How I wish he would fight with me. Or talk to me.
It's really confusing now.

We're seperated.
But sometimes I think I'm the only one who's sure of that.
If he could, he'd just slip into our lives again.

Does he not get it? It's done, over.
I don't want to get hurt again like he's been hurting me the past few years.
Letting me hope and dream of a better future, yet to come.
Always just beyond my reach.

It would be so much easier if we could set some things straight. Talk about some issues we had.
How we both experienced some things.

But he won't.

He pops by, sits on the sofa, watches tv with us, puts the lil one to bed, just as if we would still be together!
If I'd ever experience trouble with my ex husband again, he'd be here, to defend us, to fight for us.
But why?
Why do that, but not actually live with us?
Why would he only want to be around when things like that happen?

If I ended up in hospital again (due to health issues), he'd be by my side, he'd take care of me right there and then.
But leave me all alone again once I get better.
Why?

Sometimes I think he only likes me when I'm fragile, in need of help, dependant.
When he can make descisions for me, for my child.
Perhaps he needs something to push him to give that extra bit.
But I can't fake an illness or weakness.
I don't want to spend my life feeling terrible and complaining and being pathetic.

No, I'm not calling him pathetic. Or maybe I am.
I'm angry at him.

I'm experiencing the same kind of physical pain every day, the same kind of fatigue, the same obstacles in life, due to my health. I had dreams too, I had to give up, only due to my health.
I cannot have the job I want anymore, cannot persue just anything I like whenever I like.

But it's not worth it to keep on dwelling on the past.
Sure, we've got some stories to tell.
Some afwull, some pleasant.
Our histories are intresting, to say the least.

But that's over.
I'm alive now. I worked hard to be alive now.
It's not easy to be alive now.
I had to give up some essential things to be alive today.
Like my feminity.
Perhaps he doesn't experience it that way. But I did get surgery, to get castrated, just so I could be alive today.
That changed life in it's whole for me.
My purpose was to be a mom.
Now I'm not needed anymore, not as I used to be.
My child can take care of himself now. He wouldn't be bothered with me being absent more often. He finds his way through life with great ease.
I know, if I'd die today, he'd be alright. He's strong and couragious.
I can't get another child anymore. I had to give that up, just to be alive today.

I promised, if we knew for sure, that that was causing me to feel as afwull as I always felt, I'd go on with the surgery and I kept my promise. I promised to work on making life in general better, for everyone, and I did.
I made huge changes and I hoped he'd be proud of me, celebrating by my side.

Instead, he left my life.
He stopped caring.
No more conflicts, that's what he says.
What conflicts?
If I want to live together, experience life togheter, that's a conflict?
I guess it is, when you both have different perspectives of what that life should be filled with.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing an online game or watching tv, or reflecting of what once was and never will be again, the could have been's...
I want to live!

He pushed me to get to that feeling, the want to live feeling.
No more dark feelings, no more rock bottoms I couldn't get up off.
He pushed me to gain strength and courage and face life.
He taught me how to wake my inner warrior, mentally and physically.
I can fight now. I can stand my ground. Mentally and physically.
I can handle weapons, I can handle my vocabulary.

Yet, he left us.

I just don't know why!

I did everything he ever wanted me to and he left.
I gave up a lot of things for him, because I wanted to be with him and he just pushed me away.
No explanation.

Yet, he stills walks in my house and pretends everything is alright. We can be friends, right?
I can still go to the store for him, he can still do the laundry and we can still manage the animals.
But I don't think I can.

It hurts like a motherfucker.
He's right there. But so far away.
It's like I don't even know him anymore.
I don't think he's depressed though. Been there, done that.
Perhaps he's just stubborn like hell.
Perhaps he's always been like this and I was just too blind to see.
Perhaps I only saw what I wanted to see, believed what I wanted to believe.

Off course there were much more signs things weren't alright.
And not new signs. We had issues before.
But I blamed most of them on me. Since I had problems, I thought, it's just me. I'm feeling bad and I'm taking it out on him, thus he feels bad and the circle's round again.
Made sense.

Plus, my child isn't the most easy child, he's already been through a lot (to say the least!) and those two, well, they just don't get along.
Where he's very militant, my son's very outgoing, doesn't care much for rules and discipline, he doesn't fare too well on too strict measures, while he does extremely well when he gets drilled and ordered around.
(perhaps I should have bossed him around in order to get a good relationship? Yeah, sounds ridiculous to me too!).

