My own battle against a lot of feelings. I claim nothing and I don't care if you don't like what I write so if you'd like to be negative, you won't be more negative than what I've already been through.
28-02-2016
I'll start falling again
De titel zegt genoeg denk ik.
Hier zijn we terug men gevoelens gaan weer kwadratisch naar beneden. Men hoofd houd het niet meer vol. Waar is de drempel weer gekomen ? Door stomme mensen op school, Mensen die er voor gaan zorgen dat ik men school niet kan afwerken in 3 jaar maar et een extra semester gaat worden. Zo van die stomme mensen. En ik snap het allemaal niet meer... Ik werk 4 dagen in de week ga naar school, avond school, cursus jeugdtrainer, official scheidsrechter. Heb mee moeite tijd om te slapen en nog doe ik alles, nog moet ik men slaaptijd inkorten want anders wordt er niks gedaan. Nog moet ik gaan zoeken naar oplossingen hoe we iets kunnen oplossen want anders blijft het probleem hetzelfde.
Kijk maar terug naar dat van vrijdag, ik heb nog alles snel moeten doorsturen enzo. Nu krijgen we een mail van een leerkracht die ik vergeten in cc te plaatsen ben blijkbaar. Hierdoor hebben we dus momenteel een probleem en wie gaat dat nu volgende week gaan oplossen denkt ge ? raad maar wie het zal moeten doen ...
I just wish that I could leave this place. Ik wou dat ik naar een plaats kan gaan waar ik enkel de mensen hoef te zien die ik wil zien. Mensen zoals de personen wie ik al meerdere keren heb besproken in deze blog. Mensen zoals Tes, Mike, M. J. Zij die er doorheen de nacht wel zullen zijn voor me als ik op het randje zit. Zij die mss de mogelijk hebben om me tegen te houden van wat ik zou doen.
Soms denk ik wel van wat zou er gebeuren als ik dit of dat nu doe. Wie zou het dan weten, wie zou er naar vragen waar ik ben... Wie weet als ik nu men auto in het water rij, hoelang zou het duren voor het opgemerkt wordt dat ik weg ben? Al eerst moet er thuis opgelet worden en dat zal toch ook al een dag duren voor dat die iets weten, laat staan dat er dan niets op fb ofzo komt. Wie zou er dan na een tijd zich afvragen waar ik ben? Ik weet het antwoord daar wel op, dat zijn heel weinig mensen. Maar voor de rest zouden enkel zij die me nodig hebben het door hebben... Op de handbal wanneer zouden ze het weten, zodra ze iemand nodig hebben om te scheidsen bv. Op men werk wanneer zouden ze het merken als ik donderdag nu niet meer naar werk kom zou ze me bellen. Het zelfde voor Vrijdag, dan zouden ze al eens bellen naar huis of zien dat er iets is. Maar voor de rest op school ? Ja voor zij die zonder iets te doen willen slagen voor school, zij zouden het opmerken.
Maar tegen dat de helft het door heeft is alles al gepasseerd. Tegen dat iedereen het doorheeft ben ik weg, is men lichaam weg en wat dan? 1 week dat iemand eraan denkt en dan gedaan, een verleden tot het jaar erna? Daar gok ik op... Maar hey maakt niks uit toch, who cares, alsk weg ben ben ik weg. En hopelijk ben ik dan naar een beter plaats...
I'm sorry for those reading this and don't understand this I'm just feeling terrible and text me if you want a translation.
I left this morning at 8u30am so I'm sorry for all those little and slow blogs ;)
I just came home about 45min ago so it was a pretty long long day and didn't had time to sit down tho.
I'm tired as F* but I slept pretty well, and I guess I will aswell today but that's just a guess. I'm feeling pretty well, just only about the fact that there is this girl, who really really can make me happy and she knows it. I know she is having problems of herself and she doesn't want to admit that she can make me smile. But she has to know it. And she reads this, I know that. So for everybody else, the girl I'm talking to is a very special and kind person, which I can't lose anymore in my life. She means alot to me, although she could think otherwise. Sorry if I ever make you feel uncomfy ;)
I'm going to right some random self writen texts today since it was a very long day and didn't had any problems since i didn't have had any time to think ;).
