My 'forbidden' love...

Yes I know, I'm a grown woman, but still, I have a big crush.
This person makes me feel like a teenager again, that falls madly in love.

I've had an 'online' romantic relationship with this person in the past.
But I really was in love with that person.
So much, I dreamt of us being together in real life once.
We don't leave anywhere near each other though, so the chances of us ever meeting, are extremely slim.

I've been in contact with this person for many years, I believe a little over a decade by now.
I don't remember exactly when we met.
I was under the age of 20 I think.
And we met in a Dimmu Borgir chat.
At first, our contact was very superficial.
Talking about small things. But mostly, sharing thoughts on music and sharing a passion there.

After a while (well, years passed), we started talking about other things too, getting to know each other.
I learned about his personal life and vice versa.
Years later, we started an online romantic relationship.
He doesn't live anywhere close to me, so I didn't think anything would happen, but I sure did dream about it.

But, I'm a mom and he's younger then me and never wanted to get involved with a single mom in real life. And on top of that, my dissabilites became a real problem. I could never be a good wife to a hard working man.
He was still very young when I met him, but he grew up to be an awesome man. A beautiful man too!

In all those years we had contact, I got married, had a child, divorced, started a new relationship, been through a lot of shit etc.
When my relationship after my divorce hit rock bottom and ended, I got romantically involved with this man.
And gosh, how much in love I was.

At one point though, I got back together with my ex-partner, but I wasn't willing to give up contact with this man.
Off course that pissed off my partner back then.
For a while, he allowed me to still have contact with him, but off course, he didn't like it.
At a certain point, he told me, if I wanted to be in a relationship, I was to breake off contact, because it wouldn't work out in our relationship, him knowing I was still in love with this man and it felt like cheating for him, even though I tried to keep it on a friendship base.
But I could see where he came from and how unfair it was that I still had contact with a person I loved.

So, at a certain point, he made me choose, if I wanted to be in a serious relationship with him, I had to breake off contact with my online 'love'. And I couldn't blame him for asking me to do so. After all, I wouldn't like him to still be in contact with someone I knew he loved deeply.
And I did breake off contact.

Never stopped thinking about him though. Even dreamt about him often.
I didn't have anyone to talk about that.
What would I say? Hey, I dream of this man, that lives far away from me, that I have never met in person, but I'm still in love with?
Who'd understand?
I couldn't tell anyone how often I dreamt of him.
Visiting his country, trying to meet him and sometimes, in my dreams, I succeeded in meeting him, other times, the dream was really weird and disturbing, leaving me dazzled throughout the day.

I never forgot about him. How could I?
When I say I care for someone, when I like someone, love someone, I do mean it.
He always had a place in my heart and mind and never left.

I really like this person.
His character, personality, his passion for music, the way he lives life.
His beautiful eyes and his appearance.

Recently, my current relationship stranded. Wasn't a big surprise, was just waiting to happen. Things were always difficult between us.

With all the refugees in the news and my forbidden love's country in the news for different kinds of reason, I searched for him again, wanted contact again. To know if he was alright or not.
He accepted my friendship request and we had a bit of small talk.
Immediatly I fell in love all over again, like a teenager.
So silly.

But now things are all weird between us.
I honestly don't remember exactly when we broke off contact.

I would be so ashamed to tell him I don't just think of him and kept on thinking of him all these years, but that I still like him very much and he makes my heart pound just a little bit faster every time I think of him.
That would sound very weird, right?

I don't believe anything could ever happen, because I'm still a single mom, I'm older then him and my looks aren't all that well (and a beautiful man deserves a healthy and beautiful woman, so what do I have to offer?).

It's weird between us right now and I don't know what to talk about.
When we chatted for the first time again, he asked about my boyfriend and at time, we weren't seperated yet. I still had some hope we would get through our problems.
I don't know how to tell my forbidden love I'm single again.
I certainly don't want to give him the idea he's the reason we broke up. If only it were that easy haha.
I don't know how to tell him anything about my life and how much of a big part of my life, heart and soul he's still been the past years.
How much I longed for contact.

I'm just glad he's in my life again and I hope, one day I get to meet him, no matter what would happen if we did meet.
Just hanging out would be awesome, just meet the person I like so very much.

He's on my mind more often then he probably realises.

Right now, I'm just glad we're in contact again.
And I hope we can get some conversations started again.
I always loved talking with him.
He always put a smile on my face.

