On monday I started writing the so maniest letter to someone I know for a long time.
But I broke off contact, because my ex-partner wanted to.
I understand why, off course.
I was crazy in love with this person.
And if I wanted my relationship to succeed, I couldn't be in contact with someone who had a big place in my heart and I cared for very much.
I wouldn't agree either if my partner would be in contact with someone he loved, romantically that is..
So I broke off contact with him, in order to fullfill the wish of my partner back then.

I don't remember if I ever said goodbye, or explained why.
I'm not even sure in what year I broke off all contact.

It's ridiculous it has cost me a lot of trouble to do so too.
It should be easy if you're in a comitted relationship, right? But it wasn't.
And I never forgot about him either.
Never stopped loving the person he was and never forgot what he meant to me.
He did help me through a lot of dark periods in my life.
He's a gentle and positive soul, an enlighting person.

I guess he thinks I never thought of him anymore the past few years.
There's no reason for him to think otherwise.
I wrote a lot of letters, but I've never send them to him.
Just wrote them and threw 'm out again.

And now he's back in my life.
When I contacted him again, my relationship was balancing between surviving or ending.
I'm too ashamed to tell him we're seperated now.
I don't want him to think it's because of him.
Things were bad between us long before I contacted him again.
And I'm not desilusional, I don't expect a new romance to happen any time soon.

I just started to write a lot of things down, things I wanted to say.
Not that I think it would change anything.

I don't even know if this letter will ever get to him.
Pulled all my courage together to ask for his adress, but off course he's not too keen to give it.
I think I come across as a crazy woman and he's afraid I might end up at his doorstep (understandable haha). It's been ackward between us too and I blurt out the most weird things, instead of having a proper, normal conversation.
He must think I have lost my mind (which isn't at all inaccurate, but then again, I've always been a wee tad weird, to say the least haha).

But I got to write some things down. And I hope I will leave the letters alone. Who knows, one day he will receive them.

I don't know how to tell him I never forgot about him and I regret breaking off contact, without coming across as the most crazy person ever.
I don't know how to tell him I really loved him and it wasn't just a fantasy I'd put aside the moment we stopped chatting, he was actually a part of my life and I took it seriously.
How do I tell him I care about him, even if there's nothing romantic going on? How do I tell him he's important to me, without him running away screaming because I sound like the biggest creep ever?

Ah, so many things I'd like to make clear and tell him, but I don't know how.
I don't know if it matters either.

Would he care?
I didn't exactly give him any reason at all to care.

Sure, he was a jerk sometimes too, not everything was easy.
But all in all, he's just a lovely person one can't be angry at.
And I owe him so much, I cannot express that in words and there's no song that can translate that for me.

I think some people just underestimate the impact they had on someone else's life and they don't realise there's someone out there who just genuinly cares and has a soft spot in their heart for them.
Regardless of what happened.

I miss the friendship we once had, the close bond.
I miss his smile and certainly his voice.

I've been worried a lot the past few years. I didn't know if he was alright. I had no one to talk about him either.
I made a promise and tried to keep it. So it was my burden to bear. Wouldn't know how to explain to anyone anyway.
Sometimes I just care too much.
No matter if the other person cares for me to or not.

I did think it would be easier, once I knew he was doing alright, my mind would be at ease.
But it's not.
First I was really happy.
Now I'm just concerned and I feel ashamed and I just don't know how to behave, or what to say (or what not, me and my blurting things out in the most ackward ways!!).
I'm going to have to be patient and not expect too much.
Just be open minded and be happy he's doing alright.
And even though we're not in close contact now, I can still be inspired by what he does, just like I just to allow him to inspire me to go on with all the things I wanted to do in my life.

One day the tension will be less and my mind will be at ease.
Just not now.
Not yet.

I imagined the day we'd be in contact again often.
But thought that day would never come. In my imagination, things were much easier. Which is quite a big thing, because normally, I don't do easy in my mind haha.
But concerning this, my mind made it seem so much easier.
And now it feels like a struggle and I'm probably trying too hard.

