In all of my darkness, a little bit of happiness too.

After years and years of searching, I finally found the person who's behind the song 'Cut'.
Never thought I'd ever find anything about it!
I gave up a few years ago.

Just a little while ago, I've put that song online.
And then I stumbled upon a 'double' and thought, let's read the comments.
And in those comments, people asked where to get the album (there's an album with this song on!!) and someone said to search for Jez Ball on facebook.

That's exactly what I did off course.
He accepted the friendship request, happy dance.
And I gathered some courage and spoke to him.

First he thought I was referring to his new band, Winter's Thrall.

When I said I actually meant the song 'Cut', he seemed a bit surprised (yes, some people actually love this song haha).
Some day in my life, I will own a cd with this song on!!!
Couldn't be more happier!

I had a very nice chat with this person too.
Such a lovely person, who seems to have been through a lot of crap in life as well.

And I love how he translates that into music my soul seems to dig very well.

Good things do happen too!
Thank you Jez.

And, the song 'Cut' is perfect the way it is. I can't believe you'd want to change it. Don't! It's exactly right the way it is, at least, for me.
I don't care about chorus and bridges and so on. This song screams what I want to say, it says exactly what my soul feels like right now.
I thank you very much for creating this masterpiece.

A certain woman keeps on talking to me and I haven't got a clue if I can trust her or not.
So often I have told her I don't want anything to do with the spiritual things she's in, because that's one of the things that got to me, making me feel as miserable as I am right now.

But she keeps on talking to me, even though I removed her from my friend's list.

I know she has been lying to me before, I know she has been bad-mouthing me.

I don't know why I keep talking to her.
I have met her in real life and she seemed like such a sweet woman, soft, warm-hearted. So it was indeed hard to believe she'd be involved in all the gossip that has been spread around facebook land about me.
I know she was involved, because I created a fake account, to overlook things, so I know.

Recently she broke up with her partner as well, around the same time as my relationship stranded.

For some reason, she seemed to think that I'd be the ideal person to talk to about her broken heart.
And I listened. I tried to make her feel better.
Didn't get involved in the 'he said - she said' things, none of my bussiness and I could care less why they broke up to begin with.

Recently she told me that she loved me, as a friend, I may hope off course!
Why would she do such a thing?
She invited me over, if I ever needed company.
Well, she already invited me over when she told me about her breake-up, so two women could cry their hearts out over a broken relationship, but honestly, I'm not in for that.
Sure, a good cry over something like that, can be relief and getting things of your heart, can be relieving as well.
But I didn't want to do that with her.

I'm just not sure if I can trust her.
Yet, I want to give it a chance.
Probably another very stupid move of me.
Because it gets to me.
Everything she says, gets to me.

And I wonder about the motives.
What drives people to do things like this?

But I could ask myself the same question. What drives me to stay in touch with her?

Probably I want to be proven wrong that some people are just plain evil and have no feelings whatsoever.
There must be some good in every person.
I met this person in Real Life and she felt very loving.
I guess I'm letting that cloud my judgement.

It all feels very contradictive.
A part of me wants her out of my life, the other part says: c'mon, she's nice and she needs you, don't be a bitch, be a friend, lend her the shoulder she needs to cry on, you've got too much free time anyway, give it to people who need someone else.

Time will tell if this will ruin me or if I made the right decision and give some of my time and energy to a person in need.

Today I'm going to visit my mom.
My brother will be there too.

I will have to pretend again, that everything is just fine.
That I don't mind being left out.
That I don't miss anyone.
That I'm not worried about my mom.

I will have to pretend everything's fine at home as well.
Because there's no way I can explain what's really going on.

My mom wouldn't believe me anyway, if I told her how my son is acting towards me.

I guess a mom is supposed to love her child unconditionally anyway.
No matter how much your child hurts you and tells everyone what a bitch you are, you still have to love'm, right?
I cannot say out loud that my love turns out to be conditional.

My mom already thinks very low of me and wants to be proven wrong that I'm a big mistake, a huge failure. My mom wishes I can proof I can do one thing right.
But hey, I can't.
I messed this motherhood thingy totally up. Seems like I was born to fuck it all up.

Wish I could play pretend as well as my child can.
He's an asshole (sorry, he really is) when he's alone with me. But the moment we enter a room with other people, he's a sweet angel.
He behaves extremely well, is very nice to me, polite to everyone else and seems like a very normal child who's extremely happy and loves his mom to death.
And then we leave and I can feel his mood change.

God, he sucks the life out of me.

But I must pretend everything is alright.
My mom's battle is bigger then mine.
My brother cannot be dissapointed again in me either.
I need them to believe everything is alright, because my child needs them and if I mess it up right now, my child could be the victim of that.
I have to play pretend just a little bit longer, untill everything is sorted out and my being doesn't matter anymore and won't influence the well-being of my child any longer.