The spark that once kept us from seperating completely, I feel is gone now. It's not just a moment.
It hasn't been around for months. We just had some sort of agreement: I leave you alone, you leave me alone, if that's not possible, you live in your house, I live in mine.
That's sort of how it's been the past few months.
A cold distance between us.
So many things left unspoken.

I feel a bit betrayed.
We got ourselves an 'engagement' tattoo. But we're never gonna get married, off course.
Why would he marry someone he doesn't bother to be around?
And he's not attracted to me any longer either. No matter how I dress up, or how hard I try, nothing would happen.
That's just really afwull, when your own partner doesn't want to give you a second look (or a first one for that matter).
When already in doubt if you're still a good person, a good woman, a good partner, a good mother, a beautifull lady and your partner doesn't even want to look at you, that kinda ruins your self-esteem.

Now, I've never done well on complementing myself, getting myself to lighten up and bring a smile to my face.
Why would I? I'm not that keen on living with myself :P
I can get why someone doesn't like me. I live with myself every day and I don't like myself.
I annoy the hell out of my own family and don't really have close friends that would bother to be around me.
So, yeah, feeling well about myself, is not something I can give myself easily.

And he sure as hell wasn't (still isn't) going to give that to me.
He wouldn't want to hold me, just to say: hey woman, you're alright, you're more then alright, you're the best and I feel lucky to have you. He'd never make me feel as if he's thankfull I'm still alive and kicking and fighting to get this thing going.
He made me feel (still makes me feel) as if it wasn't worth the try. Or even worse, as if since then, everything got worse, I became a worse person then I ever was before and now I just don't have anything else to give, since a woman's worth kinda gets thrown out of the window once she starts to age and loses fertility.
Okay, I would say that's total nonsenses when someone else said this to me.

But when you get post menopause on a young age and your child is very independantt and there's no one else around that wants to even take a secon look, it's hard to believe there is still something left I can give this world.

That's just something I have to battle on my own.
Find my self-worth.

It's true, no one can be held responsible for your own happiness, other then yourself.
That sucks.
I'm the one person I really don't trust, since I've always been trying to hurt myself. Now I have to rely on myself to get passed this. To heal.

Now I have to be strong enough to get over this too.

Don't know how yet.
It's all so very fresh. And I know, people who've been around me for a while, have seen this coming and aren't surprised at all.
But I kept on hoping for the best.
That's when you do when you vow to love someone unconditionally and spend the rest of your life together.
I'm that kind of a fool you know.
And I try to keep my promises.
How was I supposed to know he'd loose all intrest in me the moment I became a shining star instead of a damsel in distress?
How was I to know he'd be turned off the moment I could stand my ground? He taught me all of this!
He wanted me to be a warrior in every possible way, to purchase whatever dreams I had left in me, to shine as bright I possibly could, to find some love left inside my heart, some hope left for the world around me. He wanted to bring out the best in me and the moment that surfaced, he walked out of my life.
Oh well, he slowly dissapeared.

And yet, he doesn't want to leave completely.
I'd say, he wants to be friends with benefits, only those benefits would have nothing to do with something sexual or intimate for that matter.
The benefits would be practical and financial.
Or I could be his memory from the past, listening to the same stories, over and over again, from back when he was still more healthy then he is today, and when he was at his best (long before I came around).

I really don't know where this is going.
It's not going to be alright though.
Right now, it hurts really bad and I don't know if I have to hit him when I see him, or cry, yell at him, I don't know.
On the other hand, I can't really blame him either. We'be been through hell and back and everything he had to deal with, both as us being a couple, as helping me fight my demons, as fighting his own demons, as trying to be a rock for my child, as trying to ward of my ex husband, as trying to help me find the right path amongst humang beings and get the backstabbers seperated from the people worth putting energy into... So much has been going on.
Life happened to us.
He hasn't killed me yet.

For some reason, I do expect him to do so.
Why?