Not trying to force anything and I'm not naïve, I know nothing will ever happen romantically.

I'll probably write about him more in the future.
For now, I just don't know how to put into words how I feel about it all and how ashamed I am I broke off contact in the past and certainly ashamed I instantly feel like a teenager when I see his name appear.
But at the same time, I treasure that feeling.
And feel blessed he's a part of my life again, in some sort of active way.

X

Let's start with something easy:
Blog about Djembé and music in general.

Everyone who knows me, knows I'm quite passionate about music.
What I haven't told a lot of people, is that my dream ever since I was a child, was to become a musician.
But a lot of things held me back from chasing that dream.

For instance, I loved to sing, ever since I was a child and I tried to sing out loud.
But every time my parents caught me singing, I didn't exactly the best comments.
That destroyed my self-esteem and the dream quite instantly.
I was afraid to sing out loud, to sing when there were other people around etc.
So, I kept singing to myself.

Later on, around the age of 17, my mom told me I could sing really well, certainly when singing along to Nightwish, After Forever.
She said that after all, I did have a good voice and did a good job.
But at that time, I already smoked, so my dream of being a soprano was ruined that way and right now, there's just no way at all I can sing like that anymore (my voice is terrible now!).
It took me another few years to sing in the presence of other people, really sing.
Now my only supporter and fan, is my son. But he's kinda tone deaf, so how can he know that I can actually sing or not?
And I'm not gonna sing in public to ask someone else's opinion off course.
And I still smoke, making my voice sound more terrible every year.
I can sing a long to Meat Loaf, but still can't reach every note he's forcing out of his vocal chords.
Kinda gave up on that dream, I just sing at home now and try not to be bothered about how terrible I sound.
I just enjoy singing along.

I've always dreamt of playing an instrument as well.
In school, we had music lessons. I learned to read notes and play the flute and did kinda well.
But never played the flute for someone else.
I tried to pick that up again later on in life, but then I realised the music lessons in school were insufficient to make it able for me to read all notes. We just had a few basic lessons needed to play a simple tune on the flute.


I always liked a guitar too and drums and, ah well, a lot of instruments actually.
When I was in an institution for teens without home, we once had a guitar lesson. But the teacher said my hands weren't equipped to play the guitar. So that ruined that idea and I never really tried again, untill my son one day asked for a guitar and asked me to teach him how to play it.
I bought him a children's guitar and took a few online lessons to try and teach him some chords.
That guitar sucked big time, the sound was afwull! After all, it was a children's guitar, bought in a toy store.
And my son lost intrest quite fast.
Seemed like I was more intrested then he was.
But it kept on repeating in my head: my hands aren't equipped to play a guitar (so give up already!).
I didn't want to make a fool out of myself and we didn't have the money to buy a good guitar anyway.

When I was a little over 20, I did follow a few drum lessons with a local drummer and oh my, I certainly lost myself in those lessons (in a good way that is!).
And the drummer said I certainly had some qualities and with practice, I could certainly become a good drummer.
Then my divorce happened and without transportation, it was impossible to follow those lessons again. That sucked big time.
The itch never left. I really loved drumming!

In the years that followed, I tried to find another drummer to teach me, but all were so expensive and we lived in poverty. So, not an option!
I tried to keep on practicing on my hand work.
But a lot got in the way, like my divorce, poverty, my health, anxiety, you name it...


I didn't do much with my dream of becoming a musician in any way. For a lot of reasons.
Low self esteem certainly was a reason too.
I didn't want to make a fool out of myself.
And when one is feeling really bad about themself, you don't want negative criticism.

But years have passed since and in one of the homeless centers we lived in, we had djembé lessons.
Not really like how a djembé is supposed to be played, but hey, I could drum again! And I totally loved it.
Money was still an issue, so buying myself an instrument like that, was out of the question.

A few years later, my finances got better and we stumbled upon djembé lessons and I was quick to sign me and my son up, certainly because he really wanted to follow those lessons.
I quickly reasoned, if he wants to pick up djembé lessons, I better enroll in the class as well, so I can help him practice!
And we did.
I loved it, totally loved it.
I felt so much better, more energetic, after each lesson.

