I wish to express my appreciation for those of you who take the time to read my story. Anyone wishing to become involved, to get to know me better or help me through this injustice: I'm looking forward to hearing from you via daryl.wheatfall@hotmail.com or Polunsky #999020/Mr.Daryl Wheatfall/3872 FM 350 South/Livingston TX 77351/USA.
24-12-2011
Christmas thoughts
Things have become worse. Trying to provide you with a clear picture of what's taking place around me, how this affects me, is going to take a lot out of me. I'll give it a good shot. I'm placed outside, it's about 35-40 degrees. A T-shirt & thermal shirt is what I have on. To protect my head from the cold, I wrap my T-shirt around my head. The guard comes out & orders me & another guy to remove our T-shirts from our heads. You can't believe this? Neither could I. They tried to remove me from the yard because I wouldn't follow orders but my time wasn't up & they know their order was B/S, petty & nonsense, the guard was seeking to provoke a negative situation; this would be his excuse on why he wasn't able to do any work. This isn't the only outrageous event I've been made to endure: food is being denied, my sleep is being disrupted, mail delayed & policies violated. This is just some of what's going on. On Dec. 5 I was given a letter written Nov.6. To hide the post mark date, mailroom personnel marked it out with a black marker, just another way to deceive after holding my letter over a month. I wrote to a friend in the US and this Oct.31 letter was posted Nov.10. They gave me his letter in a different enveloipe so I wouldn't know how long they have been holding it. It was 2 weeks old by the date on the letter. This mail problem is going to be a big issue and the problem will only get worse. It was reported the other day that the US post office will be closing many of their buildings letting go many of their workers. They say a lot of people are now using the internet to mail their letters, so instead of mail taking 1 to 2 days to arrive now, it's going to take 3 to 5 days because unit officials will use this to delay mail longer. Not sure when it will start, some time next year, I guess. The other day I had a problem with a guard who deliberately didn't feed me. But first I must say that since these cameras have been up, a lot of guards have been fired, transferred to another unit or just quit, so now a lot of young & inexperienced people are here now. The feeding procedure is as follows: the guards enter the section, saying: "It's meal time, turn your light on if you want to eat." They begin to serve each individual going door to door. If someone doesn't have his light on, they're supposed to ask the person if he wants to eat, giving him an opportunity to accept or refuse the tray. These new guards aren't doing this, some are just walking past the cage without asking/giving a person an opportunity to accept his tray if his light isn't on. Even when the person comes to the door after they have walked past, these guards refuse to give him his tray. On this day, lunch wasn't passed out until 3:30-4 o'clock because a pipe broke flooding out the kitchen in this building. Food had to come from another building, which was why the food was late... These lazy ass guards were the other reason. Laziness is why we, prisoners, can't receive our showers, mail & recs on time and this is the problem in other departments as well. Anyway, the guard who denied me my tray created problems with other prisoners where a sergeant had to be called. I was able to explain my problem and when the sergeant looked at the paperwork to see what time I was fed, it had 19:45, they lied on the paperwork. So the sergeant asked: "Why didn't you feed this prisoner?" "His light was off", Officer Kelly said. "Don't you know that's not our feeding procedure?" Williams asked. Kelly simply stared at the floor. Sgt.Williams instructed me to write Kelly up & use him for a witness. All this was good but I still wasn't fed! Officers are now deliberately creating situations to use as an excuse why they couldn't shower, change out rec or the reason why they had to feed late & nothing can be done aboutit! I'm being awakened at 12:30 at night to get my mail or to be placed in the shower. Once I'm in it, I'm left inside for an hour or longer. If you roll all of this together, I'm beyond frustration... I expect you to understand all these attacks fill me with negative thought & energy, how could you not? I'm battling my emotions each day, fighting to hold on to my sanity, which isn't easy. I'm an orphan, have felt this way all my life. I'm sitting inside this cage, being abused physically & psychologically, waiting to die. My mother was never there for me, I haven't seen nor heard from her in 21 years. I understand now everything I experienced as a child was real, she doesn't care. Inside my head I'm sitting on death row because of a friend using me, not trying to hurt anyone, I'm trying to free myself from death row. All I ask is for help: help me help myself, not someone helping themselves by taking advantage of my situation. I'm getting older & older, sitting on death row, yet the state has not killed me. Why? It's not because of this useless ass attorney over my case, he has done nothing! Where is the Christmas spirit? If you ask a man to deal with the darkness I'm made to live through, this destroys my Christmas spirit. Anyway, I want to wish you the best for Christmas and a joyful time during the new year.
