I wish to express my appreciation for those of you who take the time to read my story. Anyone wishing to become involved, to get to know me better or help me through this injustice: I'm looking forward to hearing from you via daryl.wheatfall@hotmail.com or Polunsky #999020/Mr.Daryl Wheatfall/3872 FM 350 South/Livingston TX 77351/USA.
03-01-2013
Continuing
I'm still settling in, trying to restore things the way they used to be. I have to deal with many new changes all around me - as well as what I'm going through inside. This lawyer situation has me disturbed, he's not fighting to free me & I don't know what I'm going to do, as if I didn't have enough to worry about. My birthday was on December 20 - I'm 47 now & I continue to move forward, continuing to deal with the psychological affect of stepping farther into the future - it seems like yesterday we were wishing we could do what other big kids could do, now we're wishing for those days again...
The section I'm being housed on now is OK, everyone seems to get along with one another, this is a good thing. I hate trying to dig myself out of a deep hole, it seems like I'm never going to do it. I haven't thought about my book in a while, it's always there calling my name. I know I should devote more time working on it, but there are too many distractions. If I'm not having to deal with lockdown, shakedown or just some stupid guard or some confusion with my mail or my body is experiencing some kind of pain, it's always something. I need people in my life to understand my situation, help make things as easy as possible. Being confined has sort of robbed me of my manners & people skills. This is because I'm around people who lie to me, out to hurt me to make my life a living hell. There are a lot of people who don't care anything about what happens to me, so after 22 years I'm not using my people skills with these people. I need help. Who wants to help me?
On November 21 I was moved. I packed all my property, it took a while to organize, clean the walls, floor & toilet for the next prisoner to move in. This is what all prisoners should do respecting what they would want, when oving into another cage, but this isn't always this way. Afterwards, I waited on the guards to come move me, 90 days felt like 3 weeks once it's over but, while doing it, it felt like forever. Waiting on the guards to come move me felt like this now, with everything packed & ready, made the move quick & easy. I was pleased the cage wasn't filthy yet I thoroughly cleaned everything anyway before unpacking my property. With my stuff organized it didn't take me long to put everything in its place. Many of the guys housed around me I know, one was the guy who tried to kill me in 1995. Luckily he doesn't live on the section I'm housed on but one section over. No need to worry, I'll keep you updated! There are a lot of distractions in my new environment, I'm still trying to establish a mental order as well as put all my priorities in their place. On this end everyone gets 2 hours of rec, guys that know me come to the dayroom seeking to talk to me, asking a lot of questions, like how long I stayed, what I went for, how I took all that gas, if I was there to stay or go back, etc. It won't take me long to establish order & focus on my affairs, I realize I'm so far behind on matters that should have been addressed weeks ago... Thanksgiving came & went, I realize there's so much for me to be thankful for & I truly am. But inside my spirit affects my rational sense, my attitude & my focus at times like this because I'm not surrounded by loving friends & family, this is so discouraging & empty. When I think about it, these people took my ability to commmunicate with the outside world, I couldn't reach out & no one was there seeking to know if I was alright. Sometimes difficult times provide understanding, hard times change how I view life itself. What do I mean by this? Here, now, I'm so alone as I deal with all that I face. I need to be able to feel a part of something, I want to be understood. My attorney was just in the newspaper. He failed to raise positive issues that would save his client's life, the inmate was killed by the State of Texas a few weeks ago. This is the same lawyer who has not put in my innocence claim, he keeps telling me "I'll do that later". I'm a dead man without legal assistance! I need a private investigator to discover witnesses to gather the evidence that supports what I'm saying. My case centers around legal errors because there's no physical evidence involved, meaning there's nothing that can involve me with the crime. Due process means an established course for judicial proceeding designed to safeguard the legal rights of an individual - I have to prove my legal rights were denied during my trial. Several procedural violations were committed, this is why the prosecutor hasn't addressed my appeal, haven't you wondered why this is? What is it that is preventing her from doing so? Why after all of these years does the prosecutor want to offer a life sentence to me now if I'm supposed to be guilty? It's bad that I have a lawyer not doing anything, it's worse: I'm still fighting to convince people after all of these years...
What has F-pod been like for me? Can't really describe this dehumanising, helpless feeling waking up on F-pod with no radio to occupy my thoughts, not sure what's going on in the outside world. All day, all I see are walls, fences & bars. This dead atmosphere has become my tormentor, my tomb - my psychological burial. Some consider this pod to be a pit for the walking dead, it's where I was dragged off to August 21, 2012 by a 5-man team coverein pepper gas protesting an injustice - souls walking these corridors now become my neighbors. No one asks "What have you done?", it's "What have they done to you this time?". Victims themselves, many are aware how guards & ranking officials ignore the facts of a situation to create an unjust situation, in some cases, simply because they feel like it, in a rush to leave or not in a hurry to do their jobs, because they hate their job & prisoners - I can't explain why, only what they do. Recently Hank Skiner almost was a victim to this madness on October 25. He was denied his shower by guards working the morning shift, he discovered this until the night shift guards passed him up during shower time, not wanting to argue over his shower. "Just take my ID. I'll return the razor once I'm finished shaving." Hank stated the guards refused to give him a razor - death row prisoners are not allowed to have razors, only inside the shower. The following day Hank would be threatened to have his rec taken away because he hadn't shaved & given a case for refusing to groom. Luckily for Hank, a thoughtful person provided him with what he needed. For the guards it's easy, standing around doing nothing watching their sergeant speaking with an upset prisoner who didn't receive his rec, shower or lunch tray - lies will be told suppering the guards or the sergeant will come up with some new rule to justify the guard action. In my case, it was a dinner tray: the main course covered with food spilled by the guard rushing to leave, then refusing to give me another tray after I had told him "The food you spilled over the main course I don't eat". I've witnessed guards not feel prisoners simply because they don't like the prisoner. Since I've been housed on F-pod, I've seen prisoners not receive their showers due to the guards being lazy, not wanting to do their jobs. It's like an unseen battle going on between two shifts, the morning shift try to leave the night shift as many recs & showers as possible, night shift take their time passing out dinner trays, recs & showers - a guard at my door 10:30/11 o'clock waking me up to give me my mail or I'm going to the shower at 10:00 at night. This is their routine...at times.
