My own battle against a lot of feelings. I claim nothing and I don't care if you don't like what I write so if you'd like to be negative, you won't be more negative than what I've already been through.
28-02-2016
I'll start falling again
De titel zegt genoeg denk ik.
Hier zijn we terug men gevoelens gaan weer kwadratisch naar beneden. Men hoofd houd het niet meer vol. Waar is de drempel weer gekomen ? Door stomme mensen op school, Mensen die er voor gaan zorgen dat ik men school niet kan afwerken in 3 jaar maar et een extra semester gaat worden. Zo van die stomme mensen. En ik snap het allemaal niet meer... Ik werk 4 dagen in de week ga naar school, avond school, cursus jeugdtrainer, official scheidsrechter. Heb mee moeite tijd om te slapen en nog doe ik alles, nog moet ik men slaaptijd inkorten want anders wordt er niks gedaan. Nog moet ik gaan zoeken naar oplossingen hoe we iets kunnen oplossen want anders blijft het probleem hetzelfde.
Kijk maar terug naar dat van vrijdag, ik heb nog alles snel moeten doorsturen enzo. Nu krijgen we een mail van een leerkracht die ik vergeten in cc te plaatsen ben blijkbaar. Hierdoor hebben we dus momenteel een probleem en wie gaat dat nu volgende week gaan oplossen denkt ge ? raad maar wie het zal moeten doen ...
I just wish that I could leave this place. Ik wou dat ik naar een plaats kan gaan waar ik enkel de mensen hoef te zien die ik wil zien. Mensen zoals de personen wie ik al meerdere keren heb besproken in deze blog. Mensen zoals Tes, Mike, M. J. Zij die er doorheen de nacht wel zullen zijn voor me als ik op het randje zit. Zij die mss de mogelijk hebben om me tegen te houden van wat ik zou doen.
Soms denk ik wel van wat zou er gebeuren als ik dit of dat nu doe. Wie zou het dan weten, wie zou er naar vragen waar ik ben... Wie weet als ik nu men auto in het water rij, hoelang zou het duren voor het opgemerkt wordt dat ik weg ben? Al eerst moet er thuis opgelet worden en dat zal toch ook al een dag duren voor dat die iets weten, laat staan dat er dan niets op fb ofzo komt. Wie zou er dan na een tijd zich afvragen waar ik ben? Ik weet het antwoord daar wel op, dat zijn heel weinig mensen. Maar voor de rest zouden enkel zij die me nodig hebben het door hebben... Op de handbal wanneer zouden ze het weten, zodra ze iemand nodig hebben om te scheidsen bv. Op men werk wanneer zouden ze het merken als ik donderdag nu niet meer naar werk kom zou ze me bellen. Het zelfde voor Vrijdag, dan zouden ze al eens bellen naar huis of zien dat er iets is. Maar voor de rest op school ? Ja voor zij die zonder iets te doen willen slagen voor school, zij zouden het opmerken.
Maar tegen dat de helft het door heeft is alles al gepasseerd. Tegen dat iedereen het doorheeft ben ik weg, is men lichaam weg en wat dan? 1 week dat iemand eraan denkt en dan gedaan, een verleden tot het jaar erna? Daar gok ik op... Maar hey maakt niks uit toch, who cares, alsk weg ben ben ik weg. En hopelijk ben ik dan naar een beter plaats...
I'm sorry for those reading this and don't understand this I'm just feeling terrible and text me if you want a translation.
I left this morning at 8u30am so I'm sorry for all those little and slow blogs ;)
I just came home about 45min ago so it was a pretty long long day and didn't had time to sit down tho.
I'm tired as F* but I slept pretty well, and I guess I will aswell today but that's just a guess. I'm feeling pretty well, just only about the fact that there is this girl, who really really can make me happy and she knows it. I know she is having problems of herself and she doesn't want to admit that she can make me smile. But she has to know it. And she reads this, I know that. So for everybody else, the girl I'm talking to is a very special and kind person, which I can't lose anymore in my life. She means alot to me, although she could think otherwise. Sorry if I ever make you feel uncomfy ;)
I'm going to right some random self writen texts today since it was a very long day and didn't had any problems since i didn't have had any time to think ;).
**
Today I dropped a tear in to the ocean. This tear represents the love I feel for you. That one little tear of happiness, inside the big big ocean. And what if I told you that only when somebody finds that tear I will stop loving you.
**
You can keep fighting and things can still go wrong. You can stop trying and nothing will go on. It's just about you wanting stuff to change. It's about you, who constantly stands up and retries. You have to be the one who keeps chasing your dreams. You don't have to fight for anyone else. In the end it's only what you feel that mathers, think about that.
**
Heey you, yea you. I just wanne tell you that I care and that I'll be the one who stays by your side. I won't be the one of your future nor the one of your past. Just let me be the one who walks besides you and gives you that hand when needed.
