To me, it's clear, I will have to do some things in the near future, to keep my loved ones happy.

Those things include the final deed, that some have doubts about. Though, those who doubt if it's the right thing to do or not, aren't 'loved' ones.

They are friends, well, not 'they', just one person. And I understand why she wants me to think it over again, she lost her brother to it.

But that doesn't change what my life is all about. And I'm not that much of a good friend to her either, nor do I have any serious meaning in her life.

So many things don't make any sense to me right now.

Why do people do the things they do, say the things they say.

Why am I here to begin with

I just want to plan my dissapearance in peace. I'm not hurting anyone! On the contrary actually.

If I stay, I'll end up hurting a lot more people then I've ever wanted (oh, don't you look at me like that, I'm human, I've been hurt and I came across some really afwull people already in my life, sure I would like to hurt some of them and I wouldn't care at all).

Apparantly my ex-partner thinks we're back together now too.

My bad, I got drunk and we ended up in the bed.

Not the best choice off course. I was weak and vulnarable haha. Oh wine, what did you do to me!

Don't know how to set that straight without him killing me or sth.

Doesn't really matter now either. Ever since that happened, he is more soft on my son.

So, I'll just let it be the way it is, knowing he dumped my ass to begin with, then thought he could act as if nothing happened, then pushed me to a point I had to make it very clear nothing's ever going to happen again (like growing old together).

And on top of that, he added, he'd been sick and tired of me for so long anyways and he doesn't care anyway. So, I don't see the problem.

I don't see why he'd even want to get back together!

He kind of hates me whenever I'm not down and ill.

Sure he does like me now. I feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom, if I donn't already have, if it weren't that I feel like I'm falling in a bottomless pit.

Yesterday I told him I gave all my colouring crayons to my mom. She wants to start colouring anyway.

Why not give mine to her? Because I don't really draw or colour anymore and when I do, I don't exactly get good comments from anyone, more like hurtfull comments.

My mom looked at a few sketches I did a few days ago and agreed they were so bad, I should have thrown them away long ago.

What else needs to be said?

Why would I keep anything to draw, paint, colour, whatever?

I make my mom happy with those crayons. I hope. Because she wasn't at all excited to be honest. A lot of money dropped in her hands (meaning,these were pricey materials, once upon a time, I actually had some ambition).

But she looked rather dissapointed and felt like the materials I gave, were just crap (you know, it comes from me, it couldn't possibly be any good, right???).

Ah well, who knows, she might end up throwing them away as well.

My ex-partner threw me a compliment, saying I can draw good and it would make him proud if I created anything.

Isn't that something to drop dead for immediatly? Isn't that exactly why he dumped my sorry ass?

Because I started doing things again, because I started dreaming again, because I got in touch with my creative and loving side again?

I wanted to accomplish something.

But that meant to him, that everything was a conflict.

Okay.

Then don't go telling me that you'd be proud if I'd make a drawing,or a piece of jewelry, or perhaps pick up drumming and djembé.

For fuck's sake...

How contradictive can you be?

As if he'd all of a sudden like or love me again, because I strive for a better life again?

He likes me now, because I'm down, depressed, about to end it all.

What if I'd wake up one day, full of energy (instead of exhausted) and find some peace within, wanting to make something beautiful out of this life.

I don't think he'd still like me then, because that would mean I'd be making plans again, want to make my own bussiness happening (creative things), get outside, get my body moving, ignore the pain (and pay the price later haha).

You know, things one does when they're not at home, feeling miserable.

He only loves me when I'm completely miserable!

Anyhow,this post is getting really long again and I'm mixing all sorts of topics.

Without really saying what I'd like to say, not finding the words for it anyway.

Because I don't have anything to look forward to anymore. Because my body started to fail on me again (I knew I shouldn't have taken those antibiotics, I knew this would happen, but hey, one needs to listen to the doc, right?).