Let's start with something easy:
Blog about Djembé and music in general.

Everyone who knows me, knows I'm quite passionate about music.
What I haven't told a lot of people, is that my dream ever since I was a child, was to become a musician.
But a lot of things held me back from chasing that dream.

For instance, I loved to sing, ever since I was a child and I tried to sing out loud.
But every time my parents caught me singing, I didn't exactly the best comments.
That destroyed my self-esteem and the dream quite instantly.
I was afraid to sing out loud, to sing when there were other people around etc.
So, I kept singing to myself.

Later on, around the age of 17, my mom told me I could sing really well, certainly when singing along to Nightwish, After Forever.
She said that after all, I did have a good voice and did a good job.
But at that time, I already smoked, so my dream of being a soprano was ruined that way and right now, there's just no way at all I can sing like that anymore (my voice is terrible now!).
It took me another few years to sing in the presence of other people, really sing.
Now my only supporter and fan, is my son. But he's kinda tone deaf, so how can he know that I can actually sing or not?
And I'm not gonna sing in public to ask someone else's opinion off course.
And I still smoke, making my voice sound more terrible every year.
I can sing a long to Meat Loaf, but still can't reach every note he's forcing out of his vocal chords.
Kinda gave up on that dream, I just sing at home now and try not to be bothered about how terrible I sound.
I just enjoy singing along.

I've always dreamt of playing an instrument as well.
In school, we had music lessons. I learned to read notes and play the flute and did kinda well.
But never played the flute for someone else.
I tried to pick that up again later on in life, but then I realised the music lessons in school were insufficient to make it able for me to read all notes. We just had a few basic lessons needed to play a simple tune on the flute.


I always liked a guitar too and drums and, ah well, a lot of instruments actually.
When I was in an institution for teens without home, we once had a guitar lesson. But the teacher said my hands weren't equipped to play the guitar. So that ruined that idea and I never really tried again, untill my son one day asked for a guitar and asked me to teach him how to play it.
I bought him a children's guitar and took a few online lessons to try and teach him some chords.
That guitar sucked big time, the sound was afwull! After all, it was a children's guitar, bought in a toy store.
And my son lost intrest quite fast.
Seemed like I was more intrested then he was.
But it kept on repeating in my head: my hands aren't equipped to play a guitar (so give up already!).
I didn't want to make a fool out of myself and we didn't have the money to buy a good guitar anyway.

When I was a little over 20, I did follow a few drum lessons with a local drummer and oh my, I certainly lost myself in those lessons (in a good way that is!).
And the drummer said I certainly had some qualities and with practice, I could certainly become a good drummer.
Then my divorce happened and without transportation, it was impossible to follow those lessons again. That sucked big time.
The itch never left. I really loved drumming!

In the years that followed, I tried to find another drummer to teach me, but all were so expensive and we lived in poverty. So, not an option!
I tried to keep on practicing on my hand work.
But a lot got in the way, like my divorce, poverty, my health, anxiety, you name it...


I didn't do much with my dream of becoming a musician in any way. For a lot of reasons.
Low self esteem certainly was a reason too.
I didn't want to make a fool out of myself.
And when one is feeling really bad about themself, you don't want negative criticism.

But years have passed since and in one of the homeless centers we lived in, we had djembé lessons.
Not really like how a djembé is supposed to be played, but hey, I could drum again! And I totally loved it.
Money was still an issue, so buying myself an instrument like that, was out of the question.

A few years later, my finances got better and we stumbled upon djembé lessons and I was quick to sign me and my son up, certainly because he really wanted to follow those lessons.
I quickly reasoned, if he wants to pick up djembé lessons, I better enroll in the class as well, so I can help him practice!
And we did.
I loved it, totally loved it.
I felt so much better, more energetic, after each lesson.

First lessons were simply awesome.
But after a while, one of the teachers kept on focussing on me. Not in a good way though.
I got told every time it was my fault no one kept the rythm.
Though, I tried to follow the teacher, follow his lead (he was the leader, after all).
But he kept on going faster and faster and the rest just followed.
He started telling me it was my fault every time.
I was the one going faster and faster and I played too loud and because of me, the rest of class was being disturbed and it wasn't fun for anyone anymore.
He kept on telling me several times during each lesson and always took away the djembé I was playing on and gave me a very bad one and told me: don't hit it like you're supposed to, just 'stroke' it, play as soft as you can, try to not make a noise, so no one can hear you play and lessons will be fun again for everyone involved...
That ruined my self-esteem again.
I don't mind being told I can't keep rythm, because that's an important thing a drummer needs to practice on and I had the equipment at home to practice on that.
But it got jammed in my mind that I couldn't play with all my heart and soul and believe me, if you play a djembé and you are not allowed to hit it correctly (by making a sound!), you can't get it right, you cannot practice well.

