I write a lot about my recent breake-up.
Simply, because that's the least disturbing thing on my mind and the one thing I can get a grip on and is easy to digest.

Yes, I've got bigger troubles on my mind.

For instance, I'm constantly worried about my child. With good reason. He's a bit weird, he's a bully and we've got childcare constantly watching us.
There's a long story about it though. It's not plain and simple and not easy to tell how all of this came about.
I do love my son, don't get me wrong.
That's why I went through all the trouble I've been through. And would do again without a doubt.
But I'm so tired, exhausted and sometimes, really puzzled as how to make all of it work and just get some sort of normal life.
Just me and my child and make him happy.
I will one day write about it, I need to get off my chest off course, perhaps that would be a huge relief.

I'm also constantly thinking about the betrayel of people around me.
All kinds of people.
People I thought were friends, but are up to no good.
People I pay to do a job, but in the end, seem to be just assholes and want to take away your money, without actually doing their job.
People from bureaus like childcare, or even psychologists, or worse, a doctor!
Social care isn't all that good either.
Perhaps some do well with their help, but I haven't got a clue how to make sure to get the help I'm legally entitled to getting.

Off course I think about animal cruelty a lot too. It's a big concern for me.
And it's got my mind spinning as in how to make a change, a big change.
But it seems that me, on my own, can't do much, other then being vegan and try to take care of the animals around me (pets and wild animals).
Volunteering in shelters seems pointless. Often, they don't even want the help. So much jealousy and weird shit going on there (why?? aren't we all striving for the same thing?).

Another big concern, is our world in general and the societies we live in.
I just don't seem to understand how it all works, or better, why it works the way it does, what makes people the way they are.
Governments... Oh my...
Normal people constantly back stabbing each other (where's the love?).
Big bussiness coöperations and how it's all about the money and doing well on the misery of others.
What makes people such afwull persons?

My health is a big concern too.
I can't seem to grasp that my life is so fragile and at the same time, I seem to be a very strong person.
Quite contractive.
Sometimes I think I'm at peace with my dissabilites and other times, I just freak out, cry my eyes out and feel so helpless. The obvious 'why' questions come to mind then!

Aside my physical dissabilites, I'm fighting with my mental dissabilities too.
Sounds bad, but I'm talking about panick disorder, anxiety, depression that every now and then lurks around the corner, trying to find a way in to make my life all dark and grey and pointless again.
But I won't let it!
I try to deal with anxiety, with the help of medicine though.
But to this day, I haven't got a clue how to keep out depression and I'm anxious (yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds!) that it will strike me again.
I don't want to go through that hell again. Fought so hard to get where I am today.
And I've been happy since I had my surgery last year. Sort of, got my off-days too.

I'm certainly worried about my own family and my household.
And how to keep it all working. The struggle is real and sometimes extremely exhausting.

Other then that, I lately think about myself, a bit too much for my own good though.
Things like: why would anybody like me?
I'm not attractive on the outside, skinny as a skeleton, bad teeth, dark circles around my eyes (lack of proper sleep and kidney problems), saggy boobs, the whole thing, everything that makes a woman unattractive.
My character is very complicated too and there's so much I cannot stand from other people.
I passed the age of 30 and since then I do wonder, would I ever find someone compatible to live my life with or will I have to spend the rest of my life on my own?
There was once a day I never minded to be all on my own and never feared growing old on my own.
But since the relationship I had, I found that it's really nice to have someone around and I can get used to that very much.
I love someone to be around, share my life with, be happy with, fall asleep with.
I guess I'm not so special thinking about that off course.

