So, it's been a rather tough past weeks.

The breake-up is still messing with me.
I get angry at him, annoyed, dissapointed, sad etc.
Now he can suddenly wake up in the morning when he has to.
He's cleaned out his house (never did it in the few years he lived there and never helped me out like that).

I don't understand either why he's still so friendly. Not that we always get along, not at all.
Sometimes the tension can almost be felt.
But for example, he's still paying for my internet, tv and mobile phone. Last night I asked him about it and told him there's things we need to sort out rather sooner then later. He didn't mind paying those bills. Okay, fine, but what if one day I'd start dating again? (yes I know, it's unlikely I'm gonna start dating any time soon, I'd like to get to know myself first now).
My djembé's are still at his house too. He says he doesn't mind and I can come and play anytime.
Off course he doesn't mind.
He kinda dumped me same time I wanted to breake up. But now, he's acting as if we're still a family, as if we would still get back together.
When I told him yesterday there really isn't any chance of that happening, his only reply was: yes, so you keep telling me (I didn't realise I told him before though haha, poor lad).
It's so weird the way he acts. Isn't he angry or sad or dissapointed, doesn't he care?
It seems like my heart is more broken then his.
Or perhaps he's just dead sure I'll eventually get back to him (for who would want someone like me?).

But I'm not going to change my mind.
It's not just something I have to think about and put A and B together, it's also true that I just no longer love him the way lovers are supposed to do.
I don't find him attractive anymore.
That's probably because he didn't want to be with me the past year, wasn't exactly supportive at all, didn't want to be a part of our lives (and he's still sure he'd never want to be a part of our lives, in that way that we'd actually live together, do things together, be partners, support each other etc).
The moment he told me he would never want to be a part of our lives, because he just likes to live at night and play games, watch tv and just lay on the couch, is the moment my heart broke and my intrest in him faded away.
It made me angry and sad and made me wonder why I went through all that trouble all these years anyway. If he never wanted to be a part of anything concerning us anyway?
He told me he didn't want any trouble anymore. And by that, he meant simple things like just being there when I have a bad day for example. Just hearing me out, or just giving me a hug and put on something on the tele to watch to put my mind off of things I'm worried about. Simple things. But those are already troubles and conflicts in his mindset.
I'd still be on my own if we were still together, so it is easier now that I'm truly alone. Makes me less lonely and it sure as hell hurts less!

I asked him to finally sit down and talk some things through.
I know I'll never get any answers concerning our past relationship. But that's okay.
I'll just hold on to the good memories (not everything was bad, obviously, I loved him with all my heart and was dead sure we would get married and live a happy life).

But there's things we need to talk about. Like the finances, practical things (because now he's still doing our laundry, but let's fantasise again, what if one day I start dating again, would he still do the laundry or let me do my laundry in his house? That would be ackward, to say the least).
We'll see where that goes and how things turn out.
I'm already preparing to sell my dishwasher, so I can safe money to buy my own washing and drying machine again.

There's gonna be day I have to do everything on my own again. And I don't mind. Kinda looking forward to that.
It just sucks we worked really hard the past years to get things organised, some things in my house, some things in his and we just made it work. Since we both don't live in a big house, it was easy to put some things there and some things here and just go back and fro.
As I said before, I really didn't expect us to really breake up for good.
We had our bad times, but I honestly thought, when I had the surgery done and started to build my own life, we would be just fine, better then ever before, but I was wrong, very wrong!

He wants to be friends and I apreciate that.
But I think, friends are there for each other.
I can't talk to him about every day things that concern me, small or big.
He doesn't know about life events in our lives, mainly, because he doesn't want to know.
And if I told him, he wouldn't want to listen or, he'd try to comfort me and try to get me back in his arms at that point (get me at my weakest moment) and honesty, I'm just not going to let that happen, because I know, if I give in and fall back in his arms, the day after, he's not even going to notice I'm alive anymore, he wouldn't care a single bit. He'd just be annoyed by me.
Though he says not, actions do speak louder then words!

Then I'd rather be on my own, no matter how tough it is right now.
I'll get through it, because I don't love him the way I once did. I no longer long for him.
I'm still working to get over it, it's been 8yrs on and off, but the past 3yrs have been intense and promising for better days. We always ended up back together, so I didn't expect it to really end one day.

It did end and I feel relieved.

That's that.
Now I just have to deal with the mourning of what has been, could have been etc.

I can do this!!