would change anything.

I don't even know if this letter will ever get to him.
Pulled all my courage together to ask for his adress, but off course he's not too keen to give it.
I think I come across as a crazy woman and he's afraid I might end up at his doorstep (understandable haha). It's been ackward between us too and I blurt out the most weird things, instead of having a proper, normal conversation.
He must think I have lost my mind (which isn't at all inaccurate, but then again, I've always been a wee tad weird, to say the least haha).

But I got to write some things down. And I hope I will leave the letters alone. Who knows, one day he will receive them.

I don't know how to tell him I never forgot about him and I regret breaking off contact, without coming across as the most crazy person ever.
I don't know how to tell him I really loved him and it wasn't just a fantasy I'd put aside the moment we stopped chatting, he was actually a part of my life and I took it seriously.
How do I tell him I care about him, even if there's nothing romantic going on? How do I tell him he's important to me, without him running away screaming because I sound like the biggest creep ever?

Ah, so many things I'd like to make clear and tell him, but I don't know how.
I don't know if it matters either.

Would he care?
I didn't exactly give him any reason at all to care.

Sure, he was a jerk sometimes too, not everything was easy.
But all in all, he's just a lovely person one can't be angry at.
And I owe him so much, I cannot express that in words and there's no song that can translate that for me.

I think some people just underestimate the impact they had on someone else's life and they don't realise there's someone out there who just genuinly cares and has a soft spot in their heart for them.
Regardless of what happened.

I miss the friendship we once had, the close bond.
I miss his smile and certainly his voice.

I've been worried a lot the past few years. I didn't know if he was alright. I had no one to talk about him either.
I made a promise and tried to keep it. So it was my burden to bear. Wouldn't know how to explain to anyone anyway.
Sometimes I just care too much.
No matter if the other person cares for me to or not.

I did think it would be easier, once I knew he was doing alright, my mind would be at ease.
But it's not.
First I was really happy.
Now I'm just concerned and I feel ashamed and I just don't know how to behave, or what to say (or what not, me and my blurting things out in the most ackward ways!!).
I'm going to have to be patient and not expect too much.
Just be open minded and be happy he's doing alright.
And even though we're not in close contact now, I can still be inspired by what he does, just like I just to allow him to inspire me to go on with all the things I wanted to do in my life.

One day the tension will be less and my mind will be at ease.
Just not now.
Not yet.

I imagined the day we'd be in contact again often.
But thought that day would never come. In my imagination, things were much easier. Which is quite a big thing, because normally, I don't do easy in my mind haha.
But concerning this, my mind made it seem so much easier.
And now it feels like a struggle and I'm probably trying too hard.

Now I must try to not be a creep (I'm creeping myself out!).
If I keep this weird act up, I'm going to chase every normal acting person away from me.
So, listen up ME, get your act together, start acting normal and as an adult. Yes, you once loved him a lot, but get over it already. Things happened and you cannot change that.
Live with the consequences and be gratefull for what you still have! Get your act together, quickly, before you ruin everything, just once again, don't be the failure you've set yourself out to be, be the survivor you've always wanted to be.
*c'mon, we can do this!!*

Hard decisions to make.

I'm not good at that.
Because sometimes, I just want things to stay the way they are
But that's not at all possible sometimes.

So, I have to make a few decisions.

One big decision I have to make, concerns my cockateels.
I love them so very much, but I cannot ignore that I'm getting more and more sick and have a hard time breathing in my living room.
I'm totally not okay with giving them up.
Have nightmares about it.

But, it is what it is and something had to give.
I can't take proper care of them anymore.

I already fell ill again last week of august and I'm not really recovering (it's been over a month now!!). Cleaning my house properly, is just not happening.
So I had to ask for a caretaker again to come and take care of my household, prepare food, help with the laundry etc.
They are not allowed to help out with taking care of pets (I can get that, it's not their job off course). There's not really any agency I can ask to help me take care of the pets in the house, that job just doesn't exist.
Not that I know of, perhaps one does exist, but just cost a lot of money and I simply wouldn't be able to afford it anyway.

Finally I found another doctor who wants to investigate my health case.
Only, my previous doctor refuses to send him my records... Damnit.
At this rate, I won't be able to see the specialist concerning my kidney, won't get to be tested for allergies, won't have investigated what's wrong with my breathing, won't be investigated why my pain is so much worse again, why I'm constantly fatigue again etc.

I'll be glad when my dossier finally arrives at the new doctor's office. So things can finally get started.

Also, I really want to be tested for all kinds of allergies.
I'm a real animal lover and I always stumble upon animals in need. Some animals, I can take care of myself, because I've got the skills and knowledge to do so.
I don't mind doing that, there's a shortage of people who want to take care of animals in need, so I'd like to do my part.
But if it turns out I'm allergic to some animals, I've got to find a quick solution, because no one benefits when I fall sick again.

I also have a cat now and I'd like to know if it's possible to keep the cat or if I have to find a solution for her too.

That all sounds very selfish, but the past year, I've had so many lung infections and I had to run out of my own house so often, it's getting ridiculous.
And no one benefits in the end.
I get to ask for extra help around the house, because the most simple tasks cannot be done anymore, I don't sleep well at night anymore, trouble breathing is really exhausting.
I can't clean out the animal's cage, which isn't fair for them either.
When they fly around the house and they come and ask cuddles from me, it's hard when I start to sneeze constantly, get a hard time breathing etc and have to chase them away, because it's impossible to handle.
My birds really need the attention and love and cuddles and should get them too!
They are very sweet and gentle.
I love sitting with them, giving them a bath, playing with them. It's just awesome.
It was awesome, it's not so awesome lately.
They just changed their feathers and that's when it's even harder to live in my own house.

And when I've just cleaned, I think the dust gets in the air, because the first 2 days are extremely hard to get by.

I know a lot of people say it's because I smoke.
And off course, that doesn't do any good for my lungs either. But if it was because I smoke, the sole reason why I'm struggling for a breathe, I'd also have those problems outside of the house.
But the only time I have those problems outside of the house, is when I haven't been able to get out of the house on a daily basis and had to spent a lot of time indoors. Then I also have trouble breathing when I do leave the house.
At least, if it's just for a short while.
But when I visit my mom for example and I'm there for a few hours, my head gets clear again, I can inhale much better, don't have to sneeze often etc.
At my mom's place, at least 2 people smoke indoors constantly. So if my logic still works a bit, if smoke was causing what I experience, wouldn't it get worse when I'm at a place where people smoke a lot inside?
Wouldn't that make it worse?
But it doesn't. That doesn't seem to be the problem.

Off course I still want to quit smoking. Another reason I want that new doctor to get going on me, find some good treatments for that stupid addiction. I want to get rid of it!

My health is important to me.
I'd love to hang around a bit longer, to take care of the people I love and do the things I like.
Perhaps even start my own bussiness.

So, I had to make the decision, as long as I don't know what's causing my trouble breathing and on going lung infections, I'm going to assume it's the birds (or at least, the second birth I purchased, for I didn't have these problems when my first bird was alone in the house).
I'm already in contact with someone who's intrested in taking them in.
I cannot procrastinate on this one.
I have to go ahead with this.

Certainly now that I'm feeling more ill again and have to ask for extra help around the house, can't get my gardening done, I need to have energy for my son as well (and I've been failing on that for a month now) and off course, I need to be strong for my mom too!
She wouldn't want me to be absent when she's going through such a rough time.

I have to put my sorrows aside, the birds will be happy with the woman who's intrested in taking them.
She's also a very nice lady, doesn't live too far away, I can visit them later on etc.
There's no excuse for me to keep the birds, just because I really love them and I feel like no one should just 'dump' an animal (but that's not what I'm doing, right? it's not like I'm sick of them and want to get rid of them, my health is in danger, that's something different, right?).
Off course I do feel guilty. I can't help that at all.

I work as a volunteer in animal shelters and I've seen so much in my life already, how easily people get rid of their animals, just because it's no longer new and intresting, or it's too much work or they don't want to pay for them, or they get into a new relationship and the new partner is not an animal lover etc. All sorts of excuses.
And off course I also stumbled upon the excuse of allergies and it is frowned upon apparantly.
It seems to be something new people came up with to get rid of their animals.
That makes me doubt off course. Because I can see why one would doubt my sincerity. Why didn't I have trouble breathing with just one bird? I don't know!
But I'm not looking for excuses to get rid of them. On the contrary, I'm still constantly looking for excuses to keep them.

I thought I could keep them if I finally got some help to get my house cleaned weekly, help to prepare meals etc, so I have some energy to spare to clean anything animal involved.
I thought I could find some money to spare to buy an air cleaner (but unfortunatly, I've got a lot of other big costs coming up, nothing I knew before though, so no, I wasn't prepared for these costs!).
Thought about a lot things, asked for a lot of advice and ideas.
But the one thing that would really help (air cleaner) is one thing I cannot afford this year.
I'm already cleaning their cage with a cloth to cover my mouth and nose and that does indeed help a bit.

I can keep on thinking about it, but it's not going to change my health right now and it's not going to give me good solutions right now. And right now, I'm ill enough to be concerned enough.
I don't think my mom and my son would forgive me if I didn't do anything about it.

Animals are important, in general, but if I die or get extremely ill, no one benefits, not even the animals.
If I want to help out, I must take care of myself to begin with.

It might sound ridiculous to people who don't feel for animals at all, but I've got a strong bond with my birds and my cat.
And I will cry over them.
I already have, more then once. It is hard on me.
And I will keep on feeling guilty and ashamed, even when time goes by.
That's just who I am.
I'm a person who needs animals. I need their unconditional love to get through the day! To get through life.

It hurts.

You know, this hearts more then my relationship that stranded. I'll cry more over this, then I'll ever cry over that relationship (probably because that wasn't a surprise and I knew it was coming and I had my animals, you know).
Nothing can replace my birdies.
Nothing can make me feel better about this decision.
It's tearing me apart and the nasty remarks don't help either.

Mourning... A lot of mourning to do.

Month is not starting out so well.
My mom has got a malicious tumor in her breast.
That needs further investigation and off course, treatment.
Soon, she'll have an appointment in a hospital to find out how it should be treated and we'll know more about how dangerous it actually is.

I feel really bad about it and I'm trying not to freak out.

Though the relationship between me and my mom hasn't always been good (that's an understatement), we became close the past years and I love how we get along now.
I never stopped loving my mom, even when it was tough and situations were bad.
She's my mom!

I've been trying my best to be a good daughter and make her proud and I think, every now and then, I actually succeeded.
She helped me out a lot the past years.
Even when she disagreed with my relationship and pushed me to start dating someone else.
Something she really wanted for me, a good man, a happy family, a good house to live in, days worth living, a better health.
I did my best and only failed on the partner part. Though she's very glad it finally ended now and said to me: time to find a better man for you, one you deserve and who deserves you.
(meant in a very sweet way off course).

My mom has already been struggling with things like severe back pains, shoulder pain, her knees failed on her, in short, she's been through a lot of physical pain lately and it didn't seem to stop.
But she keeps on going, keeps on working, keeps on doing her hobbies and keeps in touch with the family.
She even took care of my child when I couldn't and helped us out when things went bad between me and my child.

I owe my mom so much.
Sure, there's some painfull thoughts concerning my past (many years ago), but there's no reason to hold onto that.
We both have changed and my mom is happy now.
She found herself a new partner, she's happy with him (I don't like him, for personal reasons, but I can never tell her, she'd be broken if I did and I'm not going to ruin this relationship for her!).
They live in a nice house, his kids come by very often and his sister does too and has become some sort of friend for my mom.
She's no longer alone, can have the big christmass diners she's always dreamed about.

After years of doing a job she didn't really like and took away most time out of her days, she finally found a job that suits her. Not always pleasant, but she's got more free time and a good pay check (not that she's extremely wealthy, but she gets by, that's important and she's got some time to do what she likes to do).

With her previous job, I was often concerned I'd get a call one day that she was in a car accident. The long trips, how exhausted she was and then the times she told me she almost fell asleep or thought she had fallen asleep for real behind the wheel, because she couldn't remember how she got where she got.
Scary as hell, I can assure you!
So I'm very happy that she doesn't have to drive so far and so long anymore and not work so many hours anymore.