**
Today I dropped a tear in to the ocean. This tear represents the love I feel for you. That one little tear of happiness, inside the big big ocean. And what if I told you that only when somebody finds that tear I will stop loving you.
**
You can keep fighting and things can still go wrong. You can stop trying and nothing will go on. It's just about you wanting stuff to change. It's about you, who constantly stands up and retries. You have to be the one who keeps chasing your dreams. You don't have to fight for anyone else. In the end it's only what you feel that mathers, think about that.
**
Heey you, yea you. I just wanne tell you that I care and that I'll be the one who stays by your side. I won't be the one of your future nor the one of your past. Just let me be the one who walks besides you and gives you that hand when needed.
**
Some times can be harse and I could say that I've been through some hard times. Not as hard as some other peoples but to me those were hard times. And for that I know life is hard and brings alot of difficult times with itself but know that you ain't alone. Even in the darkest places you'll be able to find someone, and if you can't find anyone, just call me and I'll be the one you'll find.
**
If you need someone to yell at, just call me and you can yell as much as you want. If you need someone to talk to, call me and I'll be listing. If you need someone to cry with, call me and I'll cry with you. Even if you need someone, but won't say anything. Call me and I'll be the one that's quite with you. Whenever you'er down I'll be there for you.
***
Heeey you who reads this I love you !! <3
and that special girl, to you I give you the most love of my heart now ;)
Today again school stuff is making me angry, since my project. Seems like I'm doing to alone or with a little help ... We are with 3 persons, 1 is doing nothing at all. Today again I had to write a lot of stuff by my own. Like the introduction had to be corrected by today, since we had some feedback wednesday and we had to correct it by this evening... It was 2pm and none of the others had done anything with it so, I did it again, they will "correct it", which means spelling corrects.
Some for the scheduling, has to be send by the same time and I'm the only guy who wrote anything in it...
Enough about school.
I'm feeling little better since I slept a little better this night and I'm able to go to work again in the evening so I'm not sitting here at home anymore. I'm busy than ;) not thinking about stupid stuff. Yesterday I did some drawing again, Makes me little better, still thinking about my tattoo but ain't got money for it so future possiblities ;).
Normally tonight I was going to eat on my work but something came between it, so I hope we can do the "date" another time. Instead I'm going to work again ;). So I'll have to finish my homework before 5pm ;).
I wish I could hug more people, cause that would make me feel better aswell. But I'm not seeing anyone lately so yea..
My head is starting to settle a bit in the cave. Not sure if I'll try to find some light now or just keep walking to the dark. Whatever will happen, it will happen for a reason.
As you noticed it's been a rough day today, lost my motorcycle key while I had to speed up getting home so I was almost to late at my appointment but I didn't eat. Just ate at 00:50 ;).
I loved the dancing show and so did I love seeing my ex again while she was happy. That's where the tricky part starts ofcourse. But I know I love her and I know she doesn't love me so I got to stop thinking everything will be alright and start looking forwards. It's not that I couldn't love anyone else but I'm still searching for that one person who brings a brighter smile to my face.
I'm not sure how sleeping will end tonight but since I overslept myself this morning I'm putting up my stereosystem as alarmclock just to be sure ;). Although I'd rather have someone next to me, than I'll be able to get out of my bed easly.
It's the middle of the day now and you'll see why I'm writing this. I'm at school and totally not hungry, I'm kinda upset about school lately. I'm getting lost in every little piece of life. Yesterday I started writing on my arm again. That's something I was used to do in secundairy school. It's like messages I can't tell anyone but I have to right them down. Sometimes it makes me feel better other times it's just a reminder of how I feel. I'm not sure what to do but I feel bad at school. As I said before I'm starting to lose my face in school aswell, the fake smiles are gone.
I'm in a library now writing this not knowing what else to do. I'll be in the library later today propably because I'm having a spring hour between lessons. No one knows I'm here so I'm alone, which comforts me a bit. People here don't expect me to smile, people won't wonder what is going on.