Because I hold secrets within me. Both secrets he's told me and I promised to keep safe (and I will, they'll die with me!) and secrets I've kept from him and will never tell him.
Some things he will find out.
And he'll probably not be pleased about it.
I did make one big promise that I broke.
I kind of always knew I'd breake this promise and somehow, I think he knew too.
Certain words could not be mentioned and he knew what I was thinking about listening to certain songs and I guess he's always known there's things he would never be able to give me.
Some passions we just don't share.
I keep on thinking, if he finds out I'm exploring some things again, he will feel very much betrayed. Allthough, I have never betrayed him in the true sense of the word. That, I'd never do!
But I did breake this promise. Though, we were already broken up at that point, it still feels like betrayal.
Why? Because he hasn't given up on 'us' yet in a way. He keeps on going for the 'benefits' of still being together, but not really being together.
He thinks that's enough to get around in life. We strongly disagree, that's for sure.

If one person has the right to kill me, I guess it would be him.
I think I'm the only that can get on his nerves so much, he'd actually want to kill someone.
Don't think, if things got really heated up, he'd be able to control himself any longer.
Love and hate, thin line, very thin line!
The longer it goes on, the more fire it gets within itself.
Unable to grasp it, yet you can feel it, growing, building up.
Something's gotta give in the end!

Or would we be able to grow some distance between us and slowly go our own way?
I don't know.

I feel, if there's so much history between two people, it can't just slowly fade away.
I don't think we can go our own way just like that.
I think something's gotta give.
He needs to make clear what he wants, what he expects me to do.
And it needs to be very clear, nothing's gonna happen anymore. After all that's happened, it wouldn't be possible anymore.
We wouldn't feel alright anymore.
We don't complete each other anymore, don't fullfill each other anymore.

We just 'know' each other, just friends, or enemies sometimes.
He's the one who knows how to truly hurt me and I guess that goes for me to.

Let's see if we can manage this as grown ups or if emotions will get the better of us and big fights will start.
Will we kill each other, either literally or metaphorically?
We'll have to wait and see.

No matter how often I give this a second thought, I'm not able to change it as it is.
Patience.
Not my best quality.

Life goes on, with or without a broken heart!

X

Whenever I write something down to blog about, just to get out of my system, it seems like I'm only able to write about to most 'simple' things on my mind.
It's not the things bothering me the most of all, or keeping me up at night.
There's so much more going on and those things are just the tips of the iceberg.
When I finish writing, it's good I got it out of my system, but I'm always left with the feeling I should have written about other things too, or more about other things, because they are much more important for me.

Now I want to write about it and I'm in a loss of words, my thoughts start to freeze over and I become numb.

Sometimes there's just too much going on in my mind.

I just hope today I can finally manage to participate in some sort of normal life again.
The past few weeks have been exhausting. Mainly due to my ill health, extreme fatigue (exhaustion would be a better word), a feeling of anxiety, sleepless nights and sleepy days.
Everything's a bit chaotic and I hope, I'm working towards a big turn-around.

I didn't pay enough attention to friends that matter.
I didn't say the things I needed to say to those I wanted to hear about it and I know they actually care.
I didn't get involved in social participating, because I didn't feel well.

It's hard to describe to someone what it feels like if you don't feel well inside your head. And the stigma of mentall illness is always lurking around the corner.
No, I'm not mentally ill.
I'm just drained sometimes!
And then I don't know how to feel: angry, sad, dissapointed, afraid, happy, extatic, filled with joy and pride, couragous, discouraged, ... Sometimes all at once happen and that's freaky.
Do I get to laugh while crying and celebrating while being anxious? Something like that I guess.

Trust issues have become a part of my life again too.
Not a big issue usually, but right now, I'm feeling rather fragile and then it gets to me.
People suck and that's just that. Not all of them, thankfully.
But most are in your life, not because they care so much about you, but just because they want to mess around with you.
And for some reason, I'm keeping some of those people in my life.
Well, I thought it would be for my own good to keep them at some distance in my life, just to make sure I could get a feeling of what they're up to, just to be prepared for whatever hell they would be throwing my way.

Doesn't sound very logically thinking about it now. Because, what has it brought me, other then a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of pondering thoughts?
I should cut them all out of my life.
I don't do well with those things, I'm not the kind of person who's able to shake these things off just like that!
Time to clean up this mess.