Conditions: are worse. Inside these cages paint is coming off the wall, in some cages the ventilation system doesn't work or is blowing very weak. The ventilation system inside the shower on 12-FF section doesn't work at all, one of the reasons why it smells. Left-over food is being passed out often. Normally the lunch left-overs are mixed with what's served during dinner hour. No one is allowed to have any personal clothing while housed on F-pod, while inside the dayroom or outside yard, prisoners must wear our jumpsuit since we're not allowed to have T-shirts. The problem with this: the jumpsuit gets sewaty while working out, a very small bar of soap is passed out once a week, jumpsuits are passed out every other day in the morning - we're made to wear the same sweaty jumpsuit after returning from rec...the soap passed out is just enough to wash my body for the week. Black mold grows on the shower walls on 12-FF section. The smell? It's like a dead animal has been inside the shower for over a month. What makes this worse: prison officials refuse to fix the fan system that circulates the air inside the shower. I recently came down with a cold. I believe it come from the shower. Just the other day someone mentioned the same thing - it's not healthy showering inside unclean showers.
Torture: On September 26, 2012 I witnessed Robert Woodard be gassed in an unprofessional, unjust way. I believe Mr.Woodard created the situation as he refused to come out of the dayroom when asked - however, this does not justify the abuse forced upon him. Woodard was ordered to remove his clothes, once he complied with these orders, he was told to run his hands through his hair - Woodard doesn't have any hair...He was covered with pepper gas because he failed to run his hand through his hair! Totall insane, when this man doesn't have any hair on his head! Clifton William would be the next prisoner to experience this madness. Each prisoner created the situation but both have mental disorders. I believe prison officials should have addressed the situation differently. Clifton was ordered to remove something from his window, he refused. Prison officials assembled a team of men around his cage door, orders were given to remove his clothes - again once the prisoner was naked he was covered with pepper gas. He would be handcuffed, removed from his cage, everything taken, then placed back into the same unclean contaminated cage to suffer from the effect of the gas - torture is alive & functioning behind these walls!
I only have a few more weeks to endure but the way the rules are being enforced, I'm not sure of anything. I'll let you know in a few weeks...
Really, I'm having a ball on this end. My mind is focused on all the wonderful things taking place. On Sept. 21, lockdown ended. For 11 joyful days all death row prisoners were confined inside their cages. Why should anyone complain? The food is so delicious. No salt nor pepper is being placed on it - imagine the taste & flavor of it! Dirt with salt & pepper tastes better - this is what my neighbor just said the other day. Really, it's killing me just thinking about my next meal... I ran out of stamps a few days ago, found this depressing because everyone was informed commissary cards will be picked up ight, I've 3 more days before commissary restriction - now I'll be made to go 44 days without being allowed to go to commissary instead of 30! This is just flooding me with joy. As you can see, lockdown has placed me in the most pleasant mood anyone could ever think of. I'm always asked to be many things while under so much. Emotionally this life inside this place injects so much (misery, anger, frustration & pain) into my mind. It all begins once I open my eyes...sometimes it's with me all through the night. I pay attention to everything, finding the best way to deal with the injections my mind is made to deal with, matters are addressed or ignored. I'd to teach myself, correct myself, advise myself - sometimes talk to myself, because there isn't anyone around for me to talk to. Here's what happened Sept. 26: I witnessed an injustice, which isn't a surprise behind these walls. I saw Robert Woodard being tortured. This guy has been on death row since June 2001. He was placed in the dayroom for his one hour of rec and during this time he's walking around there talking to himself. For some years now, he has been acting as if he has lost his sanity, it's not possible to hold a conversation with him - whatever he expresses makes no sense. I'm no doctor, just describing how it appears to me & everyone else around him. Anyway, once his time was up, the guards attempted to remove him from the dayroom but he became belligerent, cursing, using all kind of obscenity, vulgar & profane names toward the guards - no one knew what this guy's problem was. They informed the sergeant, who asked Woodard to come out but profanity was the answer. Then the major came and never have I witnessed such unprofessionalism & immature behavior by someone holding a high ranking position - it was clear what he had in mind when shortly thereafter the team arrived: 5 men dressed in black protected gear, helmets, face masks, knee & chest padding to protect them from the pepper gad & the use of force to remove Woodard - if force was necessary. The team, sergeant & other ranking officials positioned themselves near the door, the lieutenant, wearing a face mask pointing a 37mm gas gun at Woodard - all of this being taken in by the camera operator.At this point my view wasn't clear but a witness told me that Woodard was to submit to a proper strip search & had restraints. He removed all his clothes, kept mumbling & making strange ritualistic movements with his hands. He was told to approach the gate but for whatever reason he threw both hands in the air over his head. This is when the entire contents in the can was dumped on him in a matter of seconds, hitting him directly in the face, painting his entire naked body up & down. Gas was all over his genitals, buttocks, in his eyes, everywhere. This red sabre cell blaster is supposedly 18% jolokia pepper leoresin capsicum - with a scoville rating of 5,000 units! It's oily & vicious, it sticks to you like a coat of oil. Woodard didn't last long and gave in. He was placed in his cage, covered with gas, to suffer. All of his property had been taken away from him so he had nothing to clean away the gas. No one is able to understand - Woodard has a mental disorder...
