Month is not starting out so well.
My mom has got a malicious tumor in her breast.
That needs further investigation and off course, treatment.
Soon, she'll have an appointment in a hospital to find out how it should be treated and we'll know more about how dangerous it actually is.

I feel really bad about it and I'm trying not to freak out.

Though the relationship between me and my mom hasn't always been good (that's an understatement), we became close the past years and I love how we get along now.
I never stopped loving my mom, even when it was tough and situations were bad.
She's my mom!

I've been trying my best to be a good daughter and make her proud and I think, every now and then, I actually succeeded.
She helped me out a lot the past years.
Even when she disagreed with my relationship and pushed me to start dating someone else.
Something she really wanted for me, a good man, a happy family, a good house to live in, days worth living, a better health.
I did my best and only failed on the partner part. Though she's very glad it finally ended now and said to me: time to find a better man for you, one you deserve and who deserves you.
(meant in a very sweet way off course).

My mom has already been struggling with things like severe back pains, shoulder pain, her knees failed on her, in short, she's been through a lot of physical pain lately and it didn't seem to stop.
But she keeps on going, keeps on working, keeps on doing her hobbies and keeps in touch with the family.
She even took care of my child when I couldn't and helped us out when things went bad between me and my child.

I owe my mom so much.
Sure, there's some painfull thoughts concerning my past (many years ago), but there's no reason to hold onto that.
We both have changed and my mom is happy now.
She found herself a new partner, she's happy with him (I don't like him, for personal reasons, but I can never tell her, she'd be broken if I did and I'm not going to ruin this relationship for her!).
They live in a nice house, his kids come by very often and his sister does too and has become some sort of friend for my mom.
She's no longer alone, can have the big christmass diners she's always dreamed about.

After years of doing a job she didn't really like and took away most time out of her days, she finally found a job that suits her. Not always pleasant, but she's got more free time and a good pay check (not that she's extremely wealthy, but she gets by, that's important and she's got some time to do what she likes to do).

With her previous job, I was often concerned I'd get a call one day that she was in a car accident. The long trips, how exhausted she was and then the times she told me she almost fell asleep or thought she had fallen asleep for real behind the wheel, because she couldn't remember how she got where she got.
Scary as hell, I can assure you!
So I'm very happy that she doesn't have to drive so far and so long anymore and not work so many hours anymore.

On all fronts, things were changing for the better for her.
My brother had a child in october 2014 and my mom couldn't be more proud.
Since she never saw the children of my sister, she thought, now she got to see another grand child grow up.
Dissapointing though, because my brother doesn't make much efforts to go to her place, or even arrange for her grand child to spend a day there. She arranged for a baby bed, baby chair, things like that. My mom did make a good effort, she was looking forward to babysitting etc.
But that never happened and probably never will.
My brother breakes her heart by doing so.

Unfortunatly, she missed out on a lot of my child too, because we lived too far away at that time and my ex-husband hated her very much and on top of that, she was still with my very agressive stepdad who promised to hurt my child very bad (not exactly a situation where one says: fine, you can babysit my child and he can sleep over for a night or two.
My mom didn't see it that way though, not even when my stepdad arrived yet again at her house with a gun, wanted to smash everything, threatened to kill her, or me, especially me.

But now the situation is different.
It's safe where she lives now, it's a warm house.

Off course I'm making up for the lost time and I wish it would have been like that years ago.
But I can't make my child a baby again off course and I can't have any children anymore.

Thankfully the son of her partner, is expecting a child!
She'll get to experience the pregnancy from close. They don't live far from her, so they pop in very often.
And I'm sure they'll get to babysit that child when it's born.
Something to look forward to for her.
Not all news has to be bad.

Gosh, I still can't grasp that she's got a tumor.
She's already been through so much.
I hope the treatment will be easy and not make her sick.
I'm hoping for a simple surgery to take the tumor out and she'll probably get some chemo to prevent other tumors to grow.
I hope it will be as easy as that.
Don't know what to do or how to feel if we get the news it has spread throughout her body.
I can't imagine it, I don't want to yet.
I certainly don't want to think worst-case scenario.
As my mom says: let's just stay positive.

I can still freak out later on.
I have to pull myself together, because my mom still wants to enjoy life and make the best out of it and I want to be there for her and make sure she gets a good life, even if we get the worst news possible (let's just say it's extreme and she would be facing a long and hard struggle and eventually die much sooner then anyone wishes, I don't want to freak in the meanwhile, I want to be strong for her and give her everything she wants, I can cry later, right?).

I love her so much. I can't imagine my life right now without my mom in it.
I don't want to think about it.
Off course thoughts like that do cross one's mind, because tumors and cancer suck big time and are life threatening. We don't have to make it into something it's not.
I'll just have to make sure I'm going to keep my worries and fears to myself.

She's already being burdened with her partner being really sick because of all the stress.
Just recently his brother in law died from bonemarrow cancer.
And now his partner is diagnosed with a malicious tumor.
Off course he's freaking out.
But that's not what my mom needs.

She should be given the chance to freak out if she wants to and have a good support.
But she's being tough again, and she's his rock right now.
Gosh, that woman is strong!

Whenever I freak, I'm just gonna write about it.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. That's okay.
I can deal with this.
I have to!
I will.