Other then that, I haven't been paying enough attention to my health. I keep telling myself I do so, but the truth is, I've been so exhausted and my mind has been so blurred, I haven't been up to it!
I couldn't find the strength to take care properly.
When I noticed that (too late, always too late!!), I finally made a call, so I could arrange some help around the house.
It's not that I'm completely uncapable of managing everything around the house. But I must admit, my health isn't so good I get around without affecting the rest of my life when I do so.
I have to be a good mom in the first place and second, take care of my animals and garden, then off course my family and friends and in the spare time left, perhaps I could pay some attention to having a nice time every now and then, an 'off time'..
Haven't had one of those in a long time, unless you count in hanging around on the internet or lying on the sofa as 'me-time'. Wasn't very much fullfilling though!
So, I called for extra help around the house, which gave me flight back to reality.
I dreamed my health was much better, perhaps I could even get to be cured.
But, I will have to deal with this the rest of my life and try to man up and ask for help whenever needed!

Tomorrow someone's gonna come over and have a conversation, an intake conversation, on what chores need to be done, prices to be discussed etc.

It will be hard at first. Knowing myself, being too proud to ask for help or not wanting to admit there's things I can no longer do.
But if it makes me sleep better at night, gives me the opportunity to live a better life, get a bit more healthy etc, then it's sure worth the pain in the beginning.

I don't like strangers in my house though.
That's always tough on me. Mostly those people, caretakers, are women too. One side, a good thing off course, I wouldn't feel comfortable with a man around the house.
But women are also nosey, extremly judgemental and always ready to tell you off.
Yeah, as if I really need you to tell me how lazy and stupid and unworthy I am! I didn't exactly choose to be born with a handicap! I don't want to feel sick every day and I'd rather clean out my own house and change my own bedding sheets, that's kind of a private place in my house I cherish...
And on top of top, it seems like they don't seem to get that I'm already struggling every now and then.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for talking, let's say I talk too much every now and then (okay, most of the time!).
But if you come inside my house, when I'm most fragile, I don't want to hear about how hard your life is, your struggles, your bad marriage, how tough it is on you to raise your kids, how much your back hurts, how often you need to see a doctor, how afwull your job is etc etc etc.
I'm not the kind of person who shakes that off either!
I'm gonna lay awake at night, just thinking about all of your problems. So when you come over the next time, I'll be cleaning like a madman, just be sure you don't have to do any work, I'll be serving you coffee, give you medical and health advice, sit down to listen to your problems etc and feel so drained afterwards and won't be able to move a leg for the next week, let alone, sleep at night again.

Oh no, don't get me wrong, I'm not pessimistic. I'm totally gonna give this a chance. I must.
I'm just reflecting on past experiences and how I let it ruin the actual help I needed.
It gave me stress, I let it get me down.
Extremely down.
One time, I allowed one of those caretakers to push me right into a depression. Right!!
The other time, I was so aggravated, I called off all help, for I felt so violated inside my own house.
I was really angry!
Why was I paying for someone to come inside my house, just so she could drop all of her problems unto me, then not doing the job she was supposed to do, leaving me with much more work then I had before, plus sleepless nights and stomach aches?
The blame's on me, off course.
I allowed it to happen!

So, I'm gonna have to try and figure out how I can make this work this time.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be cold and distant, but I have to change something in my behaviour, so I can get the help I need (I do pay for it, right?) without giving me extra problems, which would take a long time to resolve.

I'm also 'busy' trying to get the father of my child pay for the extra expenses he's supposed to pay for.
And waiting for him to make a move;
He said he wanted to disown his son. Legally no longer be his father.
And last time I spoke with him, he sounded extremly angry, again.. As I've known him for years off course.
There's just no way one is able to have a normal conversation with that man.
He just starts throwing tantrums your way and is blinded by his own vision and opinion on the matter.
He'd never want to acknowledge what actually happened and why I protected my child.
I wish he wasn't so stupid!
I know I'm too good looking, but c'mon, if there was ever the slightest chance the child wasn't his, don't you think I would have held on to that and not allow him in my life?
I wouldn't have told him I was pregnant back then, if it sure as hell wasn't his child. Not even if there was a very slim chance it wasn't his child.
I wish I did sleep around, so there would have been reasonable doubt!
I wouldn't have felt that I needed to tell him he was going to be a father. Nope, I would have stayed a single mom, no contact whatsoever with him.
Oh, how my life would have been so much better and my child less ruined! (as in mentally hurt, ruined sounds so harsh haha).

