How I wish he would fight with me. Or talk to me.
It's really confusing now.

We're seperated.
But sometimes I think I'm the only one who's sure of that.
If he could, he'd just slip into our lives again.

Does he not get it? It's done, over.
I don't want to get hurt again like he's been hurting me the past few years.
Letting me hope and dream of a better future, yet to come.
Always just beyond my reach.

It would be so much easier if we could set some things straight. Talk about some issues we had.
How we both experienced some things.

But he won't.

He pops by, sits on the sofa, watches tv with us, puts the lil one to bed, just as if we would still be together!
If I'd ever experience trouble with my ex husband again, he'd be here, to defend us, to fight for us.
But why?
Why do that, but not actually live with us?
Why would he only want to be around when things like that happen?

If I ended up in hospital again (due to health issues), he'd be by my side, he'd take care of me right there and then.
But leave me all alone again once I get better.
Why?

Sometimes I think he only likes me when I'm fragile, in need of help, dependant.
When he can make descisions for me, for my child.
Perhaps he needs something to push him to give that extra bit.
But I can't fake an illness or weakness.
I don't want to spend my life feeling terrible and complaining and being pathetic.

No, I'm not calling him pathetic. Or maybe I am.
I'm angry at him.

I'm experiencing the same kind of physical pain every day, the same kind of fatigue, the same obstacles in life, due to my health. I had dreams too, I had to give up, only due to my health.
I cannot have the job I want anymore, cannot persue just anything I like whenever I like.

But it's not worth it to keep on dwelling on the past.
Sure, we've got some stories to tell.
Some afwull, some pleasant.
Our histories are intresting, to say the least.

But that's over.
I'm alive now. I worked hard to be alive now.
It's not easy to be alive now.
I had to give up some essential things to be alive today.
Like my feminity.
Perhaps he doesn't experience it that way. But I did get surgery, to get castrated, just so I could be alive today.
That changed life in it's whole for me.
My purpose was to be a mom.
Now I'm not needed anymore, not as I used to be.
My child can take care of himself now. He wouldn't be bothered with me being absent more often. He finds his way through life with great ease.
I know, if I'd die today, he'd be alright. He's strong and couragious.
I can't get another child anymore. I had to give that up, just to be alive today.

I promised, if we knew for sure, that that was causing me to feel as afwull as I always felt, I'd go on with the surgery and I kept my promise. I promised to work on making life in general better, for everyone, and I did.
I made huge changes and I hoped he'd be proud of me, celebrating by my side.

Instead, he left my life.
He stopped caring.
No more conflicts, that's what he says.
What conflicts?
If I want to live together, experience life togheter, that's a conflict?
I guess it is, when you both have different perspectives of what that life should be filled with.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing an online game or watching tv, or reflecting of what once was and never will be again, the could have been's...
I want to live!

He pushed me to get to that feeling, the want to live feeling.
No more dark feelings, no more rock bottoms I couldn't get up off.
He pushed me to gain strength and courage and face life.
He taught me how to wake my inner warrior, mentally and physically.
I can fight now. I can stand my ground. Mentally and physically.
I can handle weapons, I can handle my vocabulary.

Yet, he left us.

I just don't know why!

I did everything he ever wanted me to and he left.
I gave up a lot of things for him, because I wanted to be with him and he just pushed me away.
No explanation.

Yet, he stills walks in my house and pretends everything is alright. We can be friends, right?
I can still go to the store for him, he can still do the laundry and we can still manage the animals.
But I don't think I can.

It hurts like a motherfucker.
He's right there. But so far away.
It's like I don't even know him anymore.
I don't think he's depressed though. Been there, done that.
Perhaps he's just stubborn like hell.
Perhaps he's always been like this and I was just too blind to see.
Perhaps I only saw what I wanted to see, believed what I wanted to believe.

Off course there were much more signs things weren't alright.
And not new signs. We had issues before.
But I blamed most of them on me. Since I had problems, I thought, it's just me. I'm feeling bad and I'm taking it out on him, thus he feels bad and the circle's round again.
Made sense.

Plus, my child isn't the most easy child, he's already been through a lot (to say the least!) and those two, well, they just don't get along.
Where he's very militant, my son's very outgoing, doesn't care much for rules and discipline, he doesn't fare too well on too strict measures, while he does extremely well when he gets drilled and ordered around.
(perhaps I should have bossed him around in order to get a good relationship? Yeah, sounds ridiculous to me too!).

The spark that once kept us from seperating completely, I feel is gone now. It's not just a moment.
It hasn't been around for months. We just had some sort of agreement: I leave you alone, you leave me alone, if that's not possible, you live in your house, I live in mine.
That's sort of how it's been the past few months.
A cold distance between us.
So many things left unspoken.

I feel a bit betrayed.
We got ourselves an 'engagement' tattoo. But we're never gonna get married, off course.
Why would he marry someone he doesn't bother to be around?
And he's not attracted to me any longer either. No matter how I dress up, or how hard I try, nothing would happen.
That's just really afwull, when your own partner doesn't want to give you a second look (or a first one for that matter).
When already in doubt if you're still a good person, a good woman, a good partner, a good mother, a beautifull lady and your partner doesn't even want to look at you, that kinda ruins your self-esteem.