I will take a bath, find nice clothing, cry before going out and then put on my happy face.
I can do this.

It's obvious that this month, yet again, like ever year, I don't feel well. At all!

I've got a big part in this, off course. I live my own life. No one else is master of my life, but me.

Every year, in october, I feel very bad and every time it comes lurking around the corner, I think, I can get this shit this time. This year, I'm going to be alright!
I'm even going to celebrate my birthday, I'm going to have fun and be pleased with me. Actually celebrate me being born, my own life.
And every year, the closer it comes, the more down I get.

Looking back on FB posts, I can see that it starts to peek at my brother's birthday. Never noticed that before, but with these 'memories to look back unto' thing, I can see that every year, on his birthday, I play this same song. The Crawl, from Placebo. And that's exactly how I feel, except, at this time of the year, I don't get to breathe. I don't want to breathe.

I made matters worse. Yes, that was possible.
I broke with my ex (obviously, otherwise it wouldn't be an ex, right).
But...
With everthing that went down and feeling so extremly worthless, I had a lot of trouble sleeping and I couldn't take more pills then I was already doing. So I thought, instead of freaking out, let's have a drink in the evening.
A glass of wine (or a couple) won't hurt, right? If I take care of my one lasting kidney by drinking enough water and taking care of my bladder, things will be just fine.

My ex went shopping with us on wednesday. Quite an accomplishment on it's own. He never did this the past year! (why not? Then we were together and I needed him, but he wouldn't come along, ever).
He's dependant on me for his groceries and apparantly he wants to make an extra effort and not let me do all the shopping on myself, since it's for him and not me.
Very nice, but I missed it when we were actually a couple, one of the many things that lead to us breaking up...

Anyhow.
I bought me some wine.
We went to the cashier to pay and low and behold, he wanted to pay my groceries!
Why? I don't know.
There was no discussion possible, and because I'm already shy in public, I can do without a drama, so fine, he got to pay my groceries, thus my wine too.
Since I'm polite, I said he could come over and drink from the wine he paid for.
So that I wouldn't have to drink alone and he could enjoy a drink as well.

What could possibly go wrong, right?

Well, I could get drunk!
Since I'm not exactly a big drinker (usually just a few times a year a single glass), I don't need much. After my second glass of wine with cherries, I was quite a bit tipsy, to say the least.
We had a good time, had a good laugh and somehow, it even felt comfortable. But what doesn't feel comfortable when one is drunk?

Oh well, you can guess what happened next. Every day comes to an end and my days usually end in my bed, best place to sleep.
And he ended there too.

After that, he seems to think we're a couple again..

I don't really think he ever believed we'd really breake up. For sure, we've been down this road before and ended up back together again.
But this is so over.
There's really no future for us.
It's only going well when we're not together, that's not the kind of relationship I want to be in.
I don't feel so lonely when I'm on my own, knowing I'm not in a relationship and not being denied by someone, not being ignored, not being unwanted and so on.

But he thinks we're a couple again.

And with my birthday coming up, he's more nice then ever before.
Every other day he comes over, just to sit with me.
I don't even have to ask for a hug. He just gives me one, holds me close.
He knows I'm struggling right now.

He tries to cheer me up.
And that's a very nice thing off course, after all that happened, he shouldn't have to do so.
He's not 'my person' anymore, he shouldn't be.
But somehow, he gets me to talk to him, gets me to admit how far down I've fallen thus far and he tries to cheer me up.
He tells me things about me I needed to hear before I got to this point!

And you know what I hate most?
That he tells me he'd actually be miserable the day I'd be gone for good.
Because I know he's not lying.
Of all the people on this planet, I know he's the only one that would actually really miss me.
He's the only one that knows everything about me, the good and the bad, even the totally messed-up and still wants to be around me.
I know he loves me. No denying that.
He puts up with so much shit from me and he still hasn't killed me, that must be love, right?

Doesn't really help right now that he is trying to make me feel good.
He's one of the reasons I feel bad!

Couldn't he have been turned on by me when we were still a couple, so I wouldn't feel unwanted and less of a woman?
Couldn't he have cheered on my ambitions when we were together, so I knew that everything I was doing, wasn't in vain? Does he have to say NOW that I should pick up everything I like and make something out of it?
When I did when we were together, he was aggrivated, annoyed, wouldn't wanted to be with me, didn't seem to apreciate it and certainly didn't wanted to get involved (I could have done with some help with the math, putting things online, me and computers don't get along and he's an expert with those things, he's quite a smart guy, high IQ thing and such).
But no, whenever I was trying to achieve something, he left me.
He withdrew himself, from us, from me.
Wouldn't want to talk to me, about anything.
Certainly not about himself, or us, or anything, just life, not even a joke, nothing, nada.
Because he didn't want to bother me with that, it wasn't any of my concerns, was his reply to everything.
I wasn't allowed to help out with anything, wasn't allowed to know anything and in return, he didn't want to know anything of me and certainly didn't want to hugg me or hold me close when I was feeling bad, about anything.