Ah, well, we'll see if I ever get a court order to undergo a DNA test.

Just when you think that fight is over, it starts all over again.
But it's okay, I can handle it this time. I hope.
It's exhausting, to say the least.

And what do I have to keep on telling my child about his father?
Sometimes it's extremely hard to stay nice and yes, sometimes I tell my child: damnit, it's not me that's being an asshole, that's your father, I'm not keeping you from seeing him, he doesn't want to see you, no matter how hard I try and I shouldn't even have to try, it's HIS responsibility, I just try for YOUR sake, not mine or his..
Oh my.
I shouldn't do that.
But no matter how hard you try, it's always a hot topic for your child, because there's so much unresolved issues, so many questions that will never be answered. A hope, a wish, a dream... But it will all be shattered.
And that makes me feel really bad.
No child deserves this!

Then I think, what the hell was I thinking? Ringing him when we finally broke up. I was finally free. I mean, he moved on, I moved on.
He didn't contact me anymore.
But I was pregnant and I felt it was the right thing to do to tell him he would be a father (in the logic: every man has the right to know he has a child).
Man, that was a big mistake.
Didn't I learn from the few years I've spent with him?

Ah well, that's done. Mistakes are made.
Years and years later, a marriage and divorce later, depressions and anxiety, personality disorders and extreme illness... It's in the past now.
Sort of.

I just became stronger.
Now the only 'demon' I still have to fight, is my dissability.
The one doctors kept from me for years and years and just laughed in my face and called me a whiny bitch, lazy, not wanting to work, crying over a little ache and shit like that.
It wasn't a little ache you scumbag!
There's actually a lot of things wrong with my body and it didn't get caused by my divorce, I was born with it!
Specialists have proven by now, by diverse tests, most of my ailments find their origin in my DNA (meaning, I was born with this and suffered from it through childhood as well) or were caused by ailments during childhood (before the age of 12yrs old).
So, no, it didn't get caused by 'stress' during my teenage years, my early twenties etc.
It DID already hurt well before the real life struggles happend.
The struggles didn't help off course, they just set it off in record time speed.
But how was I supposed to know, if I always got mocked to such a point that I just stopped mentioning any of it?
I thought I was being too sensitive and should just man up, put my big girl panties on, suck it up and move on.
How was I supposed to know that some of my ailments could have lead to dying?
How was I supposed to know some of those ailments would lead me to someday be bound to my bed and wheelchair?
Now I know.

Some dreams are no longer within my reach. I had to adjust my perspective of life in every way.
But that's okay.
I'll manage to deal with all of that someday. Not today, but someday.
Today, I'm still trying to be normal.

Someday I'll admit loud and proud: I have a dissability and I'm living life with it, adjusted to my dissabilities!
But not today.

Today I want to clean my house (but I won't be able to do so, so I'll just have to get back to bed, for I feel my eyes are already getting really heavy, unable to stay open), today I want to teach my animals some tricks (but I won't be able to, my mind is all blurred up), today I want to practice on the djembé (but I won't be doing so, my back hurts so much I'm almost crying, I'm not even sure I'll manage to get all my toilet visits needed today), today I want to do some of my hobbies, like drawing or beading (but I won't be able to, body is just not coöperating blegh!).
Today I'm gonna pretend I can do all of those things. Even thinking about cooking a very nice and luxuruous dinner! Fresh potatoes with nice veggies.
Dreams, ah, so precious!

Today however, I won't be doing much. I will have to listen to my body.
Take a nap again, try to relax.
Had to call off fysiotherapy, for it wouldn't be safe to drive that distance today.
Won't be able to focus, so no paperwork will be done today.
Hands are a bit shaky, so who knows, I might be able to peel a potato later on today, but there's also a chance I can barely force my body to lift a cooking pot to fill with water and just cook some rice or pasta instead.
We'll have to see what today brings.

For now I'll just take my blurry mind to bed.
Hope some sleep will get some things sorted.

No point in pondering about things, without the ability to change a lot of them.
Let's take care of my exhausted body and mind instead then.
Hopefully waking up refreshed afterwards!

Have a good day all!

X