My 'forbidden' love...

Yes I know, I'm a grown woman, but still, I have a big crush.
This person makes me feel like a teenager again, that falls madly in love.

I've had an 'online' romantic relationship with this person in the past.
But I really was in love with that person.
So much, I dreamt of us being together in real life once.
We don't leave anywhere near each other though, so the chances of us ever meeting, are extremely slim.

I've been in contact with this person for many years, I believe a little over a decade by now.
I don't remember exactly when we met.
I was under the age of 20 I think.
And we met in a Dimmu Borgir chat.
At first, our contact was very superficial.
Talking about small things. But mostly, sharing thoughts on music and sharing a passion there.

After a while (well, years passed), we started talking about other things too, getting to know each other.
I learned about his personal life and vice versa.
Years later, we started an online romantic relationship.
He doesn't live anywhere close to me, so I didn't think anything would happen, but I sure did dream about it.

But, I'm a mom and he's younger then me and never wanted to get involved with a single mom in real life. And on top of that, my dissabilites became a real problem. I could never be a good wife to a hard working man.
He was still very young when I met him, but he grew up to be an awesome man. A beautiful man too!

In all those years we had contact, I got married, had a child, divorced, started a new relationship, been through a lot of shit etc.
When my relationship after my divorce hit rock bottom and ended, I got romantically involved with this man.
And gosh, how much in love I was.

At one point though, I got back together with my ex-partner, but I wasn't willing to give up contact with this man.
Off course that pissed off my partner back then.
For a while, he allowed me to still have contact with him, but off course, he didn't like it.
At a certain point, he told me, if I wanted to be in a relationship, I was to breake off contact, because it wouldn't work out in our relationship, him knowing I was still in love with this man and it felt like cheating for him, even though I tried to keep it on a friendship base.
But I could see where he came from and how unfair it was that I still had contact with a person I loved.

So, at a certain point, he made me choose, if I wanted to be in a serious relationship with him, I had to breake off contact with my online 'love'. And I couldn't blame him for asking me to do so. After all, I wouldn't like him to still be in contact with someone I knew he loved deeply.
And I did breake off contact.

Never stopped thinking about him though. Even dreamt about him often.
I didn't have anyone to talk about that.
What would I say? Hey, I dream of this man, that lives far away from me, that I have never met in person, but I'm still in love with?
Who'd understand?
I couldn't tell anyone how often I dreamt of him.
Visiting his country, trying to meet him and sometimes, in my dreams, I succeeded in meeting him, other times, the dream was really weird and disturbing, leaving me dazzled throughout the day.

I never forgot about him. How could I?
When I say I care for someone, when I like someone, love someone, I do mean it.
He always had a place in my heart and mind and never left.

I really like this person.
His character, personality, his passion for music, the way he lives life.
His beautiful eyes and his appearance.

Recently, my current relationship stranded. Wasn't a big surprise, was just waiting to happen. Things were always difficult between us.

With all the refugees in the news and my forbidden love's country in the news for different kinds of reason, I searched for him again, wanted contact again. To know if he was alright or not.
He accepted my friendship request and we had a bit of small talk.
Immediatly I fell in love all over again, like a teenager.
So silly.

But now things are all weird between us.
I honestly don't remember exactly when we broke off contact.

I would be so ashamed to tell him I don't just think of him and kept on thinking of him all these years, but that I still like him very much and he makes my heart pound just a little bit faster every time I think of him.
That would sound very weird, right?

I don't believe anything could ever happen, because I'm still a single mom, I'm older then him and my looks aren't all that well (and a beautiful man deserves a healthy and beautiful woman, so what do I have to offer?).

It's weird between us right now and I don't know what to talk about.
When we chatted for the first time again, he asked about my boyfriend and at time, we weren't seperated yet. I still had some hope we would get through our problems.
I don't know how to tell my forbidden love I'm single again.
I certainly don't want to give him the idea he's the reason we broke up. If only it were that easy haha.
I don't know how to tell him anything about my life and how much of a big part of my life, heart and soul he's still been the past years.
How much I longed for contact.

I'm just glad he's in my life again and I hope, one day I get to meet him, no matter what would happen if we did meet.
Just hanging out would be awesome, just meet the person I like so very much.

He's on my mind more often then he probably realises.

Right now, I'm just glad we're in contact again.
And I hope we can get some conversations started again.
I always loved talking with him.
He always put a smile on my face.

Not trying to force anything and I'm not naïve, I know nothing will ever happen romantically.

I'll probably write about him more in the future.
For now, I just don't know how to put into words how I feel about it all and how ashamed I am I broke off contact in the past and certainly ashamed I instantly feel like a teenager when I see his name appear.
But at the same time, I treasure that feeling.
And feel blessed he's a part of my life again, in some sort of active way.

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