And now, he's here...

Why?

Am I not fucked up enough already?

I do feel like a deck of cards, being played.
And I don't know how to deal with this.

I think he's preparing something for my birthday as well.
Shit.
Why?

He never wanted to do anything special before, why now?
He never cared for things like birthdays, holidays, valentine's days and so on.
And it usually ended up in pure misery.

Now he wants to come over on my birthday and I'm like: NO, I just want to dissapear and wish upon a star I can make this go away... Make me go away.
Why come over and celebrate a mistake, a failure? Something you've never wanted and tried your best to get rid of? Something you're ashamed of?

Guess I'll never know what drives some people.
I can't even get myself figured out, what makes me think I can get other people figured out?

I don't have words to describe how I feel lately.
It's easy for others to comment on it and tell me to just a grip on life again.

Life has knocked me down, that's for sure.
I feel like a complete failure, a waste of life.

Some people, not a lot of them, want me to get out of it again and be the positive and happy me I used to be a couple of months ago.
I don't know why though, I haven't exactly been of much value to anyone and have been rather selfish, self-absorbed.
I've hurt people and been hurt.

Some people have totally drained me. Some situations totally got to me.

It's not something recent, just because the breake-up or my mom with a tumor.
It's slowly been creeping up to me.

This summer I took care of a little kitten, with much pleasure off course, I love to nurse any creature that needs help.
But my child, who wanted a kitten so badly, was mad about it every step of the way. Because the kitten was so young, it needed to be bottle fed every few hours and needed a lot of care.
So my child was mad at me, because I've spent a lot of time trying to get this kitten to grow up to become a healthy cat. Took me some effort, but she grew up, is a few months old now and doing fine.
But my child is still angry with me.
Instead of happy we've got the cat he wanted so badly, he's angry with me. Off course!

I've had some issues with his psychologist too and tried to work it out. In the end, she's there for him and not me, so my opinion on her, doesn't really matter. Okay, I've hurt her feelings when I threatened to take legal actions if she didn't stick to secrecy she's supposed to, but that's my right as a parent, even my plight, because I have to protect my child.
I know I've hurt her feelings by doing so, but c'mon, it's a child's well-being at stake.
Off course I speak up and tell her I'll get a lawyer involved if she ever does that again.
For a moment I felt bad for her, she was almost in tears.
But then I thought, we've been through enough shit and if you don't stick to what you're supposed to do and act in the best intrest of the child, I do have to take legal actions! And I can't go and feel sorry for her, when I'm supposed to protect my child.

Now I don't trust her anymore, obviously. But my child still does and they get along and in the end, that's what matters. I just don't tell her too much personal information. She doesn't need to know much about me. Her opinion of me doesn't matter anyway.
She needs to help my child, not me.

My child's trust in her is damaged, because I told him about how she spoke about something she promised not to tell anyone, a subject my child was very much ashamed of.
Okay, I shouldn't have told him, I guess, if I was supposed to let him go and see this psychologist.
But, as I can feel it right now, it seems like he does trust her enough to tell her what he feels.
I don't think he's afraid to talk to her about his home situation at this moment either.

Lately, my child seems to do everything to scream to the outside world what a bitch I am and how bad I treat him.
He makes it look like there's nothing to eat in the house, that I don't care for him, that he doesn't have proper clothing and isn't loved at home and would be better off somewhere else and he's just in pure misery, even gets to be treated badly by me.
He makes me look like an abusive mom.

Turns out, he learned about childrens rights in school and knew exactly what would make it look as if he's in a situation he needs to be saved of....
Right, stab in the heart, I can tell you!

Over and over he keeps on asking me if he can please go and stay somewhere else.

What am I supposed to do then? Deny him that?

It turns out to be a big mistake that I fought to get him back home.
I had to choose to put him in fostercare, because my life was in danger and I needed surgery and recovery. I was a danger to myself too and who knows, I could have been a danger to him.
So, I've put him in fostercare, because that was the right thing to do.

And I medically took care of myself, with the help of my exBF.
I turned out fine, well, not fine, better. And fought to get him home again, because I so badly wanted to be a mom again.

But there was this huge distance between him and me, because his fostermom was everything he ever wished for, everything I never was and never will be.
He also had a blast the weekends he stayed at my mom's house.
And hated being with me.

Now he wants to go back to that and sends out so much mixed messages.
He started lying again to several people about me, making me look extremely bad. Just like he did when he was in fostercare.
Seems like my child can lie quite a bit!
And act too...