After a while, I didn't want to attend the lessons anymore, too afraid to disturb the lessons and it just wasn't any fun anymore just sitting there and not making a sound.
I might as well have brought a pillow and pretend I was trying to make a sound on that.
That's also the reason I didn't participate in the show our class did on the brunch.
Too afraid to make a complete fool out of myself.
I ended that season with a very bad feeling about myself, to say the least.

Now, a new season has started.
I signed up my son and for a brief moment, I wanted to join in again too. I so loved playing the djembé and I used to practice a lot at home, with my metronome by my side, trying to not get off rythm.
But after a while, I gave up on practicing at home too.

With this new season started, I didn't participate in the first lesson.
I was so afraid, had nightmares and felt bad about myself, but more bad that I would only disturb the other students.
The group is extremely warm and such gentle and pleasant people, all passionate about this instrument and drumming in general.
I watched my son during that first lesson.
Put a smile on my face, I just love drumming, I do!!

The teacher of the beginners lessons asked me why I did not participate, if I had lost intrest or not.
But no, I did not loose intrest, on the contrary, music is a part of my soul, in such a way I cannot describe in words!
But I had to say something.
I told her I simply did not have the money to pay for both my son's lessons as my own.
Not a lie off course, my son has more activities he wants to do and they all cost quite a good amount of money.
But the main reason, is I'm simply scared to death of making a fool out of myself, again!
Since I'm also feeling very fragile lately, I cannot take in the negative criticism, certainly when I get told I'm the main reason lessons aren't pleasant for others and I disturb the lessons.
I had nightmares about it prior to going to those lessons.
I was about to cry when she tried to push me to enroll anyway. She felt bad seeing me sitting at the side, while I could not hide that I really liked it (my face doesn't lie apparantly!).
She offered me the chance to participate after all, I didn't have to pay, just help out at the seasonal brunch. I tried to throw in my dissability and said: oh no, I cannot help out, I'm physically unable, so that wouldn't be fair. But off course, she found jobs I could most certainly do, like folding napkins.
I didn't know what to do or say.

A day later, I just wrote her an email, telling her about what had happened last season. I never spoke up before about it, so this information was really new to her.
I didn't name the person who was constantly on my back. I don't feel like I should do so.
But she replied to me that it was total nonsense and she couldn't believe someone disliked me in the group.
She said I was good on the djembé, picked up on the lessons really quickly, did a good job, my rythm wasn't bad at all, that in fact, I was one of the better students.
Off course, that's very pleasant to hear!
But the first day of this new season's lesson, the very person who was on my back previous season, looked down on me, kinda belittled me, seemed to be very happy I didn't participate and he just acted as if he wanted me to get out of there as quick as possible.
The energy between me and him, really isn't any good.
I never minded him, don't get me wrong.
It's not the kind of person I'd hang out with, but I'm brought up to show respect towards other people, certainly those trying to teach you something.
So I'm nice and respectfull. But I don't feel I get any respect whatsoever from this person.
I don't know what to do with this now!
Off course I can still feel the itch to pick up the instrument, participate in the lessons. Because, oh my god, when the advanced lessons started and I saw our African teacher teaching full of passion, I so wanted to be in that class, I so wanted to get practice on his teachings. Just amazing and what a feeling it gave me!!

Now I'm just feeling very ackward and very afraid.
Lately my life has become hectic again and I don't know if fear will get the better of me or not.

Not sure what to do with this.
The other teacher is still there and so full of himself (even though it seems like can't get all the rythms down himself... And he plays extremely loud and thinks he's the best player of all of them, while that's certainly not true!).
He intimidates me, to say the least.
I love the fellow participants and I like the female teacher and I adore the African teacher, such a passion drips off of him and that's just amazing. When he teaches, everyone gets excited, to say the least.

But what if I do participate and get told again I'm not allowed to make a sound on the djembé? What if I get told again that all I do is disturb the lesson and make it unpleasant for others?
What if I get mocked again?
I'm quite sure that would give me nightmares and at this moment, I'm on the verge of a breake down again...
I cannot have that happening!
I know, I shouldn't be bothered about it, but the negative criticism just sinks in my head and keeps on repeating itself.

I'll have to sleep on it again and hope anxiety doesn't get me down.
Because if that happens, I'm quite sure I'll be so anxious, I wouldn't even dare to face anyone.

So silly, putting my passions aside for just some a-hole who doesn't like me in any way.
Perhaps I'll go over to my ex's place tomorrow and try to play my brand new djembé (I bought myself a decent instrument shortly before summer, with the intention of playing it, but I never did, couldn't find the courage).
Who knows I'll get bitten by the microbe again and want to play it again and give me enough courage to participate in the lessons.
Let's see where that will take me!

This is a big worry for me right now, because if it turns out bad, I'll probably be afraid to pick up an instrument any time soon.
And my self-esteem will be destroyed again in a very bad way.

Let's just see how it works out.

Perhaps I'll find some courage and strength within myself!