My own battle against a lot of feelings. I claim nothing and I don't care if you don't like what I write so if you'd like to be negative, you won't be more negative than what I've already been through.
13-02-2016
Struggles in the night
Heey everybody,
This is a rather early post, thinking about the fact I'll try to get in bed earlyer then yesterday.
Sorry for the shorter post yesterday, well not sure if everypost will be long tho ;) But I'll have to explain some stuff from yesterday. I'm lately having problems sleeping, not sure what the problem tho, It's like I'm constantly having nightmares. Not like the scare stuff of monsters and such, but more like people dieing in front of me while I can't do stuff, people leaving me because I'm stupid. Such things.
It's not always the same person but it's the same group of persons every night. I think I have about 3 or 4 of those different dreams every night lately which pretty fucks up my mind, sometimes it's hard not to see if it's reality, that's what I'm thinking about all day now.
On the other hand it makes me think of how much I mean to people. Some of those dreams perhaps are true, some people did leave me. Some people are better without me and ain't looking back to me. That's true, I won't say names but there are people who I cared alot about and helped alot for about 4 -5 years and if you hear them now it's a 3 message long conversation. Hi, how are you ; Hey I'm good ; Oh so what are you up to ? End of the conversation. Stuff like that
I'd figured out I'd rather stop wasting time on those people, it only gets me deeper in my cave ;). On the other hand, all those memories xs.
I'm now going to talk to somebody and she'll notice it's about here ;).
It's a girl which I'm very happy to have by my side. Although we don't have such a long talks and you are a very busy person, but I know you care. I know it ain't easy for you, you're goign to a rough time right now but know you are an inspiration to me. The things you do for that other girl makes me feel like there are people who care about other people. And in some way I'm sad about the fact that I could have done more for Tess, like you keep that girl alive ;). For you it's hard and you are struggling alot to and I know that but you have to know that my phone is on every single second for you , day or night, just ring my phone and I'll pick up. I'm ain't losing you anymore, you can't get rid of me ;).
This night we had a talk and you made it clear to me that you are here for me to, and I know that ;) and you have no idea how much I appreciat that, and how much I love you for that. But remember that any time you struggle text or call me. I'll be here to help you, rather then lose you.
In the end it ain't about me, it's about me staying alive for a reason and as some people know my main reason to stay alive to is to help other people. And that's what I mostly do. It ain't about me getting some sleep to be rested if someone needs my help I'll stay up all night talking to them untill they sleep and this some of you might have noticed that. I won't be the one ending a chat most of the time. I'll be the one to watch you fall asleep, and if it were possible I'll be the one sitting next to you making sure nothing can harm you. I'd rather watch you sleep then sleep myself it that comforts you.
As you read through my posts I'd wrote down somthing about pain in my foot let me explain;
Last saterday I have torn a ligament in my right foot so that kinda hurts and makes my foot blue and purple. Some people say I have to stay home to rest but let me counter on this one is the fact that: at work my bosses are like family to me and I can't leave them in this weekend, I can't have them suffer, I'd rather sit in a wheelchair helping in the kitchen than staying at home bored and thinking how would it be over there. Anyway took some medication today and it worked out so tomorrow an 12-14hours shift it will be, just taking some more medication ;).
Sorry for the long post today but it helps settling my mind abit, there is one more thing I'd like to talk about. And that's someone else.
There is this girl I kno for a looooooong time and I bet she knows it's about her ;) Cause I know she want to know when I post. We had a lot of long nights talking and talking about stupid stuff and some tricky stuff in my heart,and she knows. The things is in some way I can settle that down and feelings are getting a place in my heart. I know that one day you'll move out again, once you got work, and I'll have to stop hearing you. And I have a feeling that this day won't be that far anymore. But I just wanne make sure that whatever happens, you can stop talking to me, we had that before for a couple of years. and one day I'll just text you again, like it was yesterday. I just want you to know that you'll have to stop texting me cause I ain't the person you have to fight for with your bf so I'd rather have you leaving me then be unhappy ;) but you know that whenever you need me you can text me. And read my blogs ;)
Anyway goodnight peeps and know that if you are up for a talk, just send me a mail and we'll find a way to talk. No mather if you black or white . Life next door or thousand of miles away. If you read this, there is always a way to communicate ;)
Today I had a long rest as the docters say I need with my foot so. Been to bed untill 11am ;)
I had a rather stable day today, bit boring in some ways. Went to Mc Donalds for food. Watched a movie played a game at my best friend's house .
