My own battle against a lot of feelings. I claim nothing and I don't care if you don't like what I write so if you'd like to be negative, you won't be more negative than what I've already been through.
21-02-2016
Liedjes
Liedjes die me door heen heel de nacht leiden (Sommige met wat uitleg);
Vandaag zal het even in het nederlands te doen zijn.
Gisteren was de marine dag, zoals sommige zullen weten ben ik ook opt nieuws geweest. Zelf vond ik het een prachtige dag maar met veeeeel vragen. Graag zou ik naar de marine gaan achter men school. Graag zou ik weg gaan van alles, maar stel nu dat ik iemand vind. Zal die persoon wachten op mij? Is het mogelijk dat ik die persoon dan verlies? Het zelfde geld voor vrienden, wat er toch nog van overschiet. Langs de andere kant is het positief dat ik niet moet omkijken naar iemand dan, kan me ten volle geven op missies, who cares? Soms weet ik het allemaal niet meer.
Heb ondanks de ouderdom van de schepen echter veel gezien dat me wel degelijk aanstond, leven op een schip, de wereld zien van de andere kant dan van de kust?! Zoveel dromen, maar wat zal het worden Zo veel vragen, die ongesteld zullen blijven.
Achja nog 1 jaar een half minimum om men studies af te werken, ze hebben me aangeraden om niet op 1 paard te wedden en als ik de kans krijg ook men master te voltooien.
Zelf hoop ik het toch ooit mee te maken, kan je het u voorstellen je zit op schip geen luchtvervuiling van verlichting. Alle sterren kunnen zien. Dan zal ik Tessa wel zien daarboven. Al zal het lastig worden om ze te vinden ;).
Vandaag en gisteren redelijk wat gewerkt en niet geslapen, vannacht wakker geworden en 45min wakker gezeten zonder in slaap te kunnen vallen. Nu me voelen wegdraaien terwijl ik iets aant lezen was, hmm perhaps best om in men bedje te kruipen seffes aangezien morgen vroeg terug op school moet zijn. Met men voet is echter alles goed, lopen kan ik niet doen en ook op schip me enkele keren mis stapt maar cva alles goed ermee.
Zelf ben ik momenteel aant zoeken om op erasmus te gaan, zou graag naar zweden gaan maar nog nooit iemand van elektronica naar daar geweest dus raden ze me dat af, aangezien ik dan zelf alles ga moeten zoeken en deftige akkoorden sluiten enzo. Maar zo ga ik mss met iemand die ik kan vertrouwen naar Barcelona gaan, wie weet kunnen we dat wel flikken.
Zelf zou ik het prachtig vinden om naar Barcelona te gaan, weg van hier in Belgie, weg van alle bekende nonsens dat je hebt... Al ga ik bepaalde mensen missen maar hey, niemand spreekt toch af met mij, so nobody cares...
De poging om foto's te gaan trekken is er nog niet van gekomen, geen tijd en geen kracht. Zoveel zin maar dan moet het nog lukken ook. Ben het gewoon beu om hier hele dagen alleen te zijn, niemand meer te hebben om op terug te vallen. Voel me gewoon zo slecht als ik mensen moet storen, iedereen heeft wel iets beter te doen dan naar mij te luisteren tho.. Al heb ik geen idee waarom ik blijf mensen sturen. Waarom ik gewoon niet stop mee naar mensen te sturen en wacht tot zij iets doen. Maar daar ken ik men eigen dan weer in. Mensen zijn zo schijnheilig ...
Grrr, kon ik nu eens gewoon even verdwijnen en kijken hoe mensen reageren, zouden er dan nog veel mensen denken aan me achter een week, hoeveel mensen zouden me zoeken? Wie zou het zelf merken?
Ben ik de enige die hier over denkt? Ben ik raar? Heb ik problemen? Geen idee, zelf zou ik men eigen begrafenis willen regelen, zelf muziek kiezen zelf kiezen wat er gebeurt met de uitnodigingen... Een automatisch berichtje sturen naar mensen als ze me eindelijk nog eens sturen.. Niet van publiceren. Sommige mensen zouden het zelf niet eens weten dat ik weg ben. Stel nu ik stop mee social media.. Hoeveel mensen zouden er zich dan afvragen of ik nog leef? Hoeveel mensen zouden dan nog zo iets hebben van, he laten we eens zien hoe het met Mike is? Momenteel voel ik me als eenigste die altijd iedereen stuurt om een gesprek te beginnen? Is dit misschien mijn probleem bij ik te aanhankelijk aan iedereen, stuur ik mensen te veel? Verwacht ik teveel van mensen? Zoveel vragen over men eigen, en alleen ik kan ze ondervinden... Al hoopte ik dat iemand me begreep xs
Today I had a free day , which means do a lot of stuff for school normally ;). I did some stuff but definitely not a lot ;) For my school project I've gone grabbing some broken remote cars, where I'd get the motors from you use for my robot. On the moment I alreeady ordered some stuff of our robot, this is because I wanne speed up and win the competition ;).
After getting the cars, i had to see my ex gf, which was pretty akward seeing her. We didn't really know what to say to eachother or stuff but there was still something of me in her home so yeah..
After all that I stopped at work to see if I should go to work today but there werer no reservations. But the brother of my cheff is there so while talking we managed to make an appointment to go drive my motorcycle and me chefs motorcycle later this day. So a little after noon we started driving and when to the netherlands. Where we stopped at carzand ( a beach ) because I was curious how it look there. After that short stop we went to Sluis to go drike a coffee. Back home we drove about 150km today so nice ride which settles my mind.