First lessons were simply awesome.
But after a while, one of the teachers kept on focussing on me. Not in a good way though.
I got told every time it was my fault no one kept the rythm.
Though, I tried to follow the teacher, follow his lead (he was the leader, after all).
But he kept on going faster and faster and the rest just followed.
He started telling me it was my fault every time.
I was the one going faster and faster and I played too loud and because of me, the rest of class was being disturbed and it wasn't fun for anyone anymore.
He kept on telling me several times during each lesson and always took away the djembé I was playing on and gave me a very bad one and told me: don't hit it like you're supposed to, just 'stroke' it, play as soft as you can, try to not make a noise, so no one can hear you play and lessons will be fun again for everyone involved...
That ruined my self-esteem again.
I don't mind being told I can't keep rythm, because that's an important thing a drummer needs to practice on and I had the equipment at home to practice on that.
But it got jammed in my mind that I couldn't play with all my heart and soul and believe me, if you play a djembé and you are not allowed to hit it correctly (by making a sound!), you can't get it right, you cannot practice well.

After a while, I didn't want to attend the lessons anymore, too afraid to disturb the lessons and it just wasn't any fun anymore just sitting there and not making a sound.
I might as well have brought a pillow and pretend I was trying to make a sound on that.
That's also the reason I didn't participate in the show our class did on the brunch.
Too afraid to make a complete fool out of myself.
I ended that season with a very bad feeling about myself, to say the least.

Now, a new season has started.
I signed up my son and for a brief moment, I wanted to join in again too. I so loved playing the djembé and I used to practice a lot at home, with my metronome by my side, trying to not get off rythm.
But after a while, I gave up on practicing at home too.

With this new season started, I didn't participate in the first lesson.
I was so afraid, had nightmares and felt bad about myself, but more bad that I would only disturb the other students.
The group is extremely warm and such gentle and pleasant people, all passionate about this instrument and drumming in general.
I watched my son during that first lesson.
Put a smile on my face, I just love drumming, I do!!

The teacher of the beginners lessons asked me why I did not participate, if I had lost intrest or not.
But no, I did not loose intrest, on the contrary, music is a part of my soul, in such a way I cannot describe in words!
But I had to say something.
I told her I simply did not have the money to pay for both my son's lessons as my own.
Not a lie off course, my son has more activities he wants to do and they all cost quite a good amount of money.
But the main reason, is I'm simply scared to death of making a fool out of myself, again!
Since I'm also feeling very fragile lately, I cannot take in the negative criticism, certainly when I get told I'm the main reason lessons aren't pleasant for others and I disturb the lessons.
I had nightmares about it prior to going to those lessons.
I was about to cry when she tried to push me to enroll anyway. She felt bad seeing me sitting at the side, while I could not hide that I really liked it (my face doesn't lie apparantly!).
She offered me the chance to participate after all, I didn't have to pay, just help out at the seasonal brunch. I tried to throw in my dissability and said: oh no, I cannot help out, I'm physically unable, so that wouldn't be fair. But off course, she found jobs I could most certainly do, like folding napkins.
I didn't know what to do or say.

A day later, I just wrote her an email, telling her about what had happened last season. I never spoke up before about it, so this information was really new to her.
I didn't name the person who was constantly on my back. I don't feel like I should do so.
But she replied to me that it was total nonsense and she couldn't believe someone disliked me in the group.
She said I was good on the djembé, picked up on the lessons really quickly, did a good job, my rythm wasn't bad at all, that in fact, I was one of the better students.
Off course, that's very pleasant to hear!
But the first day of this new season's lesson, the very person who was on my back previous season, looked down on me, kinda belittled me, seemed to be very happy I didn't participate and he just acted as if he wanted me to get out of there as quick as possible.
The energy between me and him, really isn't any good.
I never minded him, don't get me wrong.
It's not the kind of person I'd hang out with, but I'm brought up to show respect towards other people, certainly those trying to teach you something.
So I'm nice and respectfull. But I don't feel I get any respect whatsoever from this person.
I don't know what to do with this now!
Off course I can still feel the itch to pick up the instrument, participate in the lessons. Because, oh my god, when the advanced lessons started and I saw our African teacher teaching full of passion, I so wanted to be in that class, I so wanted to get practice on his teachings. Just amazing and what a feeling it gave me!!

Now I'm just feeling very ackward and very afraid.
Lately my life has become hectic again and I don't know if fear will get the better of me or not.

