Disturbed is how I begin this blog.
Failure is just an act of not achieving a goal, it seems this is all I'm doing! My cards, T-shirts, book, newsletters, blog & those I've attempted to establish correspondence with...all this has ended in failure.
I can't hire an attorney with money donated to hire a lawyer & this is sad.
This makes me feel like a little kid who fails trying to learn how to ride his bicycle, by falling & hurting his knee. Limping into the house mad, swearing never to attempt to ride his bicycle again. Soaking in emotional despair of failure, discouragement & anger consumes the child's mind. To help overcome, parents become the voice of encouragement, with words providing motivation helping this child remove his fear of hurting himself again. By believing he'll have success the next time he attempts to ride his bicycle. A child always fells safe & confident knowing his mom has a strong grip upon his bicycle rolling down the street laughing, big smile on his face enjoying riding his bicycle consumed by joy never realizing his mom has let go...
To allow a child to feel safe, his mind possessed with the confidence that he can do it, the voice of encouragement has always come from parents.

Did you know I'm getting one or two letters a month? It's not just not having any involvement here in Texas, prison officials have destroyed most of my friendships assuring that I don't receive words of encouragement. Now you understand why I pour my energy into my projects, desperately trying to do what I can to help myself. I know there isn't anyone here in texas I'm able to depend on. The projects are designed to create help, just as this blog is supposed to. Yet, I don't see any positive result!

I'm battling too many emotions just dealing with this life I'm living. It's so discouraging thinking about all these years of attempting to develop an audience to support InCaged, yet I haven't developed anything. If only I had dependable people involved in my life...But all I'm receiving from living inside this environment is discouragement, a psychological abuse.
This only adds to failure; with failure comes an emotional assault as well, low self-esteem. The joy that grows from success doesn't exist from failure & this is only one of my problems, but this problem should explain why enthusiastic energy doesn't jump off the pages in some of my letters.

With issues like this where do I turn?

I'm not a guy who needs much but it's truly aggravating only having enough money to go to commissary one time. Prison officials have been manipulating how commissary is run. We are supposed to go every 14 days, yet we don't. We're only being allowed to go every 21 days. This means we're only going twice a month. Not only are we being denied the opportunity to buy stamps, most of the time commissary doesn't have everything I order. I end up running out to do this.

The point is: these people know how to control & manipulate the lives of prisoners, intentionally or not, this is what's being done. These things keep me frustrated because I'm asked to deal with so many situations without the needed help. Each time I take a step, like buying this typewriter, I'm pushed back 3. Typewriter breaking, having to pay someone to fix it & the emotional stress from having to deal with all of this.

I'm made to fight so much & I wonder why I haven't lost my mind. I am supposed to be insane, being forced to deal with so much adversity. I haven't had time to think about writing a letter to an attorney. Besides, I don't have any post stamps so the letter couldn't be mailed even if it was written. I started working on my book, but for the past few days I haven't been able to focus on it.

I'm learning that I shouldn't depend on one person because life comes with many disappointments...

28-08-2009, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine