Damn everything.

As I'm trying to sort things out with my son and his attitude towards me and all the risks it brings to me, my dear brother dropped some afwull things on me, leaving me totally baffled.

A totally 'what the fuck??!!' moment.

I went to the birthday party of his son, my nephew, who turned 1 last thursday and had his B-day party oct 31st.
All nice and pleasant and joyfull to see the family again.

But then my brother asked me to go outside with him. Off course he was already stoned out of his ass and drunk as hell. But that's when the guy starts to talk.
Gosh, how I regret going outside with him to smoke a cig.

To start, he said it was unfair of me for having a rant in the summer about him and his mate taking my son on a day out, while both of them drinking large amounts of beer and smoking pot all day long.
I said I expect someone to be sober when they take along someone else's child. He said that was unfair, because I know he smokes pot for years by now.
Well, no, I expect someone to drive sober; I don't care how much you smoke, but someone has to be sober when you take my son out!
Anyways, he also argued that his mate wasn't drunk anymore by the time they left. Sure, they started drinking beer in the morning and up till noon they drank half a liters of beer. But he stopped drinking at noon and drove home at about 5pm, so no way he was still drunk.. C'mon brother, really? And on top of that, both of them kept on smoking pot as much as I smoke cigs (and that's a lot, so in my opinion, you're quite out if you drink and smoke that much!).

Anyhow, I think he got that no one gets to drive with my child when they're not sober. I hope.

Then he started to rant about the past.
Oh my god, the past.
I remember I was going to make a blog post (well, several), about 'my story'.
But I did not think to be confronted with the past in this way.

He started off with how I was molested at 8yrs old (he was 5 and he's the one that went to call my dad, because something was totally wrong).
And then he said, everything went wrong from that point.

Sure, my parents got divorced and a lot of shit happened.

I guess the lies of the past are still stuck in his head. He should really have a talk with my mom one day, because I got to hear the 'you were the reason they split up because you're a whore' again.
Gosh, really? Thanks brother!

On top of that, he said he's waiting for the day I come forward to admit that most of the 'mistakes made' are on my behalf.
I was wrong.

For fuck's sake. Yeah, I didn't already hate myself.
But really, did I make a stepbrother have sex with my sister? Did I make the other stepbrother so hatefull and conspire with his mother against me? To even make me kill myself?
Did I seduce my elder stepbrother? He pushed me!
I guess he never heard the full story, not on my behalf, not on my sister's behalf.
Just what my stepmother told him, I guess.

He also said it was so wrong of me to run away from 'home' on newyear's eve, right after getting presents, and that it made it look like I just wanted the gifts and then, ungratefully, walk off with them.
Sure, I got a present, one that said (and came with that message): you're a whore, we hate you.
That kinda pushed me to run away, on new year's eve, for sure.
Because, you know, that's what everyone wants to hear on any day for that matter: here whore, we hate you, go fuck yourself, we'll do everything we can to embarrass you towards everyone who'd like to hear and see what a bitch you are.
So uplifting, right?

On top of that, he said, for sure, I was invited for lunch every other sunday at my dad's place and everyone is acting (yes, acting!) as if it's all okay, but in reality, they are pretending and don't really like me and wonder if I will stay this nice (I've always been me, but hey...) and they're waiting for the day I come forward (for what??? ).
In reality, they don't want me there and just pretend.
That's something that's not exactly surprising.
Kind of the reasons I ran away all those years ago and gave up trying to begin with, because I always stumbled upon this, again and again. If you hate me, let me go, leave me out of your lives! I don't mind.
I'd rather be with people that actually care, or be left alone.

He said that was just the beginning of everything he needed to get off his chest, when it comes down to the subject of 'me'.
I texted him two days later that I wanted to meet up with him again and hear what else he's got to say.
But he said there wasn't anything he needed to get off his chest again.
Hmmm...
Guess I'll be in for a surprise next time there's a family gathering.
I'll have to remember to bring along a huge amount of xanax, for sure stay away from the alcohol and remember to not bring my child when my brother's about to get drink, because it wouldn't be safe for me to drive my child home in those conditions.

Not that I already felt bad or anything.
Just throw some shit on top, why not?
I guess some demons of the past will just never let me go.

Some nightmares never end!