I'm just, I dunno, lost I guess and I'll need to find track again. I'm trying to work for school, trying to comfort me in that way. I slept real bad and I was almost tolate for school. But no one wonders. I'm feeling terrible, fysicaly tired as those people say I have to talk to.
I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way, I bet someone does. I'm just looking for an out way, looking to end these ways of living.
This evening there is a dance show of my ex gf I'm going to so it will propably a little late again tonight but I'll manage since if I go to bed it won't mather, cause falling asleep and staying asleep isn't that easy again.
I'm just like the months after Tess died, I'm almost feeling the same. Nothing to do about it but wait I guess.
Today was one of the worse days since a long time.
Today I started crying on a the middle of the day on school and in the car. I can't hold my smile up anymore, my face smiles are done. People getting on my nervs; There is this guy which thinks everything is simple, fe. Frence is simple blabla, some today we had to study for English aswell and he was like you didn't study and you won't make it and stuff like that. But he is in my project group and I'm like he didn't do a little thing for project yet. J. en me are looking for everything, making a schedule, making the introduction, looking up stuff. In the afternoon we scheduled a meeting to test some motors to see what we could do with some old stuff I had and he was like what are we doing here ? He was just sitting there and stuff while I was trying to make the schedule.
Last week he made me snap by not doing anything. Now he totally made me snap so I just left from my project meeting.
I'm not sure what to do anymore, I'm not finding any light spot anymore, everything looks dark.
It's hard to think clearly, and I'm sorry but I can't explain it today but it ain't going well and I hope tomorrow will be better.
Today I'll get some sleeping pills to sleep, which I already took and lets see if I can get some sleep ;)
You were the person which I talked to for hours, I was there when you were feeling bad. You know that I am feeling bad, I know you know but where are you now ?
Vandaag zal het even in het nederlands te doen zijn.
Gisteren was de marine dag, zoals sommige zullen weten ben ik ook opt nieuws geweest. Zelf vond ik het een prachtige dag maar met veeeeel vragen. Graag zou ik naar de marine gaan achter men school. Graag zou ik weg gaan van alles, maar stel nu dat ik iemand vind. Zal die persoon wachten op mij? Is het mogelijk dat ik die persoon dan verlies? Het zelfde geld voor vrienden, wat er toch nog van overschiet. Langs de andere kant is het positief dat ik niet moet omkijken naar iemand dan, kan me ten volle geven op missies, who cares? Soms weet ik het allemaal niet meer.
Heb ondanks de ouderdom van de schepen echter veel gezien dat me wel degelijk aanstond, leven op een schip, de wereld zien van de andere kant dan van de kust?! Zoveel dromen, maar wat zal het worden Zo veel vragen, die ongesteld zullen blijven.
Achja nog 1 jaar een half minimum om men studies af te werken, ze hebben me aangeraden om niet op 1 paard te wedden en als ik de kans krijg ook men master te voltooien.
Zelf hoop ik het toch ooit mee te maken, kan je het u voorstellen je zit op schip geen luchtvervuiling van verlichting. Alle sterren kunnen zien. Dan zal ik Tessa wel zien daarboven. Al zal het lastig worden om ze te vinden ;).
Vandaag en gisteren redelijk wat gewerkt en niet geslapen, vannacht wakker geworden en 45min wakker gezeten zonder in slaap te kunnen vallen. Nu me voelen wegdraaien terwijl ik iets aant lezen was, hmm perhaps best om in men bedje te kruipen seffes aangezien morgen vroeg terug op school moet zijn. Met men voet is echter alles goed, lopen kan ik niet doen en ook op schip me enkele keren mis stapt maar cva alles goed ermee.
Zelf ben ik momenteel aant zoeken om op erasmus te gaan, zou graag naar zweden gaan maar nog nooit iemand van elektronica naar daar geweest dus raden ze me dat af, aangezien ik dan zelf alles ga moeten zoeken en deftige akkoorden sluiten enzo. Maar zo ga ik mss met iemand die ik kan vertrouwen naar Barcelona gaan, wie weet kunnen we dat wel flikken.
