Djembé lesson was great yesterday.
Well, that is if you only look at the moments where I didn't get those nasty comments from that one person.
If only I could get over something like that.
But previous season, he had comments like that every lesson, even suggesting I wouldn't even touch the skin of the djembé, basically not making a sound at all.
There goes my self-esteem!

I already talked to the teacher of beginners class last week, saying I really didn't want to participate. I threw in my lack of money (which isn't a lie off course, we're running low on money towards the end of the year, this month is very tight!!).
But she suggested I'd join in anyway, since I had way too much fun last course.
And we'd find a good solution concerning the money.

Very nice of her off course. And very much apreciated from me.

So, she said I just had to join in this week's class.
And I did.
I had my doubts though and I had sleepless nights, stomach aches, the usual things.
But I thought, let's give it a try. The class is more then this one person, right?
And the teacher of the advanced class is such a sweetheart and loveable person. I like his classes very much and love the way he teaches and when he throws in his passion, I get carried away.
That would make me forget the nasty remarks from that one other person, right?

So, I joined in. Beginners lesson, repeating the song we were taught last course and it was much fun.
At the end of beginners class, that one person came up to me, asking if I was going to remain to sit where I sat in beginners lesson, close to the teacher. I replied with: yes, why not?
And he said: well, it's extremely disturbing if YOU sit next to the teacher and you play off rythm, too loud etc. That makes it hard for other people to actually enjoy the class. If I were you, I wouldn't do so, it's disturbing..

Okay.
Hard time shaking that off!
And off course, I was too afraid to actually touch the skin of the djembé. No idea if I hit it correctly in anyway at all, no idea if I got the rythm right etc.
On top of that, class often got off rythm, but I'm quite sure it wasn't my fault, since I really wasn't making a lot of sound anyway, I payed attention to that (be quiet!!). Yet, I still get to be to blamed for that!
Like, what???

Wrote an email to that person, saying he had to convince his companion teacher to NOT include me in their classes, at all.
I hate to be the one who disturbs the classes.
And that it would most likely please both of us, me and him.
He doesn't want me in the class and throws nasty comments my way, I hate being the one responsible for the classes to fall apart and not being pleasant for everyone there. It's a win-win if I don't have to be a part of it!

I also wrote a mail to the other teacher, the one who wanted me in the class, saying I really couldn't deal with that.
My self-esteem and self-worth really aren't big enough to deal with those kind of comments week after week and not allowing me to actually practice playing this instrument.. I could as well just bring in a pillow and stroke that and probably still get nasty remarks that I'm the one ruining class for everyone!
Nope, it's not worth the sleepless nights, the bad vibes, stomach aches etc.

I love music, don't get me wrong. If I could, I'd breathe music.
Music, art, nature, the keys to my heart.

But I admit, I don't do well on criticism like that week after week, and well meant...
It's not just saying: you need to improve your skills, because right now, you kinda suck at it.
It's saying: I hate in those classes, you ruin everything, for everyone and especially for me and every time you touch the damned instrument, I cringe, so stay the fuck away, you disturbing piece of shitty human being.
That, I cannot take!
I'd rather NOT touch the instrument then.
I may look tough sometimes, but I'm not. I'm a fragile human being and I get hurt easily, probably because I'd never be such a heartless bitch towards someone else, certainly if it concerns someone's passion / heart.

Let's see where that goes..

Damn, I really loved thoses classes, up untill the nasty remarks that is off course.
And I don't know how to explain to the teacher of the advanced classes that I really love his classes.
He's a pleasant person and I always enjoyed getting a heart warming greeting, hug and kiss.
(and yes, he smells good too haha, a girl can have her pleasures too, right? ).

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