Lately I lie awake of what other people think of me too.
So silly though, for why I should I care? It's my life!
But for example, I didn't participate in djembé lessons, because last 10 sessions I had a lot of bad commentaries from one person.
Telling me I'm the one disturbing the class, I shouldn't play so I can be heard (so I had to 'stroke' the djembé and not make a sound), I'm the one who can't keep rythm and so on.
It got to me.
The way it was told.
I don't mind I don't have rythm like everyone else, but I follow a class to be taught how to do so.
Being blamed by the teacher every class is a mess, because I participate, is kinda devestating for one's self esteem. So I didn't want to participate again.
Though now another teacher wants me to join in again, telling me I did really well.
Very contradictive.
How can I do well and be the one who disturbs the lessons at the same time?

I honestly haven't touched an instrument since those lessons, truely believing I suck at it big time and I shouldn't be near one.
My practise drum kit hasn't been out of the garage, haven't touch my djembé or any other instrument for that matter.
Just sang a long with some music, but preferably when no one else hears (I don't have such a beautiful voice, smoking fucked that up big time and fear in my young ages, made sure I never got to practise on how I should sound).

I let those things come to my heart and stand in the way of my own happiness.

There's a lot on my mind.
Sometimes so much, that it numbs me.
And then it's easy to just write about the relationship that ended. Because that's some thing much easier to talk about. It's not complicated why we broke up and why it didn't work out and how we are still getting a long, but without the romance etc.

I must try to breake up my thoughts in to smaller pieces, try to think about one thing at the time and write it down, get it off my chest.

Who knows, I might find the courage and clarity to write about the loss of my pets. Or the anger and sadness of the past years, how everything lead to this point in my life.
Perhaps I can write about the shame of being homeless. Or the day I realised I would never be able to have a normal job again.
Maybe even my passions for minerals and gems and making my own jewelry (I am a creative mind and love being creative, I lose myself in it, and find myself in it, it's what keeps me going).
Perhaps one day I can tell the story of my past marriage and the nasty divorce and how it fucked me up big time and how I let it, because I had no faith whatsoever in myself.
Who knows, I might even write about a secret love I've got. There's this one person that makes my heart beat faster and I was forbidden to have contact with, because I was so in love (okay, I still like that person, but I'm realistic, nothing will ever happen, most likely).

Now I'll try to go on with my day.
So many things still need to be done and need to be taken care off.
Hope today I will find the courage and the energy to do so.

Hope everyone else will have a beautifull day and enjoy Fall coming around.
Love this time of year!
And soon, winter again, when I start to blossom and feel all warm inside.

Make your day matter and enjoy it!

X

There's so much I'd like to say to some people.

But I don't.
I can't.
I won't.

There will be too much fuss if I do.
And I don't even know if I'm right or wrong.
I only know what I feel and what I've been through and I know that right now, my vision is blurred.

I've got to make priorities.
Haven't got a clue who is really worth my time.
But most important, I'm a really bad judge right now as to who I can trust.

So I'm quiet a lot.
At least, if it's about personal things.
I can speak up about my personal opinion on general matters.
And I don't mind admitting I'm wrong and misinformed.
But I don't want to talk about myself, my personal life, right now.

People hurt others way too often.

Just the other day, I allowed someone back into my life, back into my heart.
But for some reason, I can't seem to just shut up and not allow this person to hurt me.
I think everything's alright and we talk. And then I noticed a lot of mockery, a lot of negative thoughts about me.
And I wonder. Why do I do this to myself?
Is this really a friendship?
Even if I tell the person: I'm upset about this. It would not stop.
So... I stop talking.
I made it very clear, if you don't like me the way I am and if I'm too exhausting, too whatever, there's always a possibility to not get involved with me.
Are we not both adults?
Do you really have to put in some efforts, only so you can later on blame me for your own misery?
What do you expect of me?
If you want honesty, you're at the right adress, but if you want me to shit rainbows, I'm sorry, I cannot do this crap.
Life's what it is, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

I'm willing to take in the good and the bad of everyone I like. They can talk to me about everything. I don't mind and I don't feel as if they are asking me to fix their lives or problems.
I'm okay with just being there, letting them talk and not actually fix something.