There was another lockdown on October 12. Ever since cell phones were discovered, now every 90 days regional guards are here to search through all death row prisoners' property. This is a big headache because I'm made to endure unit guards searching through my property. It's never any fun being removed out of this cage & returning with my property thrown everywhere. Now everyone is made to remain confined 24 hours a day until everybody has been searched. Sometimes it takes 2 1/2 weeks to do this. I'm going to enjoy eating out of the brown bags the delicious food comes in - I think I'm going to be sick just thinking about it! I hate all of this, nothing about this life is exciting or motivating mentally. I have to fight to overcome so many psychological battles. Inside this cage I feel like an orphan who's searching for a family & love. Who understands how much I'm hurting & need to love someone? I know it's difficult for most people to understand the abuse that goes on behind these walls, the energy & focus one must possess to get beyond this abuse. You see, it hasn't been 1 day nor 1 year I've had to endure this madness. It's been 21 years & counting I'm made to wake up to this...
How are you doing? Me? I'm a lot of stuff but I'm trying not to complain, realizing so many people are living far worse & they're free, not confined inside a cage like I am. Yet, I'm not happy. On Sep 7 my brother & a good friend visited me. It was a pleasure to get out of this cage, to see people concerned about me. This doesn't happen often. My friend's son came with him. This young man is 14 years old. Unit officials allow children under 18 to come in without having to be on my visiting list. I was impressed by this young man. He would like to join the police when he grows up. This is unusual for young people these days. My brother said my father was in hospital and that he almost died as he was given the wrong medication. Had my father passed away I think it wouldn't have affected me at all. I don't hold anything for him. This was something I thought about for a while. I realize my feelings are the same statement my father has expressed to me for years. What am I supposed to feel for someone who stands by & watches me suffer & does nothing for his son? This is unnatural for a father. This sickness was passed down to me. This is the sad part. My brother & sister suffer from bipolarity, both have two different personalities. They're given medication for their disorders. They only have this because of the problems passed down by my parents, they didn't suffer from this growing up. I was affected differently, I never wanted to be anything like my father, I wanted to achieve all my father couldn't be & everything he wasn't. I guess I was successful doing this. This stuff runs through my thoughts as I struggle to save my life with so little support coming from my family. I share this with you to help you identify my situation & how I view things, as well as what I'm fighting to overcome, while I battle with life behind these walls.
Things have become more difficult because prison officials aren't acknowledging their policies, they're making the rules out to be whatever they want them to be - this has become a distraction. Just think about what has been happening to me: the false cases, being demoted, having my property taken away, being punished for something I didn't do, games being played with my mail... don't you think this would affect anyone? Death row prisoners are now no longer allowed to have pencil sharpeners! Yes, you read that correctly. Now what is this all about? Prison officials are slowly taking away prisoners' rights & privileges. Major McMullen put out an IOC stating As of 9/15/2011 all & any pencil sharpeners on 12 Bld. will be turned in to the property officer. If you are in possession of this item, disciplinary action will be inforced. Can you believe this? Do you recall prison officials passing out shaving razors to us, prisoners, in the shower? I think this is why pencil sharpeners are being taken away. How much sense does it make to deny prisoners shaving razors, then give us a razor blade inside all pencil sharpeners? These are just my thoughts, I don't know for sure why they were taken away. Like everything else, prison officials say, pencil sharpeners will be in the picket for prisoners whenever one is needed, prisoners only have to give the officer their IDcard. The first night this started, the pencil sharpener wouldn't sharpen not one pencil, the guard had to go on to another pod to get their pencil sharpeners! A guy down the run shared that the mailroom was holding his mail to his attorney over a week, can you believe this? This guy came off death watch, the way the story goes he sent his attorney a letter, a week later his lawyer came to see him, so he asked if he had received his letter and he hadn't. They requested to speak with the warden & complain, the mailroom people still had this guy's letter, it was given to him then. I have a grievance I have to appeal. I was written a case but was never taken to kangaroo court but I was given a punishment. My reply stated Disciplinary case 20110356119 has been reviewed. No procedural or due process errors were identified. It appears that there was sufficient evidence to support a guilty verdict. The punishment imposed was within established guidelines. Therefore, there is no valid reason to warrant overturning this case. Now this is what the "Disciplinary Rules & Procedures for Offenders" states: An offender shall not be given any punishment without a hearing; a disciplinary hearing must be conducted before imposing cell restriction or loss of privileges. These people are violating their policy every time & they know exactly what they're doing, guys are talking about law suits which will take years to address while the problems continue. Did I share with you about unit officials removing $100 from all prisoers'accounts to pay medical treatment? If not, now you know. On Sep 1, 2011 officials began removing the money from the account of inmates who request treatment. It's an all out attack upon prisoners. This is a depressive place filled with all kind of confusion, chronic dilemmas & madness I couldn't begin to explain. Thinking about all of this would keep anybody upst, frustrated & angry!
The lockdown is over but in October there will be another one. Oh well, the sun can't shine all the time. Here in Texas it's been hot! 108-109 degrees. I was taken outside for my 2-hour rec at 6:18 in the morning & I couldn't believe how warm it was. Prison officials are now enforcing a T-shirt rule: prisoners have to wear their shirts the whole 2 hours we're outside or lose our rec or receive a disciplinary case. These people have lost their minds! It's as hot as a desolate wasteland & we're not allowed to remove our T-shirts while working out or running a game of basketball. They have truly lost their minds. This works on some inmates, not all because it makes no sense. These women guards & other female personnel are attracted to us, prisoners' sweaty bodies. So to prevent these women from lusting, all prisoners have to wear their T-shirts. Prison isn't concerned about prisoners' health, only women guards falling in love with a prisoner. Cameras are everywhere & they're worried about something getting past their eyes, I guess the hand is quicker than the eye. Last week steel plates were welded to the edges of the cage doors to prevent us, prisoners from passing a book, magazine or anything else out the side of the door. The only thing I'm witnessing is prison officials taking any & everything they can & creating rules that allow the guards to harass prisoners at any time they feel like it! Last week I was talking to a guy and I had to get up on the bars to hear what he was saying. I was in the dayroom for my rec and a woman guard came by & ordered me to get down. I got down and asked her: "Are you working over here?" She told me it didn't matter. I began to tell her it did but she said: "I don't like your fucking attitude". This created an exchange and she didn't like what I said, so she wrote a disciplinary case on me. When it was time to go to kangaroo court, I wasn't allowed - meaning I wasn't given an opportunity to go. These people are making a practice out of denying prisoners from going to court. This means whatever written on the case, the inmate is found guilty. I've written several grievances against this but the grievance system supports what's going on. Anyway, I'm just trying to stay out of these people's way, it's less stress for me & good for my blood pressure...
Things aren't what they used to be on this end: now it's one big distraction for me. Unit officials are writing disciplinary cases against their guards threatening to fire them if petty rules aren't enforced, a lot of the experienced guards who have been working on death row over 5 years are walking off the job, transferring or quitting, leaving a lot of young stupid kids, most are lazy & don't want to do any work - this is causing a lot of confusion. I can't get my rec, am forced to stay inside the shower over an hour waiting on the guards & the guards can't serve the food when it's supposed to, but the guards have time to write petty cases while not doing their jobs.
I'm suffering in this hell hole, but I'm surviving. However, it's as hot as a mother here in Texas, people are falling out from the heat & dropping dead: as hell! Dropping dead isn't the only thing falling out, non-existent like my newsletters: I would say they are dead. There is no outside connection with a supporting audience, just like I'm unable to make an outside connection with strong supporters here in Texas or anywhere else in the US... This has to change! My newsletters share my history & suffering behind these walls. I need to find new friends over this blog!
Let me share what's been going on around here. After 3 weeks of being on lockdown, July 25 we were taken off lockdown. Things are bad here because unit officials are violating their own policy & allowing guards to do whatever they want. Yesterday I witnessed a guard close the door on another inmate's arm & the only concern the inmate had was not to get moved to F-pod! Since coming off lockdown I haven't been out to rec because guards are now working so slow, when it's my time to rec it's 8:30/9 o'clock at night! The day is over for me at this time. Sometimes it's better not to leave this cage at all. That way I don't have to deal with these guards & other inmates. I like tranquility and peace of mind without having to deal with anyone else.
I received a letter from my brother who told me he was thinking about taking his life. After reading something like this I wondered why he sent me a letter like this. I'm surrounded by death, every other day someone loses his life as well as the many who are fighting to save their lives. I just couldn't understand it. I wrote him a letter but tried not to talk about this place because it's DEPRESSING & I'm trying to focus on other matters of what's going on inside my life. It's a depressing madness...
This unit is on lockdown again since July 5. We all just went on lockdown May 23 and came off May 31. It's an all-out assault upon death row prisoners & our rights, it's unbelievable with what's going on right now.
Prison officials are violating unit policy left & right, guards & prisoners are being written up over stupid & petty reasons (one guard is written up for handing a tray to a prisoner, he's suppoesd to set the tray down on the slut; another guard is written up for not making an inmate back out of the shower or one is standing too close to the slut when it's being opened). These acts are causing the guards to write fallacious & false cases, just like the one a guard fabricated against me that sent me to F-pod.
Here's what I'm thinking: they've been talking about the drug used to put prisoners to death. The only manufacturer of the short-acting barbiturate is unhappy states are using the drug to put inmates to death & has announced a new, tight-controlled distribution system, intended to keep the drug out of the hands of prisons while ensuring deliveries to hospitals & treatment centers for therapeutic purposes. Southern Ohio Corrections Facility in Lucasville, Ohio, Oklahoma & Texas, the nation's busiest death penalty states, have switched to pentobarbital for their lethal injections.
I think...with so much attention focusing on death row now, prison officials are trying to provoke death row prisoners into committing violent acts against guards & prison personnel to show how dangerous death row prisoners are. Get together a lot of videos showing guards with injuries committed by death row prisoners to prove their case. Just a few thoughts running around inside my head because I know/believe prison officials' actions have everything to do with these cameras, these guards are so frustrated with what prison officials are doing to them so many aren't thinking clearly. Of course, prisoners are deeply affected by what's happening because it's the dehumanizing perception & helplessness I feel, it's the feeling that prevents me from focusing on other matters. I stare at these walls and ask myself: "What am I doing wrong?". I mind my business, work hard on trying to generate awareness of my situation, have written a book, many newsletters & try to generate as much loving energy as possible; but I can't create any attention to my book, I can't develop any attention to my newsletters or get the help I need...What am I doing wrong?
Here in Texas it's as hot as hell. People are dropping dead from the heat! I've been confined inside this cage since July 5, unable to ge out to see what the sun will do to me...
I stare at the walls like I'm watching TV, taking in the many pictures created by my mind. Angry, dishearted & truly bored with this life I'm living because reality has revealed no onehas time for me. I can't get any help for my book, no help to promote InCaged to try to generate attention... What has been happening to me? I'm punished for something unit officials would later overturn & remove from my disciplinary records. Unit officials admitted I did not do anything wrong, yet I'm made to endure mistreatment because unit administration isn't trying to be fair...it's like they want me to suffer. With no support, no one will question their action nor attempt to discover why I am being mistreated. Why were my greeting cards denied when they were ordered correctly February 15, 2011? I'm made to pay to mail these cards home, though they came via the correct channels; why are unit officials abusing their policy simply to deny me? The shower slot being closed when someone is placed inside, I've told you about this. Several weeks ago holes were drilled into the windows. Now officials believe this is sufficient enough to leave us, prisoners inside these showers over 45 minutes! These holes don't change things that much, it's still hot inside these showers but not as bad. It's not just this, I'm not getting my rec the way I'm supposed to. I'm housed inside a cage where I'm made to go to rec first in the morning one day & last the next day. When I go last, it's 7:30/8:00 at night, I'll come back around 10:00/10:30 and wash my clothes, then I'm asked to get up for rec at 6:30! These guards are lazy & some deliberately give prisoners extra time during rec & use other events; like escorting the mailroom personnel or the nurse or feed the pod to justify why they are leaving guys inside the dayroom or on the rec yards 4 hours - or longer.Two or three rounds should be run during a 12-hour shift. After 5:30pm only one round of rec will be run. Second shift, normally 34 to 45 showers to do, feed the whole pod, about 75 to 80 prisoners, all the showers & recs have to be done before 10:00pm. How can this be done with 2/3 rounds of rec left? I end up not going out at all. Some guard is at my door at 7:30pm asking me if I want to go out. This affects my health... The mailroom has destroyed all of my outside connections, unit officials are denying my greeting cards, writing false disciplinary cases against me, nobody has time for me - none of this is seen as a whole to understand how much I must endure...
