Ponderings of the latest weeks.

A lot of things have happenned.
As always I guess. In my life, it's never really quiet, unless I'm extremely ill and lie on the sofa or bed all day long.
But, even those days are over, at least, the ever-lasting days of not being able to move.

I'm glad summer is over.
It sure was an eye opener.
I removed some so-called friends from my life. I still don't know why they wanted to 'use' me. I mean, of what value can I be?
Those so-called friends were 'spiritual' people. But all they really did, was dragging me down in their mess, a lot of gossiping, manipulating etc. How is that spiritual?
And don't forget the jealousy and hatred towards each other!
It took me a while, but after the so maniest lies I caught a few people on, I just called it quits.
Just push that 'remove friend' button and no longer ask any questions. It's not like I'm gonna get the answers I really want anyway.
That chapter is closed.

Not spirituality on its own off course. One doesn't just stop being spiritual.
I don't feel the need to practise on it though.
Why would I want to read tarot cards, use my pendulums daily, try to get in contact with whatever god or angel? Nah...
And I certainnly don't feel for connecting with spirits.
Most spiritual working people do so, for helping other people.
But... The thing is, I don't really like people, not all people off course, but most of them.
So why would I want to try something that would me putting myself available for all kinds of people all day and night long, trying to lend them a hand, when in fact, I'd be the one being stabbed in the back.
As if there are really so many greatfull people out there? Hell no.

I tried to join a coven just before summer too.
It was a very pleasant meeting.
But aparantly one of the members, someone I used to be friends with, found I wasn't putting in enough effort.
Because I'm not able to drive my car for about an hour or so, and then join a meeting that lasts a few hours and then being able to drive home safely. I still cannot do that on a regular basis.
I told her so, I wouldn't be able to attend every week, most likely not even every month.
For one or another reason, she got offended by that.
Started giving me a hard time.
I called the high priestess to apologise I wasn't present at a certain event. I lost the adress and realised too late (typical me), I tried to call and I've sent a text message, but preps were already going on, so she missed my calls off course.
But, she didn't find it a problem.
She said I was welcome whenever I wanted. But I told her about that 'friend' and it didn't make me feel good knowing I'd join a meeting where there's at least one person that started hating me over something extremely petty.
Thankfully she understood that.
That chapter's done and over with too.
I'm still invited to join in whenever I want, apparantly some did enjoy my presence, but ... I mean... No, such a long drive, so much energy to put into it, just to be told off later on? Nope. Just a big nope. I'd rather spend my time in different ways.

My relationship took a turn for the worst this summer.
I haven't told a lot of people about it.
Simply because I'm ashamed that the same thing has happened again. It's nothing new.
But you know, if you love someone and care for them, you try to make it work.
Seems like I'm the only one who wanted it to work.
I let him knows on several occations it wasn't going well and I wasn't feeling good at all about the way he was treating us. Not at all!
But, he just walked away, again.
So, I told him to stay away, unless he really wanted to work on the relationship for the better.
Guess what? I haven't seen him since! Not in my house that is.
I went to visit him though, but our main conversations went through text messages. How stupid is that?
Anyhow, he chooses to live a life where he doesn't get to see us, doesn't need to spend time with us and he just doesn't want any more conflicts (and just paying a bill seems to be a conflict??? just spending quality time together: yes, conflict... Ah well... fuck it then).
There's more to say about that relationship gone to waste.
I can complain a lot.
But it is my own fault it lasted this long to begin with!
As I said, not the first time we got to this point, but I always thought: hey, it's love, perhaps if I just try a bit harder, things will work out. I don't want to be the one who quits too soon or with every lil bump in the road.
But I should have ended it so much sooner.
So much heart ache I would NOT have had.
And my son would have been spared too!
I've been selfish and extremely stupid.. Why the hell did I think he'd want to spend his life with us?
He usually acts as if we are so extremely stupid, dumb, a burden and doesn't want to do things with us at all.
And towards me: c'mon, he didn't even want to look at me... Hold me, touch me. Kisses, what it that for a weird beast? Nope, even that didn't excist in our 'relationship'.

He was basically a sack of potatoes (a very grumpy one) sleeping in my bed during the day, waking up late in the afternoon or in the evening, then occupying my sofa and being grumpy all over again, popping pills (pain meds) and being angered when I wanted peace and quiet in the evening (I do wake up in the morning and try to live a life, so I'm tired at night... and I usually like to go to bed at night you know).
He just watched tv and when the tv didn't work or didn't record sth he really wanted, it was quite a big drama...
Pff it's just a tv show! Or just a movie! It's not like you can never ever see that again.
And there are other things to do then just watching tv...
Our main conversations?
Actors, movies, shows, what happened in the movies or shows, how it sucks that a certain tv show didn't record. Yes, even fights if I had erased something that I watched, not knowing he wanted to see it too... Oh my, big drama (for real?? yes!).

I'll probably write about this again some time.
Just to get it off my chest.

Right now I need to get my mind set on other things.
I'm going to answer my dear friend via mail.
She always puts a smile on my face and warms up my heart.
Such a lovely soul and I'm so very blessed I met her and she still wants to be in contact with me.
Perhaps one day, I'll get to meet her!

More writings soon to follow, off course not all about my by-gone relationship.
That would get extremely boring hehe. Even I'm bored with it.

X