On all fronts, things were changing for the better for her.
My brother had a child in october 2014 and my mom couldn't be more proud.
Since she never saw the children of my sister, she thought, now she got to see another grand child grow up.
Dissapointing though, because my brother doesn't make much efforts to go to her place, or even arrange for her grand child to spend a day there. She arranged for a baby bed, baby chair, things like that. My mom did make a good effort, she was looking forward to babysitting etc.
But that never happened and probably never will.
My brother breakes her heart by doing so.

Unfortunatly, she missed out on a lot of my child too, because we lived too far away at that time and my ex-husband hated her very much and on top of that, she was still with my very agressive stepdad who promised to hurt my child very bad (not exactly a situation where one says: fine, you can babysit my child and he can sleep over for a night or two.
My mom didn't see it that way though, not even when my stepdad arrived yet again at her house with a gun, wanted to smash everything, threatened to kill her, or me, especially me.

But now the situation is different.
It's safe where she lives now, it's a warm house.

Off course I'm making up for the lost time and I wish it would have been like that years ago.
But I can't make my child a baby again off course and I can't have any children anymore.

Thankfully the son of her partner, is expecting a child!
She'll get to experience the pregnancy from close. They don't live far from her, so they pop in very often.
And I'm sure they'll get to babysit that child when it's born.
Something to look forward to for her.
Not all news has to be bad.

Gosh, I still can't grasp that she's got a tumor.
She's already been through so much.
I hope the treatment will be easy and not make her sick.
I'm hoping for a simple surgery to take the tumor out and she'll probably get some chemo to prevent other tumors to grow.
I hope it will be as easy as that.
Don't know what to do or how to feel if we get the news it has spread throughout her body.
I can't imagine it, I don't want to yet.
I certainly don't want to think worst-case scenario.
As my mom says: let's just stay positive.

I can still freak out later on.
I have to pull myself together, because my mom still wants to enjoy life and make the best out of it and I want to be there for her and make sure she gets a good life, even if we get the worst news possible (let's just say it's extreme and she would be facing a long and hard struggle and eventually die much sooner then anyone wishes, I don't want to freak in the meanwhile, I want to be strong for her and give her everything she wants, I can cry later, right?).

I love her so much. I can't imagine my life right now without my mom in it.
I don't want to think about it.
Off course thoughts like that do cross one's mind, because tumors and cancer suck big time and are life threatening. We don't have to make it into something it's not.
I'll just have to make sure I'm going to keep my worries and fears to myself.

She's already being burdened with her partner being really sick because of all the stress.
Just recently his brother in law died from bonemarrow cancer.
And now his partner is diagnosed with a malicious tumor.
Off course he's freaking out.
But that's not what my mom needs.

She should be given the chance to freak out if she wants to and have a good support.
But she's being tough again, and she's his rock right now.
Gosh, that woman is strong!

Whenever I freak, I'm just gonna write about it.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. That's okay.
I can deal with this.
I have to!
I will.

So, it's been a rather tough past weeks.

The breake-up is still messing with me.
I get angry at him, annoyed, dissapointed, sad etc.
Now he can suddenly wake up in the morning when he has to.
He's cleaned out his house (never did it in the few years he lived there and never helped me out like that).

I don't understand either why he's still so friendly. Not that we always get along, not at all.
Sometimes the tension can almost be felt.
But for example, he's still paying for my internet, tv and mobile phone. Last night I asked him about it and told him there's things we need to sort out rather sooner then later. He didn't mind paying those bills. Okay, fine, but what if one day I'd start dating again? (yes I know, it's unlikely I'm gonna start dating any time soon, I'd like to get to know myself first now).
My djembé's are still at his house too. He says he doesn't mind and I can come and play anytime.
Off course he doesn't mind.
He kinda dumped me same time I wanted to breake up. But now, he's acting as if we're still a family, as if we would still get back together.
When I told him yesterday there really isn't any chance of that happening, his only reply was: yes, so you keep telling me (I didn't realise I told him before though haha, poor lad).
It's so weird the way he acts. Isn't he angry or sad or dissapointed, doesn't he care?
It seems like my heart is more broken then his.
Or perhaps he's just dead sure I'll eventually get back to him (for who would want someone like me?).

But I'm not going to change my mind.
It's not just something I have to think about and put A and B together, it's also true that I just no longer love him the way lovers are supposed to do.
I don't find him attractive anymore.
That's probably because he didn't want to be with me the past year, wasn't exactly supportive at all, didn't want to be a part of our lives (and he's still sure he'd never want to be a part of our lives, in that way that we'd actually live together, do things together, be partners, support each other etc).
The moment he told me he would never want to be a part of our lives, because he just likes to live at night and play games, watch tv and just lay on the couch, is the moment my heart broke and my intrest in him faded away.
It made me angry and sad and made me wonder why I went through all that trouble all these years anyway. If he never wanted to be a part of anything concerning us anyway?
He told me he didn't want any trouble anymore. And by that, he meant simple things like just being there when I have a bad day for example. Just hearing me out, or just giving me a hug and put on something on the tele to watch to put my mind off of things I'm worried about. Simple things. But those are already troubles and conflicts in his mindset.
I'd still be on my own if we were still together, so it is easier now that I'm truly alone. Makes me less lonely and it sure as hell hurts less!

I asked him to finally sit down and talk some things through.
I know I'll never get any answers concerning our past relationship. But that's okay.
I'll just hold on to the good memories (not everything was bad, obviously, I loved him with all my heart and was dead sure we would get married and live a happy life).

But there's things we need to talk about. Like the finances, practical things (because now he's still doing our laundry, but let's fantasise again, what if one day I start dating again, would he still do the laundry or let me do my laundry in his house? That would be ackward, to say the least).
We'll see where that goes and how things turn out.
I'm already preparing to sell my dishwasher, so I can safe money to buy my own washing and drying machine again.

There's gonna be day I have to do everything on my own again. And I don't mind. Kinda looking forward to that.
It just sucks we worked really hard the past years to get things organised, some things in my house, some things in his and we just made it work. Since we both don't live in a big house, it was easy to put some things there and some things here and just go back and fro.
As I said before, I really didn't expect us to really breake up for good.
We had our bad times, but I honestly thought, when I had the surgery done and started to build my own life, we would be just fine, better then ever before, but I was wrong, very wrong!

He wants to be friends and I apreciate that.
But I think, friends are there for each other.
I can't talk to him about every day things that concern me, small or big.
He doesn't know about life events in our lives, mainly, because he doesn't want to know.
And if I told him, he wouldn't want to listen or, he'd try to comfort me and try to get me back in his arms at that point (get me at my weakest moment) and honesty, I'm just not going to let that happen, because I know, if I give in and fall back in his arms, the day after, he's not even going to notice I'm alive anymore, he wouldn't care a single bit. He'd just be annoyed by me.
Though he says not, actions do speak louder then words!

Then I'd rather be on my own, no matter how tough it is right now.
I'll get through it, because I don't love him the way I once did. I no longer long for him.
I'm still working to get over it, it's been 8yrs on and off, but the past 3yrs have been intense and promising for better days. We always ended up back together, so I didn't expect it to really end one day.

It did end and I feel relieved.

That's that.
Now I just have to deal with the mourning of what has been, could have been etc.

I can do this!!

How I wish he would fight with me. Or talk to me.
It's really confusing now.

We're seperated.
But sometimes I think I'm the only one who's sure of that.
If he could, he'd just slip into our lives again.

Does he not get it? It's done, over.
I don't want to get hurt again like he's been hurting me the past few years.
Letting me hope and dream of a better future, yet to come.
Always just beyond my reach.

It would be so much easier if we could set some things straight. Talk about some issues we had.
How we both experienced some things.

But he won't.

He pops by, sits on the sofa, watches tv with us, puts the lil one to bed, just as if we would still be together!
If I'd ever experience trouble with my ex husband again, he'd be here, to defend us, to fight for us.
But why?
Why do that, but not actually live with us?
Why would he only want to be around when things like that happen?

If I ended up in hospital again (due to health issues), he'd be by my side, he'd take care of me right there and then.
But leave me all alone again once I get better.
Why?

Sometimes I think he only likes me when I'm fragile, in need of help, dependant.
When he can make descisions for me, for my child.
Perhaps he needs something to push him to give that extra bit.
But I can't fake an illness or weakness.
I don't want to spend my life feeling terrible and complaining and being pathetic.

No, I'm not calling him pathetic. Or maybe I am.
I'm angry at him.

I'm experiencing the same kind of physical pain every day, the same kind of fatigue, the same obstacles in life, due to my health. I had dreams too, I had to give up, only due to my health.
I cannot have the job I want anymore, cannot persue just anything I like whenever I like.

But it's not worth it to keep on dwelling on the past.
Sure, we've got some stories to tell.
Some afwull, some pleasant.
Our histories are intresting, to say the least.

But that's over.
I'm alive now. I worked hard to be alive now.
It's not easy to be alive now.
I had to give up some essential things to be alive today.
Like my feminity.
Perhaps he doesn't experience it that way. But I did get surgery, to get castrated, just so I could be alive today.
That changed life in it's whole for me.
My purpose was to be a mom.
Now I'm not needed anymore, not as I used to be.
My child can take care of himself now. He wouldn't be bothered with me being absent more often. He finds his way through life with great ease.
I know, if I'd die today, he'd be alright. He's strong and couragious.
I can't get another child anymore. I had to give that up, just to be alive today.

I promised, if we knew for sure, that that was causing me to feel as afwull as I always felt, I'd go on with the surgery and I kept my promise. I promised to work on making life in general better, for everyone, and I did.
I made huge changes and I hoped he'd be proud of me, celebrating by my side.

Instead, he left my life.
He stopped caring.
No more conflicts, that's what he says.
What conflicts?
If I want to live together, experience life togheter, that's a conflict?
I guess it is, when you both have different perspectives of what that life should be filled with.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing an online game or watching tv, or reflecting of what once was and never will be again, the could have been's...
I want to live!

He pushed me to get to that feeling, the want to live feeling.
No more dark feelings, no more rock bottoms I couldn't get up off.
He pushed me to gain strength and courage and face life.
He taught me how to wake my inner warrior, mentally and physically.
I can fight now. I can stand my ground. Mentally and physically.
I can handle weapons, I can handle my vocabulary.

Yet, he left us.

I just don't know why!

I did everything he ever wanted me to and he left.
I gave up a lot of things for him, because I wanted to be with him and he just pushed me away.
No explanation.

Yet, he stills walks in my house and pretends everything is alright. We can be friends, right?
I can still go to the store for him, he can still do the laundry and we can still manage the animals.
But I don't think I can.

It hurts like a motherfucker.
He's right there. But so far away.
It's like I don't even know him anymore.
I don't think he's depressed though. Been there, done that.
Perhaps he's just stubborn like hell.
Perhaps he's always been like this and I was just too blind to see.
Perhaps I only saw what I wanted to see, believed what I wanted to believe.

Off course there were much more signs things weren't alright.
And not new signs. We had issues before.
But I blamed most of them on me. Since I had problems, I thought, it's just me. I'm feeling bad and I'm taking it out on him, thus he feels bad and the circle's round again.
Made sense.

Plus, my child isn't the most easy child, he's already been through a lot (to say the least!) and those two, well, they just don't get along.
Where he's very militant, my son's very outgoing, doesn't care much for rules and discipline, he doesn't fare too well on too strict measures, while he does extremely well when he gets drilled and ordered around.
(perhaps I should have bossed him around in order to get a good relationship? Yeah, sounds ridiculous to me too!).

The spark that once kept us from seperating completely, I feel is gone now. It's not just a moment.
It hasn't been around for months. We just had some sort of agreement: I leave you alone, you leave me alone, if that's not possible, you live in your house, I live in mine.
That's sort of how it's been the past few months.
A cold distance between us.
So many things left unspoken.

