Ik ben , en gebruik soms ook wel de schuilnaam Curse Of Me.
Ik ben een vrouw en woon in (Belgium) en mijn beroep is Full time huisvrouw en creatieve geest.
Ik ben geboren op 22/10/1983 en ben nu dus 41 jaar jong.
Mijn hobby's zijn: Muziek, edelstenen en mineralen, creatief bezig zijn, dieren en natuur, koken, voeding.
Writing down what goes in my head and life.
31-01-2016
I love him
I'm afraid to lose him. Because I'm deeply, madly in love with him and everything he stands for, all that he is.
And I don't see any reason why he'd feel the same way.
I'm afraid.
Every now and then something awesome comes along and I'm afraid to lose it.
I'm afraid.
I feel blessed with a man like that and I'd love to grow old with him more then I ever wanted to with anybody else. I don't feel like I deserve him at all. He's too good for me and I'm not nearly as good for him as he's for me.
I love lying in his arms, feeling his warm kisses in my neck. Lying close to him, sleeping next to him, sleeping with him. Every minute spend with him, feels like heaven.
He calms the demons I already have, instead of awakening something afwull inside of me. He soothes me. He comforts me. He gives me courage.
It all feels so good.
It's like all of a sudden the man I've always wanted, waited for, has come on my path and I want it to succeed so bad.
We've (or better, I) had already such wonderfull times. He doesn't have to spoil me like this.
I just love him with my heart and soul. And I don't know I can assure him I'm not lying about that.
I hope he doesn't have any doubts. I feel frail and vulnerable, because I'm naked with him, as in, my soul and heart are naked when I'm with him. I show him everything I am and what makes me, me.
I love him. More then words can say.
And so does my son. He likes him very much too and would love this man to stick around and be a part of our lives, a major parrt of lives.
I'm in love and enjoy being around him more than I ever thought was possible. Right now there's not a single thing I think we'd have a fight about or anything that feels wrong. It's comfy and warm and he makes me feel loved.
Crazy as hell. Absolutely insane. Totally weird and unreal.
That's kinda how it all feels right now.
Don't get me wrong, all is well. That is kinda the 'problem', as far as you can call it a problem off course!
Off course I fell in love again. Never thought I could ever love again, to begin with. Let alone that one day I'd meet someone who's absolutely perfect for me. All feels so fine, as if I've known him for years. It feels safe and comfortable, exciting, pleasant.
But. At the same time I'm totally panicking every now and then for a lot of different reasons.
To begin with, he's a lot like my ex. Not in the way he acts off course, that wouldn't have stolen my heart. But he likes the same things, same intrests, also a gamer (but so far doesn't seem to be addicted), metal guy in heart and soul, loves Iron Maiden, collects weapons and is absolutely fond of them. He's got a few character traits that are the same as well. But he's so much more and absolutely better then my ex ever was to me. Beyond words. I'm not often at a loss of words, but I haven't got a fucking clue how to describe this.
Off course it's nice he's got these intrests and likes that I share too and I know go along very well with me in general. At the same time I'm afraid things turn out totally wrong. What if he changes too in time, just when things get better and better and when I think it's finally for sure that's who I want to spend the rest of my life with, in that way. What if he then gets to be unhappy, just like my ex? A certain amount of time of pretending and saying this and that is less important then me and my son and how he loves to grow old with us and just be a family and then afterwards it appears that he misses himself. What if after that time he wants nothing more then getting away from me? What if he doesn't get turned on by me anymore, because you know, I'm not exactly good looking and my character isn't that good either (don't have much to offer!). What if he misses going out so much and he dislikes going out on his own so badly, that he will start doing so secretly and tell everyone how boring I am (you know, I'll never be cured, so going out every weekend, I just can't do that, it's impossible for me). What if after a certain amount of time, everything he says he likes about me now, will turn out to be the things he hates about me and get on his nerves?
Ah, so many what ifs.
I guess I've been down that road one time too many.
I just hope he won't neglect his friends, won't make it out to be as if he's not allowed to go out because I don't want him to. It comes across as if he totally needs his nights out with his friends. And he's allowed to do so. But so far, he says he doesn't want to. What if he's afraid to be honest about it? What if he do misses it?
I know, I'm still here with my 'what ifs'.
But I worry. I worry because I really love this man, in every possible way. I love the way he thinks, how he wants to live his life, how positive and active he is, how responsible he is, how loving he is towards me. I love how I feel safe and secure with him. I love how it feels like coming home, even though we're not together for a long period of time yet. It's awesome that he likes the same things I like and how I can be open and honest about so many things (well, everything I guess, haven't talked about everything yet, but pretty close :P ).
Right now I feel sick to my stomach, I feel like I could throw up at any time of the day. Just because it's all so very real and I'm falling in love really hard. No, I'm already so much in love, if this would end right here, right now, I'd be a miserable wreck and my trust would be completely broken, same as my heart, my mind, my everything. I'm not standing strong enough on my own two feet to overcome such a thing, because I want this so bad.