Normally had to work todat but since there weren't that much reservations I could go home and rest with my foot since tomorrow will have a 7-8hour work in evening and I'd rather be in top condition. And Sunday will be close to 16h work so ;)
Anyway watched some foodball with my aunt playing around abit at here home joking to eachother and then back home started talking to an old friend. We had a very long talk which I obviously like so pretty okay today.
Thanks for those wondering about me today ;)
You know I love ya all and a goodnight from here. Lets hope on a less nightmare full night but hey I ain't a pussy, bring it on b*tches ;)
The movie gave me mixed feelings, and I suggest most people to watch it since I think there is a nice story line hidden in it. It's about girls but for me not a girl alone movie tho.
The only problem is throughout the movie I figured out what I had to figure out, and later this night I got my point aswell. The "single" movie makes it kinda clear to me that however things will run, she's not up for it, and deff not with me.
What I did catch on me this night again is the fact that she makes me smile all the time and feel good while I'm with her, but again it won't work out. And people tell me that you have to keep fighting for the girl you love and stuff like that, if it's really ment to be than it will be. But I just keep figuring out that it won't be, so I have to stop putting it in my head that it will. I lost a lot of things through keep thinking some day it will be alright, I lost a relationship with a beautiful girl, because I couldn't forget that girl. No all those years still figuring what could be else if I had kept that relationship with that girl, what if, maybe she wouldn't be in the position she was now. Maybe she would have had a better and happier life than she has now. This could have been different for the both of us now, not thinking about how it should have been and how impossible it is now.
You know I'd normally be the first to say nothing is impossible, and nothing really is but is it worth the effort is it worth the fight ?
Anyway it's time to move on and find something else in my life. While I was sitting and talking to her. I was thinking about my close future, me being around people now and so I figured I'd like to go out more now, find some friends to hang around with, go joke with. In Ghent I figured that it's not to late to party. The only problem is now I have to find a way to get in touch with people with who I can go out with. People to hang out and have fun with.
On the other hand I'm going to search people to do stuff with on the other half of the day. I'm thinking of going to side see some abandoned places here in Belgium, The netherlands Only thing is with who, and where will I find those people ;). Anyway going alone is an other option.
I just want to be more freely and try to put a smile on my face, getting hold of myself and start living more.
Today I'll try to have fun again, I'm struggling with me foot with hurted a lot this morning but, physical pain can be managed.
Want to visit work as well where I found out things are pretty harsh since again no one else is able to work, and I should come. But I'm going out for once ;) But again there I'll have difficulties since the girl I'm going out with is like somone I've always wanted to be mine. But it didn't work out, although we are still friends it keeps me thinking that things will work out someday. I've already noticed that it won't work out, so my feelings started changing but when I see her and think about her I keep thinking about the littel time we had together and how I wish it would've been.
Now we gonna watch a girl movie I guess but I don't care ;). (How to be single)
After the movie me and her will go and drink something and we'll see how my feelings will be. I just know that trying something that doesn't put effort in trying back won't workout eventually.
On the other hand there is this girl who I'm interested in but that won't work out either I think, although I'll keep trying to figure out if it will work out. I'll keep trying to have a talk to her and getting to know her since I know she has a beautiful soul and she sure has the looks as well. But she's busy most of the time.
My felings are kinda wrecked lately, but that prob because me and my ex-gf broke up about 3 months now and we would've been 2 years and 11 months now. Which is a pretty long time, but it didn't work out anyway. For those wanting to know:
Me and her were little to different, I'm like an active person who'd rather be busy and rather go away than staying home all day watching movie after movie. An other thing which was different is the fact of standing alone, since I'm a very busy working all the time, going to school, evening classes and some other courses. And she stopped school and started working, so when she came home she was tired. Which again for me is like coming home I'm still pretty active ;).