Zelf zou ik het prachtig vinden om naar Barcelona te gaan, weg van hier in Belgie, weg van alle bekende nonsens dat je hebt... Al ga ik bepaalde mensen missen maar hey, niemand spreekt toch af met mij, so nobody cares...
De poging om foto's te gaan trekken is er nog niet van gekomen, geen tijd en geen kracht. Zoveel zin maar dan moet het nog lukken ook. Ben het gewoon beu om hier hele dagen alleen te zijn, niemand meer te hebben om op terug te vallen. Voel me gewoon zo slecht als ik mensen moet storen, iedereen heeft wel iets beter te doen dan naar mij te luisteren tho.. Al heb ik geen idee waarom ik blijf mensen sturen. Waarom ik gewoon niet stop mee naar mensen te sturen en wacht tot zij iets doen. Maar daar ken ik men eigen dan weer in. Mensen zijn zo schijnheilig ...
Grrr, kon ik nu eens gewoon even verdwijnen en kijken hoe mensen reageren, zouden er dan nog veel mensen denken aan me achter een week, hoeveel mensen zouden me zoeken? Wie zou het zelf merken?
Ben ik de enige die hier over denkt? Ben ik raar? Heb ik problemen? Geen idee, zelf zou ik men eigen begrafenis willen regelen, zelf muziek kiezen zelf kiezen wat er gebeurt met de uitnodigingen... Een automatisch berichtje sturen naar mensen als ze me eindelijk nog eens sturen.. Niet van publiceren. Sommige mensen zouden het zelf niet eens weten dat ik weg ben. Stel nu ik stop mee social media.. Hoeveel mensen zouden er zich dan afvragen of ik nog leef? Hoeveel mensen zouden dan nog zo iets hebben van, he laten we eens zien hoe het met Mike is? Momenteel voel ik me als eenigste die altijd iedereen stuurt om een gesprek te beginnen? Is dit misschien mijn probleem bij ik te aanhankelijk aan iedereen, stuur ik mensen te veel? Verwacht ik teveel van mensen? Zoveel vragen over men eigen, en alleen ik kan ze ondervinden... Al hoopte ik dat iemand me begreep xs
Today I had a free day , which means do a lot of stuff for school normally ;). I did some stuff but definitely not a lot ;) For my school project I've gone grabbing some broken remote cars, where I'd get the motors from you use for my robot. On the moment I alreeady ordered some stuff of our robot, this is because I wanne speed up and win the competition ;).
After getting the cars, i had to see my ex gf, which was pretty akward seeing her. We didn't really know what to say to eachother or stuff but there was still something of me in her home so yeah..
After all that I stopped at work to see if I should go to work today but there werer no reservations. But the brother of my cheff is there so while talking we managed to make an appointment to go drive my motorcycle and me chefs motorcycle later this day. So a little after noon we started driving and when to the netherlands. Where we stopped at carzand ( a beach ) because I was curious how it look there. After that short stop we went to Sluis to go drike a coffee. Back home we drove about 150km today so nice ride which settles my mind.
Where I get to the point I want to thank some people for always trying to stick around and I know I'm a shitass so I'm sorry that you have to deal with me xs. But know that I love you and I always will, doesn't mather how far you are nor how close you are. Doesn't mather if I hear you every single minute of the day or only once a week or over longer. Know that in the end you'll always be there.
**
You are locked in a place, and you are wondering where you are. In a big room you then see a display, on the display there is standing: "Please enter the password to open this gate." and you start thinking what happend? You start looking for a clue. After hours you havn't found anything but a strange beating noise. So you wanne start trying some codes. The first you enter * * * *. *Beeep* That password was incorrect, you have 2 more try's. You start searching again for a clue. nothing can be found but the number 1. SO you try * * * *. *Beeep* Incorrect, you have one more try. Desperately you try another code with 1'. * * * * . *Beep**Beep* and this gets spoken to you. You are now locked forever and can't get out anymore. Welcome to My heart, you'll be in the number 1 spot forever my dear!
**
Tomorrow I'm going to the navy, seeing some ships and talking to some military personal to see wether I am going to the navy or I'm not. Wish me luck ;)
Through everything I have been throught I've already experienced this before.