Surely no one expects of the other to come and fix everything in their life the moment something is broken?
Is it really that bad to say anything at all?
If I mention to you that my tv is broken, to you feel obligated to come over and fix it, just because I mentioned it? Or do you feel obligated to give the best advice ever?

If you are, you're wrong.
You can just say: ah sucks man.. Hope you'll get it fixed.
No offense taken.
I can actually get things fixed on my own.
No matter if it's a material problem or a problem related to my heart or wealth.

I don't need people accusing me of being a burden to their life. If that's how you feel: take a walk...
Do let the door hit you on the way out, I need some laughter in my life too every now and then.

But okay, in reality, I don't think I'm that cruel. I don't stop at second chances, you get many more.
And I'm compassionate.

But there's no way I'm going to invest more time and energy into people that would never invest anything in me.
And on top of that, don't feel too good about me to begin with.
That's okay, you know, you don't have to like everyone in the world.

I just rather put my energy into people that feel good about me being around them.
And hopefully, later on, won't blame me for whatever is going wrong in their life (I'm not the master of your life!).

Made me feel so bad, hearing the rants about me, I lost sleep over it.
Ah yes, I allowed that to happen again. So silly of me.
Now I'll have to try and not let this happen again!

September is the month of heartache it seems.
But that's okay. I can deal with this. This too shall pass.
I'm looking for closure though and I notice, I want to rush things. Get it over with.
Perhaps because it's been going on for so long.
We've been on and off the past few years, but never stopped loving each other. Just stopped being able to tolerate each other.
And now is one of those times again.
Only difference, I don't see us getting back together again.

There's only so much a person can handle, and then everything changes for good.

We're not fighting. But we're not really talking either.
And we're not exactly nice to each other either. A somewhere in between stage.
I don't know if we will still get along in a few weeks time.
I haven't got a clue.

Patience is a virtue, I know. But I'd really like to get some things sorted out.
Just so I know how to get on with my life and how to organise everything for me and my child.

Now I have to take care of myself. Allow myself to grief, but at the same time, make sure I'm not heading towards a major catastrophe I will no longer be able to handle.
Food and rest are so important now.
But I'd like to curl up, crawl in bed and cry and be pathetic for a while.


Just recently I have still been defending my relationship.
Off course I saw what others meant when they discribed all our obstacles, but surely, true love can overcome everything, right?
If only I'd try hard enough, things would turn out just fine and my man would be so happy and willing to live life right next to us, with us, for us.
But I was so wrong.
The obstacles couldn't have been overcome.
They could have been ignored, surely. But what good is a miserable life to everyone involved?
How would that make anyone a better person and add to their life?
It wouldn't have.
It would have destroyed everyone involved.

I still can't think straight.
I'm trying to get a hold on all of this.
The thing is, I don't feel as far as sad as I think I would when my relationship would finally get to an end.
I feel relieved.
I feel motivated to deal with all the other obstacles in life on my own. I feel a will to make my own life better, so I can be a better mom, better friend, better daughter, better pet owner, become more creative, fullfill my dreams, create a present and near-future I can be proud of.
I feel like I will be able to breathe soon.
I guess I never realised how suffocating it really was and how it was slowing everything else down.

For the first time in a long time, I'm even looking forward to my birthday and I'm willing to make it a good one for myself.

So far, I'm not panicking yet because I have to do things on my own, all on my own, since a long time. Before, when we'd split up, it was never really 'over'. And we kept close contact.
Now I can feel how there's a cold distance between us. A misunderstanding neither one is willing to talk about, to clarify, because we know the other won't be able to grasp it. Because we know we've both got a different perspective, different wishes in life, different things that make us happy and they don't go well together.
It's useless to even try to explain to the other.
All we can say is: I love(d) you, I care(d) for you, I like(d) you, but now it's over and I wish you the best of luck in your future life; you'll always have a piece of my heart, but now all we'll have to hold on to, is the memory of how things once were and where we thought we were heading.