Not sure what to do with this.
The other teacher is still there and so full of himself (even though it seems like can't get all the rythms down himself... And he plays extremely loud and thinks he's the best player of all of them, while that's certainly not true!).
He intimidates me, to say the least.
I love the fellow participants and I like the female teacher and I adore the African teacher, such a passion drips off of him and that's just amazing. When he teaches, everyone gets excited, to say the least.

But what if I do participate and get told again I'm not allowed to make a sound on the djembé? What if I get told again that all I do is disturb the lesson and make it unpleasant for others?
What if I get mocked again?
I'm quite sure that would give me nightmares and at this moment, I'm on the verge of a breake down again...
I cannot have that happening!
I know, I shouldn't be bothered about it, but the negative criticism just sinks in my head and keeps on repeating itself.

I'll have to sleep on it again and hope anxiety doesn't get me down.
Because if that happens, I'm quite sure I'll be so anxious, I wouldn't even dare to face anyone.

So silly, putting my passions aside for just some a-hole who doesn't like me in any way.
Perhaps I'll go over to my ex's place tomorrow and try to play my brand new djembé (I bought myself a decent instrument shortly before summer, with the intention of playing it, but I never did, couldn't find the courage).
Who knows I'll get bitten by the microbe again and want to play it again and give me enough courage to participate in the lessons.
Let's see where that will take me!

This is a big worry for me right now, because if it turns out bad, I'll probably be afraid to pick up an instrument any time soon.
And my self-esteem will be destroyed again in a very bad way.

Let's just see how it works out.

Perhaps I'll find some courage and strength within myself!

I feel like there's a lot I want to blog about.

Right now, I cannot sleep, though it's too early to wake up.
But I can't get back to sleep.
What better way to get rid of of pondering thoughts, but to write about it?

Some subjects keeping me awake this night:

-My health

-My animals

-My household

-My past relationship and what happened today when we had a conversation

-My son

-My 'forbidden' love (or impossible one)

-My dreams and passion

-Playing djembé and music in general

I think, in big lines, that would be it for this night, small other subjects aside, like aplying for help at the social helpcenter, looking for a handy man to come and do some shores in my house, food (and living vegan), my upcoming birthday (yes I know, a month too soon, small things as I said.

I'll try and work on every subject by the time and sound less hectic as I usually do.
Let's see how that works out!

X

I write a lot about my recent breake-up.
Simply, because that's the least disturbing thing on my mind and the one thing I can get a grip on and is easy to digest.

Yes, I've got bigger troubles on my mind.

For instance, I'm constantly worried about my child. With good reason. He's a bit weird, he's a bully and we've got childcare constantly watching us.
There's a long story about it though. It's not plain and simple and not easy to tell how all of this came about.
I do love my son, don't get me wrong.
That's why I went through all the trouble I've been through. And would do again without a doubt.
But I'm so tired, exhausted and sometimes, really puzzled as how to make all of it work and just get some sort of normal life.
Just me and my child and make him happy.
I will one day write about it, I need to get off my chest off course, perhaps that would be a huge relief.

I'm also constantly thinking about the betrayel of people around me.
All kinds of people.
People I thought were friends, but are up to no good.
People I pay to do a job, but in the end, seem to be just assholes and want to take away your money, without actually doing their job.
People from bureaus like childcare, or even psychologists, or worse, a doctor!
Social care isn't all that good either.
Perhaps some do well with their help, but I haven't got a clue how to make sure to get the help I'm legally entitled to getting.

Off course I think about animal cruelty a lot too. It's a big concern for me.
And it's got my mind spinning as in how to make a change, a big change.
But it seems that me, on my own, can't do much, other then being vegan and try to take care of the animals around me (pets and wild animals).
Volunteering in shelters seems pointless. Often, they don't even want the help. So much jealousy and weird shit going on there (why?? aren't we all striving for the same thing?).

Another big concern, is our world in general and the societies we live in.
I just don't seem to understand how it all works, or better, why it works the way it does, what makes people the way they are.
Governments... Oh my...
Normal people constantly back stabbing each other (where's the love?).
Big bussiness coöperations and how it's all about the money and doing well on the misery of others.
What makes people such afwull persons?

My health is a big concern too.
I can't seem to grasp that my life is so fragile and at the same time, I seem to be a very strong person.
Quite contractive.
Sometimes I think I'm at peace with my dissabilites and other times, I just freak out, cry my eyes out and feel so helpless. The obvious 'why' questions come to mind then!