**
Some times can be harse and I could say that I've been through some hard times. Not as hard as some other peoples but to me those were hard times. And for that I know life is hard and brings alot of difficult times with itself but know that you ain't alone. Even in the darkest places you'll be able to find someone, and if you can't find anyone, just call me and I'll be the one you'll find.
**
If you need someone to yell at, just call me and you can yell as much as you want. If you need someone to talk to, call me and I'll be listing. If you need someone to cry with, call me and I'll cry with you. Even if you need someone, but won't say anything. Call me and I'll be the one that's quite with you. Whenever you'er down I'll be there for you.
***
Heeey you who reads this I love you !! <3
and that special girl, to you I give you the most love of my heart now ;)
Today again school stuff is making me angry, since my project. Seems like I'm doing to alone or with a little help ... We are with 3 persons, 1 is doing nothing at all. Today again I had to write a lot of stuff by my own. Like the introduction had to be corrected by today, since we had some feedback wednesday and we had to correct it by this evening... It was 2pm and none of the others had done anything with it so, I did it again, they will "correct it", which means spelling corrects.
Some for the scheduling, has to be send by the same time and I'm the only guy who wrote anything in it...
Enough about school.
I'm feeling little better since I slept a little better this night and I'm able to go to work again in the evening so I'm not sitting here at home anymore. I'm busy than ;) not thinking about stupid stuff. Yesterday I did some drawing again, Makes me little better, still thinking about my tattoo but ain't got money for it so future possiblities ;).
Normally tonight I was going to eat on my work but something came between it, so I hope we can do the "date" another time. Instead I'm going to work again ;). So I'll have to finish my homework before 5pm ;).
I wish I could hug more people, cause that would make me feel better aswell. But I'm not seeing anyone lately so yea..
My head is starting to settle a bit in the cave. Not sure if I'll try to find some light now or just keep walking to the dark. Whatever will happen, it will happen for a reason.
As you noticed it's been a rough day today, lost my motorcycle key while I had to speed up getting home so I was almost to late at my appointment but I didn't eat. Just ate at 00:50 ;).
I loved the dancing show and so did I love seeing my ex again while she was happy. That's where the tricky part starts ofcourse. But I know I love her and I know she doesn't love me so I got to stop thinking everything will be alright and start looking forwards. It's not that I couldn't love anyone else but I'm still searching for that one person who brings a brighter smile to my face.
I'm not sure how sleeping will end tonight but since I overslept myself this morning I'm putting up my stereosystem as alarmclock just to be sure ;). Although I'd rather have someone next to me, than I'll be able to get out of my bed easly.
It's the middle of the day now and you'll see why I'm writing this. I'm at school and totally not hungry, I'm kinda upset about school lately. I'm getting lost in every little piece of life. Yesterday I started writing on my arm again. That's something I was used to do in secundairy school. It's like messages I can't tell anyone but I have to right them down. Sometimes it makes me feel better other times it's just a reminder of how I feel. I'm not sure what to do but I feel bad at school. As I said before I'm starting to lose my face in school aswell, the fake smiles are gone.
I'm in a library now writing this not knowing what else to do. I'll be in the library later today propably because I'm having a spring hour between lessons. No one knows I'm here so I'm alone, which comforts me a bit. People here don't expect me to smile, people won't wonder what is going on.
I'm just, I dunno, lost I guess and I'll need to find track again. I'm trying to work for school, trying to comfort me in that way. I slept real bad and I was almost tolate for school. But no one wonders. I'm feeling terrible, fysicaly tired as those people say I have to talk to.
I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way, I bet someone does. I'm just looking for an out way, looking to end these ways of living.
This evening there is a dance show of my ex gf I'm going to so it will propably a little late again tonight but I'll manage since if I go to bed it won't mather, cause falling asleep and staying asleep isn't that easy again.
I'm just like the months after Tess died, I'm almost feeling the same. Nothing to do about it but wait I guess.
Today was one of the worse days since a long time.
Today I started crying on a the middle of the day on school and in the car. I can't hold my smile up anymore, my face smiles are done. People getting on my nervs; There is this guy which thinks everything is simple, fe. Frence is simple blabla, some today we had to study for English aswell and he was like you didn't study and you won't make it and stuff like that. But he is in my project group and I'm like he didn't do a little thing for project yet. J. en me are looking for everything, making a schedule, making the introduction, looking up stuff. In the afternoon we scheduled a meeting to test some motors to see what we could do with some old stuff I had and he was like what are we doing here ? He was just sitting there and stuff while I was trying to make the schedule.
Last week he made me snap by not doing anything. Now he totally made me snap so I just left from my project meeting.
I'm not sure what to do anymore, I'm not finding any light spot anymore, everything looks dark.
It's hard to think clearly, and I'm sorry but I can't explain it today but it ain't going well and I hope tomorrow will be better.
Today I'll get some sleeping pills to sleep, which I already took and lets see if I can get some sleep ;)
You were the person which I talked to for hours, I was there when you were feeling bad. You know that I am feeling bad, I know you know but where are you now ?