Much has happened to me, not sure where to begin... On August 21, I was gassed by unit officials for refusing to move, I'm now being housed on F-pod as a level-3. I didn't move because I was protesting the disciplinary case & the lack of fairness by unit officials. When I'm right, I'm willing to suffer just like I'm willing to sit here until I die! I will not make any deal with the prosecutor for life in prison! Anyway, 5 men ran into the cage to remove me. As usual I was taken to a filthy ass cage with pepper gas covering my body, in my eyes prevented me from seeing anything. Had to sleep naked on the floor for 3 nights! The guy next door to me understood the meaning of what I was dealing with: he sent me a small towel & soap, I was able to wash the gas from my eyes, I was able to clean up the filth. No need for me to continue, things didn't get any better. The next day I was moved to a level-3 section. You heard correctly, I'm now a level-3. Honestly, fighting an injustice, I would do the same thing all over again. That new gas prison officials are using burns like I've been dropped in fire! I will do what I feel is right, no matter the circumstances. Oh well, things continued to get worse. On Sep.10, Polunsky Unit went on lockdown. On the positive side: I was trying to lose some weight anyway. This is what happens when sitting in the fire. This section was the first to be searched, which was a good thing: I didn't have to sit around waiting & wondering what was going to be taken from me - not much was taken since I don't have very much property. I was placed on 30 days' commissary restriction the first time, 45 days the second time I went to court. I'm running low on stamps and it will be 2 more weeks before I'm allowed to go to commissary again. My lawyer came to see me, I know it was a surprise to me as well. He said he was just checking in because it's been some time since he visited with me - haven't seen him for many months...He told me the prosecutor is ready to make a deal with me: she wants to take me off death row & give me life in prison. I asked him why she wants to do this and he said because she knows she can't win. If my appeals were allowed to move forward, the appeal court would send it back & make them re-try me - the prosecutor doesn't believe she can win a new trial. I told him I want to be free! I don't want to spend the rest of my life in prison! He told me I could have some time to think about it, but 2, 3, 10 years from now I'll still feel the same way. That's what I told him. No one is listening to me. The prosecutor knows I'm innocent. These people are letting me sit here because I don't have a paid attorney, a lawyer who'll fight for my rights. Because no one is listening or accepts what I'm saying to be true, no one is taking action, everyone feels they don't know what to do or what can be done to help me. The first week of football started Sep.9, my team, the Houston Texans, won their first game. I wasn't able to listen to the radio, I hate this. I'll only get my radio back if I go the next 60 something days without a disciplinary case. This isn't a problem as long as none of these guards are in a rush to get home...
Things aren't going well for me on this end. I've been dropped to level two. For what? Well, by the way I view it, for no legitimate reason, by the way unit officials view it, for refusing to remove my foot from the food slot. On August 1, 2012, a little after 5 o'clock, the guards were about to leave at 5:30. This is why they were rushing to pass out dinner trays. In doing so, food from one slot was spilled on top of food in another slot. Nonetheless, the guard just opened the food slot & handed me a tray where the main course was flooded with juice from food I do not eat. I told this to the guard but what I told him wasn't understood because he was focusing on leaving. "Why are you trying to force me to take a tray covered with food I do not eat?", I asked him, "just give me another tray." "They are all like that", he said. Two rays remained on the food carrier for the last two prisoners. "Wheatfall, once I leave from in front of this cage, I'm not coming back", he said when I put my foot in the food slot reqesting to speak with a ranking officer. The rank ordered the guard to give me another tray but allowed a disciplinary case against me. The guard could have done the same thing the sergeant had done, yet he didn't because he was more concerned with leaving & there just isn't enough fairness among ranking officials: guards are always right in officials' eyes, even when they create the problem. Zero tolerance is what is being enforced. This means whatever a guard says you did, in the eyes of unit officials you did it, even when you did not. It's like bad people over the law: it's their side against the people, the people will always lose because bad people are in charge of everything. A few days after the incident, I was able to speak with the guard who wrote the case: "Why did you try to force me to take a tray where the main course is covered with food I do not eat?" "Why didn't you tell me that the other day, Wheatfall?", Officer Castro stated. "I did, your only concerns were going home", I said, "you weren't listening to what was being said. Are you going to help me correct this problem?" "Wheatfall, it's too late, I will help you but I can't change what I said." In Kangaroo Court I explained this to Captain Miller, who wasn't listening & wasn't concerned