I feel a bit betrayed.
We got ourselves an 'engagement' tattoo. But we're never gonna get married, off course.
Why would he marry someone he doesn't bother to be around?
And he's not attracted to me any longer either. No matter how I dress up, or how hard I try, nothing would happen.
That's just really afwull, when your own partner doesn't want to give you a second look (or a first one for that matter).
When already in doubt if you're still a good person, a good woman, a good partner, a good mother, a beautifull lady and your partner doesn't even want to look at you, that kinda ruins your self-esteem.

Now, I've never done well on complementing myself, getting myself to lighten up and bring a smile to my face.
Why would I? I'm not that keen on living with myself :P
I can get why someone doesn't like me. I live with myself every day and I don't like myself.
I annoy the hell out of my own family and don't really have close friends that would bother to be around me.
So, yeah, feeling well about myself, is not something I can give myself easily.

And he sure as hell wasn't (still isn't) going to give that to me.
He wouldn't want to hold me, just to say: hey woman, you're alright, you're more then alright, you're the best and I feel lucky to have you. He'd never make me feel as if he's thankfull I'm still alive and kicking and fighting to get this thing going.
He made me feel (still makes me feel) as if it wasn't worth the try. Or even worse, as if since then, everything got worse, I became a worse person then I ever was before and now I just don't have anything else to give, since a woman's worth kinda gets thrown out of the window once she starts to age and loses fertility.
Okay, I would say that's total nonsenses when someone else said this to me.

But when you get post menopause on a young age and your child is very independantt and there's no one else around that wants to even take a secon look, it's hard to believe there is still something left I can give this world.

That's just something I have to battle on my own.
Find my self-worth.

It's true, no one can be held responsible for your own happiness, other then yourself.
That sucks.
I'm the one person I really don't trust, since I've always been trying to hurt myself. Now I have to rely on myself to get passed this. To heal.

Now I have to be strong enough to get over this too.

Don't know how yet.
It's all so very fresh. And I know, people who've been around me for a while, have seen this coming and aren't surprised at all.
But I kept on hoping for the best.
That's when you do when you vow to love someone unconditionally and spend the rest of your life together.
I'm that kind of a fool you know.
And I try to keep my promises.
How was I supposed to know he'd loose all intrest in me the moment I became a shining star instead of a damsel in distress?
How was I to know he'd be turned off the moment I could stand my ground? He taught me all of this!
He wanted me to be a warrior in every possible way, to purchase whatever dreams I had left in me, to shine as bright I possibly could, to find some love left inside my heart, some hope left for the world around me. He wanted to bring out the best in me and the moment that surfaced, he walked out of my life.
Oh well, he slowly dissapeared.

And yet, he doesn't want to leave completely.
I'd say, he wants to be friends with benefits, only those benefits would have nothing to do with something sexual or intimate for that matter.
The benefits would be practical and financial.
Or I could be his memory from the past, listening to the same stories, over and over again, from back when he was still more healthy then he is today, and when he was at his best (long before I came around).

I really don't know where this is going.
It's not going to be alright though.
Right now, it hurts really bad and I don't know if I have to hit him when I see him, or cry, yell at him, I don't know.
On the other hand, I can't really blame him either. We'be been through hell and back and everything he had to deal with, both as us being a couple, as helping me fight my demons, as fighting his own demons, as trying to be a rock for my child, as trying to ward of my ex husband, as trying to help me find the right path amongst humang beings and get the backstabbers seperated from the people worth putting energy into... So much has been going on.
Life happened to us.
He hasn't killed me yet.

For some reason, I do expect him to do so.
Why?

Because I hold secrets within me. Both secrets he's told me and I promised to keep safe (and I will, they'll die with me!) and secrets I've kept from him and will never tell him.
Some things he will find out.
And he'll probably not be pleased about it.
I did make one big promise that I broke.
I kind of always knew I'd breake this promise and somehow, I think he knew too.
Certain words could not be mentioned and he knew what I was thinking about listening to certain songs and I guess he's always known there's things he would never be able to give me.
Some passions we just don't share.
I keep on thinking, if he finds out I'm exploring some things again, he will feel very much betrayed. Allthough, I have never betrayed him in the true sense of the word. That, I'd never do!
But I did breake this promise. Though, we were already broken up at that point, it still feels like betrayal.
Why? Because he hasn't given up on 'us' yet in a way. He keeps on going for the 'benefits' of still being together, but not really being together.
He thinks that's enough to get around in life. We strongly disagree, that's for sure.

If one person has the right to kill me, I guess it would be him.
I think I'm the only that can get on his nerves so much, he'd actually want to kill someone.
Don't think, if things got really heated up, he'd be able to control himself any longer.
Love and hate, thin line, very thin line!
The longer it goes on, the more fire it gets within itself.
Unable to grasp it, yet you can feel it, growing, building up.
Something's gotta give in the end!

Or would we be able to grow some distance between us and slowly go our own way?
I don't know.

I feel, if there's so much history between two people, it can't just slowly fade away.
I don't think we can go our own way just like that.
I think something's gotta give.
He needs to make clear what he wants, what he expects me to do.
And it needs to be very clear, nothing's gonna happen anymore. After all that's happened, it wouldn't be possible anymore.
We wouldn't feel alright anymore.
We don't complete each other anymore, don't fullfill each other anymore.

We just 'know' each other, just friends, or enemies sometimes.
He's the one who knows how to truly hurt me and I guess that goes for me to.

Let's see if we can manage this as grown ups or if emotions will get the better of us and big fights will start.
Will we kill each other, either literally or metaphorically?
We'll have to wait and see.

No matter how often I give this a second thought, I'm not able to change it as it is.
Patience.
Not my best quality.

Life goes on, with or without a broken heart!

X

Whenever I write something down to blog about, just to get out of my system, it seems like I'm only able to write about to most 'simple' things on my mind.
It's not the things bothering me the most of all, or keeping me up at night.
There's so much more going on and those things are just the tips of the iceberg.
When I finish writing, it's good I got it out of my system, but I'm always left with the feeling I should have written about other things too, or more about other things, because they are much more important for me.

Now I want to write about it and I'm in a loss of words, my thoughts start to freeze over and I become numb.

Sometimes there's just too much going on in my mind.