Feel so lost. So consumed with bitterness of what's happening to me. It's a harsh taste, it leaves such a disgusting & foul flavor around any positive thought, will or spirited motivation. On May 9, 2011 I received my grievance back stating Disciplinary Case # 20110211676 will be overturned & your records will be corrected: Grievance Resolved. Warden Lester. I'm innocent, but I'm still sitting on F-pod! I've been here since March 28, just like I've been sitting on death row since 1992 for something I didn't do! I'm innocent, I'm innocent, sure it's the same stuff. When someone is sitting inside a cesspool, will he not smell like a sewage? I'm sitting in hell, submerged beneath so much waste! Solitary, this is what I am. It's what I've been, hearing the nightward shores of loneliness, waves of thoughts & dreams wash over me; pulling at my soul drowning my spirit inside this goddamn hell hole - just waiting! How could comprehension ever be described where a rational identification is reached? It's clear, battling alone doesn't provide high hopes here in the miserable darkness created by uncaring prison officials. If anger comes, I'm to blame for accepting the dream, believing in something too good to be true. Something like me being a free man hitting a 150 in a Lamborghini of my dreams - witnessing envy upon everybody's face as I accelerate going by. Accepting this dream to be reality, when it doesn't happen I shouldn't be mad...Just like, when I wake up inside the madness of this hell - all alone. My life is nothing more than a joke! Prison officials focus upon my letters to discover my thoughts, to see how I think, what I'm thinking about & all that may be going through my mind or discover who is or isn't involved in my life.
My property has been returned! On May 23 I was awakened by the woman working inside the property room and she gave it back to me. The next day this unit was placed on lockdown again! WOW!
The darkness of this environment influences all forms of rationality. As I stare at these goddamn walls I feel the rage & bewilderment felt around the world when the atom bomb was dropped. Over 100,000 dead & 100,000 wounded - how can this be ignored? It's how I feel right now. Abandoned, disappointed & let down. Nobody has written. The games these people play by manipulating, delaying, controlling my mail has destroyed any attempt I've made to establish other outside connections. I feel trapped. This place is coming down on top of me. I'm not doing anything wrong whatsoever but I'm being made to suffer over lies. I'm sick of this life, I'm sick of these people, their goddamn made-up rules & their hate for prisoners! I'm an innocent man. Most of all, I'm sick of the manipulation that these people do. Life is starting to have no meaning for me; these people are going out of their way to cause me & other prisoners unnecessary pain. All I'm doing is watch myself grow old inside this goddamn hell hole hating every damn minute existing!
I'm now a level-2 housed on F-pod over a minor disciplinary. The case stated Unauthorized Transfer. It has me passing something to a guy inside a dayroom while I was inside my cage, which is totally impossible. They had an officer looking at the cameras & the person wrote the case wrong, my name is on 3 other people's cases & none of what's written is correct! I'm being punished for something I didn't do! When it was time for me to go to the disciplinary hearing for this bullshit case, I wasn't allowed to go to tell them the guard made an error! Are you understanding what I'm sharing with you? I was written a disciplinary case on March 28 and moved to F-pod the same day. My property was taken away. I was dropped to level-2 for an offense I never committed. I passed some books to a guy, but I wasn't written up for this. When they ran the disciplinary case, do you know what kind of punishment I was given? A verbal reprimand & I wasn't even in the room when this was done! I was given a copy of the case informing me what I received. I'm telling you, these people are going out of their way to abuse their authority. I was written a case & never made it to a hearing, but I was found guilty! This happened to 50 other guys as well! Being placed on level-2 means I'm on property, commissary & cell restriction & I haven't done a damn thing! Can you believe they wrote on the disciplinary case that I refused to attend the hearing? This is a damn lie! This is how these people falsify paperwork. They're the authority, who's going to believe anything an inmate says? Right now, guys are protesting against this abuse, a few aren't eating, some are getting a gas & run in on, sitting down on the run, but this isn't going to accomplish anything. I really want to discover if the people in Huntsville know what's going on. I need all of my friends to help me: go to Marjan's blog (www.bloggen.be/nodeathpenalty), where you will find a letter and 4 addresses. Please send letters as soon as possible and urge your friends and their friends to do the same. Thank you for your help!