Aside my physical dissabilites, I'm fighting with my mental dissabilities too.
Sounds bad, but I'm talking about panick disorder, anxiety, depression that every now and then lurks around the corner, trying to find a way in to make my life all dark and grey and pointless again.
But I won't let it!
I try to deal with anxiety, with the help of medicine though.
But to this day, I haven't got a clue how to keep out depression and I'm anxious (yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds!) that it will strike me again.
I don't want to go through that hell again. Fought so hard to get where I am today.
And I've been happy since I had my surgery last year. Sort of, got my off-days too.

I'm certainly worried about my own family and my household.
And how to keep it all working. The struggle is real and sometimes extremely exhausting.

Other then that, I lately think about myself, a bit too much for my own good though.
Things like: why would anybody like me?
I'm not attractive on the outside, skinny as a skeleton, bad teeth, dark circles around my eyes (lack of proper sleep and kidney problems), saggy boobs, the whole thing, everything that makes a woman unattractive.
My character is very complicated too and there's so much I cannot stand from other people.
I passed the age of 30 and since then I do wonder, would I ever find someone compatible to live my life with or will I have to spend the rest of my life on my own?
There was once a day I never minded to be all on my own and never feared growing old on my own.
But since the relationship I had, I found that it's really nice to have someone around and I can get used to that very much.
I love someone to be around, share my life with, be happy with, fall asleep with.
I guess I'm not so special thinking about that off course.

Lately I lie awake of what other people think of me too.
So silly though, for why I should I care? It's my life!
But for example, I didn't participate in djembé lessons, because last 10 sessions I had a lot of bad commentaries from one person.
Telling me I'm the one disturbing the class, I shouldn't play so I can be heard (so I had to 'stroke' the djembé and not make a sound), I'm the one who can't keep rythm and so on.
It got to me.
The way it was told.
I don't mind I don't have rythm like everyone else, but I follow a class to be taught how to do so.
Being blamed by the teacher every class is a mess, because I participate, is kinda devestating for one's self esteem. So I didn't want to participate again.
Though now another teacher wants me to join in again, telling me I did really well.
Very contradictive.
How can I do well and be the one who disturbs the lessons at the same time?

I honestly haven't touched an instrument since those lessons, truely believing I suck at it big time and I shouldn't be near one.
My practise drum kit hasn't been out of the garage, haven't touch my djembé or any other instrument for that matter.
Just sang a long with some music, but preferably when no one else hears (I don't have such a beautiful voice, smoking fucked that up big time and fear in my young ages, made sure I never got to practise on how I should sound).

I let those things come to my heart and stand in the way of my own happiness.

There's a lot on my mind.
Sometimes so much, that it numbs me.
And then it's easy to just write about the relationship that ended. Because that's some thing much easier to talk about. It's not complicated why we broke up and why it didn't work out and how we are still getting a long, but without the romance etc.

I must try to breake up my thoughts in to smaller pieces, try to think about one thing at the time and write it down, get it off my chest.

Who knows, I might find the courage and clarity to write about the loss of my pets. Or the anger and sadness of the past years, how everything lead to this point in my life.
Perhaps I can write about the shame of being homeless. Or the day I realised I would never be able to have a normal job again.
Maybe even my passions for minerals and gems and making my own jewelry (I am a creative mind and love being creative, I lose myself in it, and find myself in it, it's what keeps me going).
Perhaps one day I can tell the story of my past marriage and the nasty divorce and how it fucked me up big time and how I let it, because I had no faith whatsoever in myself.
Who knows, I might even write about a secret love I've got. There's this one person that makes my heart beat faster and I was forbidden to have contact with, because I was so in love (okay, I still like that person, but I'm realistic, nothing will ever happen, most likely).

Now I'll try to go on with my day.
So many things still need to be done and need to be taken care off.
Hope today I will find the courage and the energy to do so.

Hope everyone else will have a beautifull day and enjoy Fall coming around.
Love this time of year!
And soon, winter again, when I start to blossom and feel all warm inside.

Make your day matter and enjoy it!

X

There's so much I'd like to say to some people.

But I don't.
I can't.
I won't.

There will be too much fuss if I do.
And I don't even know if I'm right or wrong.
I only know what I feel and what I've been through and I know that right now, my vision is blurred.