about the truth. The truth just didn't matter to him. I thought that was the whole reason I was going to court in the first place. I was found guilty, given 15 days cage & 30 days commissary restriction for being confined inside a cage, not because I had done anything wrong. I'm now expecting to be moved, my property to be confiscated, not sure how I'm going to react when this happens. I told you about the reporter who visited me. I hope something good will come from the fact that her co-author is a chief of police. He is just helping her out researching the information she needs. I told her the truth surrounding my intention or anything I may share about my case so I'm not concerned about this, but anything can be used to create a lie. If everything is on the up & up with these two, I feel that he being a police officer will help me. I'll need a lot of help once this man discovers I'm telling the truth! His position will have a lot of influence with getting my case heard. This is the only thing I want. I don't know what's going to happen but I'm taking a chance & hoping for the best. I should have someone else to inform the outside world with what's going on if I should be unable to write. I say this because I'm about to sit in the fire over this injustice forced upon me. I know I'll lose and only I will suffer and if I don't fight for me, who will? I'm being pulled in many directions. I've been trying to move forward with this book. Having my typewriter taken away will only slow me down. This isn't the only disruption & distraction. People are asking for my time & attention, like this reporter & her co-author. Both write & ask questions as they want me to provide a clear picture of my situation. These inmates keep calling me asking a lot of dumb questions or want something. I can't tell you how hard it is to stay focused. If it's not unit personnel delaying my mail or some kind of emotional drama dealing with people like my lawyer, investigator,...there's something demanding my attention preventing me from focusing on my book. As if writing the book isn't emotional enough, talking about the difficult events in my life. You see, the abuse inflicted upon my mind by just re-living these events is destructive enough, not to mention all I'm forced to deal with each day I open my eyes! The inmate I told you about died. This is just an escape from this madness. No matter what I do to avoid this madness, it somehow comes knocking at this cage door. I just want to know: where is the love? Did you know the state just executed a mentally retarded guy the other night? The law doesn't mean anything to state officials. Those in control of the law enforce the law the way they wish, prison officials have this same concept. I don't see how I can build up my support when I'm fighting with prison officials, my attorney, investigator & others as well as the battles I have with myself...being too angry, making bad decisions, not knowing something I should or just hating this life I'm living! You don't know what it feels like to have no one to love because you're surrounded with loving people. This prevents you from knowing how these walls make me feel: like adrowning man holding onto a flotation life preserver in the middle of the ocean...
A short time ago a guy tried to take his life. The nurse came on the pod to pass out the medication, as she was going to the individuals who receive medication a prisoner was discovered unconscious. I noticed the guards & nurse running to the control picket explaining something to the picket officer, then they headed up front. Shortly thereafter, the ranking officers appeared, then many more guards arrived, more nurses would show up. At this point everyone knew something was seriously wrong. The prisoner would be rolled off the pod, no one knew how serious the problem was. I stopped a guard & asked about the situation but all she knew was that the prisoner had taken something but didn't know if he would live or die; she did say this wasn't his first time trying to take his life. The next morning I was told that he was dead. As sad as this situation is, it's just another day. We prisoners are faced with the burden of facing death one way or the other, some just can't deal with the pressures of this life. Death is seen as an escape... We're not living, just existing until the day comes to die. Anyway, I believe I've already told you about buying a new radio. The property officer was so bad with how she did her job that she has been removed. Yes, this is a good thing because no one has to deal with this woman's attitude anymore, but now everyone is waiting for prison officials to replace her with someone new. It's been a while since someone has come around & picked up the property that prisoners are trying to mail out. No one is complaining out loud but this is preventing a lot of people from mailing out large mail. I had a visit with a reporter who wants to involve me in a book she's writing. She came with a guy who happens to be the chief of police in a small town in Texas. It was a surprise to me. I've thought long & hard about this but these people may be able to help me, this is always why I do anything I'm praying something good will happen. Anyway, the visit went OK, I was able to develop an idea of who I'm working with, there's a lot I wish to understand about this woman. This will come in time, I hope. Anyway, I'm not sure how this book will come out, she has written 7 books already!
