Summer has kicked in Hot Drive on this end, it was as hot as hell when I was outside the other day. I ran about 35 minutes in the heat and I was just fine the whole time I was running. Once I stopped it got hotter, there weren't any trees to sit under on the outside yard. I survived, don't worry. The guy in the other yard said: "Old man, if you pass out, there's nothing I can do for you over there". "That's why I'm doing what I do making sure I keep my body healthy", I told him.
I've gained some weight I'm trying to get rid of, I just need to continue doing what I'm doing, everything is going just fine. A few guys have come to me wanting to join in, wishing to work out with me. One guy is 42 years old, very fat, he said he allowed his weight to get out of control trying to deal with his death sentence, the thought of it took a lot out of him. Said he had stopped caring about how he looked. Said he'd been watching me every time I came to the dayroom & worked out, kept telling himself he was going to do it too but never did.
The other day I called him out to work out with me. To my surprise he gave me what he was able to do, which I thought was good, since this guy weighs over 300 pounds! The other guy is the youngest, he asked to work out with me because he wants to get in better shape than he is now. I don't mind, with him working out with me on days when I don't feel like doing my complete work out, he's there pushing me forward... & he doesn't even know it.
This is what I need: caring people pushing me forward. To be honest, I don't have people interested in my life.
I need someone involved in my life pushing me to provide them with a better understanding of my case. I'm getting tired of watching years pass me by, it feels like I can't get any closer to witness things develop with my case.
I'm just sitting here growing old dealing with situations created by prison officials, guards & these stupid ass inmates...This isn't what I want!
While working on my book I realize I'm staring at my past, present & future. I wonder how I'm going to put everything in order. Trying to organize all of this demands so much of me but this work also allows me to see a clear picture of events in my life. My parents were teenagers growing up in the '50s, then trying to raise children in the '60s, I realize now. How can kids raise kids while the mother is being abused & the children neglected? No good can come of this! Understanding this now explains so much to me...
I'm going to call this book 'Used'. I'm sitting on death row because someone took advantage of me & it has continued as I try to raise money to help myself. Those I've trusted feed off the misery of my innocence like parasites...not caring that I'm suffering from some traumatic shit!
Do yoy get it? All the stuff happened by the people I trusted: my parents, friends & those I open the door of my life to. I had to battle with the affect of dealing with knowing I meant nothing, just an object someone used for their benefit & all these years alone without my family... knowing I was just used. It's hard sharing this but it's the truth.
On the other hand, there's an advantage too: my typing has improved. Working on this book has a lot to do with this. I sit at this damn thing 5/6 hours a day, my ass be killing me from sitting in one spot for so long, sometimes my back too...
On June 12, we had to go without water. It was cut off about 4 o'clock in the morning. I'm not sure what the problem was. When I asked the guard, all he said was that it would be turned onat 4 a.m., they were told it would be off for 24 hours. No one took a shower because of the water. When I discovered the water would be turned off, I filled as many containers as I could with water, so after I worked out in the dayroom I took a wash-off once I returned to this cage.
I haven't been receiving any mail lately and for the first time this doesn't disturb me because I realize if someone isn't putting in the time to write I don't mean anything to them...

20-06-2013, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine