I started that yesterday, but I don't know how to write it all down. It's not as easy as I thought it would be.

While one thing was going down, a lot of other things happened too. That's life, right? And maybe there are some things I  don't want to remember.

We'll see where that one goes. Who knows,it could be freeing. Even though, it's not the first time I tried to tell my story. Most people just run away, it's too much, too confusing, it can't be real etc. Well, it is real, it did all happen and it is indeed quite a bit.

I can fill up a book by writing it down. It's not something I can tell pretty quickly.

No easy story like: my childhood years were troubled, but I survived, I was a teen, doing stupid things teenagers do, got pregnant, married, divorced, new relationship with lots of ups and downs and here I am now.

Nope.

The hardest part of being me, is still remembering a lot of things and being too kind to people who have hurt me and trying to keep on forgiving, keep on living, trying to keep a family together and be a good person, good daughter, good wife (to whom?), good mother, good sister, good friend, ...

But I must admit, I fail on a lot of different aspects of life. And forgiving and acting kind and as if nothing ever happened (because you know, life goes on, right, you can't keep on holding a grudge, so get over it already!), isn't exactly easy. Sometimes I just wanna stay angry and I often think, if it wasn't for my son, there would be a lot of people I wouldn't be in contact with anymore. I probably wouldn't be in this country anymore (thanks ex-husband, you made me bound to this country, not sure I like it!). Off course, being a parent changes your life. I have to do a lot of things I most likely wouldn't be doing if I wouldn't have been a mom. I keep on thinking: it's for the best of my child, so I have to! Even to those who were never nice to me and still aren't. Even when there are afwull secrets I have to keep. Even when I have to be nice to people who probably deserve to be shot. Even when some things keep on giving me nightmares, but for the well-being of my child, there's some things I keep on doing. Because he deserves a better life, a more normal life, then I ever had. Even though I doubt he can ever have a normal life. Too much already happened to my baby. He'll Always be different then those around him.

Pondering..

Sometimes it would be easier if I couldn't remember what my life was like a few years ago, or even as a child.

It is what it is. I have to face myself, my life, the past I carry around with me and the future I'm not sure I'll ever get to.