I just hope today I can finally manage to participate in some sort of normal life again.
The past few weeks have been exhausting. Mainly due to my ill health, extreme fatigue (exhaustion would be a better word), a feeling of anxiety, sleepless nights and sleepy days.
Everything's a bit chaotic and I hope, I'm working towards a big turn-around.

I didn't pay enough attention to friends that matter.
I didn't say the things I needed to say to those I wanted to hear about it and I know they actually care.
I didn't get involved in social participating, because I didn't feel well.

It's hard to describe to someone what it feels like if you don't feel well inside your head. And the stigma of mentall illness is always lurking around the corner.
No, I'm not mentally ill.
I'm just drained sometimes!
And then I don't know how to feel: angry, sad, dissapointed, afraid, happy, extatic, filled with joy and pride, couragous, discouraged, ... Sometimes all at once happen and that's freaky.
Do I get to laugh while crying and celebrating while being anxious? Something like that I guess.

Trust issues have become a part of my life again too.
Not a big issue usually, but right now, I'm feeling rather fragile and then it gets to me.
People suck and that's just that. Not all of them, thankfully.
But most are in your life, not because they care so much about you, but just because they want to mess around with you.
And for some reason, I'm keeping some of those people in my life.
Well, I thought it would be for my own good to keep them at some distance in my life, just to make sure I could get a feeling of what they're up to, just to be prepared for whatever hell they would be throwing my way.

Doesn't sound very logically thinking about it now. Because, what has it brought me, other then a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of pondering thoughts?
I should cut them all out of my life.
I don't do well with those things, I'm not the kind of person who's able to shake these things off just like that!
Time to clean up this mess.

Other then that, I haven't been paying enough attention to my health. I keep telling myself I do so, but the truth is, I've been so exhausted and my mind has been so blurred, I haven't been up to it!
I couldn't find the strength to take care properly.
When I noticed that (too late, always too late!!), I finally made a call, so I could arrange some help around the house.
It's not that I'm completely uncapable of managing everything around the house. But I must admit, my health isn't so good I get around without affecting the rest of my life when I do so.
I have to be a good mom in the first place and second, take care of my animals and garden, then off course my family and friends and in the spare time left, perhaps I could pay some attention to having a nice time every now and then, an 'off time'..
Haven't had one of those in a long time, unless you count in hanging around on the internet or lying on the sofa as 'me-time'. Wasn't very much fullfilling though!
So, I called for extra help around the house, which gave me flight back to reality.
I dreamed my health was much better, perhaps I could even get to be cured.
But, I will have to deal with this the rest of my life and try to man up and ask for help whenever needed!

Tomorrow someone's gonna come over and have a conversation, an intake conversation, on what chores need to be done, prices to be discussed etc.

It will be hard at first. Knowing myself, being too proud to ask for help or not wanting to admit there's things I can no longer do.
But if it makes me sleep better at night, gives me the opportunity to live a better life, get a bit more healthy etc, then it's sure worth the pain in the beginning.

I don't like strangers in my house though.
That's always tough on me. Mostly those people, caretakers, are women too. One side, a good thing off course, I wouldn't feel comfortable with a man around the house.
But women are also nosey, extremly judgemental and always ready to tell you off.
Yeah, as if I really need you to tell me how lazy and stupid and unworthy I am! I didn't exactly choose to be born with a handicap! I don't want to feel sick every day and I'd rather clean out my own house and change my own bedding sheets, that's kind of a private place in my house I cherish...
And on top of top, it seems like they don't seem to get that I'm already struggling every now and then.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for talking, let's say I talk too much every now and then (okay, most of the time!).
But if you come inside my house, when I'm most fragile, I don't want to hear about how hard your life is, your struggles, your bad marriage, how tough it is on you to raise your kids, how much your back hurts, how often you need to see a doctor, how afwull your job is etc etc etc.
I'm not the kind of person who shakes that off either!
I'm gonna lay awake at night, just thinking about all of your problems. So when you come over the next time, I'll be cleaning like a madman, just be sure you don't have to do any work, I'll be serving you coffee, give you medical and health advice, sit down to listen to your problems etc and feel so drained afterwards and won't be able to move a leg for the next week, let alone, sleep at night again.

Oh no, don't get me wrong, I'm not pessimistic. I'm totally gonna give this a chance. I must.
I'm just reflecting on past experiences and how I let it ruin the actual help I needed.
It gave me stress, I let it get me down.
Extremely down.
One time, I allowed one of those caretakers to push me right into a depression. Right!!
The other time, I was so aggravated, I called off all help, for I felt so violated inside my own house.
I was really angry!
Why was I paying for someone to come inside my house, just so she could drop all of her problems unto me, then not doing the job she was supposed to do, leaving me with much more work then I had before, plus sleepless nights and stomach aches?
The blame's on me, off course.
I allowed it to happen!

So, I'm gonna have to try and figure out how I can make this work this time.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be cold and distant, but I have to change something in my behaviour, so I can get the help I need (I do pay for it, right?) without giving me extra problems, which would take a long time to resolve.

I'm also 'busy' trying to get the father of my child pay for the extra expenses he's supposed to pay for.
And waiting for him to make a move;
He said he wanted to disown his son. Legally no longer be his father.
And last time I spoke with him, he sounded extremly angry, again.. As I've known him for years off course.
There's just no way one is able to have a normal conversation with that man.
He just starts throwing tantrums your way and is blinded by his own vision and opinion on the matter.
He'd never want to acknowledge what actually happened and why I protected my child.
I wish he wasn't so stupid!
I know I'm too good looking, but c'mon, if there was ever the slightest chance the child wasn't his, don't you think I would have held on to that and not allow him in my life?
I wouldn't have told him I was pregnant back then, if it sure as hell wasn't his child. Not even if there was a very slim chance it wasn't his child.
I wish I did sleep around, so there would have been reasonable doubt!
I wouldn't have felt that I needed to tell him he was going to be a father. Nope, I would have stayed a single mom, no contact whatsoever with him.
Oh, how my life would have been so much better and my child less ruined! (as in mentally hurt, ruined sounds so harsh haha).

Ah, well, we'll see if I ever get a court order to undergo a DNA test.

Just when you think that fight is over, it starts all over again.
But it's okay, I can handle it this time. I hope.
It's exhausting, to say the least.