I'm not angry at him, not at myself. I don't know what makes me so angry about this.
I know I'm angry.
And sad.
If I say I love someone, I really do mean so. I'm such a hopeless romantic, love can consume me.
And I let it.
I loved it.
I held on to it.
It was a good way to get away from the responsibility to my own happiness and self-love, which a person with low self-esteem likes off course. I was responsible for his happiness and he was for mine. So when I felt miserable, it was his fault and vice versa.
Now I'm on my own. And I have to make sure I'm doing fine, because when I fall apart, I cannot be a mom. Been there, done that, almost ended in disaster.
I'm much stronger now.
The mirror reflects my face and for once, I'm not hating myself.
I'm proud of how far I've come, even when no one else is. I know what battles I've had and which I still have and how I'm coping with them.
I can pass on this strength to my child and he is so much happier now too.

My ex-partner was like a father to him.
Though the past year, he withdrew himself and my son felt like he was missing out.
Off course a break-up also means my child will have to breake up with that person.
To my surprise, he doesn't feel bad about it all. There were once different times. But even my son knows, this can't go on much longer. We were missing out on a lot of things and we were getting hurt often.
Love is worth a lot, very true.
But not worth your own life falling apart, losing yourself over it, in the end having to look back at your life and only have this to say: if only, if only it were so...
No, when the heartache is over, this should call for a little celebration. Not because he was a prick, but because I found the strength to actually move forward in life, to give myself the present of joy and happiness and trust on my own.
And still have love left in my heart to share with others around me.

When the heartache is over, I can give myself a pat on the shoulder: I did it! I broke free from something that was destroying me, when I still had so much more to give.
And I didn't allow the situation to let my heart become all dark and black and cold.
No, I'm still open-minded. Can't see myself jumping into an intense relationship any time soon, but there's no rush anyway.

The first relationship I have to be really involved with right now, is a good one with myself, my heart and my soul.
Let the healing begin!!

Let me find out who I really am, independent, alone, but not lonely, fragile, but not weak, grieving, but not depressed.
I can do this.

I will enjoy this life.
Because it's the only life I've got and because I can!! I owe it to myself, to my son, to the people who stood by me, who helped me through the worst of my life.
I have to show that I can make my life the best of it.
Courage. There is still some left in me.
I must, I want to.

My beautiful son, I owe it to him.
Just to be the best of me.

Ponderings of the latest weeks.

A lot of things have happenned.
As always I guess. In my life, it's never really quiet, unless I'm extremely ill and lie on the sofa or bed all day long.
But, even those days are over, at least, the ever-lasting days of not being able to move.

I'm glad summer is over.
It sure was an eye opener.
I removed some so-called friends from my life. I still don't know why they wanted to 'use' me. I mean, of what value can I be?
Those so-called friends were 'spiritual' people. But all they really did, was dragging me down in their mess, a lot of gossiping, manipulating etc. How is that spiritual?
And don't forget the jealousy and hatred towards each other!
It took me a while, but after the so maniest lies I caught a few people on, I just called it quits.
Just push that 'remove friend' button and no longer ask any questions. It's not like I'm gonna get the answers I really want anyway.
That chapter is closed.

Not spirituality on its own off course. One doesn't just stop being spiritual.
I don't feel the need to practise on it though.
Why would I want to read tarot cards, use my pendulums daily, try to get in contact with whatever god or angel? Nah...
And I certainnly don't feel for connecting with spirits.
Most spiritual working people do so, for helping other people.
But... The thing is, I don't really like people, not all people off course, but most of them.
So why would I want to try something that would me putting myself available for all kinds of people all day and night long, trying to lend them a hand, when in fact, I'd be the one being stabbed in the back.
As if there are really so many greatfull people out there? Hell no.