On many occasions people disapoint you and make you feel bad. Even thou I right this blog people still give commenting stuff about it. People are just grr I wish I could leave here ...
The problem is things never get better, not on school there is always something, with colse friends there is always something, even in games while playing online some people get on your nerves every bloody time.
Trying to find a way out of this shit but it won't be anything clean...
Lets start with the night agian. I went to bed pretty quick last night (1.30am) and slept pretty well until 8am. Then Tessa woke me up, she said she wanted to talk to me about important stuff so I sat down and listened. She started explaining stuff she had done on her first schoolday after the holidays. She seemed so happy but didn't had time to talk to me yesterday she said. While talking we started thinking about what we did together and how every moment we are together nothing else mathers, it's just having fun.
Then I started remembering stuff again like our drawing, me helping her with her hair and stuff like that since she mostly didn't know how she was supposed to look she asked me all the time. Perhaps not such a good idea but Heeey lets get crazy ;).
It also reminded me of the time we spent camping in the wood and in her garden. The songs and stories we made while sitting at a campfire. She was a great singer and was great ay playing the guitar.
After our hour of talking I fell asleep again, this time my mom had to wake me up because I had to leave for school.
At school I felt bad again since I remember Tessa her talking in my head and I wasn't sure what to do. Am I getting worse, is this something bad ? Oh dear, but as soon as I had people to talk to things got clearing away and I could focus on the talking with them on school. The first lesson is something I really like it's VHDL but the second was such a boring lesson .. After the lesson I had to drive home quickly cause I had to be in Ghent again in about 2 hours, so with some traffic I got home in about 40min, eat, grabbed some stuff and left again with my motorcycle. Oh man i feel so alive while driving my girl ;).
In Ghent again we had to go to the university to listen to some stuff about our robot competition, so we were talking about cool stuff. After it I went to a friends home with some fries and we eat them there and started searching some stuff on the internet about the robots we had to make.
While driving home again I started thinking about how it would have been if Tessa was still around and how she would be able to help we not feeling down every little time alone. Well there wouldn't be a reason to be sad about. Tessa was the one texting me instead of me having to text all me friends now. Kinda makes me feel like a stalker xs.
Going to bed early I think cause I feel bad, but found a way to get sleeping with some raining noise in the background and with me uncles teddy dog with me.
****
Adding
The fact of being alone makes me sad as well, cause if you walk around everywhere I look I see people being happy together. Watch it at school, in shops, even while driving I start looking at it xs. I know there is this girl who said to me, I don't have to rush anything cause that is a bad idea to do. But After a long relationship being alone is something grrr. I just want someone to hold and have next to me. Someone to be myself with. I don't need someone for sex or anything just someone to hug, someone to love xs
Today was the first day of school again and seemed like a good start ;) Although it's going to be a pain in the *** again this semester since I'd hate seeing some people ;). On the other hand this semester is only electronics anymore so some interesting stuff ;).
Yesterday was valentines day and I was to tired to write after a 13hour day so I left it for today. Good thing about it was I was working in the kitchen and so I didn't have to see all those couples in love ;).
Although I didn't have much sleep last night, I didn't had any nightmares either, so for the 4.5hours I slept I slept well. Tonight is going to be something different since I should be able to sleep about 8 hours again.
But once again I'll be laying awake thinking about Tessa. On the first year I knew Tessa we went to the cinema together for valentine just bacause the both of us didn't have a relationship so, why than not go together. But it makes me remind of her ofcourse, she was so happy back then, We had a whole day together and we had Mc Donalds, walked in some shops in Ghent and sat down in the park at the Zuid, just enjoying the fact of being happy as we were. That is who she was with me, everytime she saw me she smiled and we had a great time, but when I left reality striked again and the bulling started again.
Even on this they some people remind me of her, not in total but parts of them remind me of her. For example how she laughed, how she kept wondering around while we were talking, moving just like me. That's where I find my joy in other peoples.
Although there is this girl who makes me feel better when I see her, kinda makes me a little happy aswell. But than again it isn't easy for me to talk to her. Since I have no idea how to keep a conversation without me akwardness.