I feel very insecure. What if I'm not good enough? What if I lose this one good thing that came into my life? What if I fuck it all up again, like I always do? What if he realises that I have indeed nothing to offer, other then worries and a bit of misery here and there?
I try to be realistic. I'm a single mom with a teenage boy to look out for. I am cripple and won't ever be able to work again, it's nothing that can be cured. It will only get worse and physically I have more bad days than good days. Off course I try to hide my pain, feeling miserable (I mean my body), feeling tired beyond words aka exhaustion isn't a proper word to describe what it feels like. Off course I try to hide how anxious I am and I don't want PTSD to ruin this good thing that came into my life. I do my very best to live here and now, but I cannot ignore my past. Ignoring that previous relationships have failed because of me and what I carry with me, would be ridiculous and stupid. I've got my luggage and sometimes it weighs on me very heavy Got a lot of dreams that will never become true. There's a lot of pain and sorrow on my mind, I carry those things around with me.
Just recently someone I thought was a good friend ran away, doesn't want me in her life anymore, because you know, I'm a cripple and I cannot do what other people do. I cannot pay random visits whenever I want.
That's just a small thing. But I've got many such small things.
I cannot clean my house every week, cannot cook, do laundry, simple tasks, on a daily basis on a regular basis. I often need help, either from my mom or a service I pay to do so. I still have a lot of medical exams I need to undergo. I'm waiting for the biopsy of the cyste in my breast. Doesn't matter if it's a good or bad result, it has to be removed anyway. My mom would freak out if I let it be the way it is, since she knew a person that got severe cancer that's hard to treat because of a cyste, just like mine. So, that means I have to undergo at least one more surgery on my body and I don't recover well and always get complications, meaning I'd need care. When the cyste gets to be removed, my mom wants me to have a boob-job too. No, not making them bigger, not in for those kind of things. But they have become very saggy after I gave birth and ever since I've been loosing weight like hell, so it doesn't look pretty at all. (what if he won't like me any longer as time passes by, just because the way I look? Pregnancy marks on my belly and breasts and legs, saggy boobs, way too skinny as in skeleton-looking, bad teeth, ... ) I still have a few other medical exams waiting to be done, like an NMRI from my SGI joints to see what's wrong and perhaps get a proper diagnosis, seeing the kidney specialist again to see what the hell is wrong with my kidneys, gyne research to make sure everything is still functioning properly after menopause etc. So many things still need to be done and the outcome could perhaps change the way he feels about having a life with me.
Right now he's convinced I can physically get so much better then I am right now. I hope I get better too, but I know it can't be cured, neither of the medical conditions I've got! It's gonna be with me for the rest of my life and one time take a turn for the worst. If aquintances and friends already bail on me, because I cannot do as a 'normal funcioning person' does, why wouldn't he? He shouldn't put his life on hold because I'm going through all of that. He should be enjoying his life, not worry about a cripple single mom.
I'm overthinking all of this a bit too hard perhaps, but there's so many questions I need to ask myself, I want to be prepared for what lies ahead. It could totally go wrong. No matter how much I love him, if I can't take care of him properly, like a normal woman can, I'm gonna lose him. And I cannot blame him if he walks out on me.
He always wanted children of his own too and off course, I cannot give him that. Just when I thought I could be at peace with that, I face this 'not being able to get pregnant' thing again. I could just lose the best man I've ever come across, because my body deceided it would be fun to fucking fail on me. And making it impossible to give a man what he truly likes.
He says it's okay to be a family with just me and my son, but he's been down that road before (as have I, but the other way around) and it didn't work out. My child won't ever be the same as a child I'd give him that's ours.
What if in time that does become a problem?
I've got a lot of questions. And a lot of scenarios already worked out in my head as for why and how it could go wrong and yes, those things going wrong would be on me, I'd be the one to blame.
He says he doesn't want to go out with his friends to his favourite pub if I can't do so because I feel miserable. But it's hard to believe he'd stay happy when times get more rough on me and he feels obligated to stay at home to take care of me (just for the record, he doesn't have to stay home to do so, I can do that shit on my own); I don't want to be the reason he feels miserable. I'm sick and tired of making people miserable, certainly the ones I love most. What if he loses all his friends because of me? I'm kinda boring, I don't feel like going out every weekend, let alone a couple of days in the weekend. With or without my son. It's really rough on me and it's extremely exhausting. But if I don't go out with him, he says he's gonna stay home, thus neglect his friends and off course, I'd be to blame for that. He cannot lose his friends because of someone like me. I'm not that special at all! He deserves so much more than that!
He promised himself he would never give up going a night out, spending time with friends for a girl / woman ever again. And off course, that's his good right. No one should do so, that's just wrong if you have to do so!
But we're not even a full month together and he already says he wants to stay at home whenever I don't feel like going out. But I rarely feel like going out on a regular basis, I mean, the way he does. Once every now and then a quick visit to our favourite pub, is all that I need. I don't feel the need to have a party every weekend, I don't feel like going out every month, I don't feel like having shitloads of people over on a regular basis, because it's extremely exhausting and it tears me down. AFterwards I feel so tired I wanna die and that cannot be what it's supposed to be like.
