Meaningless is my life.
I understand why people leave, why people don't want me around.

I don't really have anything to offer. And I'm disabled and always have something on my mind, troubling me.
Not that I go around and try to put all these things on others, but apparantly they notice and don't want to bother me with more or want me to put these worries on them.
I can understand them.

When I'm going through shit, I don't need others to put more shit on my plate either.

But sometimes I just wished my life could be meaningfull, that I could offer something to someone.
Other then worries and misery off course.

But I can't seem to be able to do so.
I'm nothing but a burden to those I care about and it only makes me hate myself more then I possibly did before.

Now I can't even be a part of my own mother's life. She doesn't want that.
I can understand that.
She just got diagnosed with a bad tumor. Tests will clear up whatever tumor it is, if it's treatable etc.
Off course she doesn't want me around for that.
I make her feel bad, afwull and I guess that's even an understatement.
She doesn't want me to free my schedule to spend time with her. Why would she?
She's got loving family members, a good partner, his family is there for her too and they are very cheerfull, well-dressed, good looking, a step higher on the social ladder then I could possibly ever be (I don't have a job and I'm disabled, so there's nothing I've got to offer and I don't look well either and I don't wear make up, fancy clothing etc).
I know my mom is also embarressed because I've got saggy boobs, due to weight loss after childbirth and dark times with no money to buy food. On top of that, due to grinding my teeth, they are extremely afwull looking. It's a disgrace and she doesn't want to be seen with me.
It's not a support at all for her when I'm around.

She says I make her feel as if she's already gone, just because I want to spend time with her.
Her partner recently got admitted to the hospital, emergency, because of a serious bowel infection.
I thought it was normal to go and pay a visit and spend some time with my mom too, since he got admitted to the hospital the same day as she went to the hospital to have a bioptie of her tumor.
Moral support, try to put her mind off of these things, make her smile, small things.
But I did bad.
Now she doesn't want me to come to the hospital anymore, she doesn't want me to visit her at home, doesn't want me to join her when she needs to go in for further examinations (because she's got other and better family members then can be of better support).

I already felt bad about myself, but this kinda kicks in very hard.

At this moment, I don't think she'd want me near if she'd be dying. And I can't even blame her.
Haven't been a good daughter, ever. What made me think I could ever be a good daughter, someone who'd lift her spirit up instead of take her down?
Why would I think anything I do would be considered just a nice thing?
She always thinks I've got a double agenda and she finds my presense offensive and unnessecary.

All the birthdays and mother's days should have given me a clue.
She never wanted me present on any of these days and was always much happier when my sister and / or brother came by, even when the children of her new partner came to visit and celebrate this days.
She always cancelled on the days I wanted to come over and I do wanted to come over, she arranged it so that nobody else would see me.

Why would it be any different now?
Why would I think I wouldn't be a disgrace anymore and actually could lend some moral support? Why would I think she'd want me to be around?

Gosh, I feel so stupid!
Thinking anything I do would matter to anyone.

My soul is broken and I thought I could heal it, by doing something meaningfull for someone else.
Because in the end, all my heart and soul really needs and wants, is to make someone else happy. I don't care much for myself, because I don't have any reason to think highly of myself.

But I guess in the end, people would rather die alone then have me nearby.

Got the hint now, I guess, I hope.

I just hope all of this will be over soon.
I just want to dissapear, no longer be a burden to anyone.
I don't want this shit anymore.

Got the message, I ruin lives, I breake hearts, I darken souls, I make people miserable and my presence is not needed, ever, for anyone.

Feel rather stupid now.

I just long for an eternal sleep now. Knowing that will leave the world a better place and soothe the hearts and souls of the people I really care about.