I'm OK. I have a few problems but nothing I can't deal with. I had to turn in my radio to the property officer. I couldn't turn it from AM back to the FM station. I'm not sure what's wrong with it. It could have been fixed but I couldn't do it, which is why I turned it in to buy a new one. This isn't the only problem: the problem is with the property officer. She doesn't want to do her job. You see, before I'm allowed to buy a new radio, I have to turn the old one in. It's this way with anything I need a property slip for, e.g. alarm clock, tennis shoes, radio, boots, night lamp, hot pot, fan, typewriter, etc. Anyway, this slip is called a commissary notification. It explains to the commissary personnel that I've been approved to buy a radio or whatever I'm trying to get. Once my property has been picked up, I turn in a blue slip, which is called a special purchase, into the unit commissary the next time I'm allowed to go. This slip goes to the property officer, then it's approved by the Major. However, since May 10 - this is when I turned my radio in - I've been waiting on this woman to send the slips through where they can be approved. I'm waiting to receive a Commissary Notification Slip, which we, prisoners, call a white slip. Once I have this, I'm able to purchase a radio. I've been without one since May 10, other guys have been waiting a lot longer than I have, maybe I'll have to go a month or longer without a radio... Another problem I'm having is with these lazy ass guards who don't want to do their job. The other day, I was the first person to rec, I was taken outside at 6:05 in the morning, then I had to wait all day on the guards to come shower me. Two other rounds of rec were placed out after me, can you believe, the last round to be pulled off the yard after me was placed into the shower before me! I asked the guard why I wasn't placed inside the shower first. "You're getting fucked over today" was what he said. I wrote this ass up, now every time he works, he makes sure the night shift showers me. Weak people are given authority to cause injustice. This isn't this lazy ass guard's fault, unit officials are just as lazy: they're the ones telling these guards to stop calling them when an inmate has a problem to deal with the situation. These guards can make up whatever lie they think up against a prisoner & get away with this, because in the eyes of unit officials, their guards are always right. I've been explaining this situation with this guard to the next shift sergeant, all I asked him to do was exp[lain the situation to the ranking officer on the first shift. He told me the first shift ranking officials had told him to stop crying to them about complaints from prisoners because they can run their shift the way they wish! This is what Sgt.Fisher told me. I went to him because Im trying to address this situation correctly, but these people don't care anything about being fair when it comes to a prisoner. It's only after a negative situation has developed that prison officials will focus on the problem but by then it's too late...
I was moved to another pod once again. Prison officials have been moving guys all month, so don't think I've lost my cool! They have deliberately moved guys around to disrupt the camaraderie developed between guys who have lived around one another for 8 months to a year. I know many of the guys I'm housed around now, it's just I have to develop the same goodwill & rapport as I had with the other guys. Prison officials believe it's easier for them to destroy this camaraderie, by replacing it with confusion & distrust. This is what they are out to achieve. They moved me in a cage that was filthy! I don't know how this guy was living inside this nasty ass cage - it took me half the night to clean it. There were small bugs here & there. I wanted to get rid of them before I lay down to rest. My body was aching, also from the workout early in the morning. I missed the guards when they came by with breakfast - I was exhausted. It took me 2 days to unpack & re-organize my property and get everything as I had it before. I can't believe all the stuff happening to me. First my headphone broke, my radio was next: I'm only able to pick up AM. The guy who tried to fix my headphone wasn't successful so I've to replace it. I'm reaching out for something positive. These lockdowns every few months, guards going through my property once a month... Some of them are disgruntled about their lives & their work environment, using this negative energy to lie on prisoners - just because they hold disdain against them. Maybe this also explains why the mailroom personnel delays my mail. None of this stuff is positive. My court appointed attorney doesn't answer my letters, a lawyer who isn't doing anything for me, he isn't working to free me from this cage...
I'm sitting here on death row, trying to build up support, trying to convince people I'm innocent, fighting to hold everything together because sometimes the issues I'm made to deal with make me feel like I'm losing my mind. At the end of the day, I know I'm just sitting on death row waiting to grow old & die... Who will help me? Who will support me financially? What is physically wrong with me? My back hurts from sitting in the same place/position, either I'm typing, writing or reading something. I guess back pain is one of the effects that come along with solitary confinement; there's no comfortable chair to sit in anywhere. The mattress I sleep on feels like I'm sleeping on the floor, so whenever I wake up, some part of my body hurts. I went outside the other day, it was nice but hot! That didn't prevent me from doing a hard workout, I ran about 45 minutes in that heat. I'm trying to work off some of that weight I've gained! Now my knees aren't causing serious pain that prevents me from running like they used to. After running, the guy in the next yard to me did push up & pull up with me, it's not always I have someone to work with. The heat really took a lot of energy out of me. After returning to this cage, I felt this energy lost. I had to wait on the guards to come & take me to the shower - sometimes they take forever! I returned from the shower to wash the clothes I had on, this seems as if it takes forever! Once done I jumped into bed to rst my body. My mind fell into a deep sleep, Suddenly a loud explosion: bang! bang! bang! "Wheatfall you OK? What's your last three?" This is what the guard said, disturbing my sleep. Whenever the guards make their rounds, going cage to cage checking to see whether everyone is where they're supposed to be, this is what they do during their count. I was able to fall asleep once the guard was gone. After a few hours of rest I got up to focus on the book I'm writing, then a letter & my legal studies.
Once again, I'm upset. A lot of negative things are going on around me & I'm not happy. How can I be living inside this madness? On March 29 Polunsky Unit came off lockdown. When the guard came around to check if I was going outside, I told him no. You would think, after being confined inside this cage for so long, I should want to get out of it, but after working on my book the day before, I was tired. This unit went on lockdown on March 12. This time we, prisoners, were confined for 16 days because population prisoners were searched. Four months from now only death row will be on lockdown. Death row is looked upon as the worst, the name alone is enough to tell people we deserve the treatment being forced upon us, prisoners. They caught a guy with a phone a few days after this unit went on lockdown. This is why the shakedown team started at the front of the building this time. I was glad to get it over. I get so tired of coming back into this cage seeing my property everywhere! These guards have little regard for my property & when something is missing I have no idea who was inside my cage! A group of guards entered my section & began pulling prisoners out of their cage placing them into the shower or outside on the rec yards. So while I'm in one of these places, a guard is going through all of my property, I mean going through everything! Most guards don't enjoy doing this, but it's their job, they try to get it done as quickly as possible. But some of them love going through prisoners' property! Now guards are taking prisoners' stuff they shouldn't be taking. The guards took the radio of the guy next to me, claiming it was altered, but he said it wasn't. Anyway, there's no use of me complaining about this. Lockdown is what it is, so I'm looking forward to sharing what took place the next time it happens. Actually, we're facing 2 more lockdowns this year!
