I write a lot about my recent breake-up.
Simply, because that's the least disturbing thing on my mind and the one thing I can get a grip on and is easy to digest.

Yes, I've got bigger troubles on my mind.

For instance, I'm constantly worried about my child. With good reason. He's a bit weird, he's a bully and we've got childcare constantly watching us.
There's a long story about it though. It's not plain and simple and not easy to tell how all of this came about.
I do love my son, don't get me wrong.
That's why I went through all the trouble I've been through. And would do again without a doubt.
But I'm so tired, exhausted and sometimes, really puzzled as how to make all of it work and just get some sort of normal life.
Just me and my child and make him happy.
I will one day write about it, I need to get off my chest off course, perhaps that would be a huge relief.

I'm also constantly thinking about the betrayel of people around me.
All kinds of people.
People I thought were friends, but are up to no good.
People I pay to do a job, but in the end, seem to be just assholes and want to take away your money, without actually doing their job.
People from bureaus like childcare, or even psychologists, or worse, a doctor!
Social care isn't all that good either.
Perhaps some do well with their help, but I haven't got a clue how to make sure to get the help I'm legally entitled to getting.

Off course I think about animal cruelty a lot too. It's a big concern for me.
And it's got my mind spinning as in how to make a change, a big change.
But it seems that me, on my own, can't do much, other then being vegan and try to take care of the animals around me (pets and wild animals).
Volunteering in shelters seems pointless. Often, they don't even want the help. So much jealousy and weird shit going on there (why?? aren't we all striving for the same thing?).

Another big concern, is our world in general and the societies we live in.
I just don't seem to understand how it all works, or better, why it works the way it does, what makes people the way they are.
Governments... Oh my...
Normal people constantly back stabbing each other (where's the love?).
Big bussiness coöperations and how it's all about the money and doing well on the misery of others.
What makes people such afwull persons?

My health is a big concern too.
I can't seem to grasp that my life is so fragile and at the same time, I seem to be a very strong person.
Quite contractive.
Sometimes I think I'm at peace with my dissabilites and other times, I just freak out, cry my eyes out and feel so helpless. The obvious 'why' questions come to mind then!

Aside my physical dissabilites, I'm fighting with my mental dissabilities too.
Sounds bad, but I'm talking about panick disorder, anxiety, depression that every now and then lurks around the corner, trying to find a way in to make my life all dark and grey and pointless again.
But I won't let it!
I try to deal with anxiety, with the help of medicine though.
But to this day, I haven't got a clue how to keep out depression and I'm anxious (yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds!) that it will strike me again.
I don't want to go through that hell again. Fought so hard to get where I am today.
And I've been happy since I had my surgery last year. Sort of, got my off-days too.

I'm certainly worried about my own family and my household.
And how to keep it all working. The struggle is real and sometimes extremely exhausting.

Other then that, I lately think about myself, a bit too much for my own good though.
Things like: why would anybody like me?
I'm not attractive on the outside, skinny as a skeleton, bad teeth, dark circles around my eyes (lack of proper sleep and kidney problems), saggy boobs, the whole thing, everything that makes a woman unattractive.
My character is very complicated too and there's so much I cannot stand from other people.
I passed the age of 30 and since then I do wonder, would I ever find someone compatible to live my life with or will I have to spend the rest of my life on my own?
There was once a day I never minded to be all on my own and never feared growing old on my own.
But since the relationship I had, I found that it's really nice to have someone around and I can get used to that very much.
I love someone to be around, share my life with, be happy with, fall asleep with.
I guess I'm not so special thinking about that off course.

Lately I lie awake of what other people think of me too.
So silly though, for why I should I care? It's my life!
But for example, I didn't participate in djembé lessons, because last 10 sessions I had a lot of bad commentaries from one person.
Telling me I'm the one disturbing the class, I shouldn't play so I can be heard (so I had to 'stroke' the djembé and not make a sound), I'm the one who can't keep rythm and so on.
It got to me.
The way it was told.
I don't mind I don't have rythm like everyone else, but I follow a class to be taught how to do so.
Being blamed by the teacher every class is a mess, because I participate, is kinda devestating for one's self esteem. So I didn't want to participate again.
Though now another teacher wants me to join in again, telling me I did really well.
Very contradictive.
How can I do well and be the one who disturbs the lessons at the same time?

I honestly haven't touched an instrument since those lessons, truely believing I suck at it big time and I shouldn't be near one.
My practise drum kit hasn't been out of the garage, haven't touch my djembé or any other instrument for that matter.
Just sang a long with some music, but preferably when no one else hears (I don't have such a beautiful voice, smoking fucked that up big time and fear in my young ages, made sure I never got to practise on how I should sound).

I let those things come to my heart and stand in the way of my own happiness.

There's a lot on my mind.
Sometimes so much, that it numbs me.
And then it's easy to just write about the relationship that ended. Because that's some thing much easier to talk about. It's not complicated why we broke up and why it didn't work out and how we are still getting a long, but without the romance etc.

I must try to breake up my thoughts in to smaller pieces, try to think about one thing at the time and write it down, get it off my chest.

Who knows, I might find the courage and clarity to write about the loss of my pets. Or the anger and sadness of the past years, how everything lead to this point in my life.
Perhaps I can write about the shame of being homeless. Or the day I realised I would never be able to have a normal job again.
Maybe even my passions for minerals and gems and making my own jewelry (I am a creative mind and love being creative, I lose myself in it, and find myself in it, it's what keeps me going).
Perhaps one day I can tell the story of my past marriage and the nasty divorce and how it fucked me up big time and how I let it, because I had no faith whatsoever in myself.
Who knows, I might even write about a secret love I've got. There's this one person that makes my heart beat faster and I was forbidden to have contact with, because I was so in love (okay, I still like that person, but I'm realistic, nothing will ever happen, most likely).

Now I'll try to go on with my day.
So many things still need to be done and need to be taken care off.
Hope today I will find the courage and the energy to do so.

Hope everyone else will have a beautifull day and enjoy Fall coming around.
Love this time of year!
And soon, winter again, when I start to blossom and feel all warm inside.

Make your day matter and enjoy it!

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