Whenever I write something down to blog about, just to get out of my system, it seems like I'm only able to write about to most 'simple' things on my mind.
It's not the things bothering me the most of all, or keeping me up at night.
There's so much more going on and those things are just the tips of the iceberg.
When I finish writing, it's good I got it out of my system, but I'm always left with the feeling I should have written about other things too, or more about other things, because they are much more important for me.

Now I want to write about it and I'm in a loss of words, my thoughts start to freeze over and I become numb.

Sometimes there's just too much going on in my mind.

I just hope today I can finally manage to participate in some sort of normal life again.
The past few weeks have been exhausting. Mainly due to my ill health, extreme fatigue (exhaustion would be a better word), a feeling of anxiety, sleepless nights and sleepy days.
Everything's a bit chaotic and I hope, I'm working towards a big turn-around.

I didn't pay enough attention to friends that matter.
I didn't say the things I needed to say to those I wanted to hear about it and I know they actually care.
I didn't get involved in social participating, because I didn't feel well.

It's hard to describe to someone what it feels like if you don't feel well inside your head. And the stigma of mentall illness is always lurking around the corner.
No, I'm not mentally ill.
I'm just drained sometimes!
And then I don't know how to feel: angry, sad, dissapointed, afraid, happy, extatic, filled with joy and pride, couragous, discouraged, ... Sometimes all at once happen and that's freaky.
Do I get to laugh while crying and celebrating while being anxious? Something like that I guess.

Trust issues have become a part of my life again too.
Not a big issue usually, but right now, I'm feeling rather fragile and then it gets to me.
People suck and that's just that. Not all of them, thankfully.
But most are in your life, not because they care so much about you, but just because they want to mess around with you.
And for some reason, I'm keeping some of those people in my life.
Well, I thought it would be for my own good to keep them at some distance in my life, just to make sure I could get a feeling of what they're up to, just to be prepared for whatever hell they would be throwing my way.

Doesn't sound very logically thinking about it now. Because, what has it brought me, other then a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of pondering thoughts?
I should cut them all out of my life.
I don't do well with those things, I'm not the kind of person who's able to shake these things off just like that!
Time to clean up this mess.

Other then that, I haven't been paying enough attention to my health. I keep telling myself I do so, but the truth is, I've been so exhausted and my mind has been so blurred, I haven't been up to it!
I couldn't find the strength to take care properly.
When I noticed that (too late, always too late!!), I finally made a call, so I could arrange some help around the house.
It's not that I'm completely uncapable of managing everything around the house. But I must admit, my health isn't so good I get around without affecting the rest of my life when I do so.
I have to be a good mom in the first place and second, take care of my animals and garden, then off course my family and friends and in the spare time left, perhaps I could pay some attention to having a nice time every now and then, an 'off time'..
Haven't had one of those in a long time, unless you count in hanging around on the internet or lying on the sofa as 'me-time'. Wasn't very much fullfilling though!
So, I called for extra help around the house, which gave me flight back to reality.
I dreamed my health was much better, perhaps I could even get to be cured.
But, I will have to deal with this the rest of my life and try to man up and ask for help whenever needed!

Tomorrow someone's gonna come over and have a conversation, an intake conversation, on what chores need to be done, prices to be discussed etc.

It will be hard at first. Knowing myself, being too proud to ask for help or not wanting to admit there's things I can no longer do.
But if it makes me sleep better at night, gives me the opportunity to live a better life, get a bit more healthy etc, then it's sure worth the pain in the beginning.

I don't like strangers in my house though.
That's always tough on me. Mostly those people, caretakers, are women too. One side, a good thing off course, I wouldn't feel comfortable with a man around the house.
But women are also nosey, extremly judgemental and always ready to tell you off.
Yeah, as if I really need you to tell me how lazy and stupid and unworthy I am! I didn't exactly choose to be born with a handicap! I don't want to feel sick every day and I'd rather clean out my own house and change my own bedding sheets, that's kind of a private place in my house I cherish...
And on top of top, it seems like they don't seem to get that I'm already struggling every now and then.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for talking, let's say I talk too much every now and then (okay, most of the time!).
But if you come inside my house, when I'm most fragile, I don't want to hear about how hard your life is, your struggles, your bad marriage, how tough it is on you to raise your kids, how much your back hurts, how often you need to see a doctor, how afwull your job is etc etc etc.
I'm not the kind of person who shakes that off either!
I'm gonna lay awake at night, just thinking about all of your problems. So when you come over the next time, I'll be cleaning like a madman, just be sure you don't have to do any work, I'll be serving you coffee, give you medical and health advice, sit down to listen to your problems etc and feel so drained afterwards and won't be able to move a leg for the next week, let alone, sleep at night again.

Oh no, don't get me wrong, I'm not pessimistic. I'm totally gonna give this a chance. I must.
I'm just reflecting on past experiences and how I let it ruin the actual help I needed.
It gave me stress, I let it get me down.
Extremely down.
One time, I allowed one of those caretakers to push me right into a depression. Right!!
The other time, I was so aggravated, I called off all help, for I felt so violated inside my own house.
I was really angry!
Why was I paying for someone to come inside my house, just so she could drop all of her problems unto me, then not doing the job she was supposed to do, leaving me with much more work then I had before, plus sleepless nights and stomach aches?
The blame's on me, off course.
I allowed it to happen!

