Hard decisions to make.

I'm not good at that.
Because sometimes, I just want things to stay the way they are
But that's not at all possible sometimes.

So, I have to make a few decisions.

One big decision I have to make, concerns my cockateels.
I love them so very much, but I cannot ignore that I'm getting more and more sick and have a hard time breathing in my living room.
I'm totally not okay with giving them up.
Have nightmares about it.

But, it is what it is and something had to give.
I can't take proper care of them anymore.

I already fell ill again last week of august and I'm not really recovering (it's been over a month now!!). Cleaning my house properly, is just not happening.
So I had to ask for a caretaker again to come and take care of my household, prepare food, help with the laundry etc.
They are not allowed to help out with taking care of pets (I can get that, it's not their job off course). There's not really any agency I can ask to help me take care of the pets in the house, that job just doesn't exist.
Not that I know of, perhaps one does exist, but just cost a lot of money and I simply wouldn't be able to afford it anyway.

Finally I found another doctor who wants to investigate my health case.
Only, my previous doctor refuses to send him my records... Damnit.
At this rate, I won't be able to see the specialist concerning my kidney, won't get to be tested for allergies, won't have investigated what's wrong with my breathing, won't be investigated why my pain is so much worse again, why I'm constantly fatigue again etc.

I'll be glad when my dossier finally arrives at the new doctor's office. So things can finally get started.

Also, I really want to be tested for all kinds of allergies.
I'm a real animal lover and I always stumble upon animals in need. Some animals, I can take care of myself, because I've got the skills and knowledge to do so.
I don't mind doing that, there's a shortage of people who want to take care of animals in need, so I'd like to do my part.
But if it turns out I'm allergic to some animals, I've got to find a quick solution, because no one benefits when I fall sick again.

I also have a cat now and I'd like to know if it's possible to keep the cat or if I have to find a solution for her too.

That all sounds very selfish, but the past year, I've had so many lung infections and I had to run out of my own house so often, it's getting ridiculous.
And no one benefits in the end.
I get to ask for extra help around the house, because the most simple tasks cannot be done anymore, I don't sleep well at night anymore, trouble breathing is really exhausting.
I can't clean out the animal's cage, which isn't fair for them either.
When they fly around the house and they come and ask cuddles from me, it's hard when I start to sneeze constantly, get a hard time breathing etc and have to chase them away, because it's impossible to handle.
My birds really need the attention and love and cuddles and should get them too!
They are very sweet and gentle.
I love sitting with them, giving them a bath, playing with them. It's just awesome.
It was awesome, it's not so awesome lately.
They just changed their feathers and that's when it's even harder to live in my own house.

And when I've just cleaned, I think the dust gets in the air, because the first 2 days are extremely hard to get by.

I know a lot of people say it's because I smoke.
And off course, that doesn't do any good for my lungs either. But if it was because I smoke, the sole reason why I'm struggling for a breathe, I'd also have those problems outside of the house.
But the only time I have those problems outside of the house, is when I haven't been able to get out of the house on a daily basis and had to spent a lot of time indoors. Then I also have trouble breathing when I do leave the house.
At least, if it's just for a short while.
But when I visit my mom for example and I'm there for a few hours, my head gets clear again, I can inhale much better, don't have to sneeze often etc.
At my mom's place, at least 2 people smoke indoors constantly. So if my logic still works a bit, if smoke was causing what I experience, wouldn't it get worse when I'm at a place where people smoke a lot inside?
Wouldn't that make it worse?
But it doesn't. That doesn't seem to be the problem.

Off course I still want to quit smoking. Another reason I want that new doctor to get going on me, find some good treatments for that stupid addiction. I want to get rid of it!

My health is important to me.
I'd love to hang around a bit longer, to take care of the people I love and do the things I like.
Perhaps even start my own bussiness.

So, I had to make the decision, as long as I don't know what's causing my trouble breathing and on going lung infections, I'm going to assume it's the birds (or at least, the second birth I purchased, for I didn't have these problems when my first bird was alone in the house).
I'm already in contact with someone who's intrested in taking them in.
I cannot procrastinate on this one.
I have to go ahead with this.

Certainly now that I'm feeling more ill again and have to ask for extra help around the house, can't get my gardening done, I need to have energy for my son as well (and I've been failing on that for a month now) and off course, I need to be strong for my mom too!
She wouldn't want me to be absent when she's going through such a rough time.

I have to put my sorrows aside, the birds will be happy with the woman who's intrested in taking them.
She's also a very nice lady, doesn't live too far away, I can visit them later on etc.
There's no excuse for me to keep the birds, just because I really love them and I feel like no one should just 'dump' an animal (but that's not what I'm doing, right? it's not like I'm sick of them and want to get rid of them, my health is in danger, that's something different, right?).
Off course I do feel guilty. I can't help that at all.

I work as a volunteer in animal shelters and I've seen so much in my life already, how easily people get rid of their animals, just because it's no longer new and intresting, or it's too much work or they don't want to pay for them, or they get into a new relationship and the new partner is not an animal lover etc. All sorts of excuses.
And off course I also stumbled upon the excuse of allergies and it is frowned upon apparantly.
It seems to be something new people came up with to get rid of their animals.
That makes me doubt off course. Because I can see why one would doubt my sincerity. Why didn't I have trouble breathing with just one bird? I don't know!
But I'm not looking for excuses to get rid of them. On the contrary, I'm still constantly looking for excuses to keep them.

I thought I could keep them if I finally got some help to get my house cleaned weekly, help to prepare meals etc, so I have some energy to spare to clean anything animal involved.
I thought I could find some money to spare to buy an air cleaner (but unfortunatly, I've got a lot of other big costs coming up, nothing I knew before though, so no, I wasn't prepared for these costs!).
Thought about a lot things, asked for a lot of advice and ideas.
But the one thing that would really help (air cleaner) is one thing I cannot afford this year.
I'm already cleaning their cage with a cloth to cover my mouth and nose and that does indeed help a bit.

I can keep on thinking about it, but it's not going to change my health right now and it's not going to give me good solutions right now. And right now, I'm ill enough to be concerned enough.
I don't think my mom and my son would forgive me if I didn't do anything about it.

Animals are important, in general, but if I die or get extremely ill, no one benefits, not even the animals.
If I want to help out, I must take care of myself to begin with.

It might sound ridiculous to people who don't feel for animals at all, but I've got a strong bond with my birds and my cat.
And I will cry over them.
I already have, more then once. It is hard on me.
And I will keep on feeling guilty and ashamed, even when time goes by.
That's just who I am.
I'm a person who needs animals. I need their unconditional love to get through the day! To get through life.

It hurts.

You know, this hearts more then my relationship that stranded. I'll cry more over this, then I'll ever cry over that relationship (probably because that wasn't a surprise and I knew it was coming and I had my animals, you know).
Nothing can replace my birdies.
Nothing can make me feel better about this decision.
It's tearing me apart and the nasty remarks don't help either.

Mourning... A lot of mourning to do.