My own battle against a lot of feelings. I claim nothing and I don't care if you don't like what I write so if you'd like to be negative, you won't be more negative than what I've already been through.
06-03-2016
Longer break
Heey peeps,
I'm sorry for the longer break and I know some of you wonder why, but I'll explain.
It's just I'm trying to escape from reality, run away from the present. I'm not feeling well and on the other side I'm getting better.
As some of you know I just joined a motorcycle club so I'm very happy about that but I'm just wondering all the time, those guys take me as I am now and don't know my past. Those guys look like familie even tho I only know them for this little time. I'm wondering if that has anything to do with me or is that to everyone tho. I'm wondering If i told them my past what would they say.
I'm just trying to run away actualy. Today I drove about 300km with the guys, some package delivery etc ;) I'm not sure what to do tho I wanne leave and stay on my bike. Driving and keep driving. I wish that was possible. I have no idea from my feelings anymore as well, What do I feel? I feel attracted to a person while I'm sure things won't every be possible. I'm not sure what to do sometimes.
Some of you may know that I have problems sleeping, but almost nobody knows why and I'll explain:
I'm having problems with nightmares, 2 kinda of nightmares but both involving friends and loved ones. Not the worst one is the fact that in my dreams people leave me, friends leave me. We start having arguments and settle down and then argue again etc etc. And a surtain time those people leave me, and I'll be standing here alone. The worst kind of nightmare is the fact that I see people dieing infront of me; I see people just laying in my arms like Tessa did. I'm jsut so afraid because some things look so real and it's hard to see what's real and what's not.
I just want people to know that it's not your fault that I stopped texting and posting blogs but I'm just lost in some ways and I'm trying to find a place to hook myself on, just for the moment so I could rest a bit. Just that little bit of rest would do me great tho
I'm feeling bad because everything I wanne achieve not getting done.
I'm not sure how to put it, but I'll try a bit.
There are different things of school which I wanne achieve but can't do it alone. Everything seems 100 times harder when I'm looking at it like I'm doing now. I wanne achieve what them teachers want from me, but I'm not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I'm as capable of doing the things the teachers ask me to do.
I'm trying to make apointments with people and the only thing I learn is that I get left alone at those apointments. School, friends, work everything. I'm not sure if it's even worth trying all the time. Putting effort in those people, maybe I shouldn't.
People say I'm thinking to much, I should stop thinking that much. But I'm not sure how, is there an off button on your head? Can anyone tell me?!
Every night again and again, I'm trying to sleep but I'm getting nightmare. Every night again 2 or 3 times. Everynight I scream myself awake and If I'd close my eyes everything is still there. Everynight I see people disapearing in my eyes. I see people dieing, people leaving. Sometimes I'm not sure what reality is or what isn't.
I'm drawing again, perhaps a tattoo if I'd had the money for it. If I'd get a tattoo it will be a bird flying to sky. A Beautiful animal which can escape reality, and see everthing from above. They can enjoy both sides, walking and flying. Singing happily with all those other birds, way up high in the trees.
I don't know what to wright anymore sorry peeps, I'll try tomorrow again xs