As for the lockdown: the guards are growing tired of shaking down as much as we, prisoners are. This may explain why they weren't too destructive. We came off lockdown February 6. This time it wasn't that long because prison population wasn't searched. Death row has to be searched 4 times a year, only twice for population. I don't agree with this. These people are taking everything that can be taken away. What now? Ear plugs! You can't believe it? I would find it hard to believe if I wasn't made to live through this B/S. Unit officials are saying ear plugs are a security risk. How? A few guys were using them to make blow darts, shooting them like missiles at the guard as he is looking into the cage. This hasn't happened often, but this is their excuse for taking away ear plugs! And what is their reason for taking away pillows? They are trying to save money by not making pillow cases. Did you know that no death row prisoner is allowed to have a multi-outlet nor nail-clippers, shaving razors, pencil sharpeners, color paper? Oh yeah. And have I told you I'm only allowed to buy one typewriting ribbon every two weeks?There're a lot of other things that have been taken away for some stupid reason! The only reason why this is being done is to create discomfort, frustration, making life as unbearable & displeasant as possible. This is what a lot of people don't see. It's important for you to see these people & their mentality for who they are & what it is...Some of these officials & guards are just evil & filled with hate!
Lockdown began on January 30. These people have totally lost their focus that they are dealing with human beings by the way we're treated: we're confined inside these cages for 24 hours & tortured with bad food inside brown bags. We shower every other day waiting on a gang of guards to arrive to begin taking away or throwing away my property, while we, prisoners are placed in showers totally unaware of what guard is going through a prisoner's property. Some of my stuff was thrown away but I didn't know until I was searching for it. I am totally turned off with these people going through my property every 4 months.
What's going on at this end? The same old thing. .. The other day the guards pulled me out of this cage to search through my personal property. They didn't mess up my stuff too bad. It's about time for this unit to go on lockdown. This is what I am waiting on. This place has gotten so bad. Many don't leave their cage anymore because they don't want to deal with lazy ass guards who go out of their way to create controversy just to prevent a prisoner from going to the shower or rec. It is so sad that guards are allowed to get away with this. What's truly pathetic is that it's the ranking officials that are telling them to do this. The guards leave prisoners inside the dayroom or on the outside yard 4 or 5 hours, destroying the routine of rec by violating rec policy. It's so sad now prisoners are being showered at 12 in the morning. Otherwise they are left inside the shower for one hour or an hour & half! Who wants to deal with all of this when one is trying to focus on more important matters? I went to commissary the other day but lately they haven't got the items I want. It's bad enough we have to deal with the price changes from week to week, can you believe prisoners have to pay $6 for one T-shirt? Prices here are outrageous. Aterwards I was told I had a visit, something I wasn't expecting. It was my friend Blackie, who I've known since we were kids. He was the one who informed Marjan that my father had passed away. He explained that my brother had called & told him. They agreed to come to me together but my brother didn't show up and we're not sure what he's going through. It was nice to see my friend, I hadnt seen him since February 2011. We talked about the past, then his family. I couldn't believe he has a daughter in college & he has been married for 21 years, which is as long as I have been behind these walls... It's raining right now, prison officials have just locked down the unit. No one is sure why but I believe it's because of the weather. Every time it starts to rain hard & begins to shoot lightning across the sky, unit officials lock the firm down. The last time the rain was very bad, it messed up my radio. I couldn't listen to it for 2 weeks. And my typewriter is also messing up: I can't use my small letters anymore.
I've been informed that my father has passed away. I'm OK, he hasn't been a part of my life in years. His passing away hasn't changed anything in my life - the way he was involved in my life didn't change anything. I didn't feel like I had a family anyway. No one in my family informed me that he was dead. If it hadn't been for Marjan, I wouldn't have found out. Being inside this madhouse I don't feel like my real family exists & this is sad, you see. Right now, it's raining outside & the discharge of lighting is making it difficult to listen to my radio. I don't like this because the show I'm listening to was about sport and my favorite football team. Over the weekend the Houston Texans won their play off game. They are looking at a difficult game next week. If they don't win, it's over for them, but if they win they'll have a chance to go to the next round & if they win they'll go to the Superbowl, which is the Championship of the National Football League. Have you ever taken time to watch American Football?