It's an all out assault on prisoners'rights to exist until it's time to die on this end.
I'm just fine. However, I'm now housed on F-pod as level-2. What did I do? What do I ever do to receive a case? Nothing! I was returning two books to the person they belong to, which is why I am on level-2! Hard to believe? By TDCJ standards, transferring a book means Trafficking & Trading. This is a level-2 offence, a minor infraction. Several prisoners were written disciplinary cases for some of the stupidest reasons (passing a paperback book, toilet paper, a magazine; one guy was given food and he was given 15 days'cell restriction for eating inside the dayroom)! This is totally irrational, but this is the assault prison officials are exercising against death row prisoners. Denying razors, closing the slots on the shower door is just a psychological disruption - preventing that inner peace. Being back on F-pod has given me some inner peace, as if all my worries & concerns have been eliminated. I was upset when informed I would be moving, but they moved so many guys on March 28, it just didn't make any sense... These are guys who haven't received a disciplinary case since they've been on death row (10, 15, 16 years). I haven't had a case in over a year. These people are going out of their way to create problems: they gassed some guy on the rec yard on the 29th. I was in the dayroom, when they carried him in naked from the yard, the gas followed them in. At first, it wasn't affecting me, then it attacked like a hungry animal! Striking at my eyes & respiration - to blind me & robbing me of my breathing. I quickly made protection. The guy who lived next to me also was a victim. He's been on death row for 16 years, never had a case until now - this isn't a legitimate case. I told him: "Seven days will not pass without someone being gassed. How much do you want to bet?" The next morning they gassed the guy on the yard; I was hollaing to him from the dayroom, he was ignoring me because he knew I was going to say that I told him so! F-pod is where the rules are made up as the guards move through their day. The other day I was placed into the shower at 11.45p.m., the next day I didn't get a shower at all because ranking officers shut down all movement. Asd I write this, I'm waiting on a shower. I was placed inside the shower on March 30, I came out on the 31st: from 11:01 until 12:10 I was inside the shower; it's crazy, this life I'm living - that's the challenge for me not to become like this life. On March 28 I awakened to what I thought would be a normal day. I made me a shot of coffee, sat back taking in the sounds of my environment, drinking my coffee. Then I shot my line to the dayroom to return books that didn't belong to me. Now I'm being punished for this. What's a line? That's what we, prisoners, use to pass items from one place to another; nonetheless, please tell me, how unrealistic does it sound to punish a man for returning a book!
I'm under a lot of pressures living inside this environment - loving energy & support is what I need & loving energy & support is what I wish to provide, so I'll try to be more loving & positive...
On Feb.16 this unit was placed on lock-down. Again? Yes, again. Why? I don't know. On Feb.17 regional guards did the search. These guards came from a different unit. Anyway, prisoners were pulled out & placed in showers on different sections or on the outside yard. No one was able to witness the guards searching through personal or legal property. Once everyone was back inside their cage, most discovered property was missing. No one had a clue what guard had searched through their property & none of the ranking officials would acknowledge anyone seeking their attention! I had 10 bottles of water & copyright forms missing. Yes, I wrote a grievance, but without someone on the outside making a complaint, my grievance is only a record of what has taken place. Nothing else will be done about my stolen property. Listen to this, we prisoners will have to experience a shake-down every 90 days! This is what the ranking officer said. Also, guards are enforcing a new rule: they're being told to close the slot on theshower door. This is a safety hazard. There's no exhaust fan inside the shower; with the shower running, air isn't able to circulate with the slot closed on the shower door. I don't go to the shower any more since they started closing the slot door. I shower inside this cage now, it's less stressful and I get just as clean as inside the shower. It's been a year since my last case, you didn't know this, huh? Last year in February was the last month a case was written on me. Now, all I have to do is start developing more interest & involvement to go along with the news we received about my case...