I'm not sure that were the only reasons because, we argued a lot lately, like almost everyday we saw eachother, which only was about once a week tho.
The thing is I miss having somone to return to, somone I could hug without making it strange, I'm a guy who likes to hug people around most of the time. But for most girls this seems strange I have a feeling and getting a real hug is then impossible. So while chatting with me I mostly type hug, since I would give you a hug if it was possible. I really like to be in the arms of somone of having somone in my arms. Which makes some people jealous, like my ex got jealous for me being with certain girls, not because she didn't trust me, but she didn't trust them which is mostly pretty strange since they all have a bf.
Anyway, the thing is I'm about to find out again whether I should stop chasing something or that I should keep a hold on it. I know it sounds strange but after 4-5 years of not knowing how I have to keep my feelings for her, I'm still not completly sure what to do. Shall I tell her, I won't because I'm to afraid to tell her, or shall I see that it won't work out ? We'll see and I'll keep you updated tonight.
Again for those wanting to chat me, email me something to get on to to chat with you, if it's chatting throughout mail, skype, messenger whatever you feel comfy with. I'm up for a talk 24/7
To begin I'll write most of the things in English for jsut the fact that I feel comfy with it. I'm starting this blog for trying to settle my thoughts, since that's what has to happen these days.
I'm a boy with the age of 20 who has been though some rough this, well for me they are rough, some people might have had worse this. Some people always say I've been through nothing. But for me it's been a rough road, where IK'm trying to change my path and go down the other end of it. Like somone once told me, on the end of the pit there will be a stairway to heaven. I'm a student in Belgium so my native language is dutch, but I rather feel comfy with English, although it ain't super ;).
Though my blog you'll find some more details about me and what happend to me. But I'll start off saying some clue's that might be handy.
As first I got bullied for a couple of years by a "friend" I trusted to much much. On a certain walk on hollidays in primary school, I told him about my uncle who commited suicide. Through the 2 years after he has been bullying me about saying stuff like "Go get in the coffin with your uncle", just stuff like that. Later on he figured out that wasn't a smart idea since his grandfather died and came to me saying sorry. Although his bullying didn't stop, now it just was less violant. On later years I figured it was just him being jealous about me getting along with he best friend.
In primary school I got bullied a lot but I couldn't care less now, they bullied us about being wierd, playing games on the play field. games who related to video games, fe, we started shooting eachother wit h imagenairy guns.
In october 2010 I lost my soulmate, Tessa, where I rather now don't tell more about, perhaps I will later on. I had her in my arms dieing, totally covered in blood.
I think thats it about my past for now.
These days I feeling rather bad once again. Not by bullying anymore, not about not having friends. I know I have some friends now. But I rather not complain to them all the time, just put up a fake smile and try to make the best of it. I know some of my friends want me to be happy and tell me stuff like everythig will be alright. Actually everybody says that, and I'd like to believe what they say but every little bit of happiness in my life is getting held down by me feeling worse.
Some people might know but I believe in spirits staying in this world, people not really leaving this world and staying close to those they wanne be with. You might think that is strange but through my blog posts you'll notice that I still feel Tes being with me through difficult time, like she's sitting right beside me.
Now a little More about the reason for this blog.
I'll be writing down how I feel and how I'm trying to manage my feelings, making sure to stay on this world and help people like I always try to do. On the other hand of the blog I'll post some qoutes I wrote myself and some I might find on the internet through my fight against everything. I like to write and it makes me settle down a bit, there might be some twisting things in it but that's just like me. I'd like to visite some abandoned places as well and take pictures while I'm there so I'd might share those.
For those who rather chat with me, you can always mail me and I'll reply. Together with reactions on posts I'd like to be interactive with people and might helps some people.
That's it for now, I know it's a little long and not well organised but I'll try to work to better blog posts through my posting.