I've got to make priorities.
Haven't got a clue who is really worth my time.
But most important, I'm a really bad judge right now as to who I can trust.

So I'm quiet a lot.
At least, if it's about personal things.
I can speak up about my personal opinion on general matters.
And I don't mind admitting I'm wrong and misinformed.
But I don't want to talk about myself, my personal life, right now.

People hurt others way too often.

Just the other day, I allowed someone back into my life, back into my heart.
But for some reason, I can't seem to just shut up and not allow this person to hurt me.
I think everything's alright and we talk. And then I noticed a lot of mockery, a lot of negative thoughts about me.
And I wonder. Why do I do this to myself?
Is this really a friendship?
Even if I tell the person: I'm upset about this. It would not stop.
So... I stop talking.
I made it very clear, if you don't like me the way I am and if I'm too exhausting, too whatever, there's always a possibility to not get involved with me.
Are we not both adults?
Do you really have to put in some efforts, only so you can later on blame me for your own misery?
What do you expect of me?
If you want honesty, you're at the right adress, but if you want me to shit rainbows, I'm sorry, I cannot do this crap.
Life's what it is, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

I'm willing to take in the good and the bad of everyone I like. They can talk to me about everything. I don't mind and I don't feel as if they are asking me to fix their lives or problems.
I'm okay with just being there, letting them talk and not actually fix something.

Surely no one expects of the other to come and fix everything in their life the moment something is broken?
Is it really that bad to say anything at all?
If I mention to you that my tv is broken, to you feel obligated to come over and fix it, just because I mentioned it? Or do you feel obligated to give the best advice ever?

If you are, you're wrong.
You can just say: ah sucks man.. Hope you'll get it fixed.
No offense taken.
I can actually get things fixed on my own.
No matter if it's a material problem or a problem related to my heart or wealth.

I don't need people accusing me of being a burden to their life. If that's how you feel: take a walk...
Do let the door hit you on the way out, I need some laughter in my life too every now and then.

But okay, in reality, I don't think I'm that cruel. I don't stop at second chances, you get many more.
And I'm compassionate.

But there's no way I'm going to invest more time and energy into people that would never invest anything in me.
And on top of that, don't feel too good about me to begin with.
That's okay, you know, you don't have to like everyone in the world.

I just rather put my energy into people that feel good about me being around them.
And hopefully, later on, won't blame me for whatever is going wrong in their life (I'm not the master of your life!).

Made me feel so bad, hearing the rants about me, I lost sleep over it.
Ah yes, I allowed that to happen again. So silly of me.
Now I'll have to try and not let this happen again!

September is the month of heartache it seems.
But that's okay. I can deal with this. This too shall pass.
I'm looking for closure though and I notice, I want to rush things. Get it over with.
Perhaps because it's been going on for so long.
We've been on and off the past few years, but never stopped loving each other. Just stopped being able to tolerate each other.
And now is one of those times again.
Only difference, I don't see us getting back together again.

There's only so much a person can handle, and then everything changes for good.

We're not fighting. But we're not really talking either.
And we're not exactly nice to each other either. A somewhere in between stage.
I don't know if we will still get along in a few weeks time.
I haven't got a clue.

Patience is a virtue, I know. But I'd really like to get some things sorted out.
Just so I know how to get on with my life and how to organise everything for me and my child.

Now I have to take care of myself. Allow myself to grief, but at the same time, make sure I'm not heading towards a major catastrophe I will no longer be able to handle.
Food and rest are so important now.
But I'd like to curl up, crawl in bed and cry and be pathetic for a while.


Just recently I have still been defending my relationship.
Off course I saw what others meant when they discribed all our obstacles, but surely, true love can overcome everything, right?
If only I'd try hard enough, things would turn out just fine and my man would be so happy and willing to live life right next to us, with us, for us.
But I was so wrong.
The obstacles couldn't have been overcome.
They could have been ignored, surely. But what good is a miserable life to everyone involved?
How would that make anyone a better person and add to their life?
It wouldn't have.
It would have destroyed everyone involved.

I still can't think straight.
I'm trying to get a hold on all of this.
The thing is, I don't feel as far as sad as I think I would when my relationship would finally get to an end.
I feel relieved.
I feel motivated to deal with all the other obstacles in life on my own. I feel a will to make my own life better, so I can be a better mom, better friend, better daughter, better pet owner, become more creative, fullfill my dreams, create a present and near-future I can be proud of.
I feel like I will be able to breathe soon.
I guess I never realised how suffocating it really was and how it was slowing everything else down.

