I don't have words to describe how I feel lately.
It's easy for others to comment on it and tell me to just a grip on life again.

Life has knocked me down, that's for sure.
I feel like a complete failure, a waste of life.

Some people, not a lot of them, want me to get out of it again and be the positive and happy me I used to be a couple of months ago.
I don't know why though, I haven't exactly been of much value to anyone and have been rather selfish, self-absorbed.
I've hurt people and been hurt.

Some people have totally drained me. Some situations totally got to me.

It's not something recent, just because the breake-up or my mom with a tumor.
It's slowly been creeping up to me.

This summer I took care of a little kitten, with much pleasure off course, I love to nurse any creature that needs help.
But my child, who wanted a kitten so badly, was mad about it every step of the way. Because the kitten was so young, it needed to be bottle fed every few hours and needed a lot of care.
So my child was mad at me, because I've spent a lot of time trying to get this kitten to grow up to become a healthy cat. Took me some effort, but she grew up, is a few months old now and doing fine.
But my child is still angry with me.
Instead of happy we've got the cat he wanted so badly, he's angry with me. Off course!

I've had some issues with his psychologist too and tried to work it out. In the end, she's there for him and not me, so my opinion on her, doesn't really matter. Okay, I've hurt her feelings when I threatened to take legal actions if she didn't stick to secrecy she's supposed to, but that's my right as a parent, even my plight, because I have to protect my child.
I know I've hurt her feelings by doing so, but c'mon, it's a child's well-being at stake.
Off course I speak up and tell her I'll get a lawyer involved if she ever does that again.
For a moment I felt bad for her, she was almost in tears.
But then I thought, we've been through enough shit and if you don't stick to what you're supposed to do and act in the best intrest of the child, I do have to take legal actions! And I can't go and feel sorry for her, when I'm supposed to protect my child.

Now I don't trust her anymore, obviously. But my child still does and they get along and in the end, that's what matters. I just don't tell her too much personal information. She doesn't need to know much about me. Her opinion of me doesn't matter anyway.
She needs to help my child, not me.

My child's trust in her is damaged, because I told him about how she spoke about something she promised not to tell anyone, a subject my child was very much ashamed of.
Okay, I shouldn't have told him, I guess, if I was supposed to let him go and see this psychologist.
But, as I can feel it right now, it seems like he does trust her enough to tell her what he feels.
I don't think he's afraid to talk to her about his home situation at this moment either.

Lately, my child seems to do everything to scream to the outside world what a bitch I am and how bad I treat him.
He makes it look like there's nothing to eat in the house, that I don't care for him, that he doesn't have proper clothing and isn't loved at home and would be better off somewhere else and he's just in pure misery, even gets to be treated badly by me.
He makes me look like an abusive mom.

Turns out, he learned about childrens rights in school and knew exactly what would make it look as if he's in a situation he needs to be saved of....
Right, stab in the heart, I can tell you!

Over and over he keeps on asking me if he can please go and stay somewhere else.

What am I supposed to do then? Deny him that?

It turns out to be a big mistake that I fought to get him back home.
I had to choose to put him in fostercare, because my life was in danger and I needed surgery and recovery. I was a danger to myself too and who knows, I could have been a danger to him.
So, I've put him in fostercare, because that was the right thing to do.

And I medically took care of myself, with the help of my exBF.
I turned out fine, well, not fine, better. And fought to get him home again, because I so badly wanted to be a mom again.

But there was this huge distance between him and me, because his fostermom was everything he ever wished for, everything I never was and never will be.
He also had a blast the weekends he stayed at my mom's house.
And hated being with me.

Now he wants to go back to that and sends out so much mixed messages.
He started lying again to several people about me, making me look extremely bad. Just like he did when he was in fostercare.
Seems like my child can lie quite a bit!
And act too...

His words seem empty now. He can say he loves me, but his actions tell me he hates living here, dislikes me in so many different ways and is so angry at me, he won't forgive me and I don't even know for what.

So yeah, on top of everything else that has happened just this year and the memory of the rest of my life, it's draining me of all energy and positivity.
I wish I couln't feel anymore sometimes, I mean, the emotions that overflow me when it comes down to everything happening in life. My worries, sorrows, my overwhelming thoughts etc.

I don't wanna be me.

I should be happy with everything I've got. But I'm not the kind of person that's happy with thing's I've got, if I've got no one to share it with.
I'm not the kind of person that is filled with self-love and can make herself proud and happy.
I need to get fuelled by being needed, wanted, someone who wants my love and attention, my care, my being etc.
I can only love myself, if I'm of any value to someone else.
And that doesn't seem to be the case.

People turn me down, turn me away, don't want me around, tell me they do not wish I put any time, energy, money, gifts, whatever in them.
If it comes from me, they rather not have it.

That makes me hate myself.
I'm not wanted or needed.

People are more happy when I'm not around.