Now, I've never done well on complementing myself, getting myself to lighten up and bring a smile to my face.
Why would I? I'm not that keen on living with myself :P
I can get why someone doesn't like me. I live with myself every day and I don't like myself.
I annoy the hell out of my own family and don't really have close friends that would bother to be around me.
So, yeah, feeling well about myself, is not something I can give myself easily.

And he sure as hell wasn't (still isn't) going to give that to me.
He wouldn't want to hold me, just to say: hey woman, you're alright, you're more then alright, you're the best and I feel lucky to have you. He'd never make me feel as if he's thankfull I'm still alive and kicking and fighting to get this thing going.
He made me feel (still makes me feel) as if it wasn't worth the try. Or even worse, as if since then, everything got worse, I became a worse person then I ever was before and now I just don't have anything else to give, since a woman's worth kinda gets thrown out of the window once she starts to age and loses fertility.
Okay, I would say that's total nonsenses when someone else said this to me.

But when you get post menopause on a young age and your child is very independantt and there's no one else around that wants to even take a secon look, it's hard to believe there is still something left I can give this world.

That's just something I have to battle on my own.
Find my self-worth.

It's true, no one can be held responsible for your own happiness, other then yourself.
That sucks.
I'm the one person I really don't trust, since I've always been trying to hurt myself. Now I have to rely on myself to get passed this. To heal.

Now I have to be strong enough to get over this too.

Don't know how yet.
It's all so very fresh. And I know, people who've been around me for a while, have seen this coming and aren't surprised at all.
But I kept on hoping for the best.
That's when you do when you vow to love someone unconditionally and spend the rest of your life together.
I'm that kind of a fool you know.
And I try to keep my promises.
How was I supposed to know he'd loose all intrest in me the moment I became a shining star instead of a damsel in distress?
How was I to know he'd be turned off the moment I could stand my ground? He taught me all of this!
He wanted me to be a warrior in every possible way, to purchase whatever dreams I had left in me, to shine as bright I possibly could, to find some love left inside my heart, some hope left for the world around me. He wanted to bring out the best in me and the moment that surfaced, he walked out of my life.
Oh well, he slowly dissapeared.

And yet, he doesn't want to leave completely.
I'd say, he wants to be friends with benefits, only those benefits would have nothing to do with something sexual or intimate for that matter.
The benefits would be practical and financial.
Or I could be his memory from the past, listening to the same stories, over and over again, from back when he was still more healthy then he is today, and when he was at his best (long before I came around).

I really don't know where this is going.
It's not going to be alright though.
Right now, it hurts really bad and I don't know if I have to hit him when I see him, or cry, yell at him, I don't know.
On the other hand, I can't really blame him either. We'be been through hell and back and everything he had to deal with, both as us being a couple, as helping me fight my demons, as fighting his own demons, as trying to be a rock for my child, as trying to ward of my ex husband, as trying to help me find the right path amongst humang beings and get the backstabbers seperated from the people worth putting energy into... So much has been going on.
Life happened to us.
He hasn't killed me yet.

For some reason, I do expect him to do so.
Why?

Because I hold secrets within me. Both secrets he's told me and I promised to keep safe (and I will, they'll die with me!) and secrets I've kept from him and will never tell him.
Some things he will find out.
And he'll probably not be pleased about it.
I did make one big promise that I broke.
I kind of always knew I'd breake this promise and somehow, I think he knew too.
Certain words could not be mentioned and he knew what I was thinking about listening to certain songs and I guess he's always known there's things he would never be able to give me.
Some passions we just don't share.
I keep on thinking, if he finds out I'm exploring some things again, he will feel very much betrayed. Allthough, I have never betrayed him in the true sense of the word. That, I'd never do!
But I did breake this promise. Though, we were already broken up at that point, it still feels like betrayal.
Why? Because he hasn't given up on 'us' yet in a way. He keeps on going for the 'benefits' of still being together, but not really being together.
He thinks that's enough to get around in life. We strongly disagree, that's for sure.

If one person has the right to kill me, I guess it would be him.
I think I'm the only that can get on his nerves so much, he'd actually want to kill someone.
Don't think, if things got really heated up, he'd be able to control himself any longer.
Love and hate, thin line, very thin line!
The longer it goes on, the more fire it gets within itself.
Unable to grasp it, yet you can feel it, growing, building up.
Something's gotta give in the end!

Or would we be able to grow some distance between us and slowly go our own way?
I don't know.

I feel, if there's so much history between two people, it can't just slowly fade away.
I don't think we can go our own way just like that.
I think something's gotta give.
He needs to make clear what he wants, what he expects me to do.
And it needs to be very clear, nothing's gonna happen anymore. After all that's happened, it wouldn't be possible anymore.
We wouldn't feel alright anymore.
We don't complete each other anymore, don't fullfill each other anymore.

We just 'know' each other, just friends, or enemies sometimes.
He's the one who knows how to truly hurt me and I guess that goes for me to.

Let's see if we can manage this as grown ups or if emotions will get the better of us and big fights will start.
Will we kill each other, either literally or metaphorically?
We'll have to wait and see.

No matter how often I give this a second thought, I'm not able to change it as it is.
Patience.
Not my best quality.

Life goes on, with or without a broken heart!

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