His words seem empty now. He can say he loves me, but his actions tell me he hates living here, dislikes me in so many different ways and is so angry at me, he won't forgive me and I don't even know for what.

So yeah, on top of everything else that has happened just this year and the memory of the rest of my life, it's draining me of all energy and positivity.
I wish I couln't feel anymore sometimes, I mean, the emotions that overflow me when it comes down to everything happening in life. My worries, sorrows, my overwhelming thoughts etc.

I don't wanna be me.

I should be happy with everything I've got. But I'm not the kind of person that's happy with thing's I've got, if I've got no one to share it with.
I'm not the kind of person that is filled with self-love and can make herself proud and happy.
I need to get fuelled by being needed, wanted, someone who wants my love and attention, my care, my being etc.
I can only love myself, if I'm of any value to someone else.
And that doesn't seem to be the case.

People turn me down, turn me away, don't want me around, tell me they do not wish I put any time, energy, money, gifts, whatever in them.
If it comes from me, they rather not have it.

That makes me hate myself.
I'm not wanted or needed.

People are more happy when I'm not around.

Meaningless is my life.
I understand why people leave, why people don't want me around.

I don't really have anything to offer. And I'm disabled and always have something on my mind, troubling me.
Not that I go around and try to put all these things on others, but apparantly they notice and don't want to bother me with more or want me to put these worries on them.
I can understand them.

When I'm going through shit, I don't need others to put more shit on my plate either.

But sometimes I just wished my life could be meaningfull, that I could offer something to someone.
Other then worries and misery off course.

But I can't seem to be able to do so.
I'm nothing but a burden to those I care about and it only makes me hate myself more then I possibly did before.

Now I can't even be a part of my own mother's life. She doesn't want that.
I can understand that.
She just got diagnosed with a bad tumor. Tests will clear up whatever tumor it is, if it's treatable etc.
Off course she doesn't want me around for that.
I make her feel bad, afwull and I guess that's even an understatement.
She doesn't want me to free my schedule to spend time with her. Why would she?
She's got loving family members, a good partner, his family is there for her too and they are very cheerfull, well-dressed, good looking, a step higher on the social ladder then I could possibly ever be (I don't have a job and I'm disabled, so there's nothing I've got to offer and I don't look well either and I don't wear make up, fancy clothing etc).
I know my mom is also embarressed because I've got saggy boobs, due to weight loss after childbirth and dark times with no money to buy food. On top of that, due to grinding my teeth, they are extremely afwull looking. It's a disgrace and she doesn't want to be seen with me.
It's not a support at all for her when I'm around.

She says I make her feel as if she's already gone, just because I want to spend time with her.
Her partner recently got admitted to the hospital, emergency, because of a serious bowel infection.
I thought it was normal to go and pay a visit and spend some time with my mom too, since he got admitted to the hospital the same day as she went to the hospital to have a bioptie of her tumor.
Moral support, try to put her mind off of these things, make her smile, small things.
But I did bad.
Now she doesn't want me to come to the hospital anymore, she doesn't want me to visit her at home, doesn't want me to join her when she needs to go in for further examinations (because she's got other and better family members then can be of better support).

I already felt bad about myself, but this kinda kicks in very hard.

At this moment, I don't think she'd want me near if she'd be dying. And I can't even blame her.
Haven't been a good daughter, ever. What made me think I could ever be a good daughter, someone who'd lift her spirit up instead of take her down?
Why would I think anything I do would be considered just a nice thing?
She always thinks I've got a double agenda and she finds my presense offensive and unnessecary.

All the birthdays and mother's days should have given me a clue.
She never wanted me present on any of these days and was always much happier when my sister and / or brother came by, even when the children of her new partner came to visit and celebrate this days.
She always cancelled on the days I wanted to come over and I do wanted to come over, she arranged it so that nobody else would see me.

Why would it be any different now?
Why would I think I wouldn't be a disgrace anymore and actually could lend some moral support? Why would I think she'd want me to be around?

Gosh, I feel so stupid!
Thinking anything I do would matter to anyone.

My soul is broken and I thought I could heal it, by doing something meaningfull for someone else.
Because in the end, all my heart and soul really needs and wants, is to make someone else happy. I don't care much for myself, because I don't have any reason to think highly of myself.

But I guess in the end, people would rather die alone then have me nearby.

Got the hint now, I guess, I hope.

I just hope all of this will be over soon.
I just want to dissapear, no longer be a burden to anyone.
I don't want this shit anymore.

Got the message, I ruin lives, I breake hearts, I darken souls, I make people miserable and my presence is not needed, ever, for anyone.

Feel rather stupid now.

I just long for an eternal sleep now. Knowing that will leave the world a better place and soothe the hearts and souls of the people I really care about.