And what do I have to keep on telling my child about his father?
Sometimes it's extremely hard to stay nice and yes, sometimes I tell my child: damnit, it's not me that's being an asshole, that's your father, I'm not keeping you from seeing him, he doesn't want to see you, no matter how hard I try and I shouldn't even have to try, it's HIS responsibility, I just try for YOUR sake, not mine or his..
Oh my.
I shouldn't do that.
But no matter how hard you try, it's always a hot topic for your child, because there's so much unresolved issues, so many questions that will never be answered. A hope, a wish, a dream... But it will all be shattered.
And that makes me feel really bad.
No child deserves this!

Then I think, what the hell was I thinking? Ringing him when we finally broke up. I was finally free. I mean, he moved on, I moved on.
He didn't contact me anymore.
But I was pregnant and I felt it was the right thing to do to tell him he would be a father (in the logic: every man has the right to know he has a child).
Man, that was a big mistake.
Didn't I learn from the few years I've spent with him?

Ah well, that's done. Mistakes are made.
Years and years later, a marriage and divorce later, depressions and anxiety, personality disorders and extreme illness... It's in the past now.
Sort of.

I just became stronger.
Now the only 'demon' I still have to fight, is my dissability.
The one doctors kept from me for years and years and just laughed in my face and called me a whiny bitch, lazy, not wanting to work, crying over a little ache and shit like that.
It wasn't a little ache you scumbag!
There's actually a lot of things wrong with my body and it didn't get caused by my divorce, I was born with it!
Specialists have proven by now, by diverse tests, most of my ailments find their origin in my DNA (meaning, I was born with this and suffered from it through childhood as well) or were caused by ailments during childhood (before the age of 12yrs old).
So, no, it didn't get caused by 'stress' during my teenage years, my early twenties etc.
It DID already hurt well before the real life struggles happend.
The struggles didn't help off course, they just set it off in record time speed.
But how was I supposed to know, if I always got mocked to such a point that I just stopped mentioning any of it?
I thought I was being too sensitive and should just man up, put my big girl panties on, suck it up and move on.
How was I supposed to know that some of my ailments could have lead to dying?
How was I supposed to know some of those ailments would lead me to someday be bound to my bed and wheelchair?
Now I know.

Some dreams are no longer within my reach. I had to adjust my perspective of life in every way.
But that's okay.
I'll manage to deal with all of that someday. Not today, but someday.
Today, I'm still trying to be normal.

Someday I'll admit loud and proud: I have a dissability and I'm living life with it, adjusted to my dissabilities!
But not today.

Today I want to clean my house (but I won't be able to do so, so I'll just have to get back to bed, for I feel my eyes are already getting really heavy, unable to stay open), today I want to teach my animals some tricks (but I won't be able to, my mind is all blurred up), today I want to practice on the djembé (but I won't be doing so, my back hurts so much I'm almost crying, I'm not even sure I'll manage to get all my toilet visits needed today), today I want to do some of my hobbies, like drawing or beading (but I won't be able to, body is just not coöperating blegh!).
Today I'm gonna pretend I can do all of those things. Even thinking about cooking a very nice and luxuruous dinner! Fresh potatoes with nice veggies.
Dreams, ah, so precious!

Today however, I won't be doing much. I will have to listen to my body.
Take a nap again, try to relax.
Had to call off fysiotherapy, for it wouldn't be safe to drive that distance today.
Won't be able to focus, so no paperwork will be done today.
Hands are a bit shaky, so who knows, I might be able to peel a potato later on today, but there's also a chance I can barely force my body to lift a cooking pot to fill with water and just cook some rice or pasta instead.
We'll have to see what today brings.

For now I'll just take my blurry mind to bed.
Hope some sleep will get some things sorted.

No point in pondering about things, without the ability to change a lot of them.
Let's take care of my exhausted body and mind instead then.
Hopefully waking up refreshed afterwards!

Have a good day all!

X

Djembé lesson was great yesterday.
Well, that is if you only look at the moments where I didn't get those nasty comments from that one person.
If only I could get over something like that.
But previous season, he had comments like that every lesson, even suggesting I wouldn't even touch the skin of the djembé, basically not making a sound at all.
There goes my self-esteem!

I already talked to the teacher of beginners class last week, saying I really didn't want to participate. I threw in my lack of money (which isn't a lie off course, we're running low on money towards the end of the year, this month is very tight!!).
But she suggested I'd join in anyway, since I had way too much fun last course.
And we'd find a good solution concerning the money.

Very nice of her off course. And very much apreciated from me.

So, she said I just had to join in this week's class.
And I did.
I had my doubts though and I had sleepless nights, stomach aches, the usual things.
But I thought, let's give it a try. The class is more then this one person, right?
And the teacher of the advanced class is such a sweetheart and loveable person. I like his classes very much and love the way he teaches and when he throws in his passion, I get carried away.
That would make me forget the nasty remarks from that one other person, right?

So, I joined in. Beginners lesson, repeating the song we were taught last course and it was much fun.
At the end of beginners class, that one person came up to me, asking if I was going to remain to sit where I sat in beginners lesson, close to the teacher. I replied with: yes, why not?
And he said: well, it's extremely disturbing if YOU sit next to the teacher and you play off rythm, too loud etc. That makes it hard for other people to actually enjoy the class. If I were you, I wouldn't do so, it's disturbing..

Okay.
Hard time shaking that off!
And off course, I was too afraid to actually touch the skin of the djembé. No idea if I hit it correctly in anyway at all, no idea if I got the rythm right etc.
On top of that, class often got off rythm, but I'm quite sure it wasn't my fault, since I really wasn't making a lot of sound anyway, I payed attention to that (be quiet!!). Yet, I still get to be to blamed for that!
Like, what???

Wrote an email to that person, saying he had to convince his companion teacher to NOT include me in their classes, at all.
I hate to be the one who disturbs the classes.
And that it would most likely please both of us, me and him.
He doesn't want me in the class and throws nasty comments my way, I hate being the one responsible for the classes to fall apart and not being pleasant for everyone there. It's a win-win if I don't have to be a part of it!