Things have become worse. Trying to provide you with a clear picture of what's taking place around me, how this affects me, is going to take a lot out of me. I'll give it a good shot. I'm placed outside, it's about 35-40 degrees. A T-shirt & thermal shirt is what I have on. To protect my head from the cold, I wrap my T-shirt around my head. The guard comes out & orders me & another guy to remove our T-shirts from our heads. You can't believe this? Neither could I. They tried to remove me from the yard because I wouldn't follow orders but my time wasn't up & they know their order was B/S, petty & nonsense, the guard was seeking to provoke a negative situation; this would be his excuse on why he wasn't able to do any work. This isn't the only outrageous event I've been made to endure: food is being denied, my sleep is being disrupted, mail delayed & policies violated. This is just some of what's going on. On Dec. 5 I was given a letter written Nov.6. To hide the post mark date, mailroom personnel marked it out with a black marker, just another way to deceive after holding my letter over a month. I wrote to a friend in the US and this Oct.31 letter was posted Nov.10. They gave me his letter in a different enveloipe so I wouldn't know how long they have been holding it. It was 2 weeks old by the date on the letter. This mail problem is going to be a big issue and the problem will only get worse. It was reported the other day that the US post office will be closing many of their buildings letting go many of their workers. They say a lot of people are now using the internet to mail their letters, so instead of mail taking 1 to 2 days to arrive now, it's going to take 3 to 5 days because unit officials will use this to delay mail longer. Not sure when it will start, some time next year, I guess. The other day I had a problem with a guard who deliberately didn't feed me. But first I must say that since these cameras have been up, a lot of guards have been fired, transferred to another unit or just quit, so now a lot of young & inexperienced people are here now. The feeding procedure is as follows: the guards enter the section, saying: "It's meal time, turn your light on if you want to eat." They begin to serve each individual going door to door. If someone doesn't have his light on, they're supposed to ask the person if he wants to eat, giving him an opportunity to accept or refuse the tray. These new guards aren't doing this, some are just walking past the cage without asking/giving a person an opportunity to accept his tray if his light isn't on. Even when the person comes to the door after they have walked past, these guards refuse to give him his tray. On this day, lunch wasn't passed out until 3:30-4 o'clock because a pipe broke flooding out the kitchen in this building. Food had to come from another building, which was why the food was late... These lazy ass guards were the other reason. Laziness is why we, prisoners, can't receive our showers, mail & recs on time and this is the problem in other departments as well. Anyway, the guard who denied me my tray created problems with other prisoners where a sergeant had to be called. I was able to explain my problem and when the sergeant looked at the paperwork to see what time I was fed, it had 19:45, they lied on the paperwork. So the sergeant asked: "Why didn't you feed this prisoner?" "His light was off", Officer Kelly said. "Don't you know that's not our feeding procedure?" Williams asked. Kelly simply stared at the floor. Sgt.Williams instructed me to write Kelly up & use him for a witness. All this was good but I still wasn't fed! Officers are now deliberately creating situations to use as an excuse why they couldn't shower, change out rec or the reason why they had to feed late & nothing can be done aboutit! I'm being awakened at 12:30 at night to get my mail or to be placed in the shower. Once I'm in it, I'm left inside for an hour or longer. If you roll all of this together, I'm beyond frustration... I expect you to understand all these attacks fill me with negative thought & energy, how could you not? I'm battling my emotions each day, fighting to hold on to my sanity, which isn't easy. I'm an orphan, have felt this way all my life. I'm sitting inside this cage, being abused physically & psychologically, waiting to die. My mother was never there for me, I haven't seen nor heard from her in 21 years. I understand now everything I experienced as a child was real, she doesn't care. Inside my head I'm sitting on death row because of a friend using me, not trying to hurt anyone, I'm trying to free myself from death row. All I ask is for help: help me help myself, not someone helping themselves by taking advantage of my situation. I'm getting older & older, sitting on death row, yet the state has not killed me. Why? It's not because of this useless ass attorney over my case, he has done nothing! Where is the Christmas spirit? If you ask a man to deal with the darkness I'm made to live through, this destroys my Christmas spirit. Anyway, I want to wish you the best for Christmas and a joyful time during the new year.
There was another lockdown on October 12. Ever since cell phones were discovered, now every 90 days regional guards are here to search through all death row prisoners' property. This is a big headache because I'm made to endure unit guards searching through my property. It's never any fun being removed out of this cage & returning with my property thrown everywhere. Now everyone is made to remain confined 24 hours a day until everybody has been searched. Sometimes it takes 2 1/2 weeks to do this. I'm going to enjoy eating out of the brown bags the delicious food comes in - I think I'm going to be sick just thinking about it! I hate all of this, nothing about this life is exciting or motivating mentally. I have to fight to overcome so many psychological battles. Inside this cage I feel like an orphan who's searching for a family & love. Who understands how much I'm hurting & need to love someone? I know it's difficult for most people to understand the abuse that goes on behind these walls, the energy & focus one must possess to get beyond this abuse. You see, it hasn't been 1 day nor 1 year I've had to endure this madness. It's been 21 years & counting I'm made to wake up to this...