Anyway I miss the fact of somebody to hug and to lay next to, somebody to watch a movie with and take a walk and I could see that girl in my dreams. How I fancy hugging her, having a walk in the park and stuff but I'm pretty sure I won't mather, and it will stay a dream :(
Anyway peeps Thanks for reading again and See you next time ;)
For those knowing my pain, I'm trying to open myself to type what I feel but it makes me wanne cry to much so I write it in big lines. I'll learn how to describe it.
This is a rather early post, thinking about the fact I'll try to get in bed earlyer then yesterday.
Sorry for the shorter post yesterday, well not sure if everypost will be long tho ;) But I'll have to explain some stuff from yesterday. I'm lately having problems sleeping, not sure what the problem tho, It's like I'm constantly having nightmares. Not like the scare stuff of monsters and such, but more like people dieing in front of me while I can't do stuff, people leaving me because I'm stupid. Such things.
It's not always the same person but it's the same group of persons every night. I think I have about 3 or 4 of those different dreams every night lately which pretty fucks up my mind, sometimes it's hard not to see if it's reality, that's what I'm thinking about all day now.
On the other hand it makes me think of how much I mean to people. Some of those dreams perhaps are true, some people did leave me. Some people are better without me and ain't looking back to me. That's true, I won't say names but there are people who I cared alot about and helped alot for about 4 -5 years and if you hear them now it's a 3 message long conversation. Hi, how are you ; Hey I'm good ; Oh so what are you up to ? End of the conversation. Stuff like that
I'd figured out I'd rather stop wasting time on those people, it only gets me deeper in my cave ;). On the other hand, all those memories xs.
I'm now going to talk to somebody and she'll notice it's about here ;).
It's a girl which I'm very happy to have by my side. Although we don't have such a long talks and you are a very busy person, but I know you care. I know it ain't easy for you, you're goign to a rough time right now but know you are an inspiration to me. The things you do for that other girl makes me feel like there are people who care about other people. And in some way I'm sad about the fact that I could have done more for Tess, like you keep that girl alive ;). For you it's hard and you are struggling alot to and I know that but you have to know that my phone is on every single second for you , day or night, just ring my phone and I'll pick up. I'm ain't losing you anymore, you can't get rid of me ;).
This night we had a talk and you made it clear to me that you are here for me to, and I know that ;) and you have no idea how much I appreciat that, and how much I love you for that. But remember that any time you struggle text or call me. I'll be here to help you, rather then lose you.
In the end it ain't about me, it's about me staying alive for a reason and as some people know my main reason to stay alive to is to help other people. And that's what I mostly do. It ain't about me getting some sleep to be rested if someone needs my help I'll stay up all night talking to them untill they sleep and this some of you might have noticed that. I won't be the one ending a chat most of the time. I'll be the one to watch you fall asleep, and if it were possible I'll be the one sitting next to you making sure nothing can harm you. I'd rather watch you sleep then sleep myself it that comforts you.
As you read through my posts I'd wrote down somthing about pain in my foot let me explain;
Last saterday I have torn a ligament in my right foot so that kinda hurts and makes my foot blue and purple. Some people say I have to stay home to rest but let me counter on this one is the fact that: at work my bosses are like family to me and I can't leave them in this weekend, I can't have them suffer, I'd rather sit in a wheelchair helping in the kitchen than staying at home bored and thinking how would it be over there. Anyway took some medication today and it worked out so tomorrow an 12-14hours shift it will be, just taking some more medication ;).
Sorry for the long post today but it helps settling my mind abit, there is one more thing I'd like to talk about. And that's someone else.
