September is the month of heartache it seems.
But that's okay. I can deal with this. This too shall pass.
I'm looking for closure though and I notice, I want to rush things. Get it over with.
Perhaps because it's been going on for so long.
We've been on and off the past few years, but never stopped loving each other. Just stopped being able to tolerate each other.
And now is one of those times again.
Only difference, I don't see us getting back together again.

There's only so much a person can handle, and then everything changes for good.

We're not fighting. But we're not really talking either.
And we're not exactly nice to each other either. A somewhere in between stage.
I don't know if we will still get along in a few weeks time.
I haven't got a clue.

Patience is a virtue, I know. But I'd really like to get some things sorted out.
Just so I know how to get on with my life and how to organise everything for me and my child.

Now I have to take care of myself. Allow myself to grief, but at the same time, make sure I'm not heading towards a major catastrophe I will no longer be able to handle.
Food and rest are so important now.
But I'd like to curl up, crawl in bed and cry and be pathetic for a while.


Just recently I have still been defending my relationship.
Off course I saw what others meant when they discribed all our obstacles, but surely, true love can overcome everything, right?
If only I'd try hard enough, things would turn out just fine and my man would be so happy and willing to live life right next to us, with us, for us.
But I was so wrong.
The obstacles couldn't have been overcome.
They could have been ignored, surely. But what good is a miserable life to everyone involved?
How would that make anyone a better person and add to their life?
It wouldn't have.
It would have destroyed everyone involved.

I still can't think straight.
I'm trying to get a hold on all of this.
The thing is, I don't feel as far as sad as I think I would when my relationship would finally get to an end.
I feel relieved.
I feel motivated to deal with all the other obstacles in life on my own. I feel a will to make my own life better, so I can be a better mom, better friend, better daughter, better pet owner, become more creative, fullfill my dreams, create a present and near-future I can be proud of.
I feel like I will be able to breathe soon.
I guess I never realised how suffocating it really was and how it was slowing everything else down.

For the first time in a long time, I'm even looking forward to my birthday and I'm willing to make it a good one for myself.

So far, I'm not panicking yet because I have to do things on my own, all on my own, since a long time. Before, when we'd split up, it was never really 'over'. And we kept close contact.
Now I can feel how there's a cold distance between us. A misunderstanding neither one is willing to talk about, to clarify, because we know the other won't be able to grasp it. Because we know we've both got a different perspective, different wishes in life, different things that make us happy and they don't go well together.
It's useless to even try to explain to the other.
All we can say is: I love(d) you, I care(d) for you, I like(d) you, but now it's over and I wish you the best of luck in your future life; you'll always have a piece of my heart, but now all we'll have to hold on to, is the memory of how things once were and where we thought we were heading.

I'm not angry at him, not at myself. I don't know what makes me so angry about this.
I know I'm angry.
And sad.
If I say I love someone, I really do mean so. I'm such a hopeless romantic, love can consume me.
And I let it.
I loved it.
I held on to it.
It was a good way to get away from the responsibility to my own happiness and self-love, which a person with low self-esteem likes off course. I was responsible for his happiness and he was for mine. So when I felt miserable, it was his fault and vice versa.
Now I'm on my own. And I have to make sure I'm doing fine, because when I fall apart, I cannot be a mom. Been there, done that, almost ended in disaster.
I'm much stronger now.
The mirror reflects my face and for once, I'm not hating myself.
I'm proud of how far I've come, even when no one else is. I know what battles I've had and which I still have and how I'm coping with them.
I can pass on this strength to my child and he is so much happier now too.

My ex-partner was like a father to him.
Though the past year, he withdrew himself and my son felt like he was missing out.
Off course a break-up also means my child will have to breake up with that person.
To my surprise, he doesn't feel bad about it all. There were once different times. But even my son knows, this can't go on much longer. We were missing out on a lot of things and we were getting hurt often.
Love is worth a lot, very true.
But not worth your own life falling apart, losing yourself over it, in the end having to look back at your life and only have this to say: if only, if only it were so...
No, when the heartache is over, this should call for a little celebration. Not because he was a prick, but because I found the strength to actually move forward in life, to give myself the present of joy and happiness and trust on my own.
And still have love left in my heart to share with others around me.

When the heartache is over, I can give myself a pat on the shoulder: I did it! I broke free from something that was destroying me, when I still had so much more to give.
And I didn't allow the situation to let my heart become all dark and black and cold.
No, I'm still open-minded. Can't see myself jumping into an intense relationship any time soon, but there's no rush anyway.

The first relationship I have to be really involved with right now, is a good one with myself, my heart and my soul.
Let the healing begin!!

Let me find out who I really am, independent, alone, but not lonely, fragile, but not weak, grieving, but not depressed.
I can do this.

I will enjoy this life.
Because it's the only life I've got and because I can!! I owe it to myself, to my son, to the people who stood by me, who helped me through the worst of my life.
I have to show that I can make my life the best of it.
Courage. There is still some left in me.
I must, I want to.

My beautiful son, I owe it to him.
Just to be the best of me.