I tried to join a coven just before summer too.
It was a very pleasant meeting.
But aparantly one of the members, someone I used to be friends with, found I wasn't putting in enough effort.
Because I'm not able to drive my car for about an hour or so, and then join a meeting that lasts a few hours and then being able to drive home safely. I still cannot do that on a regular basis.
I told her so, I wouldn't be able to attend every week, most likely not even every month.
For one or another reason, she got offended by that.
Started giving me a hard time.
I called the high priestess to apologise I wasn't present at a certain event. I lost the adress and realised too late (typical me), I tried to call and I've sent a text message, but preps were already going on, so she missed my calls off course.
But, she didn't find it a problem.
She said I was welcome whenever I wanted. But I told her about that 'friend' and it didn't make me feel good knowing I'd join a meeting where there's at least one person that started hating me over something extremely petty.
Thankfully she understood that.
That chapter's done and over with too.
I'm still invited to join in whenever I want, apparantly some did enjoy my presence, but ... I mean... No, such a long drive, so much energy to put into it, just to be told off later on? Nope. Just a big nope. I'd rather spend my time in different ways.

My relationship took a turn for the worst this summer.
I haven't told a lot of people about it.
Simply because I'm ashamed that the same thing has happened again. It's nothing new.
But you know, if you love someone and care for them, you try to make it work.
Seems like I'm the only one who wanted it to work.
I let him knows on several occations it wasn't going well and I wasn't feeling good at all about the way he was treating us. Not at all!
But, he just walked away, again.
So, I told him to stay away, unless he really wanted to work on the relationship for the better.
Guess what? I haven't seen him since! Not in my house that is.
I went to visit him though, but our main conversations went through text messages. How stupid is that?
Anyhow, he chooses to live a life where he doesn't get to see us, doesn't need to spend time with us and he just doesn't want any more conflicts (and just paying a bill seems to be a conflict??? just spending quality time together: yes, conflict... Ah well... fuck it then).
There's more to say about that relationship gone to waste.
I can complain a lot.
But it is my own fault it lasted this long to begin with!
As I said, not the first time we got to this point, but I always thought: hey, it's love, perhaps if I just try a bit harder, things will work out. I don't want to be the one who quits too soon or with every lil bump in the road.
But I should have ended it so much sooner.
So much heart ache I would NOT have had.
And my son would have been spared too!
I've been selfish and extremely stupid.. Why the hell did I think he'd want to spend his life with us?
He usually acts as if we are so extremely stupid, dumb, a burden and doesn't want to do things with us at all.
And towards me: c'mon, he didn't even want to look at me... Hold me, touch me. Kisses, what it that for a weird beast? Nope, even that didn't excist in our 'relationship'.

He was basically a sack of potatoes (a very grumpy one) sleeping in my bed during the day, waking up late in the afternoon or in the evening, then occupying my sofa and being grumpy all over again, popping pills (pain meds) and being angered when I wanted peace and quiet in the evening (I do wake up in the morning and try to live a life, so I'm tired at night... and I usually like to go to bed at night you know).
He just watched tv and when the tv didn't work or didn't record sth he really wanted, it was quite a big drama...
Pff it's just a tv show! Or just a movie! It's not like you can never ever see that again.
And there are other things to do then just watching tv...
Our main conversations?
Actors, movies, shows, what happened in the movies or shows, how it sucks that a certain tv show didn't record. Yes, even fights if I had erased something that I watched, not knowing he wanted to see it too... Oh my, big drama (for real?? yes!).

I'll probably write about this again some time.
Just to get it off my chest.

Right now I need to get my mind set on other things.
I'm going to answer my dear friend via mail.
She always puts a smile on my face and warms up my heart.
Such a lovely soul and I'm so very blessed I met her and she still wants to be in contact with me.
Perhaps one day, I'll get to meet her!

More writings soon to follow, off course not all about my by-gone relationship.
That would get extremely boring hehe. Even I'm bored with it.

X