How are you doing? Me? I'm a lot of stuff but I'm trying not to complain, realizing so many people are living far worse & they're free, not confined inside a cage like I am. Yet, I'm not happy. On Sep 7 my brother & a good friend visited me. It was a pleasure to get out of this cage, to see people concerned about me. This doesn't happen often. My friend's son came with him. This young man is 14 years old. Unit officials allow children under 18 to come in without having to be on my visiting list. I was impressed by this young man. He would like to join the police when he grows up. This is unusual for young people these days. My brother said my father was in hospital and that he almost died as he was given the wrong medication. Had my father passed away I think it wouldn't have affected me at all. I don't hold anything for him. This was something I thought about for a while. I realize my feelings are the same statement my father has expressed to me for years. What am I supposed to feel for someone who stands by & watches me suffer & does nothing for his son? This is unnatural for a father. This sickness was passed down to me. This is the sad part. My brother & sister suffer from bipolarity, both have two different personalities. They're given medication for their disorders. They only have this because of the problems passed down by my parents, they didn't suffer from this growing up. I was affected differently, I never wanted to be anything like my father, I wanted to achieve all my father couldn't be & everything he wasn't. I guess I was successful doing this. This stuff runs through my thoughts as I struggle to save my life with so little support coming from my family. I share this with you to help you identify my situation & how I view things, as well as what I'm fighting to overcome, while I battle with life behind these walls.
Things have become more difficult because prison officials aren't acknowledging their policies, they're making the rules out to be whatever they want them to be - this has become a distraction. Just think about what has been happening to me: the false cases, being demoted, having my property taken away, being punished for something I didn't do, games being played with my mail... don't you think this would affect anyone? Death row prisoners are now no longer allowed to have pencil sharpeners! Yes, you read that correctly. Now what is this all about? Prison officials are slowly taking away prisoners' rights & privileges. Major McMullen put out an IOC stating As of 9/15/2011 all & any pencil sharpeners on 12 Bld. will be turned in to the property officer. If you are in possession of this item, disciplinary action will be inforced. Can you believe this? Do you recall prison officials passing out shaving razors to us, prisoners, in the shower? I think this is why pencil sharpeners are being taken away. How much sense does it make to deny prisoners shaving razors, then give us a razor blade inside all pencil sharpeners? These are just my thoughts, I don't know for sure why they were taken away. Like everything else, prison officials say, pencil sharpeners will be in the picket for prisoners whenever one is needed, prisoners only have to give the officer their IDcard. The first night this started, the pencil sharpener wouldn't sharpen not one pencil, the guard had to go on to another pod to get their pencil sharpeners! A guy down the run shared that the mailroom was holding his mail to his attorney over a week, can you believe this? This guy came off death watch, the way the story goes he sent his attorney a letter, a week later his lawyer came to see him, so he asked if he had received his letter and he hadn't. They requested to speak with the warden & complain, the mailroom people still had this guy's letter, it was given to him then. I have a grievance I have to appeal. I was written a case but was never taken to kangaroo court but I was given a punishment. My reply stated Disciplinary case 20110356119 has been reviewed. No procedural or due process errors were identified. It appears that there was sufficient evidence to support a guilty verdict. The punishment imposed was within established guidelines. Therefore, there is no valid reason to warrant overturning this case. Now this is what the "Disciplinary Rules & Procedures for Offenders" states: An offender shall not be given any punishment without a hearing; a disciplinary hearing must be conducted before imposing cell restriction or loss of privileges. These people are violating their policy every time & they know exactly what they're doing, guys are talking about law suits which will take years to address while the problems continue. Did I share with you about unit officials removing $100 from all prisoers'accounts to pay medical treatment? If not, now you know. On Sep 1, 2011 officials began removing the money from the account of inmates who request treatment. It's an all out attack upon prisoners. This is a depressive place filled with all kind of confusion, chronic dilemmas & madness I couldn't begin to explain. Thinking about all of this would keep anybody upst, frustrated & angry!
The lockdown is over but in October there will be another one. Oh well, the sun can't shine all the time. Here in Texas it's been hot! 108-109 degrees. I was taken outside for my 2-hour rec at 6:18 in the morning & I couldn't believe how warm it was. Prison officials are now enforcing a T-shirt rule: prisoners have to wear their shirts the whole 2 hours we're outside or lose our rec or receive a disciplinary case. These people have lost their minds! It's as hot as a desolate wasteland & we're not allowed to remove our T-shirts while working out or running a game of basketball. They have truly lost their minds. This works on some inmates, not all because it makes no sense. These women guards & other female personnel are attracted to us, prisoners' sweaty bodies. So to prevent these women from lusting, all prisoners have to wear their T-shirts. Prison isn't concerned about prisoners' health, only women guards falling in love with a prisoner. Cameras are everywhere & they're worried about something getting past their eyes, I guess the hand is quicker than the eye. Last week steel plates were welded to the edges of the cage doors to prevent us, prisoners from passing a book, magazine or anything else out the side of the door. The only thing I'm witnessing is prison officials taking any & everything they can & creating rules that allow the guards to harass prisoners at any time they feel like it! Last week I was talking to a guy and I had to get up on the bars to hear what he was saying. I was in the dayroom for my rec and a woman guard came by & ordered me to get down. I got down and asked her: "Are you working over here?" She told me it didn't matter. I began to tell her it did but she said: "I don't like your fucking attitude". This created an exchange and she didn't like what I said, so she wrote a disciplinary case on me. When it was time to go to kangaroo court, I wasn't allowed - meaning I wasn't given an opportunity to go. These people are making a practice out of denying prisoners from going to court. This means whatever written on the case, the inmate is found guilty. I've written several grievances against this but the grievance system supports what's going on. Anyway, I'm just trying to stay out of these people's way, it's less stress for me & good for my blood pressure...