It's my life, feelings & thoughts I'm sharing with you... The pain near my heart didn't make matters any better. I was taken to the infirmary for severe chess pain & my blood pressure was high (186/101). I know when something is wrong with my body but the unit doctor told me the problem wasn't serious! Nothing was done, they just placed me on a 6-week check: every Monday at 2 a.m. my blood pressure is checked. Since then I haven't had any problem - well, not any real problem.
The other day I found a rock inside my food! Almost broke my tooth. It's unbelievable all I'm made to endure behind these walls. Life seems so hollow due to how things are run here. So many rules are created as obstacles to cause disruption & confusion. I'm not complaining, I'm able to deal with whatever I have to, I'm just trying to make my situation clear by sharing how I'm unable to achieve what I'm trying to accomplish. The confusion created by this place & the miscommunication associated with those involved in my life prevent me from establishing what I'm trying to do. This is so de-energizing. My mail is being held/delayed disrupting my communication, destroying my efforts to build more support.
Did you know Anthony Graves was released from jail after spending 18 years on death row? State officials don't want to pay him his money for unjustly locking up an innocent man for 18 years. This is crazy! Unbelievable really. Now this man has to fight for his money juat as he had to fight for his freedom! The State had him incarcerated due to the prosecution hiding evidence. This misconduct was discovered & the Capital Murder charge was dropped by the courts...but they don't want to compensate him. The State is saying since the charges were dropped & the word 'innocence' wasn't stated in his release papers by law, the State doesn't have to pay him $1,4 billion. This is something I don't want to experience when I'm released from this living nightmare in Livingston, Texas. That's why it's so important for me to have my book & Newsletters & experiences on death row published to help generate interest & funds where I won't have to move in with people who aren't involved in my life & didn't assist in my struggles for freedom. Anthony has the love & support of his family, something I don't have. Anyway, this situation makes me think of how the government continues to talk about terrorists overseas while I'm more concerned with these bigots & rednecks right here in the US backyard in control of the justice system & the law than I am with Bin Laden. These rednecks & bigots have been terrorizing the poor & blacks for hundreds of years, so terrorists aren't new to me/us... Slavery, lynching, church bombing, using water hoses & dogs against innocent people & children! This hate & injustice was released upon millions, terrorism is nothing new. It's new only to the ignorant of the world. These are the ones who don't give a damn! This is why innocent people suffer.
Before I forget: the typewriter & radio taken away from me in 2008 when they said I had destroyed a mattress, remember? A guy in the next section informed me the other day my radio was given to him, I'm guessing they broke his & replaced mine for the one they lost. The rules are used to con prisoners out of their property, then it's used as they see fit...
I have some good news! I saw Richard Reyna the other day. At first I wasn't happy with him. I'd a serious attitude when I walked in to see him. "He'd better have something good to say to me" were the thoughts inside my head. I was going to let him have it if he didn't have anything positive to put my mind at ease! My eyes told him this by the way I looked at him once I walked into the attorney hold-over. I don't believe in abusing someone before hearing what he has to say. I recalled that Richard had promised to visit me but this had been over a month and a half before, so you can imagine I was upset. All of my built up frustration was going to be released upon this man if he said the wrong thing, anything I didn't want to hear at that moment. But afterwards I realized this man needs some room to discover the evidence to set me free... It's easier said than what I'm able to carry out psychologically. I can't give details because I don't want to harm the investigation, but I couldn't believe what I read. No, I'm not sure how long things will take now, I guess there's still a long way to go, but there's hope of me being a free man again...
A letter was denied to me due to it being uninspectable - they are saying they couldn't look behind the flower stuck to the card! In other words, they found an excuse to deny the card. These people have been finding stupid ass reasons to refuse my mail going & coming in. Mailroom personnel gave me a denial form forcing me to return the letter...