When we first started talking things through, how we looked at life, he clearly said he'd love to keep on going out every weekend. And if that cheers him up, he should absolutely do so! Friends are important and going out can be freeing, energising. Why would he even want to risk losing so many things he's achieved just because of me? And I'm not even asking him to stay home with me, why would I? It's very nice and sweet that right now he likes to take care of me, but in time he'll stop liking it and miss going out. It's always the same story on my account.
I'm quite sure if he stays at home because I'm unable to do what he does, he'll end up feeling miserrable and losing a lot of friends, because you know.. They told him so!
I understand not a lot of his friends are too keen he's with a person like me. I don't like a big mass of people, I don't like busy places, I need my moments of peace and quiet much more than anyone else (than people who can function normally, unlike me).
There's so many reasons for his friends and relatives to have serious doubts this would ever last.
To begin with, off course they don't trust me. I'm the new person and they don't know me personally and don't know what I'm like. I would never want his house or car, I didn't even know he owned a house and had an expensive car when I already lost my heart to him. I don't care for things like that. It's a nice plus he's got a house of his own, the car, I don't give a shit about that, never cared for what vehicle a man has, or even if he has one or not. I just don't care about those things. I didn't fall in love with his bank account, his house or his car. That's just not me.
But he's been with women who did care about those things and were after that. So I get why his friends are supersticious. Certainly when they learn I'm a cripple, won't ever be allowed to work (or they think I'm just a lazy motherfucking bitch taking advantage of our social security system). They seem to think I'm so keen to stay with him and things go as fast as they do, because he owns a house of his own, drives an expensive car, has enough money to spend some exra's on me etc There's no way I can convince them otherwise. I think all hell will breake loose if we end up living together Because in their mind / opinion, I'm after a man who can pay for his own things and on top of that, could take care of me and my child as well.
So many things are against us. Not because of him, but because I'm a cripple that won't ever heal. I get why people think I chose himo.
It's fucking amazing how scared one can get when you meet something so wonderfull and you just know not a lot of people aprove, because they all seem to know for sure that I'm only with him to take advantage of his goodness and kindness and his income, house, car etc. What if he starts to realise they're right, no matter if it's true or not. Once he goes down that path, thinking like that, it doesn't matter what I'd say or do, he wouldn't believe me anyway and how the fuck could proof otherwise??? As I said before, I don't have a damned thing to offer, just me and all my flaws and a weird looking body that's always aching and a mind that's always confused, unable to concentrate and exhausted beyond words??
Perhaps the smartest thing I can do is try to take it as slow as possible and give him as much freedom as I can. Stay at my own place as much as I can, even when my heart longs to be with him as often as possible. Perhaps I should stop spending the weekends with him so he doesn't have to stay home because I don't feel well enough to go out? Perhaps I shouldn't put so much of my belongings in his house, no matter how often he says he loves it to be 'our' home. Off course I love that too, I long for that, it already feels like our home, our sanctuary. But I don't feel like I'm going to do him a favor by keep on going as fast as we're going right now. Perhaps I need to push him to go on a night out as often as possible, without me, without worrying about me. Perhaps I should plan more things to do with just me and my son, boring things he wouldn't like, like things moms do with their kids and wouldn't exactly fullfill him?
His best friends already made it clear they don't trust it a single bit, any part of this relationship. And I don't blame them. He's been through enough shit already and to them, I'm just the so maniest woman who's out to make his life miserable, take him away from his friends, take away his freedom, everything that makes him, him. I come across as if I'm out to take advantage of him and dictate what he can and cannot do and I just love to be with him to get shitloads of pressies and to be spoiled like hell. There's no way I can convince them otherwise. They don't know me.
Just one of his friends know me and a friend of that friend. Because they've known me ever since I was 14yrs old and they know the kind of shit I've been through and they never saw me cheating or taking advantage of anyone and always putting my child before anything else. They should know that all I really want is a happy family, a man that loves me for who I am and doesn't mind taking my son too. They know I cannot lie or cheat, they know I'm kind hearted and don't mean any harm.
But just those two people aren't exactly enough to convince anyone.
On top of that my love has a lot of female friends I know what females are like (hence why I dislike most of them). They will (and do) make sure to let him know there's a lot of things off about this relationship, because he does indeed deserve so much better. I cannot blame them.
It's only right for the people closest to him to tell him all of this is a very bad idea and there's no way I can make him really happy, at least, not a lifetime.
Off course that hurts me in my heart and soul.
It doesn't matter how many medical treatments I'd get, I'll never be healthy. So I get why it comes across as me just taking advantage of him and since my health has been worse again the past few months, I haven't been able to do a lot of things normal people do.
Ah fuck, I'm totally overthinking this.
But I wouldn't blame him if he told me he doesn't want a relationship with a person like me.
Just loving someone, isn't enough to make it all work.
He's an amazing person and indeed, there's so much other women out there, certainly the younger and better looking ones with an income of their ow who'd make him so much happier than I could ever do.
I don't want this to fail. But I've got this feeling that sooner rather then later, he'll realise a person like me isn't right for him.