For the first time in a long time, I'm even looking forward to my birthday and I'm willing to make it a good one for myself.

So far, I'm not panicking yet because I have to do things on my own, all on my own, since a long time. Before, when we'd split up, it was never really 'over'. And we kept close contact.
Now I can feel how there's a cold distance between us. A misunderstanding neither one is willing to talk about, to clarify, because we know the other won't be able to grasp it. Because we know we've both got a different perspective, different wishes in life, different things that make us happy and they don't go well together.
It's useless to even try to explain to the other.
All we can say is: I love(d) you, I care(d) for you, I like(d) you, but now it's over and I wish you the best of luck in your future life; you'll always have a piece of my heart, but now all we'll have to hold on to, is the memory of how things once were and where we thought we were heading.

I'm not angry at him, not at myself. I don't know what makes me so angry about this.
I know I'm angry.
And sad.
If I say I love someone, I really do mean so. I'm such a hopeless romantic, love can consume me.
And I let it.
I loved it.
I held on to it.
It was a good way to get away from the responsibility to my own happiness and self-love, which a person with low self-esteem likes off course. I was responsible for his happiness and he was for mine. So when I felt miserable, it was his fault and vice versa.
Now I'm on my own. And I have to make sure I'm doing fine, because when I fall apart, I cannot be a mom. Been there, done that, almost ended in disaster.
I'm much stronger now.
The mirror reflects my face and for once, I'm not hating myself.
I'm proud of how far I've come, even when no one else is. I know what battles I've had and which I still have and how I'm coping with them.
I can pass on this strength to my child and he is so much happier now too.

My ex-partner was like a father to him.
Though the past year, he withdrew himself and my son felt like he was missing out.
Off course a break-up also means my child will have to breake up with that person.
To my surprise, he doesn't feel bad about it all. There were once different times. But even my son knows, this can't go on much longer. We were missing out on a lot of things and we were getting hurt often.
Love is worth a lot, very true.
But not worth your own life falling apart, losing yourself over it, in the end having to look back at your life and only have this to say: if only, if only it were so...
No, when the heartache is over, this should call for a little celebration. Not because he was a prick, but because I found the strength to actually move forward in life, to give myself the present of joy and happiness and trust on my own.
And still have love left in my heart to share with others around me.

When the heartache is over, I can give myself a pat on the shoulder: I did it! I broke free from something that was destroying me, when I still had so much more to give.
And I didn't allow the situation to let my heart become all dark and black and cold.
No, I'm still open-minded. Can't see myself jumping into an intense relationship any time soon, but there's no rush anyway.

The first relationship I have to be really involved with right now, is a good one with myself, my heart and my soul.
Let the healing begin!!

Let me find out who I really am, independent, alone, but not lonely, fragile, but not weak, grieving, but not depressed.
I can do this.

I will enjoy this life.
Because it's the only life I've got and because I can!! I owe it to myself, to my son, to the people who stood by me, who helped me through the worst of my life.
I have to show that I can make my life the best of it.
Courage. There is still some left in me.
I must, I want to.

My beautiful son, I owe it to him.
Just to be the best of me.

Ponderings of the latest weeks.

A lot of things have happenned.
As always I guess. In my life, it's never really quiet, unless I'm extremely ill and lie on the sofa or bed all day long.
But, even those days are over, at least, the ever-lasting days of not being able to move.

I'm glad summer is over.
It sure was an eye opener.
I removed some so-called friends from my life. I still don't know why they wanted to 'use' me. I mean, of what value can I be?
Those so-called friends were 'spiritual' people. But all they really did, was dragging me down in their mess, a lot of gossiping, manipulating etc. How is that spiritual?
And don't forget the jealousy and hatred towards each other!
It took me a while, but after the so maniest lies I caught a few people on, I just called it quits.
Just push that 'remove friend' button and no longer ask any questions. It's not like I'm gonna get the answers I really want anyway.
That chapter is closed.

