Today I'm going to visit my mom.
My brother will be there too.

I will have to pretend again, that everything is just fine.
That I don't mind being left out.
That I don't miss anyone.
That I'm not worried about my mom.

I will have to pretend everything's fine at home as well.
Because there's no way I can explain what's really going on.

My mom wouldn't believe me anyway, if I told her how my son is acting towards me.

I guess a mom is supposed to love her child unconditionally anyway.
No matter how much your child hurts you and tells everyone what a bitch you are, you still have to love'm, right?
I cannot say out loud that my love turns out to be conditional.

My mom already thinks very low of me and wants to be proven wrong that I'm a big mistake, a huge failure. My mom wishes I can proof I can do one thing right.
But hey, I can't.
I messed this motherhood thingy totally up. Seems like I was born to fuck it all up.

Wish I could play pretend as well as my child can.
He's an asshole (sorry, he really is) when he's alone with me. But the moment we enter a room with other people, he's a sweet angel.
He behaves extremely well, is very nice to me, polite to everyone else and seems like a very normal child who's extremely happy and loves his mom to death.
And then we leave and I can feel his mood change.

God, he sucks the life out of me.

But I must pretend everything is alright.
My mom's battle is bigger then mine.
My brother cannot be dissapointed again in me either.
I need them to believe everything is alright, because my child needs them and if I mess it up right now, my child could be the victim of that.
I have to play pretend just a little bit longer, untill everything is sorted out and my being doesn't matter anymore and won't influence the well-being of my child any longer.

I will take a bath, find nice clothing, cry before going out and then put on my happy face.
I can do this.