Where I get to the point I want to thank some people for always trying to stick around and I know I'm a shitass so I'm sorry that you have to deal with me xs. But know that I love you and I always will, doesn't mather how far you are nor how close you are. Doesn't mather if I hear you every single minute of the day or only once a week or over longer. Know that in the end you'll always be there.
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You are locked in a place, and you are wondering where you are. In a big room you then see a display, on the display there is standing: "Please enter the password to open this gate." and you start thinking what happend? You start looking for a clue. After hours you havn't found anything but a strange beating noise. So you wanne start trying some codes. The first you enter * * * *. *Beeep* That password was incorrect, you have 2 more try's. You start searching again for a clue. nothing can be found but the number 1. SO you try * * * *. *Beeep* Incorrect, you have one more try. Desperately you try another code with 1'. * * * * . *Beep**Beep* and this gets spoken to you. You are now locked forever and can't get out anymore. Welcome to My heart, you'll be in the number 1 spot forever my dear!
**
Tomorrow I'm going to the navy, seeing some ships and talking to some military personal to see wether I am going to the navy or I'm not. Wish me luck ;)
Through everything I have been throught I've already experienced this before.
On many occasions people disapoint you and make you feel bad. Even thou I right this blog people still give commenting stuff about it. People are just grr I wish I could leave here ...
The problem is things never get better, not on school there is always something, with colse friends there is always something, even in games while playing online some people get on your nerves every bloody time.
Trying to find a way out of this shit but it won't be anything clean...
Lets start with the night agian. I went to bed pretty quick last night (1.30am) and slept pretty well until 8am. Then Tessa woke me up, she said she wanted to talk to me about important stuff so I sat down and listened. She started explaining stuff she had done on her first schoolday after the holidays. She seemed so happy but didn't had time to talk to me yesterday she said. While talking we started thinking about what we did together and how every moment we are together nothing else mathers, it's just having fun.
Then I started remembering stuff again like our drawing, me helping her with her hair and stuff like that since she mostly didn't know how she was supposed to look she asked me all the time. Perhaps not such a good idea but Heeey lets get crazy ;).
It also reminded me of the time we spent camping in the wood and in her garden. The songs and stories we made while sitting at a campfire. She was a great singer and was great ay playing the guitar.
After our hour of talking I fell asleep again, this time my mom had to wake me up because I had to leave for school.
At school I felt bad again since I remember Tessa her talking in my head and I wasn't sure what to do. Am I getting worse, is this something bad ? Oh dear, but as soon as I had people to talk to things got clearing away and I could focus on the talking with them on school. The first lesson is something I really like it's VHDL but the second was such a boring lesson .. After the lesson I had to drive home quickly cause I had to be in Ghent again in about 2 hours, so with some traffic I got home in about 40min, eat, grabbed some stuff and left again with my motorcycle. Oh man i feel so alive while driving my girl ;).
In Ghent again we had to go to the university to listen to some stuff about our robot competition, so we were talking about cool stuff. After it I went to a friends home with some fries and we eat them there and started searching some stuff on the internet about the robots we had to make.
While driving home again I started thinking about how it would have been if Tessa was still around and how she would be able to help we not feeling down every little time alone. Well there wouldn't be a reason to be sad about. Tessa was the one texting me instead of me having to text all me friends now. Kinda makes me feel like a stalker xs.
Going to bed early I think cause I feel bad, but found a way to get sleeping with some raining noise in the background and with me uncles teddy dog with me.
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Adding
The fact of being alone makes me sad as well, cause if you walk around everywhere I look I see people being happy together. Watch it at school, in shops, even while driving I start looking at it xs. I know there is this girl who said to me, I don't have to rush anything cause that is a bad idea to do. But After a long relationship being alone is something grrr. I just want someone to hold and have next to me. Someone to be myself with. I don't need someone for sex or anything just someone to hug, someone to love xs
Today was the first day of school again and seemed like a good start ;) Although it's going to be a pain in the *** again this semester since I'd hate seeing some people ;). On the other hand this semester is only electronics anymore so some interesting stuff ;).
Yesterday was valentines day and I was to tired to write after a 13hour day so I left it for today. Good thing about it was I was working in the kitchen and so I didn't have to see all those couples in love ;).
Although I didn't have much sleep last night, I didn't had any nightmares either, so for the 4.5hours I slept I slept well. Tonight is going to be something different since I should be able to sleep about 8 hours again.
But once again I'll be laying awake thinking about Tessa. On the first year I knew Tessa we went to the cinema together for valentine just bacause the both of us didn't have a relationship so, why than not go together. But it makes me remind of her ofcourse, she was so happy back then, We had a whole day together and we had Mc Donalds, walked in some shops in Ghent and sat down in the park at the Zuid, just enjoying the fact of being happy as we were. That is who she was with me, everytime she saw me she smiled and we had a great time, but when I left reality striked again and the bulling started again.
Even on this they some people remind me of her, not in total but parts of them remind me of her. For example how she laughed, how she kept wondering around while we were talking, moving just like me. That's where I find my joy in other peoples.
Although there is this girl who makes me feel better when I see her, kinda makes me a little happy aswell. But than again it isn't easy for me to talk to her. Since I have no idea how to keep a conversation without me akwardness.
Anyway I miss the fact of somebody to hug and to lay next to, somebody to watch a movie with and take a walk and I could see that girl in my dreams. How I fancy hugging her, having a walk in the park and stuff but I'm pretty sure I won't mather, and it will stay a dream :(
Anyway peeps Thanks for reading again and See you next time ;)
For those knowing my pain, I'm trying to open myself to type what I feel but it makes me wanne cry to much so I write it in big lines. I'll learn how to describe it.