On October 14 the guards came through shaking down going through everyone's stuff. I happened to be the last person because of the amount of property I have. Research material, legal material, books & information to be used on the book I'm writing & things I've written already is what I have... When the major & captain showed up, standing around watching, now they wanted to be concerned about the policy as they observed my cage being searched - this concern was shown when the others were searched too. They said I needed a legal box, but to get one I have to give prison officials permission to go through my legal material - these people want me to fill out forms giving them the right to go through my legal matters - this ain't happening. This guy from the library stated he'll go through my legal work & tell me what I can have & can't - this is a joke! Do you understand what's going on? (1) They are telling me I have too much property; (2) to keep that property I need to get a legal box, (3) to get a legal box I have to give them permission to the (cause no.#), which opens up everything about my case. I have to do this to get a storage box to put my property! These people have created a policy that forces prisoners to expose their legal matters to prison personnel. There's no policy that makes a prisoner reveal his legal affairs to personnel. What I'm saying is: by law these people aren't supposed to be reading material nor trying to deprive me of my legal material. I've been confined inside these walls for 20 g.dd... years; even when I'm not doing anything, somehow they find a way to state I'm violating their policy - when they can't follow their own policy!
This place takes me down like standing over a gravesite. My typewriter is broken. I just paid for this trash in June last year. I heard they have new ones that cost over $200! There are too many distractions in my life that prevent me from focusing on my book. I'm afraid with these pressures being placed on me concerning my property, I may not be able to put all the necessary information inside my book. I still have this pain near my heart. It's not bad, but it's there. I don't know what it is & this place & its people don't give a shit if I live or die! The pain is small & it comes & goes away...
The visits with Marjan were beautiful. We shared a wonderful time. It felt as if we were two little kids who had been mad at one another for a long time. Somewhere, somehow we walked through this door & all of that energy was gone! We were back, the loving energy we shared surrounded us, we sat there laughing like two little kids. I totally enjoyed her & miss her right now. She told me she shared the wonderful times we had on her blog with her readers (www.bloggen.be/nodeathpenalty - in Dutch). The visits went by very fast. One of the guards was kind to us. On the first visit she told us we had 5 minutes left. So I reminded her of the time we lost on media. She remembered & promised she would allow us some extra time. True to her word she allowed us far more than 5 minutes... Marjan kept looking at her watch worrying about the time. I told her to relax and we ended our visit without some guard telling us. The last day is always the hardest because inside our minds we know it's the last time we're going to see one another for a while - something we dread the most. Watching Marjan walking away, going through the rolling steel door, down the long glass hallway - she always stops to see if I'm watching, waving goodbye for the last time, smiling, then walking through another door out of sight - this kills me! Inside watching this I'm dying because I want to walk out that door with her, into the sunlight, out of this dark place...
There are problems with the mailroom personnel again. Prisoners' letters aren't mailed out the same day they're picked up. They are saying they have 48 hours to mail out outgoing mail. This is an excuse. My letters have been posted 4 - 5 days after the date on the letters. Other prisoners have told me they're experiencing the same problem with their letters. The weather is changing here in Texas. For a few days it has been very cool, while it's always hot in Texas, even when it's supposed to be cold. I wonder how long will I have to witness the seasons change from one to the next from behind these walls? I would love to be out & about enjoying the sun, cycling like a little kid seeing different places & people & made to deal with the bad weather. This would be a good day for me! On Sunday the football team that I like, the Houston Texans, won a hard-fought, very exciting game. It looked as if my team would lose! However, slowly they began to come back. At one point it looked as though the Texans were going to win, the next minute it looked as if the other team would win, but the Texans were able to pull it out & win the game. You should have heard the sounds guys were making over the win. I stare at moments like this to view my reality in a strange sense to be normal, though I realize all around me guys are facing death, waiting to be killed by the State of Texas. Everyone has all kinds of problems & worries running around inside our heads, yet it's during these moments pulling for our team to win that we become like any other person doing so. It's at this moment we escape the madhouse for a few hours, no longer worried of being killed by the State of Texas, no one cares about the cameras installed to watch everyone, the many problems everyone has, no one is concerned about them - my mind takes all of this in, listening to guys holla, yell & kick on their cage doors as if they had just won a lot of money without even knowing if I was among those doing the yelling & kicking. It's at these moments all seems normal. But staring at the walls inside this cage the following morning, I wondered how it was possible for me to even think such a thought, knowing I'm living in a controlled environment & nothing is normal about this madness. As I began to move around, I noticed there wasn't anyone inside the dayroom - I discovered this unit was on lockdown again! The visit between Marjan and me was nice. I enjoyed the time I spent with her...