Now I must try to not be a creep (I'm creeping myself out!).
If I keep this weird act up, I'm going to chase every normal acting person away from me.
So, listen up ME, get your act together, start acting normal and as an adult. Yes, you once loved him a lot, but get over it already. Things happened and you cannot change that.
Live with the consequences and be gratefull for what you still have! Get your act together, quickly, before you ruin everything, just once again, don't be the failure you've set yourself out to be, be the survivor you've always wanted to be.
*c'mon, we can do this!!*

Hard decisions to make.

I'm not good at that.
Because sometimes, I just want things to stay the way they are
But that's not at all possible sometimes.

So, I have to make a few decisions.

One big decision I have to make, concerns my cockateels.
I love them so very much, but I cannot ignore that I'm getting more and more sick and have a hard time breathing in my living room.
I'm totally not okay with giving them up.
Have nightmares about it.

But, it is what it is and something had to give.
I can't take proper care of them anymore.

I already fell ill again last week of august and I'm not really recovering (it's been over a month now!!). Cleaning my house properly, is just not happening.
So I had to ask for a caretaker again to come and take care of my household, prepare food, help with the laundry etc.
They are not allowed to help out with taking care of pets (I can get that, it's not their job off course). There's not really any agency I can ask to help me take care of the pets in the house, that job just doesn't exist.
Not that I know of, perhaps one does exist, but just cost a lot of money and I simply wouldn't be able to afford it anyway.

Finally I found another doctor who wants to investigate my health case.
Only, my previous doctor refuses to send him my records... Damnit.
At this rate, I won't be able to see the specialist concerning my kidney, won't get to be tested for allergies, won't have investigated what's wrong with my breathing, won't be investigated why my pain is so much worse again, why I'm constantly fatigue again etc.

I'll be glad when my dossier finally arrives at the new doctor's office. So things can finally get started.

Also, I really want to be tested for all kinds of allergies.
I'm a real animal lover and I always stumble upon animals in need. Some animals, I can take care of myself, because I've got the skills and knowledge to do so.
I don't mind doing that, there's a shortage of people who want to take care of animals in need, so I'd like to do my part.
But if it turns out I'm allergic to some animals, I've got to find a quick solution, because no one benefits when I fall sick again.

I also have a cat now and I'd like to know if it's possible to keep the cat or if I have to find a solution for her too.

That all sounds very selfish, but the past year, I've had so many lung infections and I had to run out of my own house so often, it's getting ridiculous.
And no one benefits in the end.
I get to ask for extra help around the house, because the most simple tasks cannot be done anymore, I don't sleep well at night anymore, trouble breathing is really exhausting.
I can't clean out the animal's cage, which isn't fair for them either.
When they fly around the house and they come and ask cuddles from me, it's hard when I start to sneeze constantly, get a hard time breathing etc and have to chase them away, because it's impossible to handle.
My birds really need the attention and love and cuddles and should get them too!
They are very sweet and gentle.
I love sitting with them, giving them a bath, playing with them. It's just awesome.
It was awesome, it's not so awesome lately.
They just changed their feathers and that's when it's even harder to live in my own house.

And when I've just cleaned, I think the dust gets in the air, because the first 2 days are extremely hard to get by.

I know a lot of people say it's because I smoke.
And off course, that doesn't do any good for my lungs either. But if it was because I smoke, the sole reason why I'm struggling for a breathe, I'd also have those problems outside of the house.
But the only time I have those problems outside of the house, is when I haven't been able to get out of the house on a daily basis and had to spent a lot of time indoors. Then I also have trouble breathing when I do leave the house.
At least, if it's just for a short while.
But when I visit my mom for example and I'm there for a few hours, my head gets clear again, I can inhale much better, don't have to sneeze often etc.
At my mom's place, at least 2 people smoke indoors constantly. So if my logic still works a bit, if smoke was causing what I experience, wouldn't it get worse when I'm at a place where people smoke a lot inside?
Wouldn't that make it worse?
But it doesn't. That doesn't seem to be the problem.

Off course I still want to quit smoking. Another reason I want that new doctor to get going on me, find some good treatments for that stupid addiction. I want to get rid of it!

My health is important to me.
I'd love to hang around a bit longer, to take care of the people I love and do the things I like.
Perhaps even start my own bussiness.

So, I had to make the decision, as long as I don't know what's causing my trouble breathing and on going lung infections, I'm going to assume it's the birds (or at least, the second birth I purchased, for I didn't have these problems when my first bird was alone in the house).
I'm already in contact with someone who's intrested in taking them in.
I cannot procrastinate on this one.
I have to go ahead with this.

Certainly now that I'm feeling more ill again and have to ask for extra help around the house, can't get my gardening done, I need to have energy for my son as well (and I've been failing on that for a month now) and off course, I need to be strong for my mom too!
She wouldn't want me to be absent when she's going through such a rough time.

I have to put my sorrows aside, the birds will be happy with the woman who's intrested in taking them.
She's also a very nice lady, doesn't live too far away, I can visit them later on etc.
There's no excuse for me to keep the birds, just because I really love them and I feel like no one should just 'dump' an animal (but that's not what I'm doing, right? it's not like I'm sick of them and want to get rid of them, my health is in danger, that's something different, right?).
Off course I do feel guilty. I can't help that at all.

I work as a volunteer in animal shelters and I've seen so much in my life already, how easily people get rid of their animals, just because it's no longer new and intresting, or it's too much work or they don't want to pay for them, or they get into a new relationship and the new partner is not an animal lover etc. All sorts of excuses.
And off course I also stumbled upon the excuse of allergies and it is frowned upon apparantly.
It seems to be something new people came up with to get rid of their animals.
That makes me doubt off course. Because I can see why one would doubt my sincerity. Why didn't I have trouble breathing with just one bird? I don't know!
But I'm not looking for excuses to get rid of them. On the contrary, I'm still constantly looking for excuses to keep them.

I thought I could keep them if I finally got some help to get my house cleaned weekly, help to prepare meals etc, so I have some energy to spare to clean anything animal involved.
I thought I could find some money to spare to buy an air cleaner (but unfortunatly, I've got a lot of other big costs coming up, nothing I knew before though, so no, I wasn't prepared for these costs!).
Thought about a lot things, asked for a lot of advice and ideas.
But the one thing that would really help (air cleaner) is one thing I cannot afford this year.
I'm already cleaning their cage with a cloth to cover my mouth and nose and that does indeed help a bit.

I can keep on thinking about it, but it's not going to change my health right now and it's not going to give me good solutions right now. And right now, I'm ill enough to be concerned enough.
I don't think my mom and my son would forgive me if I didn't do anything about it.

Animals are important, in general, but if I die or get extremely ill, no one benefits, not even the animals.
If I want to help out, I must take care of myself to begin with.

It might sound ridiculous to people who don't feel for animals at all, but I've got a strong bond with my birds and my cat.
And I will cry over them.
I already have, more then once. It is hard on me.
And I will keep on feeling guilty and ashamed, even when time goes by.
That's just who I am.
I'm a person who needs animals. I need their unconditional love to get through the day! To get through life.

It hurts.

You know, this hearts more then my relationship that stranded. I'll cry more over this, then I'll ever cry over that relationship (probably because that wasn't a surprise and I knew it was coming and I had my animals, you know).
Nothing can replace my birdies.
Nothing can make me feel better about this decision.
It's tearing me apart and the nasty remarks don't help either.

Mourning... A lot of mourning to do.

Month is not starting out so well.
My mom has got a malicious tumor in her breast.
That needs further investigation and off course, treatment.
Soon, she'll have an appointment in a hospital to find out how it should be treated and we'll know more about how dangerous it actually is.

I feel really bad about it and I'm trying not to freak out.

Though the relationship between me and my mom hasn't always been good (that's an understatement), we became close the past years and I love how we get along now.
I never stopped loving my mom, even when it was tough and situations were bad.
She's my mom!

I've been trying my best to be a good daughter and make her proud and I think, every now and then, I actually succeeded.
She helped me out a lot the past years.
Even when she disagreed with my relationship and pushed me to start dating someone else.
Something she really wanted for me, a good man, a happy family, a good house to live in, days worth living, a better health.
I did my best and only failed on the partner part. Though she's very glad it finally ended now and said to me: time to find a better man for you, one you deserve and who deserves you.
(meant in a very sweet way off course).

My mom has already been struggling with things like severe back pains, shoulder pain, her knees failed on her, in short, she's been through a lot of physical pain lately and it didn't seem to stop.
But she keeps on going, keeps on working, keeps on doing her hobbies and keeps in touch with the family.
She even took care of my child when I couldn't and helped us out when things went bad between me and my child.

I owe my mom so much.
Sure, there's some painfull thoughts concerning my past (many years ago), but there's no reason to hold onto that.
We both have changed and my mom is happy now.
She found herself a new partner, she's happy with him (I don't like him, for personal reasons, but I can never tell her, she'd be broken if I did and I'm not going to ruin this relationship for her!).
They live in a nice house, his kids come by very often and his sister does too and has become some sort of friend for my mom.
She's no longer alone, can have the big christmass diners she's always dreamed about.

After years of doing a job she didn't really like and took away most time out of her days, she finally found a job that suits her. Not always pleasant, but she's got more free time and a good pay check (not that she's extremely wealthy, but she gets by, that's important and she's got some time to do what she likes to do).

With her previous job, I was often concerned I'd get a call one day that she was in a car accident. The long trips, how exhausted she was and then the times she told me she almost fell asleep or thought she had fallen asleep for real behind the wheel, because she couldn't remember how she got where she got.
Scary as hell, I can assure you!
So I'm very happy that she doesn't have to drive so far and so long anymore and not work so many hours anymore.

On all fronts, things were changing for the better for her.
My brother had a child in october 2014 and my mom couldn't be more proud.
Since she never saw the children of my sister, she thought, now she got to see another grand child grow up.
Dissapointing though, because my brother doesn't make much efforts to go to her place, or even arrange for her grand child to spend a day there. She arranged for a baby bed, baby chair, things like that. My mom did make a good effort, she was looking forward to babysitting etc.
But that never happened and probably never will.
My brother breakes her heart by doing so.

Unfortunatly, she missed out on a lot of my child too, because we lived too far away at that time and my ex-husband hated her very much and on top of that, she was still with my very agressive stepdad who promised to hurt my child very bad (not exactly a situation where one says: fine, you can babysit my child and he can sleep over for a night or two.
My mom didn't see it that way though, not even when my stepdad arrived yet again at her house with a gun, wanted to smash everything, threatened to kill her, or me, especially me.

But now the situation is different.
It's safe where she lives now, it's a warm house.

Off course I'm making up for the lost time and I wish it would have been like that years ago.
But I can't make my child a baby again off course and I can't have any children anymore.

Thankfully the son of her partner, is expecting a child!
She'll get to experience the pregnancy from close. They don't live far from her, so they pop in very often.
And I'm sure they'll get to babysit that child when it's born.
Something to look forward to for her.
Not all news has to be bad.

Gosh, I still can't grasp that she's got a tumor.
She's already been through so much.
I hope the treatment will be easy and not make her sick.
I'm hoping for a simple surgery to take the tumor out and she'll probably get some chemo to prevent other tumors to grow.
I hope it will be as easy as that.
Don't know what to do or how to feel if we get the news it has spread throughout her body.
I can't imagine it, I don't want to yet.
I certainly don't want to think worst-case scenario.
As my mom says: let's just stay positive.

I can still freak out later on.
I have to pull myself together, because my mom still wants to enjoy life and make the best out of it and I want to be there for her and make sure she gets a good life, even if we get the worst news possible (let's just say it's extreme and she would be facing a long and hard struggle and eventually die much sooner then anyone wishes, I don't want to freak in the meanwhile, I want to be strong for her and give her everything she wants, I can cry later, right?).

I love her so much. I can't imagine my life right now without my mom in it.
I don't want to think about it.
Off course thoughts like that do cross one's mind, because tumors and cancer suck big time and are life threatening. We don't have to make it into something it's not.
I'll just have to make sure I'm going to keep my worries and fears to myself.

She's already being burdened with her partner being really sick because of all the stress.
Just recently his brother in law died from bonemarrow cancer.
And now his partner is diagnosed with a malicious tumor.
Off course he's freaking out.
But that's not what my mom needs.

She should be given the chance to freak out if she wants to and have a good support.
But she's being tough again, and she's his rock right now.
Gosh, that woman is strong!

Whenever I freak, I'm just gonna write about it.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. That's okay.
I can deal with this.
I have to!
I will.

So, it's been a rather tough past weeks.

The breake-up is still messing with me.
I get angry at him, annoyed, dissapointed, sad etc.
Now he can suddenly wake up in the morning when he has to.
He's cleaned out his house (never did it in the few years he lived there and never helped me out like that).

I don't understand either why he's still so friendly. Not that we always get along, not at all.
Sometimes the tension can almost be felt.
But for example, he's still paying for my internet, tv and mobile phone. Last night I asked him about it and told him there's things we need to sort out rather sooner then later. He didn't mind paying those bills. Okay, fine, but what if one day I'd start dating again? (yes I know, it's unlikely I'm gonna start dating any time soon, I'd like to get to know myself first now).
My djembé's are still at his house too. He says he doesn't mind and I can come and play anytime.
Off course he doesn't mind.
He kinda dumped me same time I wanted to breake up. But now, he's acting as if we're still a family, as if we would still get back together.
When I told him yesterday there really isn't any chance of that happening, his only reply was: yes, so you keep telling me (I didn't realise I told him before though haha, poor lad).
It's so weird the way he acts. Isn't he angry or sad or dissapointed, doesn't he care?
It seems like my heart is more broken then his.
Or perhaps he's just dead sure I'll eventually get back to him (for who would want someone like me?).

But I'm not going to change my mind.
It's not just something I have to think about and put A and B together, it's also true that I just no longer love him the way lovers are supposed to do.
I don't find him attractive anymore.
That's probably because he didn't want to be with me the past year, wasn't exactly supportive at all, didn't want to be a part of our lives (and he's still sure he'd never want to be a part of our lives, in that way that we'd actually live together, do things together, be partners, support each other etc).
The moment he told me he would never want to be a part of our lives, because he just likes to live at night and play games, watch tv and just lay on the couch, is the moment my heart broke and my intrest in him faded away.
It made me angry and sad and made me wonder why I went through all that trouble all these years anyway. If he never wanted to be a part of anything concerning us anyway?
He told me he didn't want any trouble anymore. And by that, he meant simple things like just being there when I have a bad day for example. Just hearing me out, or just giving me a hug and put on something on the tele to watch to put my mind off of things I'm worried about. Simple things. But those are already troubles and conflicts in his mindset.
I'd still be on my own if we were still together, so it is easier now that I'm truly alone. Makes me less lonely and it sure as hell hurts less!

I asked him to finally sit down and talk some things through.
I know I'll never get any answers concerning our past relationship. But that's okay.
I'll just hold on to the good memories (not everything was bad, obviously, I loved him with all my heart and was dead sure we would get married and live a happy life).

But there's things we need to talk about. Like the finances, practical things (because now he's still doing our laundry, but let's fantasise again, what if one day I start dating again, would he still do the laundry or let me do my laundry in his house? That would be ackward, to say the least).
We'll see where that goes and how things turn out.
I'm already preparing to sell my dishwasher, so I can safe money to buy my own washing and drying machine again.

There's gonna be day I have to do everything on my own again. And I don't mind. Kinda looking forward to that.
It just sucks we worked really hard the past years to get things organised, some things in my house, some things in his and we just made it work. Since we both don't live in a big house, it was easy to put some things there and some things here and just go back and fro.
As I said before, I really didn't expect us to really breake up for good.
We had our bad times, but I honestly thought, when I had the surgery done and started to build my own life, we would be just fine, better then ever before, but I was wrong, very wrong!

He wants to be friends and I apreciate that.
But I think, friends are there for each other.
I can't talk to him about every day things that concern me, small or big.
He doesn't know about life events in our lives, mainly, because he doesn't want to know.
And if I told him, he wouldn't want to listen or, he'd try to comfort me and try to get me back in his arms at that point (get me at my weakest moment) and honesty, I'm just not going to let that happen, because I know, if I give in and fall back in his arms, the day after, he's not even going to notice I'm alive anymore, he wouldn't care a single bit. He'd just be annoyed by me.
Though he says not, actions do speak louder then words!

Then I'd rather be on my own, no matter how tough it is right now.
I'll get through it, because I don't love him the way I once did. I no longer long for him.
I'm still working to get over it, it's been 8yrs on and off, but the past 3yrs have been intense and promising for better days. We always ended up back together, so I didn't expect it to really end one day.

It did end and I feel relieved.

That's that.
Now I just have to deal with the mourning of what has been, could have been etc.

I can do this!!