I also wrote a mail to the other teacher, the one who wanted me in the class, saying I really couldn't deal with that.
My self-esteem and self-worth really aren't big enough to deal with those kind of comments week after week and not allowing me to actually practice playing this instrument.. I could as well just bring in a pillow and stroke that and probably still get nasty remarks that I'm the one ruining class for everyone!
Nope, it's not worth the sleepless nights, the bad vibes, stomach aches etc.

I love music, don't get me wrong. If I could, I'd breathe music.
Music, art, nature, the keys to my heart.

But I admit, I don't do well on criticism like that week after week, and well meant...
It's not just saying: you need to improve your skills, because right now, you kinda suck at it.
It's saying: I hate in those classes, you ruin everything, for everyone and especially for me and every time you touch the damned instrument, I cringe, so stay the fuck away, you disturbing piece of shitty human being.
That, I cannot take!
I'd rather NOT touch the instrument then.
I may look tough sometimes, but I'm not. I'm a fragile human being and I get hurt easily, probably because I'd never be such a heartless bitch towards someone else, certainly if it concerns someone's passion / heart.

Let's see where that goes..

Damn, I really loved thoses classes, up untill the nasty remarks that is off course.
And I don't know how to explain to the teacher of the advanced classes that I really love his classes.
He's a pleasant person and I always enjoyed getting a heart warming greeting, hug and kiss.
(and yes, he smells good too haha, a girl can have her pleasures too, right? ).

X

My 'forbidden' love...

Yes I know, I'm a grown woman, but still, I have a big crush.
This person makes me feel like a teenager again, that falls madly in love.

I've had an 'online' romantic relationship with this person in the past.
But I really was in love with that person.
So much, I dreamt of us being together in real life once.
We don't leave anywhere near each other though, so the chances of us ever meeting, are extremely slim.

I've been in contact with this person for many years, I believe a little over a decade by now.
I don't remember exactly when we met.
I was under the age of 20 I think.
And we met in a Dimmu Borgir chat.
At first, our contact was very superficial.
Talking about small things. But mostly, sharing thoughts on music and sharing a passion there.

After a while (well, years passed), we started talking about other things too, getting to know each other.
I learned about his personal life and vice versa.
Years later, we started an online romantic relationship.
He doesn't live anywhere close to me, so I didn't think anything would happen, but I sure did dream about it.

But, I'm a mom and he's younger then me and never wanted to get involved with a single mom in real life. And on top of that, my dissabilites became a real problem. I could never be a good wife to a hard working man.
He was still very young when I met him, but he grew up to be an awesome man. A beautiful man too!

In all those years we had contact, I got married, had a child, divorced, started a new relationship, been through a lot of shit etc.
When my relationship after my divorce hit rock bottom and ended, I got romantically involved with this man.
And gosh, how much in love I was.

At one point though, I got back together with my ex-partner, but I wasn't willing to give up contact with this man.
Off course that pissed off my partner back then.
For a while, he allowed me to still have contact with him, but off course, he didn't like it.
At a certain point, he told me, if I wanted to be in a relationship, I was to breake off contact, because it wouldn't work out in our relationship, him knowing I was still in love with this man and it felt like cheating for him, even though I tried to keep it on a friendship base.
But I could see where he came from and how unfair it was that I still had contact with a person I loved.

So, at a certain point, he made me choose, if I wanted to be in a serious relationship with him, I had to breake off contact with my online 'love'. And I couldn't blame him for asking me to do so. After all, I wouldn't like him to still be in contact with someone I knew he loved deeply.
And I did breake off contact.

Never stopped thinking about him though. Even dreamt about him often.
I didn't have anyone to talk about that.
What would I say? Hey, I dream of this man, that lives far away from me, that I have never met in person, but I'm still in love with?
Who'd understand?
I couldn't tell anyone how often I dreamt of him.
Visiting his country, trying to meet him and sometimes, in my dreams, I succeeded in meeting him, other times, the dream was really weird and disturbing, leaving me dazzled throughout the day.

I never forgot about him. How could I?
When I say I care for someone, when I like someone, love someone, I do mean it.
He always had a place in my heart and mind and never left.

I really like this person.
His character, personality, his passion for music, the way he lives life.
His beautiful eyes and his appearance.

Recently, my current relationship stranded. Wasn't a big surprise, was just waiting to happen. Things were always difficult between us.

With all the refugees in the news and my forbidden love's country in the news for different kinds of reason, I searched for him again, wanted contact again. To know if he was alright or not.
He accepted my friendship request and we had a bit of small talk.
Immediatly I fell in love all over again, like a teenager.
So silly.

But now things are all weird between us.
I honestly don't remember exactly when we broke off contact.

I would be so ashamed to tell him I don't just think of him and kept on thinking of him all these years, but that I still like him very much and he makes my heart pound just a little bit faster every time I think of him.
That would sound very weird, right?

I don't believe anything could ever happen, because I'm still a single mom, I'm older then him and my looks aren't all that well (and a beautiful man deserves a healthy and beautiful woman, so what do I have to offer?).

It's weird between us right now and I don't know what to talk about.
When we chatted for the first time again, he asked about my boyfriend and at time, we weren't seperated yet. I still had some hope we would get through our problems.
I don't know how to tell my forbidden love I'm single again.
I certainly don't want to give him the idea he's the reason we broke up. If only it were that easy haha.
I don't know how to tell him anything about my life and how much of a big part of my life, heart and soul he's still been the past years.
How much I longed for contact.

I'm just glad he's in my life again and I hope, one day I get to meet him, no matter what would happen if we did meet.
Just hanging out would be awesome, just meet the person I like so very much.

He's on my mind more often then he probably realises.

Right now, I'm just glad we're in contact again.
And I hope we can get some conversations started again.
I always loved talking with him.
He always put a smile on my face.

Not trying to force anything and I'm not naïve, I know nothing will ever happen romantically.

I'll probably write about him more in the future.
For now, I just don't know how to put into words how I feel about it all and how ashamed I am I broke off contact in the past and certainly ashamed I instantly feel like a teenager when I see his name appear.
But at the same time, I treasure that feeling.
And feel blessed he's a part of my life again, in some sort of active way.

X