It's obvious that this month, yet again, like ever year, I don't feel well. At all!

I've got a big part in this, off course. I live my own life. No one else is master of my life, but me.

Every year, in october, I feel very bad and every time it comes lurking around the corner, I think, I can get this shit this time. This year, I'm going to be alright!
I'm even going to celebrate my birthday, I'm going to have fun and be pleased with me. Actually celebrate me being born, my own life.
And every year, the closer it comes, the more down I get.

Looking back on FB posts, I can see that it starts to peek at my brother's birthday. Never noticed that before, but with these 'memories to look back unto' thing, I can see that every year, on his birthday, I play this same song. The Crawl, from Placebo. And that's exactly how I feel, except, at this time of the year, I don't get to breathe. I don't want to breathe.

I made matters worse. Yes, that was possible.
I broke with my ex (obviously, otherwise it wouldn't be an ex, right).
But...
With everthing that went down and feeling so extremly worthless, I had a lot of trouble sleeping and I couldn't take more pills then I was already doing. So I thought, instead of freaking out, let's have a drink in the evening.
A glass of wine (or a couple) won't hurt, right? If I take care of my one lasting kidney by drinking enough water and taking care of my bladder, things will be just fine.

My ex went shopping with us on wednesday. Quite an accomplishment on it's own. He never did this the past year! (why not? Then we were together and I needed him, but he wouldn't come along, ever).
He's dependant on me for his groceries and apparantly he wants to make an extra effort and not let me do all the shopping on myself, since it's for him and not me.
Very nice, but I missed it when we were actually a couple, one of the many things that lead to us breaking up...

Anyhow.
I bought me some wine.
We went to the cashier to pay and low and behold, he wanted to pay my groceries!
Why? I don't know.
There was no discussion possible, and because I'm already shy in public, I can do without a drama, so fine, he got to pay my groceries, thus my wine too.
Since I'm polite, I said he could come over and drink from the wine he paid for.
So that I wouldn't have to drink alone and he could enjoy a drink as well.

What could possibly go wrong, right?

Well, I could get drunk!
Since I'm not exactly a big drinker (usually just a few times a year a single glass), I don't need much. After my second glass of wine with cherries, I was quite a bit tipsy, to say the least.
We had a good time, had a good laugh and somehow, it even felt comfortable. But what doesn't feel comfortable when one is drunk?

Oh well, you can guess what happened next. Every day comes to an end and my days usually end in my bed, best place to sleep.
And he ended there too.

After that, he seems to think we're a couple again..

I don't really think he ever believed we'd really breake up. For sure, we've been down this road before and ended up back together again.
But this is so over.
There's really no future for us.
It's only going well when we're not together, that's not the kind of relationship I want to be in.
I don't feel so lonely when I'm on my own, knowing I'm not in a relationship and not being denied by someone, not being ignored, not being unwanted and so on.

But he thinks we're a couple again.

And with my birthday coming up, he's more nice then ever before.
Every other day he comes over, just to sit with me.
I don't even have to ask for a hug. He just gives me one, holds me close.
He knows I'm struggling right now.

He tries to cheer me up.
And that's a very nice thing off course, after all that happened, he shouldn't have to do so.
He's not 'my person' anymore, he shouldn't be.
But somehow, he gets me to talk to him, gets me to admit how far down I've fallen thus far and he tries to cheer me up.
He tells me things about me I needed to hear before I got to this point!

And you know what I hate most?
That he tells me he'd actually be miserable the day I'd be gone for good.
Because I know he's not lying.
Of all the people on this planet, I know he's the only one that would actually really miss me.
He's the only one that knows everything about me, the good and the bad, even the totally messed-up and still wants to be around me.
I know he loves me. No denying that.
He puts up with so much shit from me and he still hasn't killed me, that must be love, right?

Doesn't really help right now that he is trying to make me feel good.
He's one of the reasons I feel bad!

Couldn't he have been turned on by me when we were still a couple, so I wouldn't feel unwanted and less of a woman?
Couldn't he have cheered on my ambitions when we were together, so I knew that everything I was doing, wasn't in vain? Does he have to say NOW that I should pick up everything I like and make something out of it?
When I did when we were together, he was aggrivated, annoyed, wouldn't wanted to be with me, didn't seem to apreciate it and certainly didn't wanted to get involved (I could have done with some help with the math, putting things online, me and computers don't get along and he's an expert with those things, he's quite a smart guy, high IQ thing and such).
But no, whenever I was trying to achieve something, he left me.
He withdrew himself, from us, from me.
Wouldn't want to talk to me, about anything.
Certainly not about himself, or us, or anything, just life, not even a joke, nothing, nada.
Because he didn't want to bother me with that, it wasn't any of my concerns, was his reply to everything.
I wasn't allowed to help out with anything, wasn't allowed to know anything and in return, he didn't want to know anything of me and certainly didn't want to hugg me or hold me close when I was feeling bad, about anything.

And now, he's here...

Why?

Am I not fucked up enough already?

I do feel like a deck of cards, being played.
And I don't know how to deal with this.

I think he's preparing something for my birthday as well.
Shit.
Why?

He never wanted to do anything special before, why now?
He never cared for things like birthdays, holidays, valentine's days and so on.
And it usually ended up in pure misery.

Now he wants to come over on my birthday and I'm like: NO, I just want to dissapear and wish upon a star I can make this go away... Make me go away.
Why come over and celebrate a mistake, a failure? Something you've never wanted and tried your best to get rid of? Something you're ashamed of?

Guess I'll never know what drives some people.
I can't even get myself figured out, what makes me think I can get other people figured out?