On monday I started writing the so maniest letter to someone I know for a long time.
But I broke off contact, because my ex-partner wanted to.
I understand why, off course.
I was crazy in love with this person.
And if I wanted my relationship to succeed, I couldn't be in contact with someone who had a big place in my heart and I cared for very much.
I wouldn't agree either if my partner would be in contact with someone he loved, romantically that is..
So I broke off contact with him, in order to fullfill the wish of my partner back then.

I don't remember if I ever said goodbye, or explained why.
I'm not even sure in what year I broke off all contact.

It's ridiculous it has cost me a lot of trouble to do so too.
It should be easy if you're in a comitted relationship, right? But it wasn't.
And I never forgot about him either.
Never stopped loving the person he was and never forgot what he meant to me.
He did help me through a lot of dark periods in my life.
He's a gentle and positive soul, an enlighting person.

I guess he thinks I never thought of him anymore the past few years.
There's no reason for him to think otherwise.
I wrote a lot of letters, but I've never send them to him.
Just wrote them and threw 'm out again.

And now he's back in my life.
When I contacted him again, my relationship was balancing between surviving or ending.
I'm too ashamed to tell him we're seperated now.
I don't want him to think it's because of him.
Things were bad between us long before I contacted him again.
And I'm not desilusional, I don't expect a new romance to happen any time soon.

I just started to write a lot of things down, things I wanted to say.
Not that I think it would change anything.

I don't even know if this letter will ever get to him.
Pulled all my courage together to ask for his adress, but off course he's not too keen to give it.
I think I come across as a crazy woman and he's afraid I might end up at his doorstep (understandable haha). It's been ackward between us too and I blurt out the most weird things, instead of having a proper, normal conversation.
He must think I have lost my mind (which isn't at all inaccurate, but then again, I've always been a wee tad weird, to say the least haha).

But I got to write some things down. And I hope I will leave the letters alone. Who knows, one day he will receive them.

I don't know how to tell him I never forgot about him and I regret breaking off contact, without coming across as the most crazy person ever.
I don't know how to tell him I really loved him and it wasn't just a fantasy I'd put aside the moment we stopped chatting, he was actually a part of my life and I took it seriously.
How do I tell him I care about him, even if there's nothing romantic going on? How do I tell him he's important to me, without him running away screaming because I sound like the biggest creep ever?

Ah, so many things I'd like to make clear and tell him, but I don't know how.
I don't know if it matters either.

Would he care?
I didn't exactly give him any reason at all to care.

Sure, he was a jerk sometimes too, not everything was easy.
But all in all, he's just a lovely person one can't be angry at.
And I owe him so much, I cannot express that in words and there's no song that can translate that for me.

I think some people just underestimate the impact they had on someone else's life and they don't realise there's someone out there who just genuinly cares and has a soft spot in their heart for them.
Regardless of what happened.

I miss the friendship we once had, the close bond.
I miss his smile and certainly his voice.

I've been worried a lot the past few years. I didn't know if he was alright. I had no one to talk about him either.
I made a promise and tried to keep it. So it was my burden to bear. Wouldn't know how to explain to anyone anyway.
Sometimes I just care too much.
No matter if the other person cares for me to or not.

I did think it would be easier, once I knew he was doing alright, my mind would be at ease.
But it's not.
First I was really happy.
Now I'm just concerned and I feel ashamed and I just don't know how to behave, or what to say (or what not, me and my blurting things out in the most ackward ways!!).
I'm going to have to be patient and not expect too much.
Just be open minded and be happy he's doing alright.
And even though we're not in close contact now, I can still be inspired by what he does, just like I just to allow him to inspire me to go on with all the things I wanted to do in my life.

One day the tension will be less and my mind will be at ease.
Just not now.
Not yet.

I imagined the day we'd be in contact again often.
But thought that day would never come. In my imagination, things were much easier. Which is quite a big thing, because normally, I don't do easy in my mind haha.
But concerning this, my mind made it seem so much easier.
And now it feels like a struggle and I'm probably trying too hard.

Now I must try to not be a creep (I'm creeping myself out!).
If I keep this weird act up, I'm going to chase every normal acting person away from me.
So, listen up ME, get your act together, start acting normal and as an adult. Yes, you once loved him a lot, but get over it already. Things happened and you cannot change that.
Live with the consequences and be gratefull for what you still have! Get your act together, quickly, before you ruin everything, just once again, don't be the failure you've set yourself out to be, be the survivor you've always wanted to be.
*c'mon, we can do this!!*