There is this girl I kno for a looooooong time and I bet she knows it's about her ;) Cause I know she want to know when I post. We had a lot of long nights talking and talking about stupid stuff and some tricky stuff in my heart,and she knows. The things is in some way I can settle that down and feelings are getting a place in my heart. I know that one day you'll move out again, once you got work, and I'll have to stop hearing you. And I have a feeling that this day won't be that far anymore. But I just wanne make sure that whatever happens, you can stop talking to me, we had that before for a couple of years. and one day I'll just text you again, like it was yesterday. I just want you to know that you'll have to stop texting me cause I ain't the person you have to fight for with your bf so I'd rather have you leaving me then be unhappy ;) but you know that whenever you need me you can text me. And read my blogs ;)
Anyway goodnight peeps and know that if you are up for a talk, just send me a mail and we'll find a way to talk. No mather if you black or white . Life next door or thousand of miles away. If you read this, there is always a way to communicate ;)
Today I had a long rest as the docters say I need with my foot so. Been to bed untill 11am ;)
I had a rather stable day today, bit boring in some ways. Went to Mc Donalds for food. Watched a movie played a game at my best friend's house .
Normally had to work todat but since there weren't that much reservations I could go home and rest with my foot since tomorrow will have a 7-8hour work in evening and I'd rather be in top condition. And Sunday will be close to 16h work so ;)
Anyway watched some foodball with my aunt playing around abit at here home joking to eachother and then back home started talking to an old friend. We had a very long talk which I obviously like so pretty okay today.
Thanks for those wondering about me today ;)
You know I love ya all and a goodnight from here. Lets hope on a less nightmare full night but hey I ain't a pussy, bring it on b*tches ;)
The movie gave me mixed feelings, and I suggest most people to watch it since I think there is a nice story line hidden in it. It's about girls but for me not a girl alone movie tho.
The only problem is throughout the movie I figured out what I had to figure out, and later this night I got my point aswell. The "single" movie makes it kinda clear to me that however things will run, she's not up for it, and deff not with me.
What I did catch on me this night again is the fact that she makes me smile all the time and feel good while I'm with her, but again it won't work out. And people tell me that you have to keep fighting for the girl you love and stuff like that, if it's really ment to be than it will be. But I just keep figuring out that it won't be, so I have to stop putting it in my head that it will. I lost a lot of things through keep thinking some day it will be alright, I lost a relationship with a beautiful girl, because I couldn't forget that girl. No all those years still figuring what could be else if I had kept that relationship with that girl, what if, maybe she wouldn't be in the position she was now. Maybe she would have had a better and happier life than she has now. This could have been different for the both of us now, not thinking about how it should have been and how impossible it is now.
You know I'd normally be the first to say nothing is impossible, and nothing really is but is it worth the effort is it worth the fight ?
Anyway it's time to move on and find something else in my life. While I was sitting and talking to her. I was thinking about my close future, me being around people now and so I figured I'd like to go out more now, find some friends to hang around with, go joke with. In Ghent I figured that it's not to late to party. The only problem is now I have to find a way to get in touch with people with who I can go out with. People to hang out and have fun with.
On the other hand I'm going to search people to do stuff with on the other half of the day. I'm thinking of going to side see some abandoned places here in Belgium, The netherlands Only thing is with who, and where will I find those people ;). Anyway going alone is an other option.
I just want to be more freely and try to put a smile on my face, getting hold of myself and start living more.
Today I'll try to have fun again, I'm struggling with me foot with hurted a lot this morning but, physical pain can be managed.
Want to visit work as well where I found out things are pretty harsh since again no one else is able to work, and I should come. But I'm going out for once ;) But again there I'll have difficulties since the girl I'm going out with is like somone I've always wanted to be mine. But it didn't work out, although we are still friends it keeps me thinking that things will work out someday. I've already noticed that it won't work out, so my feelings started changing but when I see her and think about her I keep thinking about the littel time we had together and how I wish it would've been.
Now we gonna watch a girl movie I guess but I don't care ;). (How to be single)
After the movie me and her will go and drink something and we'll see how my feelings will be. I just know that trying something that doesn't put effort in trying back won't workout eventually.
On the other hand there is this girl who I'm interested in but that won't work out either I think, although I'll keep trying to figure out if it will work out. I'll keep trying to have a talk to her and getting to know her since I know she has a beautiful soul and she sure has the looks as well. But she's busy most of the time.