Not spirituality on its own off course. One doesn't just stop being spiritual.
I don't feel the need to practise on it though.
Why would I want to read tarot cards, use my pendulums daily, try to get in contact with whatever god or angel? Nah...
And I certainnly don't feel for connecting with spirits.
Most spiritual working people do so, for helping other people.
But... The thing is, I don't really like people, not all people off course, but most of them.
So why would I want to try something that would me putting myself available for all kinds of people all day and night long, trying to lend them a hand, when in fact, I'd be the one being stabbed in the back.
As if there are really so many greatfull people out there? Hell no.

I tried to join a coven just before summer too.
It was a very pleasant meeting.
But aparantly one of the members, someone I used to be friends with, found I wasn't putting in enough effort.
Because I'm not able to drive my car for about an hour or so, and then join a meeting that lasts a few hours and then being able to drive home safely. I still cannot do that on a regular basis.
I told her so, I wouldn't be able to attend every week, most likely not even every month.
For one or another reason, she got offended by that.
Started giving me a hard time.
I called the high priestess to apologise I wasn't present at a certain event. I lost the adress and realised too late (typical me), I tried to call and I've sent a text message, but preps were already going on, so she missed my calls off course.
But, she didn't find it a problem.
She said I was welcome whenever I wanted. But I told her about that 'friend' and it didn't make me feel good knowing I'd join a meeting where there's at least one person that started hating me over something extremely petty.
Thankfully she understood that.
That chapter's done and over with too.
I'm still invited to join in whenever I want, apparantly some did enjoy my presence, but ... I mean... No, such a long drive, so much energy to put into it, just to be told off later on? Nope. Just a big nope. I'd rather spend my time in different ways.

My relationship took a turn for the worst this summer.
I haven't told a lot of people about it.
Simply because I'm ashamed that the same thing has happened again. It's nothing new.
But you know, if you love someone and care for them, you try to make it work.
Seems like I'm the only one who wanted it to work.
I let him knows on several occations it wasn't going well and I wasn't feeling good at all about the way he was treating us. Not at all!
But, he just walked away, again.
So, I told him to stay away, unless he really wanted to work on the relationship for the better.
Guess what? I haven't seen him since! Not in my house that is.
I went to visit him though, but our main conversations went through text messages. How stupid is that?
Anyhow, he chooses to live a life where he doesn't get to see us, doesn't need to spend time with us and he just doesn't want any more conflicts (and just paying a bill seems to be a conflict??? just spending quality time together: yes, conflict... Ah well... fuck it then).
There's more to say about that relationship gone to waste.
I can complain a lot.
But it is my own fault it lasted this long to begin with!
As I said, not the first time we got to this point, but I always thought: hey, it's love, perhaps if I just try a bit harder, things will work out. I don't want to be the one who quits too soon or with every lil bump in the road.
But I should have ended it so much sooner.
So much heart ache I would NOT have had.
And my son would have been spared too!
I've been selfish and extremely stupid.. Why the hell did I think he'd want to spend his life with us?
He usually acts as if we are so extremely stupid, dumb, a burden and doesn't want to do things with us at all.
And towards me: c'mon, he didn't even want to look at me... Hold me, touch me. Kisses, what it that for a weird beast? Nope, even that didn't excist in our 'relationship'.

He was basically a sack of potatoes (a very grumpy one) sleeping in my bed during the day, waking up late in the afternoon or in the evening, then occupying my sofa and being grumpy all over again, popping pills (pain meds) and being angered when I wanted peace and quiet in the evening (I do wake up in the morning and try to live a life, so I'm tired at night... and I usually like to go to bed at night you know).
He just watched tv and when the tv didn't work or didn't record sth he really wanted, it was quite a big drama...
Pff it's just a tv show! Or just a movie! It's not like you can never ever see that again.
And there are other things to do then just watching tv...
Our main conversations?
Actors, movies, shows, what happened in the movies or shows, how it sucks that a certain tv show didn't record. Yes, even fights if I had erased something that I watched, not knowing he wanted to see it too... Oh my, big drama (for real?? yes!).

I'll probably write about this again some time.
Just to get it off my chest.

Right now I need to get my mind set on other things.
I'm going to answer my dear friend via mail.
She always puts a smile on my face and warms up my heart.
Such a lovely soul and I'm so very blessed I met her and she still wants to be in contact with me.
Perhaps one day, I'll get to meet her!

More writings soon to follow, off course not all about my by-gone relationship.
That would get extremely boring hehe. Even I'm bored with it.

X