So, I'm gonna have to try and figure out how I can make this work this time.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be cold and distant, but I have to change something in my behaviour, so I can get the help I need (I do pay for it, right?) without giving me extra problems, which would take a long time to resolve.

I'm also 'busy' trying to get the father of my child pay for the extra expenses he's supposed to pay for.
And waiting for him to make a move;
He said he wanted to disown his son. Legally no longer be his father.
And last time I spoke with him, he sounded extremly angry, again.. As I've known him for years off course.
There's just no way one is able to have a normal conversation with that man.
He just starts throwing tantrums your way and is blinded by his own vision and opinion on the matter.
He'd never want to acknowledge what actually happened and why I protected my child.
I wish he wasn't so stupid!
I know I'm too good looking, but c'mon, if there was ever the slightest chance the child wasn't his, don't you think I would have held on to that and not allow him in my life?
I wouldn't have told him I was pregnant back then, if it sure as hell wasn't his child. Not even if there was a very slim chance it wasn't his child.
I wish I did sleep around, so there would have been reasonable doubt!
I wouldn't have felt that I needed to tell him he was going to be a father. Nope, I would have stayed a single mom, no contact whatsoever with him.
Oh, how my life would have been so much better and my child less ruined! (as in mentally hurt, ruined sounds so harsh haha).

Ah, well, we'll see if I ever get a court order to undergo a DNA test.

Just when you think that fight is over, it starts all over again.
But it's okay, I can handle it this time. I hope.
It's exhausting, to say the least.

And what do I have to keep on telling my child about his father?
Sometimes it's extremely hard to stay nice and yes, sometimes I tell my child: damnit, it's not me that's being an asshole, that's your father, I'm not keeping you from seeing him, he doesn't want to see you, no matter how hard I try and I shouldn't even have to try, it's HIS responsibility, I just try for YOUR sake, not mine or his..
Oh my.
I shouldn't do that.
But no matter how hard you try, it's always a hot topic for your child, because there's so much unresolved issues, so many questions that will never be answered. A hope, a wish, a dream... But it will all be shattered.
And that makes me feel really bad.
No child deserves this!

Then I think, what the hell was I thinking? Ringing him when we finally broke up. I was finally free. I mean, he moved on, I moved on.
He didn't contact me anymore.
But I was pregnant and I felt it was the right thing to do to tell him he would be a father (in the logic: every man has the right to know he has a child).
Man, that was a big mistake.
Didn't I learn from the few years I've spent with him?

Ah well, that's done. Mistakes are made.
Years and years later, a marriage and divorce later, depressions and anxiety, personality disorders and extreme illness... It's in the past now.
Sort of.

I just became stronger.
Now the only 'demon' I still have to fight, is my dissability.
The one doctors kept from me for years and years and just laughed in my face and called me a whiny bitch, lazy, not wanting to work, crying over a little ache and shit like that.
It wasn't a little ache you scumbag!
There's actually a lot of things wrong with my body and it didn't get caused by my divorce, I was born with it!
Specialists have proven by now, by diverse tests, most of my ailments find their origin in my DNA (meaning, I was born with this and suffered from it through childhood as well) or were caused by ailments during childhood (before the age of 12yrs old).
So, no, it didn't get caused by 'stress' during my teenage years, my early twenties etc.
It DID already hurt well before the real life struggles happend.
The struggles didn't help off course, they just set it off in record time speed.
But how was I supposed to know, if I always got mocked to such a point that I just stopped mentioning any of it?
I thought I was being too sensitive and should just man up, put my big girl panties on, suck it up and move on.
How was I supposed to know that some of my ailments could have lead to dying?
How was I supposed to know some of those ailments would lead me to someday be bound to my bed and wheelchair?
Now I know.

Some dreams are no longer within my reach. I had to adjust my perspective of life in every way.
But that's okay.
I'll manage to deal with all of that someday. Not today, but someday.
Today, I'm still trying to be normal.

Someday I'll admit loud and proud: I have a dissability and I'm living life with it, adjusted to my dissabilities!
But not today.

Today I want to clean my house (but I won't be able to do so, so I'll just have to get back to bed, for I feel my eyes are already getting really heavy, unable to stay open), today I want to teach my animals some tricks (but I won't be able to, my mind is all blurred up), today I want to practice on the djembé (but I won't be doing so, my back hurts so much I'm almost crying, I'm not even sure I'll manage to get all my toilet visits needed today), today I want to do some of my hobbies, like drawing or beading (but I won't be able to, body is just not coöperating blegh!).
Today I'm gonna pretend I can do all of those things. Even thinking about cooking a very nice and luxuruous dinner! Fresh potatoes with nice veggies.
Dreams, ah, so precious!

Today however, I won't be doing much. I will have to listen to my body.
Take a nap again, try to relax.
Had to call off fysiotherapy, for it wouldn't be safe to drive that distance today.
Won't be able to focus, so no paperwork will be done today.
Hands are a bit shaky, so who knows, I might be able to peel a potato later on today, but there's also a chance I can barely force my body to lift a cooking pot to fill with water and just cook some rice or pasta instead.
We'll have to see what today brings.

For now I'll just take my blurry mind to bed.
Hope some sleep will get some things sorted.

No point in pondering about things, without the ability to change a lot of them.
Let's take care of my exhausted body and mind instead then.
Hopefully waking up refreshed afterwards!

Have a good day all!

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