My felings are kinda wrecked lately, but that prob because me and my ex-gf broke up about 3 months now and we would've been 2 years and 11 months now. Which is a pretty long time, but it didn't work out anyway. For those wanting to know:
Me and her were little to different, I'm like an active person who'd rather be busy and rather go away than staying home all day watching movie after movie. An other thing which was different is the fact of standing alone, since I'm a very busy working all the time, going to school, evening classes and some other courses. And she stopped school and started working, so when she came home she was tired. Which again for me is like coming home I'm still pretty active ;).
I'm not sure that were the only reasons because, we argued a lot lately, like almost everyday we saw eachother, which only was about once a week tho.
The thing is I miss having somone to return to, somone I could hug without making it strange, I'm a guy who likes to hug people around most of the time. But for most girls this seems strange I have a feeling and getting a real hug is then impossible. So while chatting with me I mostly type hug, since I would give you a hug if it was possible. I really like to be in the arms of somone of having somone in my arms. Which makes some people jealous, like my ex got jealous for me being with certain girls, not because she didn't trust me, but she didn't trust them which is mostly pretty strange since they all have a bf.
Anyway, the thing is I'm about to find out again whether I should stop chasing something or that I should keep a hold on it. I know it sounds strange but after 4-5 years of not knowing how I have to keep my feelings for her, I'm still not completly sure what to do. Shall I tell her, I won't because I'm to afraid to tell her, or shall I see that it won't work out ? We'll see and I'll keep you updated tonight.
Again for those wanting to chat me, email me something to get on to to chat with you, if it's chatting throughout mail, skype, messenger whatever you feel comfy with. I'm up for a talk 24/7
To begin I'll write most of the things in English for jsut the fact that I feel comfy with it. I'm starting this blog for trying to settle my thoughts, since that's what has to happen these days.
I'm a boy with the age of 20 who has been though some rough this, well for me they are rough, some people might have had worse this. Some people always say I've been through nothing. But for me it's been a rough road, where IK'm trying to change my path and go down the other end of it. Like somone once told me, on the end of the pit there will be a stairway to heaven. I'm a student in Belgium so my native language is dutch, but I rather feel comfy with English, although it ain't super ;).
Though my blog you'll find some more details about me and what happend to me. But I'll start off saying some clue's that might be handy.
As first I got bullied for a couple of years by a "friend" I trusted to much much. On a certain walk on hollidays in primary school, I told him about my uncle who commited suicide. Through the 2 years after he has been bullying me about saying stuff like "Go get in the coffin with your uncle", just stuff like that. Later on he figured out that wasn't a smart idea since his grandfather died and came to me saying sorry. Although his bullying didn't stop, now it just was less violant. On later years I figured it was just him being jealous about me getting along with he best friend.
In primary school I got bullied a lot but I couldn't care less now, they bullied us about being wierd, playing games on the play field. games who related to video games, fe, we started shooting eachother wit h imagenairy guns.
In october 2010 I lost my soulmate, Tessa, where I rather now don't tell more about, perhaps I will later on. I had her in my arms dieing, totally covered in blood.
I think thats it about my past for now.
These days I feeling rather bad once again. Not by bullying anymore, not about not having friends. I know I have some friends now. But I rather not complain to them all the time, just put up a fake smile and try to make the best of it. I know some of my friends want me to be happy and tell me stuff like everythig will be alright. Actually everybody says that, and I'd like to believe what they say but every little bit of happiness in my life is getting held down by me feeling worse.
Some people might know but I believe in spirits staying in this world, people not really leaving this world and staying close to those they wanne be with. You might think that is strange but through my blog posts you'll notice that I still feel Tes being with me through difficult time, like she's sitting right beside me.
Now a little More about the reason for this blog.
I'll be writing down how I feel and how I'm trying to manage my feelings, making sure to stay on this world and help people like I always try to do. On the other hand of the blog I'll post some qoutes I wrote myself and some I might find on the internet through my fight against everything. I like to write and it makes me settle down a bit, there might be some twisting things in it but that's just like me. I'd like to visite some abandoned places as well and take pictures while I'm there so I'd might share those.
For those who rather chat with me, you can always mail me and I'll reply. Together with reactions on posts I'd like to be interactive with people and might helps some people.
That's it for now, I know it's a little long and not well organised but I'll try to work to better blog posts through my posting.
